Fox of the Year, Rome, Best Santas and…Merry Christmas!….

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone! If a little holiday Update does knock the baahumbug out of your system, I fear only a severe blow to the chin will do the same job. This Update is a gift that you have to unwrap with your eyes…Read on…

The undetonated bomb found yesterday outside of Rome was unfortunately not the only parcel bomb floating around the area. The bombs were sent to embassies, injuring staff members from Switzerland and Chile. Italians experts in terror (not shoe design, the typical Italian expertise) believe anarchists could have been behind the attack. The Swiss helped Italy arrest several anarchists this year, and another anarchists was killed in Chile by law enforcement officials there. These bombings are in all likelihood related to a string of very similar parcel bombs that took place in Greece, where a group of anarchists (organized anarchy!) called the Conspiracy of Fire, was finally understood to have orchestrated the violence. The Greeks have initially stated they see no connection between the two strings of bombings, but, they all are a terrible government. The Swiss man injured in the bombings in Rome has been hospitalized with serious injures to his hands.

The first recorded “sighting” of Santa Claus in these United States was in Albany, New York way, way, way back in 1675 on a bank account statement. A man purchased, for the holiday season, “St. Nicholas purchases” a cleaver way to hide what he bought from his family. However, the legend of the chubby, bearded gentleman with a garish but signature red suit comes from Turkey around 280 AD. The name “Santa Claus” wasn’t associated with the figure until the Dutch slapped him with their version as “Sinter Claus”, though he was still more popularly known around Europe as “Saint Nicholas”. In Britain, Santa was “Father Christmas”, a bearded old man most often portrayed in long green robes. Charles Dickens used this image as the basis for the “Ghost of Christmas Past” in his famous The Christmas Carol. Washington Irving, the outstanding author most well-known for The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, mentioned Santa in his History of New York in 1809. More on the development of the Chubby One later…

Great Santas in History: Cosmo Kramer.

In what is appearing now to be not-so-amatear football, five Ohio State Buckeye football participates have been suspended to five games a piece next season. Now, first, the obvious question. Why are they not suspended for the upcoming Sugar Bowl against Arkansas? As the Bohunk always says; money. (I don’t say that without some context though) The Big Ten and SEC stand to make millions in tickets sales and shared profit from the bowl game. Taking away former Heisman candidate and one of the best quarterbacks in the country, Terelle Pryor, number one rusher Noah Herron, number two receiver DeVier Posey and All Big-Ten tackle Mike Adams might make the game less attractive, and therefore, less lucrative. So, the NCAA shamelessly tacks on the penalty to next season. With almost half the season taken away, these players will probably attempt to declare for the NFL, avoid any punishment whatsoever, and make some money in the pros. Not harm done, to them at least. Second, does anyone see the obvious parallel with Cam Newton? Make him eligible all year, huge ratings, a Heisman trophy and a national championship game and tons of revenue. But when all the checks are cashed and the lights go out, they will yank it all away and make him ineligible. This will develop slowly, and, go Razorbacks, as if anyone needed any more reasons to hate Ohio State.

In honor of the season, the Pope gets another mention on the Update. Yesterday, the Pontiff joined Britain’s Radio 4 to deliver a Thought of the Day Message, a daily contribution from politicians and celebrities to meditate for the world to hear. The Pope usually stays up late to deliver a Christmas message to the world outside the Basilica in Rome, but offered an opportunity to thank Britain for his week long stay there in September. The Pope did not address any of the many, many issues plaguing the Catholic church after its worst year in memory. It faced thousands of sexual misconduct and assault charges, bringing the amount of damages paid to over a billion dollars worldwide. Pope Benedict also did not bring up the issue of Anglican bishops leaving the Church of England to join ranks in Rome, even as those bishops and officials are in the Vatican studying to become ordained priests. New equipment is now available for Vatican TV, the media organization who broadcasts papal goings-on in over 40 languages. Now, you can watch Christmas Mass from the Vatican…Or A Christmas Story on TBS about 22 times.

Great Santas in History: Pam Anderson.

