Ruta del Sol: Winner Gets A Goofy Hat

Over at one of my favorite cycling events in Europe, the Ruta del Sol, Fran Ventoso sprinted to a win in the third stage. After dragging himself over some rated climbs, Ventoso and the other sprinters queued up with six km to go and hit the gas; Ventoso bested Juan Lobato and Davide Appollonio to take the win after being handed second place in a photo finish earlier in the Ruta. RadioShack man Markel Irizar retained his one second lead over Jurgen Van den Broeck and is looking good with just two sprinting stages left to go. Levi Leipheimer is in third two seconds back and looking strong against some of the top riders in the European peloton, including the Schlecks from LEOPARD-TREK (the sponsors of the team ask their names be capitalized; the Bohunk abides) and a surprising ride by Spanish rider Luis Pasamonte, in fifth.

“V'” for Ventoso!

Andy and Frank Schleck make their stage racing debut; its’ early,
folks….

Photo Montage Addition

After my Lance Armstrong retirement photo montage, the Bohunk received several emails about omissions. It is not possible to include every moment of a twenty five year cycling career, but after an email from a Belgian fan, I had to attach an important appendix to that post.

Armstrong goes it alone in the 2010 Tour.

In the 2010 Tour, Lance suffered a flat on the cobbles as the peloton, indeed, the race, was torn apart by Fabian Cancellara. While the Swiss Time Machine pounded away on the front, Lance was tacked on to the lead group of contenders until his front wheel went. He had to wait for a replacement, and, nursed along by teammate Yaroslav Popovych, trailed by over two minutes behind the favorites. Ahead on the road were the likes of Andy Schleck, Cadel Evans and Denis Menchov. Alberto Contador was the main benefactor. Before Lance’s flat, the Spaniard was about a minute behind. After, he ended up with over a minute buffer.

Armstrong used Popo as long as he could before going it alone, chasing down a small group ahead of him on the road to reduce his losses. He spent a lot of energy in the chase and ceded an awful lot of time to the main threats to the overall. Lance has won Tours and impressed Yours Truly many, many times, but this ride is still one of the most impressive and important. Even at 38, with the odds and critics against him, Armstrong still had enough to go after the race alone and give it his all. Cheesy? Absolutely. But without heroics and great stories, cycling is just suffering painful.

Big, Strong, German: Tony Martin Wins Tour of the Algarve

Alberto Contador avoided a one-year ban and very quickly joined the Tour of the Algarve on this past Wednesday, his first competition since the Tour last July after his suspension for doping. Contador held on Friday for a steep finishing climb to stay in the top five, but very, very German Tony Martin won the time trial that concluded the race to keep Alberto off the top step of the podium or even on it. Alberto finished well outside of the top ten on in the time trial but held on to fourth place overall, forty-one seconds behind Martin, who took the overall title.

Close but no clenbuterol: El Pistolero comes up short at the
Algarve.

Contador won the last two editions of the Tour of the Algarve and admitted after the race he was simply not in shape to win it again. Other riders have some racing miles in their legs and, coming off of his suspension, Contador has not pushed a pedal in anger since the second to last stage of the 2010 Tour de France.

RadioShack note: Tiago Machado, Jesse Sergent and Andreas Kloden all finished in the top five of stage six, and Kloden placed fifth overall for the race.

Lance Armstrong Montage

Lance Armstrong retired officially yesterday, indicating he will not ride the Quiznos Challenge or Tour of California in 2011. Lance won seven Tours de France, was a world champion and served as an inspiration for millions of cancer survivors while raising money and awareness through his foundation. Today, forget just for a moment the drug accusations and the federal investigation. Wasn’t it just fun to watch him race? Yes, I believe it was. The Bohunk can admit that there is an awful lot of indication of wrongdoing, but nothing has stuck yet. So, regardless if you hate Lance, or love him, and you probably aren’t in between, enjoy a few pictures from his amazing career….

A young, world champion Lance Armstrong and American Tour champ Greg LeMond…This may be the only friendly conversation the two ever had.

A grainy look at Lance on the brink. One of his later chemo treatments in the mid 90’s.

Sestriere in 1999: The attack that won him
the Tour and made him the best climber in
the world over Marco Pantani.

The Look: 2001, Lance takes a peep at rival Jan Ulrich. Lance went; Ulrich could not.

Lance won his seventh tour in 2005, and retired shortly after.

Comeback 2.0 resulted in a third at the Tour and, as Lance often said himself, it was a lot more work.

Crashes marred 2010, including this one at the Tour of California, the same day Floyd Landis began his campaign against Lance in the press.

We will leave Lance here, on his way to 23rd place at the Tour in 2010, but still riding well even at 38 years old.

(More) Proof: World Going To Hell Via Hand Basket

Saxo-man Contador cannot believe the Tainted Beef Story worked…see you at Algarve, Pistolero.

