Sweden, Rings, A Wasted Heisman and Miley Cyrus…

It is the week before Christmas and the Bohunk reminds you that the holidays are not only about gifts and presents, but that is how people will remember you. Do not be the guy to show up to the Christmas even empty handed, unless you are really sure they already like you.

The snow of the season blanketed most of the Mid-West and the East Coast over the weekend, dumping a few feet in areas of west New York, northern Indiana and northern Michigan. And, true to form, people acted as though the world might end. This time, however, the accumulation was worth the excitement. The Minnesota Hyperboreans vs. New York G Persons was postponed after the Giants were stranded in Kansas City, and the dome the Vikings play in nearly collapsed. It means Detroit will host its first Monday Night Football game in over a decade, though obviously the Lions will still not partake. Tickets in Detroit are free to whoever would like to watch; the Bohunk predicts a sparse crowd.

What experts believe to be a suicide bomb attempt killed one man and injured to others in Stockholm, Sweden. The Nordic country known for its blondes and neutral stance in foreign policy has long avoided the terror threats and bombings that have rocked other European nations since 2001. Two separate explosions just seconds apart and only 200 yards away rocked a busy commerce center in Stockholm. An e-mail sent to many news outlets claimed responsibility for the attacks, citing Sweden’s support of the US in Afghanistan (Sweden has 500 troops in country) and their support for the cartoonist who drew an image of Allah, which is a pretty big taboo in the Islamic faith. The country also has faced a massive influx of Muslims into the country, prompting a rise in right-wing anti-immigration policy and attitude in response to the influx of foreigners. It is a small world after all…

The controversial image of Allah from Sweden’s cartoonist, Mr. Viilk. Edited to avoid
bombings.

One of the most beautiful and intriguing mysteries in the cosmos was the origins of Saturn’s rings. Many scientists have lobbed guesses, but there was never enough evidence to go beyond theory. The planet’s distance also has prevented any concrete exploration of the composition of the rings and its moons, though they can conclude that the moons are primarily rock and ice. A new theory based on the presence of pockets of hydrogen brings about a new guesstimation. Robin Canup, the author of a new study on Saturn, says that a giant ring of hydrogen once surrounded the planet. This ring had a huge role in the formation of the rinds, creating and destroying planets, and even altering their orbits and send them crashing through Saturn’s atmosphere; if they made it through uncrushed, some actually came out on the other side. Fast forward a billion years, and the hydrogen ring has dissipated, either being captured in Saturn or drifting off into space, leaving some traces in the rings amongst millions of fractured rocks and ice particles. We have studied this planet for decades, and we are only just learning how the most marked trait of any planet in the solar system was formed (although the Bohunk would admit the presence of life on Earth is pretty important too). We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

Saturn and her rings: The result of billions of years of hydrogen slowly dissipating into
the deep recess of space….And nice to look at, too.

A short note on the Heisman: For the first time in twelve years, the Bohunk did not watch the Heisman trophy presentation at the Downtown Athletic Club. Since I was ten years old, I have watched the presentation of the most valued and prestigious award in amateur sports. Sitting in my basement, dressed in shorts and cleats and a jersey, I watched the award handed to Ricky Williams, Eric Crouch, Charles Woodson and the rest; not all amazing pros, or good people in life. But when they were awarded the Bronze Man With A Wicked Stiff Arm, we all knew they were amateurs. Saturday, that same trophy was handed to a player, Cam Newton, who we know to have stolen computers. He left the University of Florida to avoid a academic scandal after he was suspected of cheating and accepting improper assistance. Then, his father offered up his son to the highest bidder, looking for up to $180,000 from Mississippi State, and finally settling on Auburn because, as Cam Newton was quoted by Miss. State sources, “The money was just too good.” The NCAA cleared him because the money from the bowls is too good; Auburn stands to win almost $100 million to split with the SEC. Within a month of the game being played, Newton will be declared ineligible. His Heisman will have to be returned, and his wins, records, and all of his team’s accomplishments will be erased. Simply embarrassing. All the luck in the world to Oregon, My Oregon on January 10th.

A sad look in the Update’s ongoing coverage of the cholera epidemic in Haiti. Clinics and the nation’s experts now say that over 4,000 people have died from cholera with roughly 100,000 being afflicted with the disease since the outbreak began in October. Fears in the Caribbean are now turned to the neighbors of Haiti, however, who fear that the disease may spread to the Dominican Republic or other nations in the area. Experts and the UN have put into practice a system meant to regulate border crossings by those who may have had contact with the sick, and no food or water is allowed to pass into the Dominican Republic. A handful of cases of the disease have been reported in small rural villages along the Haitian border.

Miley Cyrus: Peace, Love and Weed.

In lighter news, videos are out after Miley Cyrus was caught “hitting” (as the kids would say) a bong, which the Bohunk has learned is a device used to smoke the illegal plant-drug marijuana. Cyrus was at her eighteenth birthday party. While a let-down and a poor example for millions of her fans, the Bohunk looks on it positively; at least the video wasn’t her getting “hit” by anybody. (This implies a sex tape, sorry, not easy to mix terminolgy) She has not made a comment about it yet, though the Bohunk suspects it will be, “That’s just Miley being Miley.”

