Cromartie, Poe, Droopy Dog and the Pasta Investigation…

It is Wednesday, verily, the day of the hump and also of the “Modern Family” at 9, 8 Central. Fight the doldrums until then, and the week will be over before you know…In 48 hours or so.

Reports are that Senator Joe Lieberman (gasps) will not run for President in 2012 (awwwwww) according to members of his staff and certain close aides. The 68 year old senator from Connecticut will announce the decision later in the week or by the end of this month, much to the relief of almost no political rivals. The move benefits Democrats chiefly, at least in the minds of several political pundits. Lieberman spent most of his career as an important figure in the Democratic Party, though has spent the last four years in a creepy ex-boyfriend who has slept around with your enemy stigma attached. Lieberman jumped ship, if you will, ahead of the 2008 Presidential campaign, backing John McCain instead of Barack Obama. He will retire from public service when his current term concludes in two years, quietly bowing from the spotlight and enjoying time with his friends and family. Until then, however, Joe will have to skate the slippery slope between a drastically and violently divided Senate, even in the wake of the supposed ‘peace’ of the Tucson shootings.

Joe Lieberman.

A massive 7.2 earthquake rocked a sparsely populated area of Pakistan today, roughly 200 miles from the closest urban center but strong enough to take a few casualties even in the remote regions of the Pakistani desert. Final reports from the closest cities are not finalized or confirmed, but only one woman was said to have died of a heart attack triggered by the quake. A 7.2 earthquake is massive, similar in strength to the one that triggered the tsunami in the Indian ocean five years ago. An added danger in the region is the poor construction of homes; most structures are made or mud-brick and wood and fail almost immediately during a heavy quake. More on this is it is necessary….

Following up on a religion vs. science story from a month back, the University of Kentucky was forced to pay $125,000 to an astronomy professor who recently brought charges of discrimination against the school after being turned down for a job. To be fair, $125,000 is probably what Kentucky spends on a single basketball recruit each summer, but this is harder to swallow because it won’t translate into PPG. The snubbed professor, C. Martin Gaskell, says he was denied a job with the University because he hinted a belief “something close to a creationist” and “potentially evangelical” in e-mails that circulated within the schools department. To note, however, allowing a person whose research and observations are clouded by religion certainly has an impact on how that professor looks at science. To be fair, however, the University of Kentucky failed to handle the situation properly, which, as we all know, is to deny, deny, deny and then counter-sue.

In another twist in the on-going Pasta Investigation of Lance Armstrong (throw everything at him and see what sticks) reports surfaced of more allegations indicating that Armstrong encouraged and even required EPO use on his Motorola team in the 90s. An unnamed teammate from the ‘95 squad said that Armstrong was the “instigator” of doping on the squad, even instructing teammates on how to use EPO and, more importantly, how to hide it. This is not news, however, the Bohunk finds the recurrent claims of the same charges intriguing…Why repeat the same accusations for almost a year? If there is so much evidence, why can’t anyone present tangible evidence of guilt besides nameless teammates casting blame? Even the FBI admits that it has conducted little to no investigative activity in the past three months, showing that they really have nothing to add to the case. Innocent, innocent, innocent…until factually and indisputably proven guilty by hard evidence.

Lance Armstrong as a Motorola rider and World Champion…before the cancer, the Tours and the allegations….

On this very day in 1809, the dark and mysterious and macabre Edgar Allen Poe was born. After being raised by his godfather, John Allan, Poe wrote three volumes of poetry to almost no acclaim or attention. He took a job as an editor of the Southern Literary Messenger in Richmond, Virginia and married his 13 year old cousin, which, though teachers tell you wasn’t uncommon at the time, was, in fact, a touch odd, even by the standards of the day. He drank heavily and lost his job, forcing a move north to Philadelphia where he kept busy with his hands in a few publications as an editor and a critic. His most famous works, including The Tell-Tale Heart, The Murders At the Rue Morgue and The Fall of the House of Usher all were written during this period, which was actually one of the most tranquil and relatively peaceful of Poe’s life. The stories themselves, however, did not reflect stability; they were odd, dark, horrific and dabbled in mystery, giving Poe the title of the father of the detective story. The Poes moved once more to New York City, where Poe penned "The Raven” his most famous poem. His wife died in 1847, driving Poe to even more voluminous drinking, eventually stumbling into a gutter drunk and dying somewhere in Baltimore in 1849. Poe was forty years old. 

The Bohunk casually and without much concern put forth his AFC Championship prediction, in two parts. A) I don’t care, I think both clubs, Thieves and Aeronautical Studies, alike in a uniform thuggery and criminal mind. There are more fines and arrests between these two teams to equal all of the other teams in the NFL. How can anyone root for them? B) That said, I’ll take the Steelers over the Jets by the simple reasoning of choosing, however reluctantly, the lesser of two great evils. It should be a close contest, if it does not devolve into fisticuffs after James Harrison spears Sanchez and Antonio Cromartie leads his Army of Children into battle (though he doesn’t know any of their names) in retaliation.

Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie and two Baby-Mamas-To-Be…

A short and not so sweet Update today, though my apologies must be accepted due to impossible circumstances; I have a lot of homework and little sleep. Thanks for reading, folks, and enjoy your day in spite of all things and people…

North Korea, Crazy Pills, and the Best NFL Game in Years…

The Bohunk returns on this wonderful Monday, safely entrenched in a big, soft couch. The location may have temporarily changed, but of course, the mission hasn’t. Now, let us press on to that very noble mission…

North Korea has voiced its decision not to follow through on threats to retaliate should South Korea do live fire drills on a small island off the Korean Coast. Two weeks ago, North Korea returned fire during a similar artillery drill, killing South Korean troops and nearly returning the simmering 50+ year conflict to a full boil. South Korea prepared extra defense along the demarcation line that separates the two nations, which has the dubious honor of being the most armed border in the world. Tensions rose again yesterday after South Korea ended its drill and waited for some reaction by North Korea, which thankfully came in a smug, overconfident announcement and not mortar fire. Some experts believe that should the two Koreas war again, over a million people would die in the first hour or so. The South Korean capital, Seoul, is just a few dozen miles from the demarcation line, and artillery and rocket fire would level the city in an hour. There is no more dangerous place in the world right now, although that is (depressingly) debatable…

The Pope, Benedict XVI, went to the press to push priests and other church officials to “reflect” on the failures of the Catholic religion and its inexcusable sexual abuse scandals. He also expressed intent to make sure pedophiles do not become ordained. (Thanks, Pope, for trying to weed out pedophiles now about 2,000 years after you’ve let men represent God on earth) But the damage has been done. In 2010, abuse cases from Ireland, Germany, the US, and other countries around the world surfaced, and with even more evidence reinforcing the common theory that these abuses persisted and were almost allowed by the church hierarchy in an effort to cover them up. The structure of the church worked to suppress any in the ‘flock’ who spoke out, and few worked for the punishment of sexually abusive priests. However, the Pope has a relatively credible history of fighting abuse by priests, as evident in a 1988 letter demanding punishment of known pedophiles by Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, the very man who now wears the pointy white hat as Benedict. These charges will never be forgotten, but the church can save some dignity by preventing similar cases in the future.

Nice cap, Benedict..

Over in America’s oldest war, Afghanistan, Vice President Joe “It’s A Big Fuckin’ Deal” Biden claims that, according to the US spy agencies, Bin Laden and Al-Qaeda lack the funds and freedom to be of any real concern to US forces on either side of the Afghan/Pakistani border. Biden points to evidence of new, smaller scale attacks that are becoming all that is possible, a major step back from their 9/11 attacks and abilities. Now, Al-Qaeda operatives are using small arms and shoulder fired rockets to harass US troops, but lack the structure, sophistication and ability to coordinate world wide attacks. The CIA now believes that Yemen, a small country on the Arabian Peninsula, is the most dangerous terrorist threat in the Middle East, even ahead of Iran. Some critics claim that by pinching them out in Afghanistan has only allowed factions of terrorists to grow unchecked in other areas of the globe. The Bohunk believes this is, unfortunately, the more likely case, though efforts to snuff out any group usually create more evil, hateful groups.

In professional football news, one of the most amazing finishes in NFL history occurred yesterday, and I do not mean to imply the Lions-over-City of Tampa in that sentence, though the Lions did win in OT. The Philadelphia Egg Salads were down 34-10 to the New York G-Persons with seven minutes to go. Game over. No comeback possible. Even when Mike “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Vick threw two touchdowns, the Bohunk said, “Yes, but what of it?” He then scrambled Barry Sanders-like (and I don’t throw that comparison around lightly) for touchdown, and it was very much a tie game. The G-Persons failed to travel ten yards and were forced to punt with 14 seconds left. Giants coach Tom Coughlin to punter Matt Dodge: “Punt it out of bounds.” The G-Person’s faithful to Matt Dodge: “Punt it out of bounds.” The Bohunk to Matt Dodge: “Punt the damn thing to Manhattan, just do not let it land in the arms of DeSean Jackson.” DeSean Jackson to Matt Dodge: “Didn’t you hear them all tell you not to give it to me?” The ball was almost squarely in the middle of the field. Dodge claims to have slipped, and the ball pulled to stay in bounds. Jackson dropped it, picked it up, and returned it for a walk-off punt return for a touchdown, and one of the most amazing comebacks in NFL history. The loss could keep the Giants out of the play-offs, though the Flying Elvii helped them out by beating Green Bay, and a Bears loss this evening would keep the Packers alive for the division win as well. This was an incredible game…(Almost as thrilling as a Lions OT win)

Flying like an Eagle…Two points for a Steve Miller
Band reference…

Are you in college? Have you noticed that everyone seems borderline insane? Research shows that nearly one half of college students who meet with a counselor or psychiatric professional are suffering from serious mental health issues or instabilities. The primary reasons for this high number, according to experts, is the heavy use of alcohol and drugs, a history of mental illness and self-injury habits. Many of these students with a mental illness history have already been prescribed psychiatric drugs (like Wellbutrin, Adderall, etc.) and who, by social and cognitive limitations, probably would not have been enrolled in college twenty years ago. 44% of those seeking counseling have serious mental health issues, up from 21% just last year. So, if people seem off, give them a smile and watch for patterns of harmful behavior. Look at your dorm or college for who to notify if you think someone may be a danger to themselves or others….