In cycling, typically, once a rider is suspended, an appeal is asked for by the rider, upheld, handled poorly over  a long period of time, then denied. Alberto Contador got his one year ban overturned, effective today and meaning “El Pistolero” will be eligible to join in for the Algarve racing event in Portugal later this week. It also means he’ll be there for the Giro d’Italia, the Tour de France and all the warm up races Tour contenders frequent in the months of April, May and June. So much for “zero tolerance”. The ruling completely ignored the evidence of plasticizers in Contador’s samples, which cannot be explained away by the old stand-by, tainted beef. This story is too old and, now, too frustrating, to continue on with. Barring anything dramatic, like a judicial admission of corruption or something thoroughly juicy, you will indeed see Contador in Italy and France this season, and, no doubt, contending for the podium in both events. You will. You just, my Dear Readers, will.

Ricco: Shame On You

Disgraced and somewhat creepy Vaconsoleil rider Riccardo Ricco was rushed to the hospital  early Sunday morning, confessing, or so it is claimed, to have botched a blood transfusion. Ricco is just returning from a two year ban after being caught with generous amounts of CERA during the Tour de France in 2008. Gazzetta dello Sport is reporting that Ricco was attempting to swap blood ahead of the Tour Mediterraneen which began today in France. The paper charges that poor preservation practices led to the blood becoming contaminated, and when bad blood is returned to the system, it causes a terrifyingly serious case of septicaemia, kidney blockage and a dangerously high temperature, all symptoms Ricco was suffering when admitted to the hospital. These high temperatures cause the membrane of cells to deteriorate and release toxins into the blood stream, which can potentially cause permanent kidney damage.

Ricco being escorted from the Tour de France in 2008 after a positive test.

Authorities searched Ricco’s home but found no evidence of blood doping, which is a crime in Italy, severe enough to have at least a 3 month jail sentence, and Ricco could potentially face up to three years in prison if convicted. Some pills found in the home were sent for analysis. Ricco served a ban from racing after his positive in 2008, returning under the short lived guidance of Aldo Sassi, a legendary Italian cycling coach who has since passed from a long battle with cancer. The Bohunk recommends the cycling world forget about Ricco entirely; he is not worth our time or the ink we could use on decent human beings.

The End of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Beef

Alberto Contador’s ban is official; one year. However, as noted in an article this morning on VeloNews.com, the official date of when his ban begins is up in the air. Contador has not raced at all since the Tour de France, skipping a handful of small races and criterium events for uncited reasons. We learned later that it was probably because he already learned about the positive test and he wanted to avoid having those results taken away as well. If the ban begins retroactively from the end of July and the conclusion of the Tour, Contador could then start the Vuelta. Riding in his home country’s race as a return to cycling would be an irresistible option for the Spaniard, and give him a chance to win a title for his new Saxo-Bank squad. No official date has been announced, though the matter should be cleared up very soon. Contador will hold a press conference today to reveal his reactions and any intent to appeal the ruling.

“Alberto, stop doing the little pistolero thing, you’re a
convicted doper now…”

*Since it has been resolve, the Bohunk sadly announces the greatest recurring article title ever known. Goodbye, The Case of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Beef. You will be missed whilst giggling.

Tainted Beef Conclusion and Chopin...

Reports from Espana (Spain, for my monolingual 'Merican audience) indicate that Two or Three time Tour de France champion Alberto Contador will likely be banned for one year after months of deliberation and investigation. The Spanish newspaper Marca and others are reporting that the decision on Alberto Contador and the Case of the Tainted Spanish Beef will be announced Thursday, resulting in a single year ban that would keep him from racing in any events this season. Reports from the Contador Camp say that they do not believe these early bits of leaked information, not even that the announcement will come Thursday. This is, frankly, an ugly time for cycling. If Contador doped last year, he has been doping the whole time. That means Armstrong's seven Tour wins, Landis' one and Contador's three represent over a decade of Tours won by cheaters. That is amazing; imagine the NFL investigating the last ten Super Bowl winners at the same time, and one team already admitting they had cheated. (Oh, right, the Patriots admitted to spying, but at least not in the Super Bowl) So, for a sport already struggling for sponsors and attention, the realization that even its best are fake, drugged up men in Lycra could be extremely damaging, even crippling. More on this on Thursday...

In other news, we recall the great pianist Frederic Chopin, who was said by his contemporaries to be the most astounding artist of his day (the Bohunk tends to agree). Chopin had a strange habit of losing consciousness and going into a dream-like state, even while performing before a packed audience. The Bohunk uses Chopin's sonattas to fall asleep; I never found Chopin's slumber all that surprising when I read of it. Now, however, Spanish doctors, apparently less busy after trying to exonerate Contador, have found that Chopin probably suffered from temporal lobe epilepsy, a condition that creates hallucinations that last from seconds to some minutes. Chopin claimed to be able to describe his dreams in very minute detail, another indication that these fits were in fact the result of epilepsy and not, as the novelist and very, very French person Aurore Dudevant claimed, "the manifestation of a genius full of sentiment and expression. Which would have been much cooler, but not scientifically viable.

Cromartie, Poe, Droopy Dog and the Pasta Investigation…

It is Wednesday, verily, the day of the hump and also of the “Modern Family” at 9, 8 Central. Fight the doldrums until then, and the week will be over before you know…In 48 hours or so.