It is now time, thank goodness, to present the 2010 Flying Bohunk Fox of the Year, a prestige award capable of propelling one lucky Fox to worldwide stardom and fame. The conditions to be nominated were complex; 1) Had to be a Fox 2) Had to be nominated. The votes were tallied (all four of them, plus the only one that really counts, mine) and the Bohunk has been excited for days to release the results. Your 2010 Fox of the Year, and I think all of ours’ “teenage dream” is….Katy Perry! Born in California (hence the appropriateness of the hit jam, “California Girls”, KP was raised by Christian pastors. She nabbed a GED as a freshman in high school (I was popping zits as a freshman in high school, not graduating) and moved on to pursue her music career. She has had some great hits this year, from “Teenage Dream” to “Fireworks”, and has been extremely attractive at every turn, including, it should be noted, way too foxy for Sesame Street. Elmo was overly excited. Congrats, Katy Perry, and may your Foxitude last for many years to come…

Fox of the Year, and just cool person, Katy Perry…

 
BONUS KATY PERRY PHOTOGRAPH…MERRY CHRISTMAS

In the on-going development of Santa Clause, the author Clement Clark Moore wrote “The Night Before Christmas”, though it is really titled “A Visit From Saint Nicholas”, depicting a chubby bearded man, not elf, wearing a red suit and a massive sack of presents perched on his back. It also heralded in the presence of a sleigh, reindeer and an even rounder, more jolly appearance. It took thousands of years to develop the creepy old man dressed up in bad cotton that you let your child sit on and talk to. Oh how far we’ve come.

Finally, let’s celebrate the season with a miracle. Our Solar Sytstem, in fact. The universe is an unfathomably gigantic void. It is almost entirely empty, even considering that, for example, our Sun, which is millions of time larger than Earth, is pretty small amongst its fellow stars. The universe is, frankly, too large to even comprehend. Even our solar system is beyond our reach. Pluto, now demoted down from planet status to just another celestial entity in the Kuiper Belt, is really, really far away. It is 39 AUs from the sun (AU= astronomical unit, or the distance from the Sun to the Earth) or, about 3,647,240,000 miles away. We can barely get to the moon without a hassle, and getting to Mars with a manned mission is almost impossible (cosmic rays that get through its atmosphere would tear up the very DNA of astronauts) let alone likely. But let us put this distance in perspective. As Bill Bryson pointed out in A Brief History of Nearly Everything,  if the Sun was the period of this sentence, and you wanted to draw Pluto to scale, you would have to travel 10,000 miles away. Pluto would be the size of a bacterium. Or, if the Sun was the size of the head of the smallest needle, Pluto would be a few hundred miles away, and the size of a single atom. How our solar system came to be was that of the most staggering odds. Indeed, there are billions and billions and billions of solar systems, just trillions and trillions and trillions of them. 600 sextillion stars in the universe. And we found the right galaxy, the right star, the right planet to somehow make life over hundreds of millions of years. Do not feel small; we should be proud and privileged to live, even for a second, in the face of the trillions of beings who never had a chance. We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

Have a very Merry Christmas and congrats again to Katy Perry. What a Christmas this must be for her! Enjoy your Christmas Eve and Christmas and the Bohunk Update returns Monday with some New Years resolutions…

Manning, the Pope/Condoms, and the End of Brett Favre…

Thank you, Green Bay Packers organization, for sending Brett Favre off into the last third of his last NFL season just a few games out of last place in the division. The Bohunk smelled upset, or at least a let down'; but the shellacking in Minnesota Sunday afternoon cemented the vault on the Vikings’ tomb* and Brett Favre’s career. He cried in a post game interview, waxed poetic over what-might-have-beens and finally admitted that the season was a bust. Mr. Favre, when you ask for all the attention and adulation, you get all the down side too. Thank you for 16 years of excellent Packers football, and may NFL fans and the Football Gods forgive these last three.

How bad was Favre against the Pack? Well, frustration, like an over boiled, possibly sexually frustrated and oft-intercepted pot of water, Favre blew his lid. Favre is a player above coaching while being very much in need of it. After tossing his league leading 17th interception, the Vikings offensive coordinator tried to have a word with the Aged Wonder; Favre had nothing to do with it. If this was any other player, Childress would have benched him a month ago.