The Detroit Lions beat the Green Bay Packers yesterday by the runaway score of 7-4. It was the first division win since Detroit beat the Bears in 2007. They are still holding their streak of road losses, 25, but to focus on the positive, the Lions beat a very solid Packers team that was a Super Bowl pick by many of the trend-spotting Talking Heads on ESPN. The Packers are still one game behind the Bears for the division title, and the two play to end the season. Both teams are jockeying with the New York G-Persons for the wildcard spot.

In a blustery Chicago Bears vs. New England Flying Elvii match-up, the Best Team In The NFL (Patriots) beat up the Bears, winning by 33 at the half, prompting CBS to switch to the Jets/Finns game at the start! of the third quarter. Tom “Bieber” Brady looked cool as the relatively frigid temperature of a fading white dwarft star as he tossed for two TDs and 369 yards. The Bohunk politely notes to readers that the Pats were dubbed the Best Team In the NFL on October 13th, almost two months ago to the day, and they are now proving it…Someone most have told them of my vote of confidence.

In another contribution to the Bohunk’s Cheap Gifts for the holidays, you may just want to pick up a copy of Earth (The Book): A Visitor’s Guide to the Human Race now just $15 when you buy online. Jon Stewart takes a hypothetical alien through the goings-on and daily life of the Blue Planet’s stewards, humans. It’s a colorful, hilarious book and your wise-ass on the list is going to enjoy each sarcastic page. Just follow the link to Barnes and Noble.

Again, the Bohunk must shamelessly plug his own book, West, on-sale now as an eBook on Barnes and Noble. You can pick it up here for an amazingly good deal of only $2.

Thanks for reading, folks, and come back tomorrow for some more Christmas cheer. And some really depressing world news.

Cam Newton, Pluto, Gay Marriage and Tom “Bieber” Brady…

Monday, and a Monday which brings us unrivalled clarity in the BCS, NFL and even some other aspects of life, which, should you read on, may help you extraordinarily…

In the last big weekend of amateur football, the Auburn Tigers matched up against the South Carolina Gamecocks. The ‘Cocks, led by Darth Visor himself, Sir Steven Spurrier, were obvious underdogs against Cam “So Paid” Newton and Auburn, and unfortunately for Good and Justice, the ‘Cocks played like underdogs. The defense played in fear of Cam Newton, the safeties, at times, lurking far from the line of scrimmage and allowing the dinks and dunks of runs and short passes. Urged and cajoled forward, they then gave up a long TD pass, a long TD run, and were down by three scores going into the fourth quarter. For those who watched on CBS, the cameras were squarely on Newton for the last 15 minutes of play. It was unprofessional, one-sided, and revolting. Commentators spoke of Newton as though some divine bronzen Greek god, capable of anything and the delight of everyone. The camera almost missed plays while zooming in on Newton, who acted like a giddy third grader, even writing his name on a water bottle, dubbing it “Cammy Cam Juice.” First off, that is the stupidest thing ever witnessed since Jersey Shore. Second, the sideline reporter (whom I will leave nameless, because it was the most embarrassing thing her producer has ever made her do) took up the bottle and threw back a swig. She commented that it was a mixture of gatorade and water, but she “didn’t know exactly what was in it.” It’s Gatorade and water. You just said it. Unless Newton has some gin and vodka on the sideline (don’t put it past him) I hardly think it could be a martini. In a month or so, Auburn will probably have won a national championship only to have it taken away, along with all their wins, a Heisman for Newton, and the SEC Championship it won. Mark these very words…

And she thought her old job was the most degrading thing she’d ever put things in her mouth for… Poor form, CBS.

This is going to be embarrassing in a few months…Enjoy it while it
lasts…

In the Big 12, Nebraska turned over the ball 4 times in the first three quarters to politely bow out to rival Oklahoma, giving up a BCS bowl berth and to slink into the Big Ten next season. Up by 17, Taylor Martinez threw an interception in the end zone, and the Bohunk stated “Game Over” to the room at large. Martinez loses all confidence after a turnover; he threw scared and inaccurately for the remainder of the game. The back up, Cody Green, should have entered in the third quarter. The Huskers reliance on the Wild Cat, with Rex Burkhead at the helm, showed only that Martinez was ineffective on his bum ankle, and that his passing was not enough to keep him a threat on the field. A fourth quarter fumble by Burkhead handing off the Roy Helu, Jr. (who fumbled twice in addition to this) sealed the doom. Congrats to the Sooners, who now play TCU in the Fiesta Bowl.

A suicide bomb attack killed 50 and injured upwards on 120 people in a hotly disputed area of Pakistan. The region of Mohmand borders Afghanistan and serves as a hotbed of Taliban activity. Two bombers working in unison attacked a meeting of tribal elders who were working against Taliban influence in the region. Almost 300 people were inside the room as the one of the bombers detonated amongst them; his partner was being checked at the door. The second bomber detonated within seconds of the first explosion. The Mohmand region is one of several hideouts for Al-Qaeda and Taliban insurgents in Pakistan.

The gay marriage ban in California head back to the courts in San Francisco. Proposal 8, which passed on the ballot just over two years ago, was ruled as a violation of rights and has been bouncing around the legal system ever since. It is now up as high as a federal court, with a very likely chance of reaching the Supreme Court in some months, should they elect to hear it. Lower courts have ruled that marriage is a constitutional right and that banning it from any demographic of the American people violates that right. Voters in favor of the ban claim that this attitude neglects real intent of the Constitution and that gay marriage should not be protected. The Bohunk says to this, frankly, bull-feces. Taking away rights to any group is wrong, regardless of what others may (prejudicially) think of that demographic. To say gays cannot marry is no different, from a Constitutional vantage point, than saying woman cannot vote or that African-Americans cannot own land. And from a moral standpoint, it is unfair to ask others to suffer from your beliefs if they do not believe in it. For those saying that the Bible is against homosexuality, great; if that is what you believe, go for it, Bubbba. But if others do not share this belief, do not force it upon them. With any luck, this case will make the Supreme Court, and the ruling against the ban upheld.