Reports are that Senator Joe Lieberman (gasps) will not run for President in 2012 (awwwwww) according to members of his staff and certain close aides. The 68 year old senator from Connecticut will announce the decision later in the week or by the end of this month, much to the relief of almost no political rivals. The move benefits Democrats chiefly, at least in the minds of several political pundits. Lieberman spent most of his career as an important figure in the Democratic Party, though has spent the last four years in a creepy ex-boyfriend who has slept around with your enemy stigma attached. Lieberman jumped ship, if you will, ahead of the 2008 Presidential campaign, backing John McCain instead of Barack Obama. He will retire from public service when his current term concludes in two years, quietly bowing from the spotlight and enjoying time with his friends and family. Until then, however, Joe will have to skate the slippery slope between a drastically and violently divided Senate, even in the wake of the supposed ‘peace’ of the Tucson shootings.

Joe Lieberman.

A massive 7.2 earthquake rocked a sparsely populated area of Pakistan today, roughly 200 miles from the closest urban center but strong enough to take a few casualties even in the remote regions of the Pakistani desert. Final reports from the closest cities are not finalized or confirmed, but only one woman was said to have died of a heart attack triggered by the quake. A 7.2 earthquake is massive, similar in strength to the one that triggered the tsunami in the Indian ocean five years ago. An added danger in the region is the poor construction of homes; most structures are made or mud-brick and wood and fail almost immediately during a heavy quake. More on this is it is necessary….

Following up on a religion vs. science story from a month back, the University of Kentucky was forced to pay $125,000 to an astronomy professor who recently brought charges of discrimination against the school after being turned down for a job. To be fair, $125,000 is probably what Kentucky spends on a single basketball recruit each summer, but this is harder to swallow because it won’t translate into PPG. The snubbed professor, C. Martin Gaskell, says he was denied a job with the University because he hinted a belief “something close to a creationist” and “potentially evangelical” in e-mails that circulated within the schools department. To note, however, allowing a person whose research and observations are clouded by religion certainly has an impact on how that professor looks at science. To be fair, however, the University of Kentucky failed to handle the situation properly, which, as we all know, is to deny, deny, deny and then counter-sue.

In another twist in the on-going Pasta Investigation of Lance Armstrong (throw everything at him and see what sticks) reports surfaced of more allegations indicating that Armstrong encouraged and even required EPO use on his Motorola team in the 90s. An unnamed teammate from the ‘95 squad said that Armstrong was the “instigator” of doping on the squad, even instructing teammates on how to use EPO and, more importantly, how to hide it. This is not news, however, the Bohunk finds the recurrent claims of the same charges intriguing…Why repeat the same accusations for almost a year? If there is so much evidence, why can’t anyone present tangible evidence of guilt besides nameless teammates casting blame? Even the FBI admits that it has conducted little to no investigative activity in the past three months, showing that they really have nothing to add to the case. Innocent, innocent, innocent…until factually and indisputably proven guilty by hard evidence.

Lance Armstrong as a Motorola rider and World Champion…before the cancer, the Tours and the allegations….

On this very day in 1809, the dark and mysterious and macabre Edgar Allen Poe was born. After being raised by his godfather, John Allan, Poe wrote three volumes of poetry to almost no acclaim or attention. He took a job as an editor of the Southern Literary Messenger in Richmond, Virginia and married his 13 year old cousin, which, though teachers tell you wasn’t uncommon at the time, was, in fact, a touch odd, even by the standards of the day. He drank heavily and lost his job, forcing a move north to Philadelphia where he kept busy with his hands in a few publications as an editor and a critic. His most famous works, including The Tell-Tale Heart, The Murders At the Rue Morgue and The Fall of the House of Usher all were written during this period, which was actually one of the most tranquil and relatively peaceful of Poe’s life. The stories themselves, however, did not reflect stability; they were odd, dark, horrific and dabbled in mystery, giving Poe the title of the father of the detective story. The Poes moved once more to New York City, where Poe penned "The Raven” his most famous poem. His wife died in 1847, driving Poe to even more voluminous drinking, eventually stumbling into a gutter drunk and dying somewhere in Baltimore in 1849. Poe was forty years old. 

The Bohunk casually and without much concern put forth his AFC Championship prediction, in two parts. A) I don’t care, I think both clubs, Thieves and Aeronautical Studies, alike in a uniform thuggery and criminal mind. There are more fines and arrests between these two teams to equal all of the other teams in the NFL. How can anyone root for them? B) That said, I’ll take the Steelers over the Jets by the simple reasoning of choosing, however reluctantly, the lesser of two great evils. It should be a close contest, if it does not devolve into fisticuffs after James Harrison spears Sanchez and Antonio Cromartie leads his Army of Children into battle (though he doesn’t know any of their names) in retaliation.

Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie and two Baby-Mamas-To-Be…

A short and not so sweet Update today, though my apologies must be accepted due to impossible circumstances; I have a lot of homework and little sleep. Thanks for reading, folks, and enjoy your day in spite of all things and people…

Telescopes, Foot Fetishes, The Prolific Father, and Haiti

It's Wednesday, the Day of the Hump and Modern Family on ABC. Not the worst day of the week, if you don;t believe its nasty reputation. And it sure beats the piss out of Monday, without question....