The Flying Elvii, let by the Bieber-esque Tom Brady, beat the Indianapolis Lucky Charms by 3, nearly squandering a three score lead late in the fourth quarter. Led by the lesbian looking Bill Belicheck, the Pats are very quietly the best team in the NFL, a sentiment voiced by the Bohunk a month ago. Peyton Manning tossed some ugly interceptions, including one with under a minute to go with the Young Horses well within field goal range. A curious mistake in a game that was otherwise pressure-free for the Elder Oreo Eater.

Perhaps, Peyton, you should leave the licking to Eli and return to MVP
form. I will, of course, have a cookie, however.

In amateur football, Nebraska lost to Texas A&M (note the legitimate use of the ampersand there) to end all BCS hopes, the designs of which the Bohunk had been dissecting for the past two weeks. Now, the play their final post-Turkey Dinner game against Colorado, a personal favorite of mine for both of my decades alive on earth. With a win, they earn the right to play in the Big 12 Title game. With a loss, they shall slink into the Big 10 without hardware in their last season out west. (Editor’s Note: Watch your respective asses, Michigan State, Michigan and Ohio State)

TCU and Boise State won to remain undefeated while Oregon and Auburn were off for Saturday, preparing for games this Friday afternoon. Auburn plays #11 Alabama, which could be the last opponent with a legitimate shot at defeating Cam “I’m Getting Paid!” Newton and the Tigers. We can only hope…

On the college note, the Bohunk would like to thank an all-too-often-forgot tradition in collegiate foot ball…The baton girl. Yes, the baton girl, the quaint, smiling and heavily rouged youth who, bedecked in a dazzling, sparkling one-piece bathing suit, delights crowds of all ages (but mostly males ranging in age from puberty to creepily near the grace) with their, well, twirling. Thank you for your excellence, Baton Girls of America.

You, madam, are on fire.

The Pope is now closer than ever to condoms. The Holy Father said recently that the problem of “Aids cannot be solved only by the distribution of condoms alone,” but hinted that their use in limited contexts could be a vast improvement in countries where sexual transmitted disease is rampant (or, as any medical expert would tell you, everywhere). In Africa, where millions of sexual active individuals are HIV positive and millions are living with AIDS, the Vatican’s insistence that birth control is a form of sin has contributed greatly to the spread of the disease. In fact, the Pope’s committed and antiquated stance is followed by Catholics around the globe (they are the families with 6 kids) and is a contributing factor to the overpopulation of underdeveloped nations like those found in South America. Perhaps the Pope will finally expand the okay-ed use of contraceptives to include all couples. Sooner, rather than later, would be appreciated….

In the Bohunk’s ongoing interest in the country of Haiti, I regret to say that officials are now reporting that roughly 1,250 people have died of the now rampant cholera epidemic that has spread throughout the nation. A further 21,000 people have been stricken with the disease. Roughly 63 of the deaths have come in the capital, Port-au-Prince, which is now home to tens of thousands of refugees seeking shelter after a earthquake last January ruined much of the city. 230,000 people died in that earthquake. If you would like to make a donation, please follow this link to the Clinton Bush Haiti Relief Fund.

For a brave young chap looking for work in the newspaper field (perhaps, you might see, like the Bohunk) the following would be of some interest. Super, uber rich guy Rupert Murdoch, CEO of News Corp may just be in an unholy alliance with Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple. The two are rumored to be either created an online-only newspaper designed for iPad, or they are just showing each other their willys. The cyber newspaper would stream to any Apple 3G-enabled device for about $4.25 a day, cheaper than your print version and you don’t have to go outside to get it (you lazy SOB) in adverse conditions. In slightly related news, the iPad 2 is now expected to be released this coming April.

Thanks for reading, enjoy Denver vs. San Diego this evening on Monday Night Football.

* Vikings were traditionally burned on funeral pyres from the 3rd century on, though some evidence shows nobles or warriors were set out in warships meant to sink, the body surrounded with weapons and treasures piled high about them.