The proposed buyout of Barnes and Noble by Borders is gaining steam. Mega-rich hedge fund manager and Slick Rick Bill Ackman says he will pull together the $900 million needed for the Borders, the smaller company of the two, to take control of Barnes and Noble Booksellers. Stocks of both companies soared, both up by roughly 16%. Both have reported losses for three consecutive quarters, though both expect much better business over the holiday season. Why is this important? Because the two combined create the largest book behemoth ever before seen to man; they would control more of the print market than any other seller, and could have a massive influence on the price of books for good or ill. That text book you need? They have it cheaper than the university bookstore. But will they sell it at the competitive price with much less competition? Time will invariably tell….   

All this says is your Friday nights are lonely…

Are you, like the Bohunk, still a bit miffed by the unceremonious exit of Pluto from our solar system? I have been nearly sleepless since 2006 when Pluto was official voted out of our very select club, reducing the solar system from nine planets to eight, though it makes pick-up basketball easier, 4 on 4. However, the composition of our Club has changed dramatically. Like the universe and its known composition, our solar system changes frequently. A scientific journal from 1837 claims the existence of 11 planets, while by 1851 fifteen more were added to that total. The Kuiper Belt, the murky recesses where Pluto and these other pseudo-plants orbit, is home to uncountable entities of vastly varied size and composition. According to Mike Brown, author of How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming, scientists could either include other bodies from this region, get rid of Pluto, or do nothing at all. According to the Bohunk, the jackals obviously had nothing else to do, so they debated and eventually removed Pluto.

Tonight, on Monday Night Football, the New England Flying Elvii take on the New York Sonic Aviators. The winner takes the AFC East, and likely home field advantage for the play-offs. The loser should still get in on the wildcard road, but titles always are preferred, no doubt. Talking Heads on sports media are declaring the deciding factor will be the Jets’ ability to pressure Tom “Bieber” Brady. Thank you for stating that the Jets will try to tackle the quarterback on each down. They propose complicated blitzes and coverage schemes…Ah, but here they fall into a trap. Good quarterbacks love being blitzed! It makes their reads and throws easier, and makes for big plays! As the Best Team In The NFL, by my own declaration, the Pats will beat the Jets BECAUSE they try to blitz Brady, not in spite of it. Tune it to see….

Thanks for reading, enjoy MNF and come back tomorrow for another Update, still free…Because it is impossible to charge on a blog. Have a good one, folks…

Drilling, Obese People, Taxes and The Boy Wizard….

Welcome back to the Update, and many thanks for your attention. In thanks, the Bohunk is offering up free blogs for the rest of the year. Dig in, chaps…

Congress (and as you read this remember we elected it) looks to be intent on extending tax cuts according to aides affiliated with both Democrats and Republicans. Democrats had been pushing hard to allow the tax cut for the richer tax brackets lapse, restoring the tax percentage to that of pre-Dubya levels. Republicans argued that ‘raising’ taxes during a recession (that Bush caused) would be economically ‘unadvisable.’ The Bohunk counters with a jab, saying a war in Iraq costing hundreds of thousands of lives and tens of trillions of dollars was also unadvisable. The Republicans came back by saying that it would make social programs less fundable by keeping federal income low; the Bohunk replied, ‘Why yes, that is why Elephants are blocking a bill to extend unemployment benefits.’ (As reported yesterday, 2 million Americans will lose their benefits today; with the tax revenue of the richer class, this would not have happened) The Republicans said, ‘Screw you. The Bohunk said, ‘Screw you harder.’

Yes, please, drill right there. Not offshore.

Remember that oil spill? That was pretty bad; even oilmongers (<---claiming that one) cried foul on Obama for ‘letting this happen’ though it was Bush who okayed BP and other off shore oil companies in the Gulf. Obama banned offshore drilling on the Atlantic coast last night in a bill that will not allow any oil extraction for the next seven years. Hint to BP: Spend the money you’d have spent drilling and research alterative energy. The oil left won’t last too long…You spilled an awful lot of it.

In news that proves the World Is Going To Hell Via Handbasket, the NCAA ruled Auburn quarterback Cam Newton eligible, claiming the convicted burglar had no knowledge of his father’s pay-to-play scheme. Yeah, right. And when Newton stole computers from his University of Florida dorm, he didn’t know they weren’t his. To say that he was unaware of his father’s communications with college boosters is to cite naivity to the extreme; given Newton’s less than sparkling history, the cleansed name is a move by the NCAA to avoid a big mess. Find out that Newton is a fraud in 6 months, and they may have to wipe away an SEC title, a national championship and a Heisman trophy; exonerate him before he actually is labeled guilty, and they need only watch the TV ratings soar. (Admit it, you don’t want to see Oregon vs. TCU; neither does the NCAA)

Some astronomy news is long overdue; scientists now believe that there are roughly 300 sextillion stars in the universe, but hey, who’s really counting? Charlie Conroy (the guy actually counting) of Harvard-Smithsonian, claims that estimates on the number of stars in the universe have been grossly underestimated. The confusion came when scientists realized the importance of white dwarf stars, which are roughly a third the size of our own sun and very difficult to locate outside our galaxy. Including as many white dwarfs as we know of, and assuming a 3 to 1 ratio of white dwarfs to normal or hotter suns, scientists now believe there are some 300 sextillion stars. This is important, because it dictates many aspects of how we look at the formation of galaxies, stars, solar systems and the break down of particles. Who knows, the answer to our problems of energy might be burning up in some distant region of space (and the Bohunk argues in a portion of time, as well) just waiting to be discovered. We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

“Let me fix something up, you boys look famished.”