A suicide bomber killed four in Afghanistan yesterday when he detonated his explosives just outside the nation's Parliament building. In a separate incident, a bomb killed four NATO soldiers while on patrol. Still three more were killed in a Taliban strike on a security depot near Kabul. The situation in Afghanistan is deteriorating and it will be up to the police and other security forces to respond in the face of rising tension and violence. With the US now firmly departing in the near future, with some units already being called home, the meager and provenly unreliable security forces will be the only defense against these types of attacks. They have little or no history of success, and, in fact, are more noted in Western media for thorough corruption, violence and a repeated reluctance to engage enemy forces. The Bohunk is not a military expert, though I watch a lot of History Channel, so I can predict that those forces are not very reassuring.

If you frequent hobby shops and the like, you may have noticed that telescopes are expensive. Europe, which is an entity with deeper pockets than thou, is showing of the Planck space telescope which has been giving astronomers some dazzling views of deep space that we have never witnessed before. The Planck space telescope has discovered over 15,000 new celestial objects and 30 all-new galaxy clusters. The telescope is 937,000 miles from earth but still orbiting in our atmosphere, scanning the universe and looking through a fog of microwaves that exist in the void. The fog is caused by the constant and impossibly numerous granules spinning around themselves and colliding with others at several billion times a second. These granules collide with themselves, fast moving atoms and particles, and packets of ultraviolet light. Now that we can 'see' (which, remember, we can't; we only see aspects of the waves of a very distant light, and only through a severely limited spectrum) these far and distant places, we can learn very much about our universe and its behavior. Is the universe accelerating in expansion equally in all directions? Might there be, in the far distance, aspects of the universe we have not discovered in our own galaxy? We don't know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

In the on-going case of Contador and the Tainted Spanish Beef, UCI President Pat McQuaid believes that Contador will not be able to resolve his doping issues and to compete in next year's Tour de France. The Spanish Federation regarding sports is handling the case, but even if it comes to a conclusion by the end of the month, an appeal by Contador or the UCI would drag the case on for even more time, almost certainly more than the few months left before the big race in July. While under suspension, Contador cannot participate in cycling events, making it nearly impossible to mimic race conditions and fitness. Frankly, the Pint-sized Pistolero from Pinto will not be involved in racing this season, and it will be very interesting, and no doubt a testament to his character, to see if he fulfills his vow to quit if he is found guilty. McQuaid believes his absence will fuel other riders to vie for the top step in Paris. The Bohunk says the Schlecks are going to extremely powerful, but do not count out Cadel Evans, one of my favorite riders and a man coming off a terrific and gritty 2010. Denis Menchov and Carlos Sastre from Geox could also be dangerous, especially in this climber's course.

Those New York Jets sure can talk, talk, talk. From "Hard Knocks" to the Spanish reporter incident to Rex Ryan foot fetish videos, they are rarely closed-mouth. Reporters pointed out that, while the Patriots routed the Jets 45-3, the Flying Elvii quarterback gesticulated toward the Jets' sidelines, seemingly taunting them. Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie said that Brady "can't throw the ball" if he "beat(s) the s@#$ out of his receivers" a charge that is both accurate but, unfortunately, assault, not football. He must not have discovered such a tactic in their last meeting, as he gave up numerous chunks of yards and touchdowns. Cromartie was not hot last weekend against the Young Horses, giving up massive touchdowns to Pierre Garcon and looking, at times, quite bewildered. As a testament to his personality, note, my dear reader, that Cromartie has nine children with eight women in six different states. He also been named in five paternity suits in just the past two years, so it is entirely possible he has more kids. He famously, or infamously, failed to remember his kids' names in an episode of "Hard Knock" and, during that same time, received a $500,000 advance from the Jets to pay outstanding child support payments. As if I would doubt the Best Team In The NFL, I also needed no more reason to root against the Jets. On, ye Flying Elvii, and take that rounded orb across the plane of the End Zone!

The Haitian earthquake happened exactly one year ago today. Less than 5% of the country has been repaired, and no person escaped the event without the loss of a loved one. Over 250,000 people died when a 7.0 sized earthquake struck at 4.53 local time. Today, at that hour, the nation will observe a moment of silence for those lost and many will attend church services to honor the dead and to observe the plight of the 800,000 people still in temporary, make-shift shelters and camps. Former President Bill Clinton will be in the capital Port-au-Prince attending a church service and looking at reconstruction crews and Red Cross work around the capital. If you have a moment, think of the disaster and those affected by it.

That will have to be it for the Bohunk, as I am quite busy nursing my beloved after her car accident. Thanks for reading, everyone, and come on back tomorrow for more news and snide comments.

