Super Bowl Recap: They Were Who We Thought They Could Be

You saw it, the Bohunk assumes, with your own eyes; the Green Bowl Packers are the Super Bowl Champions, just as predicted using the Cheer-Babeless Formula as broken down by the Bohunk all last week. No Cheer-Babes, no problem. The CheeseCraniums won 31-25 in one of the best Super Bowls in modern history. Scoring, big hits, turnovers, chess-match-like head games by Thieves coach Mike Tomlin (not Omar Epps) and Packers top banana Mike McCarthy. The game had it all, except, sadly, Cheer-Babes. You’ve no doubt heard the game analyzed every possible which way by every possible Talking Head since Sunday night; “Big Rapist” Ben didn’t show up, Aaron Rodgers removed the Brett Favre curse from his own legacy, the Packers overcame injuries (Chuck Woodson, Donald “DUCK!” Driver and the shortly missing Sam Shields) to win. All of these things were important. But the biggest surprise for the Bohunk was this. The biggest cheap shot artist in the league, in the biggest game in the world, against the best team he has faced, left the game without any real mention, and no personal fouls. James Harrison, the most fined player in the NFL, was non-existent against the Packers. The Bohunk put an over/under side-bet on Twitter, putting the number at 2 penalties for Mr. Harrison. The Bohunk should have put it at 2 for tackles. Harrison had one tackle and one sack. That’s it. The Talking Heads have been blasting Polamalu all week (and by that I mean mostly Monday) for disappearing; he, at least, had three tackles.

Torch Passed. Via text message.

The Bohunk game ball goes to a favorite Packer of mine, Donald Driver. The guy has been in Green Bay since 1999, just a few years after Favre took the Pack to its first title since the  Lombardi Era. Driver has been a consistent receiver and a steady face in the Packer locker room. DD missed most of the Super Bowl with both knee and ankle sprains, but no one deserves that trophy more. Congrats, Pack…Now enjoy it, cause the Lions are coming for you. (Stop laughing)

Final Super Words

Tomorrow, just to remind my Dear Readers, is the Super Bowl. The Pittsburgh Steelers face the Green Bay Packers and if you have been keeping track, the Bohunks patent (pending) formula predicts the Packers 21 and Steelers 14. Some final thoughts follow, in no particular order:
-Big Rapist Ben holds the key; if he has over 250 yards passing, the Thieves may be in business.
-Clay Matthews was "only" the second best defensive player behind Polomalu. After tomorrow, many will be arguing he was robbed.
-Vince Lombardi lives on in Green Bay; the Pack is almost perfectly 50/50 pass plays to run plays in the post season.
-The Bohunk, with more than a little help from some pals, constructed the pictured Cheese/Snow sculpture. No team loses this snow sculpture support.

Enjoy the game, everyone, and may Fergie have a wardrobe malfunction to spice up the halftime show.

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Foxy Friday, Predicting the Super Bowl: Nightlife

Foxy Friday, folks, and the final Super Bowl prediction. Let's do the pick first, then savor the sweetness of Foxitude for the remainder...

Which city, Green Bay or Pittsburgh has championship quality nightlife? Well, after some research, the results will not in anyway shock you. Pittsburgh, it turns out, has more than three times as many bars as Green Bay. In fact, it has more joints classified as 'adult entertainment' as Green Bay as restaurants. So, frankly, championship caliber nightlife is a one-sided Input Factor. Almost depressingly one-sided. But, take heart Packers fans, your Green Bay side still takes the win, 21-14. Yes, the Bohunk's final Super Bowl prediction is 21-14, making the Green Bowl Packers the World Champions of tackle football. Write this down....

BJ Raji touchdown celebration vs. Bears…Great stuff

It's Foxy Friday, and today, we honor the reverberating foxitude of Alison Brie, or, as we all know her, Annie from "Community". Brie was born in Hollywood, CA and grew up in LA. She got her start in the Jewish acting community (that hotbed of acting talent),getting her first starring role as Toto in “The Wizard of Oz”. She has since gone on to “Community” fame, though has appeared on “Mad Men”, “Hannah Montana” and other series. To note, her mother was  a teacher at a community college….