It may come as no great surprise, but new research from the UK shows that obesity does not have a correlative effect on some diseases, such as cancer or heart disease. Obesity is now believed to be the a contributing cause to all diseases, right down to the common cold. The best indicator of your body’s fat level is your BMI, or body mass index. An index of 25-30 means you’re a bit fluffy, and over 30 means you will be troubled to fit through doors. The researchers found that people over a score of 25 were 19% more likely to die of any and all causes. Certain ethnicities, such as African Americans and Native Americans, had a higher percentage than whites. Obese patients were also quicker to report depression, lack of energy, moodiness and irritability, and claim to lead a ‘lower quality life’ than they expected in healthier people. In an unrelated study, scientists found that obese people lived, on average, 10 years less than a person with a BMI under 25, depending on many health issues and how long they were obese. So, go to the gym today, everyone. If you need a workout plan, ask the Bohunk.

Finally, I submit the following as the holiday CHEAP gift of the day. While this is a bit over the $20 limit, it is well worth the investment. If you are buying for nearly anyone on your list, why not get them the Harry Potter boxed paperback set? It is currently marked at 41% off, comes in a super cool box to keep them all safe, and best of all, it’s Harry Potter. The Bohunk grew up spending Friday and Saturday evenings (including high school) joining Harry, Hermione and Ron on their adventures around Hogwarts. It is the best book series of all time, in more than one way. Check it out at Barnes and Nobles.

Thanks for reading, enjoy NBC’s Thursday night line up this evening, including a Claymation Community that is going to be quite entertaining.

Ducks, Hitler AND Stalin, and the First Day of Christmas…

Welcome back! Hoping you enjoyed your Thanksgiving and holiday weekend. It is a big weekend for a lot of people and a lot of families for a lot of reasons, not the least of which being eating. The Bohunk is happy to report that the amount of pumpkin pie devoured over the past five days may have surpassed all in history; at least two pies combined, in addition to an unknown number of cakes, iced creams, lattes, pumpkin bars and fudge conglomerates. The caloric intake must easily match that of a small Botswanian village over the course of a month. The result was expected; there is a little bit more Bohunk to love this week.

Let us go back, way back, in time to revisit the Thanksgiving tradition the Bohunk values just as much as eating mashed potatoes with a roll serving as an edible fork. The Detroit Lions hosted the New England Flying Elvii, huge favorites and declared (by me) The Best Team In The NFL. Tom “Bieber” Brady tossed for 341 yards and four (count ‘em) touchdowns while strolling away from the Detroit defense. “Shotgun” Shaun Hill made another start for the Lions, and played in typical just-enough-effort-and-yardage-not-to-get-benched fashion that has always been his trademark. Jahvid Best barely touched the field with a nagging turf toe injury, and Calvin Johnson had four catches for 81 yards and six points. This makes 7 straight losses on Thanksgiving for the Lions….The Bohunk does not mind if they lose the next 7 to 10 games, the tradition, which began in 1934, should continue regardless….

Oregon, My Oregon survived a tough game from Arizona, who seemed at least to be equal to the Ducks until the second half. As a partial bystander, I’d say Oregon is: A) The best dressed squad in the country B) The fastest group of 80 gentlemen outside of a federal prison C) Going to win the national title against whoever ends up playing them. If it is Auburn, who barely survived Alabama on Friday, the Bohunk sees a game in which Oregon flies while Cam “I’m So Paid” Newton plods and plugs along. Auburn has survived some scares this season because of their tremendous comebacks in the second half; Oregon, according to my made-up sources, is the only team more dangerous in the third and final quarters of a foot ball contest. Auburn will not be able to comeback against LeMichael James and Co.

(Mighty Ducks Style) “Quack, quack, quack, quack quack…”

On the other end of the football sammach, the professionals played Sunday with some great college games tucked between. What a weekend for pigskin; we saw great games involving almost every Top Ten school (LSU, Auburn, Oregon, Nebraska, Oklahoma vs Oklahoma State, Michigan State, Wisconsin and Ohio State) and were then treated to games that may decide divisions and wild card slots (Packers, Bears, Giant, Colts and Vikings). Just another thing to be thankful for…(It’s Monday, there’s gonna be some cheese in here)

Unfortunately, outside the football world, political life went on. The eerily plugged-in WikiLinks website gained access to what might amount to a quarter million cables concerning intimate conversations and insights on diplomatic negotiations from around the world. The cables span the past three years, include some from just this past February. The first batch were released on Sunday, with more to come soon. Ambassadors and American diplomats across the globe have been reaching out to their counterparts to forewarn the impeding explosion. Many intelligence officials in the government claim the information endangers the efforts of diplomats and infringes on the personal rights of government employees. Frankly, there is a ton of information to sift through, but already news agencies have found some shocking exchanges between nations. Cables show that the US has been secretly (and very unsuccessfully) attempting to steal nuclear weapons and materials from Iran since late 2007. It has also revealed the wheeling and dealing involved with trying to close the Guantanamo Prison in Cuba by trying to entice other nations with cash, trading rights and photo-ops if they would take terrorists into their country. (Slovenia was told they would get a meeting with President Obama if they would house a detainee) Other cables revealed that the American government warned Germany against punishing or even trying to prosecute US CIA agents who arrested an innocent German citizen and held him in Afghanistan for months. Much more on this later in the week…