It is the holiday season, and holi-days are different for most people around the globe. The roots of the Christian celebrations for the birth of Jesus Christ are dug deep into Celtic and Roman holidays celebrating a sort of Festival of Lights. Celebrated on the solstice, usually the 21st of December, Yule was a Scandinavian, Celtic and Norse tradition to honor light on the shortest and darkest day of the year. Check back tomorrow for the entire chronology of Christmas.

Thanks for reading, as always, much better effort on a Tuesday. Only a few more days to Chirstmas, or, if you’re not into that, until Saturday…

Super Bowl Shuffle, Veteran’s Day, the Wiggles and Old Glory…

To begin, I would first like to apologize for closing yesterday’s Update with instructions to enjoy ABC’s “Modern Family”, which, unknown to me, was not on last night. The Greatest Show on Television, its new name as far the Update is concerned, was bumped by the Country Music Awards. I accidently watched about three minutes of it, dry heaving so hard that I needed to excuse myself from the (empty) room. People may like modern country music, fine; but they have to admit that it is now feel-good, smaltzy crap with fake, “loveable” singers who pretend to smile way too much; country music has become Barney, the Teletubbies and the Wiggles.

In “That’s Just Funny” news, the Czech transportation Minister Vit Barta has been banned from driving his car for six months.

In London, students marched and protested a raise in the tuition cost as proposed by Parliament. The protest ended with students storming the headquarters of the Conservative Party, which holds power in the cuntry at the time. 51 students were arrested and 8 or more students were injured. The proposed tuition change would raise the cost of going to college to about $14,500 a year, a hefty increase from the current rate of $4,800. The government claims that this number will serve as a cap and that colleges will not “have to” charge this price; 50,000 protesters and myself quickly responded, “They don’t have to, but they will.” The change would make lower class citizens less likely to go to college, get a good career and earn a comfortable living…Just as the poor in the US have been doing for decades. God speed, ye Limey bastards, may your protests succeed…Pip, pip.

On this day in 1919, “…on the eleventh hour, of the eleventh day, of the eleventh month…” the Great War ended after claiming the lives of over 5,525,000 Allied troops and 4,386,000 Central Power soldiers. Combined, the killed, injured or missing from both sides of the conflict totaled to over 40 million. World War One brought death to young men in whole new, unseen ways. The introduction of the tank, the airplane and the machine gun laid waste to hundreds of thousands of lives in a single afternoon. Antiquated tactics, such as the frontal assault formed in loose ranks, made almost no sense and were meant almost certain death. Soldiers lived for weeks in a muddy, rotting trench, at times so bored yet anxious some simply stood up just the end the waiting and were shot in the skull. Veterans Day is an opportunity to honor soldiers from all conflicts and it is especially poignant as we continue operations in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Take a moment to thank a veteran today, and think about the sacrifices that have been made for us.

Old Glory…And a Flag. Hats off to the Veterans today,
for we know too well freedom is not free.

In another contribution to the case against getting your head struck by a helmet attached to a 300 pound man, I submit the case of former Bears quarterback and Super Bowl Shuffler (you can see that here) Jim McMahon. McMahon says that after his 15 year career, his memory “is pretty much gone,” even stating that he forgets where he is and why he is there upon entering a room. Players in the league now down play and ignore the potential damage they inflict on each other. If millionaires would like to spend their retired days wondering who they are, that is their choice, but their style of play is imitated by the 1 million amateur tackle football players, most of them in high school or younger. The NFL needs to change its reliance on head-hunting and violence to sell tickets. People will still watch if the league enforces its rules on unnecessary roughness and helmet-to-helmet hits. McMahon is now raising funds for brain research to help those with traumatic brain injuries. Jim is 51 years old.

“We are the Bears, shufflin’ crew…” Jim is just behind Walter
Payton’s left hand there….

Tonight, the Baltimore Nevermores take on the Atlanta Dirty Birds. Join me in boycotting all NFL Network games, because if people who can’t afford extended cable don’t get to watch, I won’t tune in either. Elitist bastards.

Thanks for reading, enjoy NBC’s Thursday Night line-up…and if it’s bumped off by some crappy award show, I’m just as angry as you are. If you stay up after “The Office” watch “Outsourced” because this new show is really starting to hit its stride.