Our Lady Of Fatima, Obama Goes to Court, and TIME Lays Down…

It’s Thursday, and of course, the very last day of exams at the Grandest Valley State Funded University in Allendale, MI. As of this afternoon, roughly 4pm, the Bohunk will be neck-deep in Linguistic mire and strife, but, dear readers, fear not; the Bohunk has lightly studied. Now, to the column…

The Bohunk is a sensible man, but with an insatiable thirst for the unexplainable (because I very much would like to see it explained). On this note, the Bohunk presents the following event in history. Flashback to Fatima, Portugal, 1917; just a few months ago, three shepherd boys claim to have met the Virgin Mary, Our Lady of Fatima (a local saint) and Jesus, on separate occasions. First off, these guys must be pretty cool to attract all of this Holy Attention. The Virgin Mary vowed to make herself known to the people of Fatima, and said that on 13 October she would make any doubt of her existence impossible. A crowd of 30,000 to 100,000 (pure estimates by the locals) showed up in the fields outside of town. The sun was pale and thin looking that day, they claim, and suddenly, it came racing toward earth, zigging and “dancing” toward the believers. The wet clothes of the crowd (it had rained all morning) dried in a matter of seconds, the wet and muddy ground became almost powder by its dryness.

"The sun's disc did not remain immobile. This was not the sparkling of a heavenly body, for it spun round on itself in a mad whirl, when suddenly a clamor was heard from all the people. The sun, whirling, seemed to loosen itself from the firmament and advance threateningly upon the earth as if to crush us with its huge fiery weight. The sensation during those moments was terrible." — Dr. Almeida Garrett, Professor of Natural Sciences at Coimbra University

Scientists at the time and even now maintain that the phenomena was a by-product of the children urging the believers to stare into the sun for hours, causing a proven ‘sun-madness’ that can be measured and predicted by modern science. However, eye witnesses up to eleven miles away claim to have seen the event and described it almost exactly the same as those gathered in the field. An act of some divinity? A hoax? A sign of the Virgin Herself? The Bohunk is, as always, skeptical…But what do you think?

The House of Representatives has passed a repeal of the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy that prohibits gays from openly serving in the military. The measure passed by a vote of 250 to 175, essentially following partisan lines. The measure will return to the Senate where Republicans have vowed to filibuster the vote until the Senate breaks for the holidays. Staying to this “Avoid the will of the Representatives of the People Until We Can Claim to Be The Majority of the People” is the Republicans last ditch attempt to avoid the responsibility of listening to the American People, and the will of the Armed Forces. As reported in an earlier Update, 70% of the military personnel polled said they did not think having openly gay soldiers, sailors and marines would in any way negatively affect their work environment. The most outspoken politician against repealing the bill is Sen. John “Lost And Is Now Pissy” McCain, who even went as far as to ignore the recent polls that showed military support. He then proposed asking the troops what they thought, forgetting that the poll had just been taken and released. Senility aside, it is time to pass the repeal….The Bohunk is tired of rewriting this piece every other week for the past 17 years or so…Kinda…

The Obama (Yo Mama) Administration has officially filed a lawsuit against BP and four other companies for its violation of the Clean Water Act. As you may recall, BP’s rig in the Gulf of Mexico exploded, dumping roughly 4.9 million barrels, and the US government is seeking anywhere from $1,300 to $4,300 per barrel from BP and the other companies. The Justice Department stated that the government is suing for this amount of money solely for the clean-up effort, because the damages of the spill, to environment, business, exportation, and tourism, will not be fully known for years to come.

Obama hopes the lawsuit against BP will be a slam dunk. Obama is pictured
here in high school, seated, front, middle, center…(If you couldn’t pick him out)

On a short follow-up from a previous piece, the Bohunk is happy to report that Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul, is back in her Detroit home after recovering from an invasive surgery to fight her growing pancreatic cancer. Doctors quickly dubbed the procedure as “highly successful” and are optimistic that Franklin will outlast the typically dismal survival rate for pancreatic cancer patients. Franklin is at home with friends and family, and even hopes to see the great Sam Cooke perform over the holidays. She will also attend a showing of “Dream Girls” at the Fox Theatre in one of its last showings before the historic building closes.

The Happy Meal offered by McDonald’s is again drawing criticism. The plaintiffs in a lawsuit against the Golden Arches claim that the fast food giant offers only fatty choices and specifically targets children by offering them toys, causing them to make poor dietary choices. From afar, I can hear Wes say, “No shit, sir.” A company that uses a clown and cartoon characters is quite obviously attracting children, just like any pedophile would (bringing us again to the timeless question, who used clowns first, the pedophile or the fast food giant?) in order to entice unsuspecting kids. It is the parents of these children, however, who open their wallets and shove greasy food down the throats of kids (avoiding the pedophile imagery now) that should be blamed, not the third graders. Fast food targeting children, in a health capacity, little different than tobacco companies using cartoons to achieve the same result.

Ronald likes them young and curious…and greasy….

Yesterday, the Bohunk noted that TIME named Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg Person of the Year. It has recently come to light, however, that in the true tally, Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, won the most votes, but TIME decided to select Zuckerberg to avoid controversy. And in this view, TIME obviously avoids a lot of criticism, especially from the US government and international diplomats who were ‘outed’, if you will, by the leaked cables over the past month. However, any respect and professionalism must be swept away by this move. It is the journalistic duty of organizations like TIME to create controversy, reward news-worthy efforts and freedom of information. To back down in the face of any pressure in naming what is simply an award is cowardly and embarrassing to the publication.

