Rep. Giffords, the Pope’s Pockets, and the Martyrs Lose…

It’s Monday, and for some, the return to higher education, including Yours Truly. Stave off that knowledge that costs you thousands and indulge in some information that cost you nothing…For now.

First, the Bohunk must belatedly cover the tragic shooting in Tuscon. On Saturday, a 22 year old college dropout named Jared Lee Loughner opened fire that wounded 20 people, six of whom would succumb to their injuries at a nearby hospital. The target of the attack was Representative Gabrielle Giffords, a Democratic Congresswomen. Coverage of the shooting was almost instantaneous, with local media already filming when the man walked up and began firing at Rep. Giffords, hitting her in the head and back and point-blank range. Initially reports stated that the bullet went through Giffords’ skull and exited at a high point on her face. Six other victims died later from injuries received while Loughner sprayed bullets wildly. One victim was a nine-year-old boy. Evidence from a search of Loughner’s home included a letter that pointed to an long-planned attack, with Loughner purchasing a semi-automatic Glock on November 30th. Documents found at the site include a letter from the Representative thanking Loughner for his attendance at a 2007 event that Giffords at attended. Loughner also killed US District Judge John M. Roll and Congressional Aide Gabriel Zimmerman. The Bohunk believes in justice, but in the case of Loughner, he may not deserve it. More on this as things unfold….

You have to be Sudanese to vote, but feel free to have a sugar cookie for showing up.

In historic news for Democracy (which is 2-0 after defeating Monarchist and Communists in the 20th century) as Southern Sudanese vote on a measure that would allow for a massive geographic of the country to survive as an independent nation. Thousands of people flooded polling stations before they had even opening, with sights of joy and ‘national’ pride making the mood light and jolly, things the West rarely sees on the beleaguered African continent. Three quarters of the voters cannot read; the choices, secession or unity, were represented by a single and or two hand clasped together, respectively. After decades of civil war, starvation, oppression and pointed displacement, the African south of Sudan sees separation as an escape of Biblical proportions. The Sudanese government, thoroughly Arab and terribly racist, has burned down villages, killed civilians without consequence and even kidnapped thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of African Sudanese and sold them into slavery in the northern portion of the country. Sudan gained its independence in 1956, but the urge to secede from the north already had roots in the south. If the measure passes, South Sudan will be one of the poorest nations in the world. However, the difficult parts of the split, including dividing revenues from the nation’s oil fields and negotiating the ownership of disputed territories could take months or years. If it means an end to generational genocide and civil war, then all the work is obviously worth it. (Don’t worry, George Clooney and Jimmy Carter are both in the country to help monitor; there’s no way that pair fails)

Pssst…The Seattle Seahawks beat the Saints. Holy crap, you say? Yes, quite; the Martyrs did nothing that resembles their squad that won the Large Dish last season. They ran inconsistently, passed short and dinky-like, and they couldn’t hit the onside kick. The Bohunk admits, I picked the Saints to win, but after seeing them come up short on 4th and 1 relatively early in the first half, doubt crept in like a sinful nun. Pete “Cheerleader” Carroll , who high tailed it out of USC just in time to avoid sanctions and the Reggie Bush scandal (they hugged after the game) led the aged Matt “Laying on My” Hasselback back to the future, looking like the Super Bowl squad that got beat by the Steelers fifteen years ago (seems like a long time, anyway). In the AFC, Peyton Manning drove 80 yards in under 2 minutes to allow Adam Vinateri to kick the game-winner. Unfortunately, Peyton started the drive with almost 3 and a half minutes, giving Mark “Fratboy” Sanchez a minute to counter. Antonio Cromartie, struggling against Pierre Garcon all day, redeemed himself by returning the kick-off to midfield with just under 60 seconds to go. The Colts kicked it deep with under a minute of game clock left….Kick it on the ground! Squib! Squib! And I don’t mean a non-magical member of the wizard community, a la Harry Potter. Knock it twenty yards on a nice slow roll to a fat tackle or linebacker who will be literally defecating in his pantaloons at the prospect of fielding the pigskin. As the ball sailed high, the Bohunk declared to the room, “I’d have squibbed it; I’m a squibber.” Cromartie made the fifty, and Sanchez dinked and dunked into field goal range. Enjoy the cold, ugly winter in America’s Asshole, Indiana. (Sorry Indianians, or whatever you’re called. Hoosiers, maybe?)

Look, Ma, one hand! One game! And we’re out!