The holidays are not, officially, commenced; while the Bohunk loves Christmas just as much as the next Bohunk, the ever-earlier creep of Christmas itself infringed on the gift-less, pressure-less joy that is Thanksgiving. Watch the Macy’s Parade? See anything Thanksgiving related? While I will admit I did not watch the parade in its entirety, I counted three (3) Thanksgiving-themed floats, while nearly every other was bedecked hall-like with fake snow, elves, dancing Santa girls or bows of holly. With Turkey Day passed, now Christmas songs and movies are acceptable, though the November 16th airing of The Grinch did not go unnoticed.

The Official Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade Poster; Please point out
any aspect that indicates this parade honors the holiday of Thanks-
giving. (And if you say “Buzz Lightyear”, you’re wrong and a jerk)

To aid you in your gift searching, the Bohunk will be featuring one CHEAP item at random until Christmas Eve. Do not let the commercials fool you; you will not receive a Mercedes, an iPad and a flawless diamond this Christmas (unless you’re rich, you tax-dodging bastards) and no one expects those things from you (see above if you actually do expect those things). This inaugural gift is simple, inexpensive but intelligent. Bloodlands: Europe Between Hitler and Stalin by Timothy Snyder ($17.99, if you buy at Barnes and Noble) is a nice, thick history piece focused on the nations between Germany and Russia who spent the middle portion of the 20th century being either ruled and massacred by the Nazis during WWII or being ruled and massacred by Stalin and Soviet Russia. Most of this region was taken over in the ‘30’s by Stalin, who pushed the peasants from the ancestral farms and forced them onto commercials farms or to industrial zones. Ukrainians claimed that 3 million men were killed during this period before WWII; a 1937 census by the Soviet government found that over 8 million people had “disappeared.” Stalin was shocked; he then killed the demographers who were responsible for conducting the census. Snyder, an excellent writer and a brilliant historian, found that in 12 years over 14 million civilians were killed in Poland, the Baltic nations and Ukraine. It’s a great book for the history buff on your list. (Yours Truly)

Thanks for reading, and please take a moment to check out Livestrong.org to check out their gear. They are offering 28% off for the holiday season in honor of the 28 million living with cancer this year. Enjoy Monday Night Football, the San Francisco Squared Sevens vs. the Arizona Red Birds.

Thanksgiving, iThings and Red Kettles…

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and may you celebrate what you have by waking uncomfortably early, braving the weather and swirling snow and spending more than you have to purchase more things to be thankful for. The Bohunk has always thought the presence of Black Friday so insultingly close was a most insensitive juxtaposition of American values: Be thankful, then consume.

But more importantly, Turkey Day is the annual occurrence of the Detroit Lions playing on national television. Many Talking Heads have proposed that the honor of playing on Thanksgiving be taken away from Detroit, who has been playing in front of folks eating pies since 1934. To them, I say boldly; “How dare you, sir?” The Lions, and the city of Detroit, have very little to hang their hats upon. This game, every year, is one of the strongest and most dearly held traditions in sports. The game is a very large reason why Detroit has a massive parade and running event downtown, an important bump to the obviously struggling economy. In the light of ex-mayor Kwame “Crooked as a Tree Limb” Kilpatrick’s many scandals, a political embarrassment still drawing convictions, and the repeatedly persecuted automotive industry, Detroit needs something to point to with pride.

This gyration and gesticulation is the stuff 2-win teams should avoid….

In the game, however, the Lions played with their typical fervor until roughly half time, at which point the overwhelming scent of turkey legs and stuffing was craftily wafted into their dressing room by Tom Brady hair. The Lions played right up to the Flying Elvii, going blow for blow with The Best Team In The NFL for over two quarters. Then, the Lions realized what jerseys they were and began playing to that tune. A 79-yard touchdown to Deion Brach from Brady had cornerback Alphonso Smith turning around three times on the play after scooting 15 yards to close the gap. Safety CC Brown jogged for 40 yards on the play, only coming into the television’s frame on the 5 yard line. Then, “Shotgun” Shaun Hill began playing like the perennial back-up he SHOULD be by throwing some ugly balls, including missing a wide open Nate Burleson on a 3rd and short near the end of the third quarter. Detroit receivers replied, in turn, by dropping some easy passes, including Burleson’s drop in the end zone late in the fourth. On that play, with 6 minutes left in the game, the Bohunk put down the fork, belched slightly, and said, “Game Over.”

‘Tis the season, folks, the season of giving. And now, you can give with plastic. Those little red kettles, a stalwart fixture outside of so many department stores, are now accepting credit cards in some high-traffic locations. The kettles will still be setup for change and bills, but one can assume the plastic will be of use in higher income areas. In the words of one Pompous Ass, “Cash is for gangstas.”