Come on back tomorrow for the naming of an even more prestigious award, the Flying Bohunk Politician of the Year, in addition to Foxy Fridays and my last Update written in the frozen hellscape of Allendale for three glorious weeks. There is still time to nominate the politcian you think was the most influential, for good or evil, this past year.

Again, apologies for the late post…The Bohunk needs a new computer for the holidays…That is an unabashed hint, Santa…

Thanks for reading, enjoy Thursday Night TV on NBC, starting with Community at 8. Come on back real soon, tomorrow, if possible….

Sleep and Obesity, Rich Ginger, and Narnia…

Whew! With any luck, and a bit of bed rest, you’ve had time to recover from the excitement that was the ceremonial naming of Sportsperson of the Year…Relax, this time, nothing as colossal as that happens. But read anyway…

Time recently named Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg “Person of the Year” and received a lot more attention than the Bohunk with such an award. Zuckerberg created the largest social networking medium in the history of the world. Nearly 500 million people around the globe log in to update their status and stalk each other’s pictures, all on the most complex and integrated network on the face of the earth. Facebookers represent one-twelfth of the world population, and though one may not recognize it, Facebook is a world phenomena. If Facebook’s users were a country, it would be the third largest in the world, only behind China and India. And though users may not realize it, but 70% of Facebook users live outside the US. Zuckerberg definitely reaped the benefits of his network’s popularity; his estimated net worth is around $6.9 Billion (that’s a B, you’ll be sure to note) at the ripe old age of 26. Not bad for a guy with red hair and partial color blindness (he can see blue the best, which is why it’s Facebook’s dominant color) and a Harvard drop-out. Congrats on being named Person of the Year, Mark….Perhaps one day you’ll earn the more prestigious award of the same name given by the Bohunk….Don’t lose sleep waiting for it, either….

Creepy soulless ginger Mark Zuckerberg…

Techies who claim to know such things have stuck the proverbial fork in Microsoft for being almost completely absent in the tablet market. While Apple has hit it big with its iPad, and mobile phone manufacturers like Samsung have introduced their own tablets, none run using Microsoft operating systems and many have adopted the Android OS because Microsoft has no viable contribution to the emerging market. Intel is also lacking a platform for a tablet, though many claim that Microsoft’s failure is more alarming because the company had always been well ahead of the competition in anticipating market trends. With new tablets soon to emerge, including efforts by Google, Samsung, and a new iPad 2 by Apple, many manufacturers are making a second model before Microsoft has even made one platform. Some have claimed it will the end of Microsoft; the Bohunk says, “No, sir, not quite so very fast.” Microsoft is too smart and too big to go quietly. Tablets are still a relatively TINY market compared to notebooks, laptops and even desktops, and Microsoft still dominates in those areas.

Would you like to be a more attractive person? Two separate studies have contributed some obvious but reaffirming information. Young adults, ages 19-30, who are active and at a healthy weight level can avoid gaining the average weight gain of their mid to late 30’s by staying active and staying below obesity rates. The study showed that people who were obese as a young adult became morbidly obese in their thirties, while those at a healthy BMI (Body Mass Index) only gained negligible weight even into their forties. The study suggests that as little as 4% of obese people at the age of 25 will ever return to a healthy weight over the course of the rest of their life. In the second study, researchers found that people who get at least 8 hours of sleep and do so at regular intervals (go to bed and wake at roughly the same time) have a remarkably better look. The study followed young adults and also parents to monitor the effect their sleeping habits had on their appearance and personality. People who stayed up past 11 o’clock and slept in past 10 am were irritable, grouchy and looked like Hell, (trust me, those pictures were alarming) while those who slept regular hours, usually 10 pm to 8 am, looked better and had a more positive outlook. One researcher claimed regular sleeping patterns might even make a person age much more slowly. So the next time you pull an all-nighter, think, perhaps, of the future and GO TO BED!

Sofia Vergara: She must sleep constantly. Congrats on the Golden Globes
nomination, Fox.

A suicide bomber killed 39 worshippers in Iran yesterday at a mourning ceremony outside a mosque in southeastern Iran. The Iranian government quickly announced that it believes the US is responsible for the attack, citing the use of advanced techonolgy and intelligence. The mourning ceremony was in honor of the death of Imam Hussein, supposedly the descendent of the Muslim prophet Muhammad who lived in the 7th century. Most of the worshippers were Shiite, and no claims for responsibility for the attack have been heard, though many suspect that the large Sunni population in the area could also be suspected. The US government, at the time of my hitting “Publish” on this baby, had made no comment to confirm or deny their involvement in the incident.