And on the second day, the Football Gods gave us the Chefs and the Nevermores. Baltimore’s Flacco, a 1/4 back, played well but unspectacularly (remember Trent Dilfer? No? Same plan; just don’t let the quarterback lose it) to guide the BlackBirds past the Chefs. The Chief’s running back, Lamont Charles, who averaged over six yards per carry  all season, ran for 87 yards in the first half on just seven carries. It was not enough, and the Chefs are out. The Packers beat the Eagles, and are hoping to be the first six seed to win the Super Bowl from the NFC, ever. Sports Illustrated called it, and the Bohunk has them beating the Falcons next week, and then beating Da Bears to get tickets to Dallas. In the AFC, you should know exactly who the Bohunk has winning if you read occasionally. The Best Team In The NFL (that’s the Patriots, wise-ass) will represent the AFC, after schellacking the Jets and then, I predict, the Steelers. Write that down. I’m willing to put tens of dollars on it….

Party like a Rock (that the Church is built on), Party like a Rock, Party like a Rock Star…

In Pope news, Benedict XVI says atheists are the cause for global warming and the generally crappy outlook for the environment. The Pontiff said that,

“If the human creature's relationship with the Creator weakens, matter is reduced to egoistic possession, man becomes the ‘final authority,’ and the objective of existence is reduced to a feverish race to possess the most possible.”

So, if man doesn’t believe in God, politicians and corporations are going to capitalize on the material resources of the earth for economic gain and run amok. Thank God that hasn’t happened yet, my goodness! The Bohunk would like to thank the Vatican for collecting as much money as they can, so businesses and godless corporations like Chase, General Motors, General Electric, and TWA get it all. Oh, what’s that Your Holiest? You own millions of shares in those US companies? And the dioceses of the US alone are worth over $500 million? You are way ahead in this wealth/resource gathering than I thought! The Top Banana in the Tree Upstairs must have tipped you off.

Thanks for reading, more hard-hitting news and heretical statements tomorrow! Enjoy Monda~ Oh crap, there’s no football on….(Just kidding, Go Ducks!)

5 Dumb Things Americans Believe, Tweeting Tiger and Palin…

Haven’t read Sarah Palin’s new book, “America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag” yet, have you? Well, good. But there are some enlightening words from the former Alaskan governor, but not on topics of any real importance. The new book, which will not be officially released until next week, had several pages leaked to the blog Palingates just yesterday. These pages heavily criticized Levi Johnston, father of Palin’s new grandson son, the horribly named Tripp. After Palin was selected to run with Sen. John McCain in 2008, Johnston toured the country, sharply criticizing and poking fun at the Palins. You know, just like everyone else in America. (I do not see any mention of Tina Fey, to note) Palin also made fun of Fox’s “American Idol”, calling its contestants “talent deprived” and said they suffered from “the cult of self-esteem”….though her very own daughter, Bristol, was recently featured on ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars”. The younger Palin is consistently on the bottom of the leaderboard, and was invited to the show because of her mother’s celebrity. Perhaps, and this is just a thought, Sarah Palin should be more careful when bandying about the term “talentless".”

If you have a Twitter, as the Bohunk does, you must have noticed Tiger Woods yesterday. Within six hours, the golfing superstar (and adulterer, too) had over 150,000 followers, or, to put it in perspective, 149,960 more followers than the Bohunk has. It is all a part of a campaign to repair Tiger’s image (and probably pick up skanky stripper-chicks) as the one-year anniversary of his Thanksgiving evening car accident that destroyed both his Cadillac and his marriage nears. Woods recently contributed a piece to the struggling periodical Newsweek and is slated to join Mike and Mike on ESPN Radio today as well. The real surprise behind all of this is the reaction of the American public; we love the guy. While he shall never regain Gentlemen status on the Update again, overall, most people have moved past the infidelity and overall creepiness of his affairs. Just goes to show, celebrity gets you everywhere.

That’s Elin, the wife he cheated on. What an idiot.

To contribute to the once-a-fort-night-coverage of the NBA, the Lakers visited the Palace of Auburn Hills to play the Detroit Pistons last evening. The struggling Pistions, who have floundered since dealing away Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton and the players that made them a perennial championship threat, now are simply embarrassing. In the stands last night, there were easily as many gold-and-purple jerseys for the Lakers than red-and-blue for the home team Pistons. In fact, late in the game, the HOME FANS began chanting “M-V-P, M-V-P” as Kobe Bryant took some free throws. First off; not very creative. Secondly, when your fans start cheering for the other squad, something is very wrong. The finger points to Pistons coach John Kuester, who called the chanting, “disappointing.” Players on the bench ignore Kuester openly, not looking at him while he talks and, at times, walking out of the huddle while he draws up plays. It’s time to cut him loose…But unload some players, as well. The culture on the team is spoilt like a carelessly uncorked Pinot Gris. 