On this Black Friday, Apple is running some rare deals in hopes of attracting some buyers. Apple and its iThings (iPhones, touches, pods, macs and TVs) are almost never offered at reduced pricing. The rough economy and raised interest in sales this season have prompted the TechnoGiant to take a little bit off some of its more popular items to stimulate sales. For example, its 8gb iPod Touch, usually $230.00, is down to a low, low $199.99. iPod Shuffles are a whopping $2 off…if that lures you off the couch today.

There is big-doin’s this afternoon in college football, folks. Last night, Texas A&M (my favorite use of the ampersand) defeated archrival Texas to make the Longhorns bowl ineligible. Today, however, is the final match up of the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Colorado Buffaloes. Nebraska can take the Big 12 North title with a win, and secure a cozy lil’ spot in the Big 12 title game. But it also assures itself a strong end to its run as a Big 12 team, a conference it helped create out of the Big South and Big Eight divisions back in the 60’s and early 70’s. Next season, the Huskers will be in the Big Ten, playing the strange likes of Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan. Godspeed, Huskers, please run the ball the length of the field and place the oblong sphere across the imagined plane highlighted at it base by a white stripe.

Taylor “Swift” Martinez will get his first and only shot against Colorado today.

Also today, Auburn plays Alabama, the last chance for the forces of good (Bama) to defeat the Army of Dark and Shadows (Auburn) before the season is over. Auburn is already guaranteed a spot in the SEC Championship against South Carolina, win or lose, but a loss to ‘Bama would knock them from the #2 spot in the BCS and allow the likes of a Boise State/TCU squad to face Oregon, My Oregon for the National Title. The Bohunk’s prediction; Auburn 14, Cam Newton 14, Alabama 35. Roll, Tide, Roll. Please.

Finally, in the Case of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Meat, “El Pistolero” and his lawyers will present their defense this Friday against doping charges stemming from in July 24th positive test for clenbuterol. Contador and his team with make a formal presentation to attempt to convince a Spanish court of his innocence. As reportedly in an early Update, Spanish authorities have debunked Contador’s claim that he ingested tainted beef the evening before his positive test. Others claim that the positive is the result of a blood transfusion of less tired blood that contained the clenbuterol and also plasticizers from the transfusion bag. Contador is going to be banned; the 2010 title will be given to a reluctant Andy Schleck, and the Saxo-Bank-Sungard squad will probably be defunct as a result. Way to go, Alberto. Ruin your sport, squad and the livelihoods of your teammates.

Thanks for reading, enjoy the leftovers today, and of course, the football. See you next week, folks, and don’t be forget to be thankful.

Manning, the Pope/Condoms, and the End of Brett Favre…

Thank you, Green Bay Packers organization, for sending Brett Favre off into the last third of his last NFL season just a few games out of last place in the division. The Bohunk smelled upset, or at least a let down'; but the shellacking in Minnesota Sunday afternoon cemented the vault on the Vikings’ tomb* and Brett Favre’s career. He cried in a post game interview, waxed poetic over what-might-have-beens and finally admitted that the season was a bust. Mr. Favre, when you ask for all the attention and adulation, you get all the down side too. Thank you for 16 years of excellent Packers football, and may NFL fans and the Football Gods forgive these last three.

How bad was Favre against the Pack? Well, frustration, like an over boiled, possibly sexually frustrated and oft-intercepted pot of water, Favre blew his lid. Favre is a player above coaching while being very much in need of it. After tossing his league leading 17th interception, the Vikings offensive coordinator tried to have a word with the Aged Wonder; Favre had nothing to do with it. If this was any other player, Childress would have benched him a month ago.

The Flying Elvii, let by the Bieber-esque Tom Brady, beat the Indianapolis Lucky Charms by 3, nearly squandering a three score lead late in the fourth quarter. Led by the lesbian looking Bill Belicheck, the Pats are very quietly the best team in the NFL, a sentiment voiced by the Bohunk a month ago. Peyton Manning tossed some ugly interceptions, including one with under a minute to go with the Young Horses well within field goal range. A curious mistake in a game that was otherwise pressure-free for the Elder Oreo Eater.

Perhaps, Peyton, you should leave the licking to Eli and return to MVP
form. I will, of course, have a cookie, however.

In amateur football, Nebraska lost to Texas A&M (note the legitimate use of the ampersand there) to end all BCS hopes, the designs of which the Bohunk had been dissecting for the past two weeks. Now, the play their final post-Turkey Dinner game against Colorado, a personal favorite of mine for both of my decades alive on earth. With a win, they earn the right to play in the Big 12 Title game. With a loss, they shall slink into the Big 10 without hardware in their last season out west. (Editor’s Note: Watch your respective asses, Michigan State, Michigan and Ohio State)

TCU and Boise State won to remain undefeated while Oregon and Auburn were off for Saturday, preparing for games this Friday afternoon. Auburn plays #11 Alabama, which could be the last opponent with a legitimate shot at defeating Cam “I’m Getting Paid!” Newton and the Tigers. We can only hope…

On the college note, the Bohunk would like to thank an all-too-often-forgot tradition in collegiate foot ball…The baton girl. Yes, the baton girl, the quaint, smiling and heavily rouged youth who, bedecked in a dazzling, sparkling one-piece bathing suit, delights crowds of all ages (but mostly males ranging in age from puberty to creepily near the grace) with their, well, twirling. Thank you for your excellence, Baton Girls of America.

You, madam, are on fire.