Predicting the Super Bowl: Criminal Records

Which team should you be cheering for? The Bohunk is a Lions fan; stop laughing. So if they aren’t in the Super Bowl (again, stop laughing) I have  very disinterested take on the Big One. This year, my Extremely Significant Other’s allegiance to the Packers is giving me some serious sway. She has watched nearly every Pack game in 2010, so I am rather familiar with their squad and touchdown dance celebrations. But if you have no motive to root for one team or the other, might I recommend cheering for the one with the least amount of fines or criminal lawsuits pending. This is the very reason the Bohunk dislikes the Jets, to note.

The Steelers have, to their credit and discredit, James Harrison. Harrison was fined a total of $100,000 in 2010. Quarterback “Big Rapist” Ben Roethlisberger has two sexual assault cases in two years, and was suspended for the first six games of the season, though it was later reduced to four. Both of these occurred after Roethlisberger crashed a motorcycle, while not wearing a helmet, with an expired temporary license. Santonio Holmes, two years ago, was busted in the middle of the Super Bowl winning season for the Steelers, smoking marijuana and getting caught, then suspended. That was a part of his departure from the team later on. James Harrison also was charged for simple assault and criminal mischief after beating his girlfriend. Classy guy, that Harrison…

MUGSHOT!

The Packers counter with some criminal records of their own. Brandon Underwood is still technically under investigation for sexual assault last June, though a Super Bowl win would get that brushed aside, authorities assured him last week (not really). Linebacker Nick Barnett is still facing disorderly conduct charges from last year, and worked a deal with prosecutors to reduce the charges.

“Yippeee, the charges are still pending, I can play ALL YEAR!”
~Brandon Underwood, here literally jumping for joy.

So, in Input Factor #3, the Packers are the shining knights of mediocre civil behavior, while the Steelers should probably be arrested on the spot. Verdict: Packers get the points and go up 21-7. But tomorrow, they face a difficult proposition: Night Life. You can’t have a Super Bowl caliber squad without championship level night clubs…Why do you think the Steelers have won so many Super Bowls recently? It’s the discount at local strip clubs that draws free agents. Come back tomorrow for the blow by blow….

Predicting the Super Bowl: Uniforms

This Super Bowl pits together two of the most iconic and original uniforms in the NFL...and they both show it. The designs are, without a doubt, timeless. The Packers green and yellow, and the oft-imitated (or blatantly copied) "G", (I'm looking at you, Georgia!) has been unchanged in the past fifty years. The Steelers, too, have inspired some amateur football uniforms of their own. During the mid-sixties, the University of Iowa got ahold of the Pittsburg yellow and black stripe and has been using that scheme ever since. The Bohunk likes the tradition uniforms; can you imagine the Detroit Red Wings with some strange bastardized version of the Winged Wheel, or the New York Yankees with awkwardly juxtaposed "N" and"Y"? No, you can't, and neither can I. The Steelers have the fearsome scheme, black and yellow, but they have been skimping on the helmet decals; the Bohunk has just never got the logo on one side of the dome. The Packers are more liberal; the G graces left as right sides of the helmet, making theirs the easier one to place on commentators desks during pre-game and half time.

The verdict is not an easy one. Both teams have some points in their favor; it comes down, admittedly, to personal preference. The Steelers have the intimidating color scheme, but there is just something classy about the Packers green and gold. They get the points, and lead 14-7 with just two more days of formulaic input left. Tomorrow, we look at another input, one that may prove pivital; criminal charges and investigations/fines.

Super Bowl Predictions: Fan Paraphernalia

Do you know why the Bohunk hates elephants? Cause they always steal my schtick. Nobody else is making Super Bowl predictions right now, and the Bohunk was the first person to get it going just a week out from the big game. Which elephant tried to steal my thunder? Jenny the psychic elephant, a hefty female ‘phant who lives in Dallas. At the Zoo. Jenny had to choose between two watermelons, each painted either Green Bay yellow and the Steelers vaunted black. Jenny stomped the Thieves, picking the Pack to take the win.

Frankly, who listens to an elephant? Stick with the Bohunk, who, as you’ll see, relies only on the myriad factors that will ultimately result in domination. Some commentators discuss players, coaches and performance; that stuff has nothing to do with it. Without Cheer-Babes, the victory will come down to a series of criteria I have unearthed. Yesterday, the Facial Hair Input Factor (the first of five factors) gave the Steelers a 7-0 lead. Today, we focus on the fans….