Americans believe in some pretty dumb things. For example, the Update yesterday noted that 57% of Americans believe in ghosts. Some new poll results further this embarrassment.

~The majority of Americans who voted for a GOP candidate believe that President Obama has raised their taxes, when in reality, the President has lowered their taxes over the past two years. Thanks, Rush Limbaugh, for spreading this lie.

~Over half of the newly elected Congresspersons do not believe in global warming. These are affluent, well-educated and informed human ‘beans’ who do not believe in a phenomena that is scientifically confirmed. Every expert on the planet now subscribes to this fact. Yet, over half of the new Congress will think it a hoax. (Refer again, if you will, to that very telling 57% from the top of this section)

~Nearly one-fifth of Americans believe President Barack Obama is a Muslim. Get your head out of your posterior, Jethro; he isn’t, and even if he were, this is the US. We separate our church and state, or, at least we try to keep the Christian right from changing that.

~In a related number, two out of five Americans think teachers should be able to lead prayers in classrooms, in spite of the aforementioned separation of church and state. They have no problem letting Billy pray to their own god in school, but what if they prayed to a Muslim or Jewish god? Oh, then they pissed.

~Perhaps the most damning indictment of the Fall of American Power is that, in 2002 (not 1802, but 2002)  20% of Americans believed the sun rotated around the earth.

The Copernican Heliocentric Model, from the
16th century…Just in case you were in that 20%.

The Westboro Baptist Church, now infamous around the nation for travelling to areas and spouting their version of the gospel, will be on the grounds of East Lansing High School. The group is a strict Christian sect (people get so uncomfortable when their religion is called a sect) that has vocally advocated a burning hatred for gays, blacks, Mexicans, professional women and, in their own words here, “unnecessary equality”. Because apparently at some point equality is just too much. The church followers will protest gays and blacks in East Lansing; the group drove an hour and a half to protest other people in a different town. This is a group that thrives on hate; as The Lansing State Journal says, “Hate is their religion.” The Evil Bastards protesting in East Lansing today are a part of the same group that have gained notoriety by protesting at the funerals of slain servicemen and women. Here’s a good article on a town that fought back. 

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed it. Tune into the Best Evening of Television Around, NBC starting at 8. Have a great Thursday, and check out Foxy Friday tomorrow morning.

The Beatles, A Lobbyist, Todd Wells and a Curious Chaser….

While watching the Egg Salad vs. Native American game on Monday Night, I took my eyes, carelessly, from the screen for 5 minutes and 34 seconds. When these eyes returned, the Egg Salads were winning by 14 points (2 TDs) and were frolicking into the red zone a la Jerome Harrison just moments later. At that point, I said “Game Over” because I tend to like make such predictions when a team is up by 3 TDs. It’s safer that way. Mike Vick, who commentator Ron Jaworski called, (and I’m serious) “dazzling”, does look pretty darn good, especially juxtaposed with Donovan McNabb, he is godawful- what? The ‘Skins just gave him $78 million over 5 years? Seriously? I’d take the guy who was in prison a few years ago…

As a huge Beatles fan, I am happy and relieved to say that Apple will now carry the full catalog of The Greatest Band In The History Of Man, possible as soon as you read this post. The Beatles have consistently been slow to move to new media; they didn’t have any of their albums available on CD until 1987, almost 6 years after the CD became the more popular format. Almost 39 years after the Beatles broke up (Damn you, Yoko) they still were the third best selling group in the US last year, selling 3.3 million copies of various albums and collections. Some other bands, such as AC/DC, Kid Rock and the great Bob Seger have yet to allow Apple have access to their work for sale on iTunes.

The Bohunk has had a Beatles sticker on my car since I was 17.

Bohunk Hall of Famer and “hardass” (my words) Todd Wells is a two time US champ in addition to being a very cool, down-to-earth guy. For these reasons and more, I am hesitant to post this next clip. At the U.S. Grand Prix of Cyclocross in Fort Collins, Colorado, Hot Todd took a tough spill bunny-hopping a barrier. For those not familiar with the sport, most mortals (like this guy ‘me’) can barely human-hop over barriers; only the pros can pull off this move consistently. This was the only race in Todd’s career that he did not finish, and the Bohunk wishes that it remains just that.

Hot Todd Wells’ Bunny Hop: Heal up, Todd. The world needs savin’…

In Michigan politics, Rick “The Nerd” Snyder is changing the way Lansing does business. The former Gateway boss (before the jobs went to China) is doing away with allowing lobbyists to linger around the capital, influencing and essentially buying bills and laws in the State. No, he is appointing them to his staff. This gets cuts down on interference, gives them easier access to state and gubernatorial assets and ensures their invitation to the parties and barbeques. Snyder appointed long-time lobbyist Dennis “I’ll buy Lansing” Muchmore (that really is his last name) as chief of staff yesterday. Muchmore hasn’t worked in a public office since being a Macomb county staffer in the 1970’s. Welcome to Lansing, Mr. Lobbyist!