For a quick review of the recently Bohunk-ed Candide by Voltaire, I offer this book as the best read ever in a span of 137 pages. The story of a young man, Candide, who by trial and strife is forced from his home and to cross the globe in search of his love. His teacher, the philosopher Pangloss, tells him that his home of Westphalia is “the best of all possible worlds.” Candide and Pangloss live by the mantra of “everything is for the best” though they are hanged, kicked from their country, whipped, flogged, abandoned, robbed, burned and beaten. Voltaire repeatedly mentions some of his own sneering critics in the book, labeling them liars and thieves. The adventures of Candide are hilarious and cruel and equally so. It is an absurdist work, and contrary to what many claim, it is not an examination of the origin of evil or the immorality of mankind. Instead, Voltaire looks at how the individual reacts to injustice; each character or member of Candide’s band has fair claim to being the most mistreated by the world, but Candide and Pangloss seem to bear all with a positive heart and learn to live life for the very admirable reason of living. You can get it at Barnes and Noble here.

 
Jesus, shoot, I mean Aslan, the most easily identifiable Christ allegory. 

The new Chronicles of Narnia flick is in theaters and is atop the Box Office earnings list. The Bohunk is quite interested in how many of the books will actually be made into the film. For those who have not finished all of the books, the series ends SPOILER ALERT DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE INTENTION OF READING THE BOOKS with all the children dying while battling an army of what C.S. Lewis allegorically represented extremists Islamic soldiers. Way back in the day, Lewis already was quite sure that Muslims would begin to start trouble in the new millennium. The dead kids are then brought to what Lewis presents as Heaven, which is a version of Narnia ruled over by Jesus, I mean Aslan. The king of the Muslims is also there, however, and Jesus, dang it, sorry, I mean Aslan, says that the Supreme Being doesn’t care what religion you follow as long as you have a true and noble heart. Can the American public accept this type of ending? They would never accept a Muslim in “Heaven” (ruled, again, by a talking lion) let alone all the hero children being slain in a violent but bloodless (look at their swords in the last two movies; no blood, even when they stab an enemy combatant) battle scene.

In the on-going case of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Beef case, WADA officials have leveled quite frankly that the minute amount of clenbuterol found in Contador’s positive test July 21st is enough to be banned and punished for. Any amount of the drug found is reason enough to suspend Contador, the two-or-three time champ of the Tour de France. Contador’s blood revealed just 50 picograms (that is less than ‘trace’ amounts in other blood tests) that would probably not been found in most laboratories in the world. That would be written numerically as 0.00000000050 grams. The WADA spokesperson charged with dealing with the Spanish Sports Agency in charge ruling on Contador’s case was quoted as saying, “Just because it’s small doesn’t mean it’s not doping.” Many experts believe Contador mistakenly used transfused blood that was contaminated during the Tour de Swiss. Plasticizers found in the blood sample also serve to confirm this suspicion. The Bohunk’s take: Congrats on your default 2010 win, Andy Schleck, and you won’t be race El Pistolero in the next two years….

Thanks for reading everyone, and sorry for the late post. Some serious technical difficulties. Enjoy Modern Family on ABC tonight!

Exorcism, Four Loko Fallout and No Tainted Spanish Meat….

Usually, the sentence “I don’t want to insult religion” is followed by a derogatory and inflammatory comment that insults religion. I’ll skip that (but see how I didn’t really skip that?). A recent article in THE New York Times (I have been told the capitalize the ‘T’, so I’m going to take that a step further) stated that, for Catholics, interest in the practice in of exorcism has risen. While only a few priests in the US are trained (or, more accurately, '”trained”) in the exorcism arts, they are being overwhelmed by calls and pleas from believers who think they are being possessed by the Devil. Exorcism is as old as the Christian religion itself; it is cited as one of the proofs of Jesus’ divinity, with stories of the Son of Man casting out demons from those stricken with disease or madness. Exorcism is even present in the guiding text of the Catholic faith (no, not the Bible, silly) the catechism, so to say it is an integral part of the Catholic religion is no exaggeration. In fact, the Bohunk believes the Vatican, mired in rumor and guilt over its sexual abuse cases, might even be stressing this aspect of the religion to show how it differs from more secular institutions, the point of it stating, “We are don’t mess with little boys, we deal with angels and demons.” One supposes that it matters not what one thinks; only what one fears. Faith is a powerful force against reason. This emphasis on exorcism is really unsurprising when you consider that 57% of grown US citizens believe in ghosts. Also not hard to see why we know have a Republican House of Reps….

“Be gone, ye tool of Satan…Seriously, Ted Nugent, leave”

If the power of Christ didn’t compel you thus far, this should: Experts in Afghanistan warn that the planned withdrawal of NATO troops in 2014 could result in '”eye-watering” violence. Architects of the proposed plan admit that the transition could be messy, and that pockets of “residual insurgency” (the REALLY pissed off folks) could continue for many years after foreign armies punch their ticket home. Just as the violence in Iraq has not abated with a lessened US presence, so will the Afghan turmoil persist long after we “Bring Our Boys Home”.

In base ball, (I tend to use its original spelling) the NL Cy Young went to Roy “Doc” Halladay. The Phillies ace won the award unanimously after a stellar season in which he tossed both a perfect game and a no-hitter. And that just may be the last baseball mention until next August….