The Steelers’ fans are famous for the waving of the “Terrible Towel”, a tradition that spans back into the late ‘60s and rouses the team to a fever pitch, something that Big Ben’s lawyers have tired to stop; no one needs to see Big Ben ‘roused’. The Towel has been around at every Super Bowl win for Pitt, and this time around, there is no reason to think this lucky charm will be a letdown…However….

Thieves fans root, root, root for the home squad…

Cheeseheads…Wisconsin is still in the late 80s…

It is facing perhaps the most iconic fan paraphernalia item in the history of professional sports. The Cheesehead, a Styrofoam yellow block of good ol’ Wisconson cheddar has led to many intimidators around the league and, indeed, the world of sports at large. The Packers are the symbol of Wisconsin, although almost on par with cheese. Nothing is more important to the state than the Packers, and to their plus-sized fans, nothing is more important than cheese. This round has to go to the Cheesehead and the Packers. So, with three days left, the Packers and Steelers are dead even at 7-7. Tomorrow, we look at the third factor in the Formula, we will decide who has the better uniforms; cause if you look good, you play good, but if you loo great, you win championships. 

Predicting the Super Bowl: Day One

We are coming quickly upon the Super Bowl this Sunday, and with neither team having Cheer-Babes, the Bohunk has no way of predicting a winner. Your Truly is (probably) undefeated at predicting foot ball contests by judging the tastelessness of Cheer-Babe uniforms (tasteless always wins) and their professionalism. Neither the Packers or the Steelers have Cheer-Babes, but for differing reasons. Green Bay could not convince women to grace the Frozen Tundra scantily clad, and Pittsburg couldn’t find any to be within 10 miles of Ben Roethislberger wearing little more than nothing. So, on the first day of of the week-or-so-long pitting of each team’s strengths and weaknesses as deemed by the Bohunk, I submit for your consideration, The Bohunk Large Vessel Prediction Formula (patent pending)

Input value #1: Facial Hair

Nothing says, “We Are The Champions” like a little man beard, just ask Freddie Mercury. Now that guy was a man. Sorry Cheese Craniums, this one isn’t even close. Big “Rapist” Ben Roethlisberger has been rocking the thickest, dreamiest, creepiest beard in the NFL for the better part of a month now. Each win (one per day) equates roughly to one touchdown, so as of Monday, the Super Bowl is 7-0 Thieves over Packers…

Come on back tomorrow for the second installment, Fan Paraphernalia, pitting the Packer Cheesehead against the Steeler Terrible Towel….

Jay “Cutty” Cutler and the Terrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day…

For those playa-hating on Jay “Cutty” Cutler after his exit in the third quarter of the NFC Championship, the Bohunk says, politely, cease. It is precisely this attitude of misplaced machismo-penis-waving that gets the NFL into trouble, especially in concussion issues. If there is a rule prohibiting players from re-entering the game with concussion symptoms, why should a player, at his discretion or that of the team medical staff, be allowed to return when displaying symptoms of another type of injury? Cutler is worth millions, and blowing out a knee jeopardizes his entire career. The Bohunk suffered a MCL tear some years back, battling for the Traverse City West Titans. The injury, admittedly sustained while poking fun of the our struggling offense (I attributed the poor performance due to the decided lack of Bohunk) blew my knee up to the size of a respectable mush melon in just a few minutes. Could I have ran on it? Sure, maybe for a few plays, but the pain was excruciating and the knee unstable. I managed two routes, one ending with the Bohunk stumbling after three steps and falling in the vicinity of no one.

So, should Cutler have played? No. Saying Cutler should play is no different than faulting any player for not playing while injured. Was his absence detrimental to his team? Not really. Hanie threw for forty more yards than Cutler in about 16 minutes, while Cutler had the entire first half. Really, his exit, whether by injury or not, helped his team perform. This is not making Cutty look good, but that is not the Bohunk’s goal. Now, critics say Phil Rivers of the Chargers played with a torn ACL…Good for him. Injuries suck. What a player does with it is entirely up to him, and should be.

Jay Cutty is tossed to the turf. Note: The Bohunk’s girlfriend, BoScoots, observed that Clay Matthews’ hair appeared curled. The Bohunk agrees; Google it for yourself and see.

Packers against the Steelers, Cheese versus Thieves… Take your pick and leave a comment. The Bohunk says, resoundingly, “Go, ye Pack, Go!”