There is nothing more magical than birth, especially when no one has seen it happen before. Beginning in 1979, astronomers found evidence of a massive explosion of a start believed to be 50 times the mass of our sun. The star, which is 50 million light years away, is thought to have gone super nova and begun to form a black hole-the strange, collapsing celestial entity and an infinite density. Never before have scientists been able to date the beginning of such a process and watch as the black hole develops, ages and, in a few million years, wither away. It is a huge step in understanding how rapidly the universe changes. As I might have said before; we don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

On a rare personal note, I would like to contribute a strange event, witnessed live by the Bohunk just yesterday. While riding my bike, I was passed by the unlikely of creatures. I was making my way (at 15-17 mph, mind you) up a gradual hill just off of Wilson Ave. near Grand Rapids. I saw to my right a large, spacious and immaculately green lawn, perfectly manicured and almost plaited, so picturesque was this landscape. I noted an Invisible Fence flag in the corner of the yard, but seeing no dog, was unconcerned. Out of nowhere, a cat (yes, it’s a cat story) came flying out of nowhere, chasing me along the Invisible Fence. I am not an animal expert, but I did not think a cat was capable of running 15 mph, and it also gave my eye brows a good raisin’ to be chased by a feline. It stopped, the magnificent orange tabby-bastard, just at the flag, so it had obviously done some probing. Anyway, the Bohunk would just like you to be aware of this threat to cyclists.

Thanks for reading, don’t worry, no cats stories next time, and the Bohunk apologizes for it. Enjoy anything but Glee, and read the Update tomorrow.

Queen James, Tornado Warning, and (More!) Tainted Spanish Meat...

The Cowboys lost. Again. While it ruins my chances at Monday Night Pick'em for the rest of the season, it ends all hope for the 'Pokes; no playoffs, no winning season, no new starlet girlfriend for Romo as his broken collarbone heals in the coming weeks. Romo will be replaced by Jon Kitna, the one time savior of the Lions over a span of roughly 6 games before plummeting to lose the rest of the games that season. Hopefully, he does the same for Dallas.

In weather, a topic rarely breached in the Update, there is a tornado warning effective until Tuesday in Michigan, from Kalamazoo to Mecosta County. As I pedaled into a 20 mph wind yesterday and woke to a 30 mph wind this morning, I wondered what, in deed, was going on. It' 67 degrees in Michigan in October. If you don't believe in climate shift, go suck an egg. That is all...

The NBA opens tomorrow night with Queen James and his Heat taking on the Celtics. After all the hype and annoying sports talk jabber, actual basketball sounds mildly interesting. I watch the play-offs; the regular season seems a bit redundant. James goes into Boston with a new team, a new ad campaign and a new shoe deal in the works with Nike. Expect a round of the glorious boo-birds ringing in his ears as he takes the court. He is a coward for leaving the Cavs, but basketball fans must know; you are forgotten if you don't win rings. They also remember how you got them, LeBron.

In the Case of Contador and the Tainted Spanish Meat (sounds like a book series) the 2 or 3 time Tour de France champion's home town of Pinto, Spain, gathered to create a 3 km human chain in support of the beleagured champion. Really, they were just trying to shield him as he began another drug transfusion behind them. Earlier in the month, the mayor of the small town hung a yellow banner from town hall as a show of support for the rider, who has disappeared since denying use late last month. No decision has been made in his case.

In other cycling news, Contador's one time teammate and one time rival Lance Armstrong announced he will end his international cycling career at the Tour Down Under in January. The Australian stage race was Armstrong's first during his comeback from retirement two years ago thie spring. Armstrong, like Contador, is under investigaton of doping charges and a litany of other offenses. (One day,there will be a story without doping charges, I promise) All this Federal money to investigate a man who pedaled faster than other men in tightly fitting clothing around France. There are homeless people who could use a roof over their heads; let the UCI deal with Lance.

And now, the first ever Poll by the Update; Who is in the World Series? Originally, I had hoped for readers to choose a winner, but it sounds like no one knows who is playing. Leave a comment with the teams and, if you know that, who will win. Hint: It's not the Cubs.

That's all we have time for this morning. Thanks for the read and tell your friends. It will get better before it gets worse; I'm planning to write some reall crappy stuff later in the week. Enjoy "Community" on NBC tonight!