In the ongoing Case of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Meat, authorities have found not even a little shred of evidence to support El Pistolero’s story that his positive test in the Tour de France was a result of ingesting tainted Spanish meat. WADA (World Anti-Doping Agency) tested and probed into the Spanish meat industry to find any cases of contamination from the drug clenbuterol, the drug Contador was found to have in his system during the last rest day of this past Tour de France. Alberto also was found to have trace levels of plasticizers in his blood, which could and, now almost certainly, indicate illegal blood transfusions. If convicted of treachery, and doping, Contador would serve a two year ban and be stripped of his TdF title, becoming the second to sully the name of cycling’s biggest prize after American Floyd Landis’ positive test in 2006.

Say it ain’t so, Alberto. And also, say you’ll give my your wheels…

On this very date in 1869, well, you already know what happened…No? Really? Not off the top of your head? The Suez Canal opened! That is all.

As evidence that the World Is Going To Hell Via A Hand-basket, I submit the following article. A Connecticut man convicted of manslaughter is suing the aggrieved parents of the 14 year old boy he struck and killed while cruising along at over 80 mph in a 45 mph zone. The Bohunk puts forth the following solution; put the bastard on a ten speed and, should he be able to evade the child’s parents armed with a car speeding at 80 mph on the open road, let him walk. However, in no case should his argument be heard in court.

After Michigan and other states passed bans of the popular caffeine and alcohol drink Four Loko, its manufacturers have announced plans to remove the caffeine, citing its commitment to “leaving in the good shit” to make the drink legal. Phusion Projects, Four Lokos’ owner, made the move after being handicapped by, you know, “regulations”. As covered in a previous Update (weeks before Grand Valley State’s newspaper, The Lanthorn, wrote about it) the drink combines a stimulant and depressant, which makes the consumer of the drinnk less aware of their intoxication. One side effect is that drunks are more willing to drive, though they are equally impaired as a person who drank scotch, whiskey or any other source of a-a-a-a-alcohol. Were you one of the sorority girls pissed by the pending ban? Watch this video, and learn a lesson. 

Thanks for reading, enjoy Modern Family tonight at 9 eastern on ABC. Two more days till the weekend, continue to work for it.

NFL Hypocrisy, Snooki (again?), and "Free Bird"....

Remember when the NFL vowed to crack down on helmet-to-helmet hits, promising flags, fines and suspensions? That it would work to end the culture of malicious, cruel victimization of unprotected wide receivers and running backs exposed in the process of making a catch? Well, that began and ended yesterday. Seems like forever ago, as analysts and league officials are already backing down. Talking heads on ESPN, for example, now say that the regulations take away from the game and make "big hits illegal". No, these regulations, which had always been in place but rarely enforced, make head-hunting a point of examination by officials. These are not new rules; these are rules that, supposedly, will now actually be followed. ESPNers are already saying these make the game "softer"... please go tell that to your teammates who spent much of Sunday twitching on the field and being carted off to the hospital. This culture of violence and misplaced machoism is hurting not the owners or officials but the PLAYERS who are getting injured and suffered major neurological damage.

In technology, scientists have found a way to end Lou Holtz's incessant slurring of words and pointless stammering...Not really....

However, Steve Jobs has declared the Nerdiest War Ever on Google, saying the search engine giant is "disingenuous" and puts volume in front of customer service and quality. Jobs vowed, hand on the Service Agreement from iTunes, to continue to beat Google (haha, saying Google a lot is fun, how can you hate this company?) in smart phones and tablets, which Google has slowly creeped into selling via the Google Nexus One and an unreleased tablet. Why does this matter? Cause they will fight, and we, the consumer, will reap the benefits! This will make products better and prices lower for all! Exclamation point! Now, if we apply this theory to Megan Fox and Angelina Jolie, neither would wear clothes and would continue to jump on wet trampolines until the other admitted defeat. That should be a movie...

On this day in 1977, three members of the Southern rock group Lynard Skynard were killed in a plane crash. Strike up "Free Bird" today in their honor, just stop screaming for bands to play it at EVERY live concert you've been to (I'm looking at you, everyone in Grawn).

The Tour de France route has been announced, and it's a climbers Tour to win. It features only ten flat stages, which, I would contest, is roughly ten too many. Make those chaps climb every day! This isn't likely, but it's the most entertaining. The French riders would have none of it, riding off in the opposite direction the moment Jens Voight headed towrd Paris. Get it? Cause the French run from the Germans? It's a common theme...Expect the Schlecks' "We Swear We Have A Team Made, Honest!" squad tto dominate the last two weeks, with numerous Alpine stage and no Alberto Contador in the race. The 2 or 3 time Tour champ is still awaiting a ruling in his doping case from a positive test July 24th. It seems as though he will be suspended at least one year, and Contador has hinted he may retire if he receives any ban. If you can't take your punishment, dont't eat the tainted Spanish meat, Al.

Word has it the number one custom for Halloween is "Snooki", followed by Dora the Explorer for kids... Which supports my claim that Snooki is, in fact, a cartoon, which would explain the orange coloring...


Thanks, enjoy "Modern Family" tonight on ABC, I'm going to go buy photos of the illegal hit on Josh Cribbs that the NFL, who fined James Harrison for the hit, is selling on their website. Go HYPOCRISY!