The Pope is now closer than ever to condoms. The Holy Father said recently that the problem of “Aids cannot be solved only by the distribution of condoms alone,” but hinted that their use in limited contexts could be a vast improvement in countries where sexual transmitted disease is rampant (or, as any medical expert would tell you, everywhere). In Africa, where millions of sexual active individuals are HIV positive and millions are living with AIDS, the Vatican’s insistence that birth control is a form of sin has contributed greatly to the spread of the disease. In fact, the Pope’s committed and antiquated stance is followed by Catholics around the globe (they are the families with 6 kids) and is a contributing factor to the overpopulation of underdeveloped nations like those found in South America. Perhaps the Pope will finally expand the okay-ed use of contraceptives to include all couples. Sooner, rather than later, would be appreciated….

In the Bohunk’s ongoing interest in the country of Haiti, I regret to say that officials are now reporting that roughly 1,250 people have died of the now rampant cholera epidemic that has spread throughout the nation. A further 21,000 people have been stricken with the disease. Roughly 63 of the deaths have come in the capital, Port-au-Prince, which is now home to tens of thousands of refugees seeking shelter after a earthquake last January ruined much of the city. 230,000 people died in that earthquake. If you would like to make a donation, please follow this link to the Clinton Bush Haiti Relief Fund.

For a brave young chap looking for work in the newspaper field (perhaps, you might see, like the Bohunk) the following would be of some interest. Super, uber rich guy Rupert Murdoch, CEO of News Corp may just be in an unholy alliance with Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple. The two are rumored to be either created an online-only newspaper designed for iPad, or they are just showing each other their willys. The cyber newspaper would stream to any Apple 3G-enabled device for about $4.25 a day, cheaper than your print version and you don’t have to go outside to get it (you lazy SOB) in adverse conditions. In slightly related news, the iPad 2 is now expected to be released this coming April.

Thanks for reading, enjoy Denver vs. San Diego this evening on Monday Night Football.

* Vikings were traditionally burned on funeral pyres from the 3rd century on, though some evidence shows nobles or warriors were set out in warships meant to sink, the body surrounded with weapons and treasures piled high about them.

Murder Most Foul, Hall of Fame, and NFL Stuff….

Welcome to the Week before Thanksgiving, where many a teenage girl begins to starve herself before the gluttonous bounty that is Turkey Day itself….

A quick gesticulation to the –> right of your screen to bring your attention to the All-New Flying Bohunk Hall of Fame, chronicling famous folk who have made a visit to the blog since its meteoric rise to mediocrity. Illustrious names like Ted King, Todd Wells and Heather Irmiger grace the Hall, and the Bohunk will be bothering other Big Names to add to those ranks.

The fan favorite herself, Heather Irmiger. Note the number of riders
behind her….All of them. New HoF inductee.

The Detroit Lions lost to the heretofore winless Buffalo Ballcap Brims in a close but ugly, ugly football contest. The unsightly 12-14 score was indicative of the game itself. Detroit offered up 11 penalties to Ryan “I Graduate From Harvard, Pip, Pip” Fitzpatrick and the now 1-7 Bills. Fitzpatrick, an undrafted free agent who is now, statistically, one of the top ten quarterbacks in the league is this year’s Bohunk Breakout Player of the First Portion of the Season.

“A true Harvard chap will celebrate all wins by
investing in a long term CD and uttering a rousing,
’Pip, pip.’”

The Cowboys (not, mind you, cow-gentlemen) beat the New York Football Players Of Large Stature. They are now 2-7, but, as the head coach would point out, 1-0 under their new head coach, Jason Garrett. The Pokes overcame some ugly penalties and took advantage of Eli Manning’s distracted play (thinking about Oreos) to return a TD 101 yards off an interception. A good record for the remainder of the season might just allow the Red-Headed Garrett keep the job into next year, especially if a prolonged negotiation takes place as a new labor deal is discussed for the NFL.

In not-officially-paid-football, Auburn, Oregon, My Oregon and Boise State frolicked amongst the tulips, pushing aside some competition to remain undefeated. The truly interesting team at this point of the season is LSU; should the Purple Tigers (as I call them) win out, they just might have enough points to jump over either Boise or TCU to get into a BCS game. If that should happen, it would offer Boise and TCU opportunities to beat teams from automatic qualifier conferences and prove a point the Bohunk has repeatedly hammered into critics; if these non-automatic qualifier teams aren’t really any good, then why not let them play the Big Boys? The BCS has conveniently matched up the non-automatic qualifiers whenever possible since Boise upset Oklahoma in 2007. In the immortal words of Bobby Z., “I ain’t sayin’ nothin’, I’m just sayin’.”

Sad news from Haiti; the recent outbreak of cholera, which has since spread and thousands in the beleaguered nation, has claimed over 900 lives. Of the nation’s 10 provinces, 6 have confirmed deaths from cholera. Estimates place the number of people hospitalized at 14,000 since the outbreak began last month. The UN is now asking for $164 million to combat the disease. 121 people have died of cholera since Friday.

In technological news, Facebook has vowed to create a “Gmail-killer” with its new integrated email service. Reports of Facebook’s plan to create an email service have long been rumored though more concrete indications of the move surfaced last week. The Bohunk was going to include it, but, I was checking my Facebook. The company already has roughly 500 millions members (only 800 of which are are my friends (makes sad face and slumps shoulders)) that would be quick to adopt the new service. Quote from Gmail, Yahoo! and Hotmail: “Bring it on, bitches.”