Foxy Friday, She-Priests, and a Harry Potter Thank-You…

The Bohunk would like to bring to your attention a huge event in the world of sports. This very Sunday afternoon, the Minnesota Brett Favres will host the Green Bay Packers, the last meeting of the aged superstar and his former squad. This is based on the assumption that he will, in fact, retire at the end of this season and then remain so forever. After tossing a league high 16 INTs and winning just three games thus far, the Bohunk does not foresee a return of the “Ol’ Gunslinger” in 2011. This will be Brett’s last chance to seek revenge on the Pack for not taking him back after unretiring the first (and really second) time. The NFL has recently met with Jenn Sterger about the potential sexual harassment issues dating back from 2008. Brett is going to be starting this Sunday, but between a potential suspension, a bad elbow, ankle and shoulder, his streak of consecutive starts is in jeopardy. This may be his last chance to stride off into the sunset, then pussy-foot around till August before finally going away for good.

It’s Friday, which means the Bohunk will select the Fox. This week’s Fox is the beautiful and talented Natalie Portman. As Padme in Star Wars I-III she stole the hearts of many a virginal nerd, and has been very successful in other roles, from V for Vendetta to Cold Mountain and Brothers. You may not know it, but Natalie is Israeli, and made her acting debut in Leon way, way back in 1994. She holds a degree in psychology from Harvard (Pip, pip) and won a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress for the film Closer (a personal favorite of Yours Truly). Now, she can list a “Fox” award to her list of credentials.

Fox Natalie Portman…

In astronomy news, scientists have discovered the first planet ever seen that originated in another galaxy. The planet is orbiting a white dwarf star that is a remnant of a mini galaxy that was devoured by the Milky Way a few million years ago. The planet is slightly larger than Jupiter. Scientists are getting all antsy and excited, because research of this planet might reveal some secrets of other-galaxy formation and a glimpse into the effects on a planet after a sun’s mass change. The earth, in a few million years, will face a sun a few dozen times larger than it currently is, possible scorching the planet or even erasing it. This new, foreign planet gives us a look at what might be left. Bohunk’s guess; not much.

The new Myspace is here…by becoming Facebook. The former social networking giant and now irrelevant, embarrassing and lingering reminder of your sophomore year in high school, has struck a deal to be linked with Facebook. Now, Myspace will be integrated almost completely with its former rival Facebook, allowing your preferences from one to be transferred to the other and vice versa. The Bohunk’s criticism is echoed by other tech-nerds; what is the point? Why have two identical pages that share the same information? Myspace has, currently, 122 million registered users, compared to Facebook’s 500 million. If you still have a Myspace, slap yourself. (Just kidding)

None of these Kiwi are believed to be in the mine….

A massive explosion has trapped two dozen coal miners in New Zealand. Following the trendy example of the Chilean Miners, the Kiwis are trapped at an unknown depth in the intricate labyrinth, buried at least a mile below the surface. A man driving a loader some distance from the blast was thrown from the piece of equipment, a shocking indication of the strength of the explosion. Fears that the mine’s ventilation system was damaged forces rescuers to begin searching for fast and potentially more dangerous avenues of escape for the men trapped.

50 Church of England priests have voiced the intention to join 5 bishops in Britain who have converted to Roman Catholicism, this coming roughly 400 years after the Anglican Church was formed as a separate entity outside the power of Rome (thanks, Henry VIII). The priests say that cannot in good judgment serve as holy men in the Church if female bishops are accepted as a part of doctrine, a motion quickly gaining momentum in the country. The Pope has created a special club for the converts (or defectors, depending on your view) giving them the same powers as Catholic priests, and allowing married Anglican priests to keep their wives, which is just darn nice of the Holy Father. The Church of England has been confirming female priests since 1994, and have used “flying priests” (not Bohunks) to serve congregations that did not want a female leading their flock. Your views on this are of great interest; leave a comment with our opinion.

Oh my, how they grow…Three lives spent on camera.