Scientists from around the globe are exhuming the grave of famed astronomer Tycho Brahe, a Danish gentleman born in 1546 and who died in 1601 under mysterious circumstances. After a 1901 exhumation, scientists back then thought he died of a bladder infection; now, in a much cooler theory, some believe Brahe had abnormally and even lethal amounts of mercury in his blood system at the time of his death, leading some to believe he died of murder…murder most foul. Brahe died while in the Motherland (Prague, in what is now Czech Republic but has been and always will be the land of my people) at the invitation of Holy Roman Emperor Rudolph II after the Brahe’s dispute with the Danish king. Brahe is credited with collected the most accurate data of celestial bodies of any person in his lifetime

**Bonus Fact: Brahe was in a duel at some point in his life. The sword of a fellow nobleman reportedly cut off the end of his nose, which was replaced by a piece of metal. Scientists are hoping to find this piece of metal to determine what it was made of and if it could have been a reason for Brahe’s elevated mercury levels. 

Thanks for reading, hope you had an excellent weekend. Enjoy Monday Night Football this evening, Washington Native Americans against the Philadelphia “Boos When A Player Might Be Paralyzed” Eagles….Haven’t forgot about you, Colts WR Austin Collie… Stay strong, brother…

Iceman, Caffeinated Drunks, Newton and Nerds

Sorry folks, no Weekend Whorrior this Friday; I think the frigid air kept all the candidates snug in a stranger’s bed well after I left for class this morning. We can only hope some stronger, more resilient shamed women brave the elements next week…

Tomorrow is the Iceman Cometh mountain bike race, so the freshly fallen snow in Kalkaska and Traverse City is the perfect back drop for what might shake out to be one of the most hotly contested editions of the largest race in Michigan so far. US National Champ Jeremy Horgan-Kobelski (always fear a man with a hyphen) will try to repeat against the likes of Todd Wells of Specialized, Traverse City’s very own Larry Warbasse of BMC Racing and many other top professionals. The weather is expected to be freezing, and the overnight low of 26 should allow the picturesque dusting of snow to stick around well into tomorrow afternoon, when the pros take off at 4.30.

The Iceman route is 27 miles, beginning in downtown Kalkaska and finished along the trails of the VASA on the east side of Traverse City. Roughly 4,000 riders will participate, with the main wave of amateurs taking off at 9 am. It is the largest mountain bike race in the Midwest and only gets bigger each year. If you have some free time Saturday, make your way over to Timber Ridge to check out the finish. To see the pros cross the line, plan on arriving a little after 5.

In a “No shit, Sherlock” ruling the Bohunk has been watched for a few weeks now, the Michigan Liquor Commission banned energy drinks that contain alcohol, such as Four Loko. These drinks contain roughly 12% alcohol while containing roughly the same amount of caffeine as a tall Starbucks cofffee. The result; the caffeine (a stimulant) covers up the effects of the alcohol (a depressant) making college students believe they can consume more of both drug than is healthy. The effects felt in the brain do not match the effects felt in the body; drinking two of these cans, about 40oz, is the same as drinking 5 or six beers without “feeling” any effect…Until you begin to projectile vomit across the room. Also, because students think they are, “fine, man, I’m totally fine” they drive drunk. The drinks can also affect heart rate, as well as breathing and coordination, such as causing uncontrollable shaking. Illinois and Pennsylvania are also exploring a possible ban. Don’t drink this stuff; it’s just plain stupid.

Reports say that Randy Moss, suppposedly, instructed the Vikings’ owner to fire head coach Brad Childress. This might be the second “No shit, Sherlock” moment of the post today, but apparently the owner did not agree. Moss’ rant came after the loss to the Patriots (his former team) and just a few days before rumors of his release came to fruition. Now,I believe any 2-5 team’s coach, especially a team which had only one loss at this point last season, should be on the hot seat. One that completely mishandled his quarterback, offense and the Moss situation will surely be canned. Moss just said the obvious, which we all know one should never do to one's employer.

Heisman probable (it isn’t hopeful if you’ve pretty much won it) Cam Newton is now under investigation after reports surfaced that his representative, a person who works to match recruits to universities, sought some cash from schools he shopped Newton to. One figure, released from a trip to Mississippi State, put the sum at $200,000 to essentially buy Newton’s commitment to that school. The money never actually never exchanged hands, and Newton wound up at Auburn much later, but the idea that money was a factor is suspicious for Newton, Auburn, the SEC and the NCAA in general. While it is a crime that college football makes millions and the students only receive a fraction of the benefits through tuition costs, the rules are, as they say, the rules. Newton and his father have denied the allegations, and staff and administration from Auburn have given no comment. Newton transferred to Auburn after legal problems led to his dismissal from the University of Florida.

 

Welcome back to the free world, Mr. Carter. Lil’ Wayne was released from prison yesterday, an event treated in the US with the same celebration as South Africa offered for the emergence of Nelson Mandela back into society. Way to go, middle-to-upper class white high school students, you’ve successfully made Weezy feel embraced and venerated. Just wait till his record “drops'”…

Researchers crazy enough to explore this type of thing have found that a weak current of electricity flowing through the brain can help a person’s math skills improve for up to six months. The procedure produces no known side effects, though there is a chance will become so smart no one will want to talk to you, you freakin’ nerd-loser.

Who is the top team in the NFL? Cast your vote in the poll to the right, and the results will be posted next week.

Thanks for reading, enjoy the Iceman Cometh in Kalkaska and Traverse City, and be sure to bring a coat, it gets frigid up there when the wind is from the north. Have a great weekend, the Update will be back Monday.