The Harry Potter films are nearly concluded. It’s been 9 years and the movies have made billions in profit while delighting more than a few generations. If you have read the books, you know the sort of mixed feeling that comes with any final installment. Upon finishing the last book, many wished for more, but also, were satisfied with the feeling of completion and closure. Readers felt as though they had seen their closest friends finally find peace. Even the very best things must end, and all the better if they end as they should. These movies WILL be the last new Harry Potter related works. Ever. There will not be another book, nor film. What we have now is all the world will ever get from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (if you are tearing up, if that heavy feeling has found your breast, your heart, know it has found mine, doubly so, in writing this) and we can only treasure what is. Thank you, JK Rowling, for all you have given this weary world.

Thanks for reading, enjoy your weekend safely. The Bohunk will be taking off the holidays next week, so there will only be a Monday and Tuesday Update, in addition to the Top Post redone tomorrow.

Murder Most Foul, Hall of Fame, and NFL Stuff….

Welcome to the Week before Thanksgiving, where many a teenage girl begins to starve herself before the gluttonous bounty that is Turkey Day itself….

A quick gesticulation to the –> right of your screen to bring your attention to the All-New Flying Bohunk Hall of Fame, chronicling famous folk who have made a visit to the blog since its meteoric rise to mediocrity. Illustrious names like Ted King, Todd Wells and Heather Irmiger grace the Hall, and the Bohunk will be bothering other Big Names to add to those ranks.

The fan favorite herself, Heather Irmiger. Note the number of riders
behind her….All of them. New HoF inductee.

The Detroit Lions lost to the heretofore winless Buffalo Ballcap Brims in a close but ugly, ugly football contest. The unsightly 12-14 score was indicative of the game itself. Detroit offered up 11 penalties to Ryan “I Graduate From Harvard, Pip, Pip” Fitzpatrick and the now 1-7 Bills. Fitzpatrick, an undrafted free agent who is now, statistically, one of the top ten quarterbacks in the league is this year’s Bohunk Breakout Player of the First Portion of the Season.

“A true Harvard chap will celebrate all wins by
investing in a long term CD and uttering a rousing,
’Pip, pip.’”

The Cowboys (not, mind you, cow-gentlemen) beat the New York Football Players Of Large Stature. They are now 2-7, but, as the head coach would point out, 1-0 under their new head coach, Jason Garrett. The Pokes overcame some ugly penalties and took advantage of Eli Manning’s distracted play (thinking about Oreos) to return a TD 101 yards off an interception. A good record for the remainder of the season might just allow the Red-Headed Garrett keep the job into next year, especially if a prolonged negotiation takes place as a new labor deal is discussed for the NFL.

In not-officially-paid-football, Auburn, Oregon, My Oregon and Boise State frolicked amongst the tulips, pushing aside some competition to remain undefeated. The truly interesting team at this point of the season is LSU; should the Purple Tigers (as I call them) win out, they just might have enough points to jump over either Boise or TCU to get into a BCS game. If that should happen, it would offer Boise and TCU opportunities to beat teams from automatic qualifier conferences and prove a point the Bohunk has repeatedly hammered into critics; if these non-automatic qualifier teams aren’t really any good, then why not let them play the Big Boys? The BCS has conveniently matched up the non-automatic qualifiers whenever possible since Boise upset Oklahoma in 2007. In the immortal words of Bobby Z., “I ain’t sayin’ nothin’, I’m just sayin’.”

Sad news from Haiti; the recent outbreak of cholera, which has since spread and thousands in the beleaguered nation, has claimed over 900 lives. Of the nation’s 10 provinces, 6 have confirmed deaths from cholera. Estimates place the number of people hospitalized at 14,000 since the outbreak began last month. The UN is now asking for $164 million to combat the disease. 121 people have died of cholera since Friday.

In technological news, Facebook has vowed to create a “Gmail-killer” with its new integrated email service. Reports of Facebook’s plan to create an email service have long been rumored though more concrete indications of the move surfaced last week. The Bohunk was going to include it, but, I was checking my Facebook. The company already has roughly 500 millions members (only 800 of which are are my friends (makes sad face and slumps shoulders)) that would be quick to adopt the new service. Quote from Gmail, Yahoo! and Hotmail: “Bring it on, bitches.”

Scientists from around the globe are exhuming the grave of famed astronomer Tycho Brahe, a Danish gentleman born in 1546 and who died in 1601 under mysterious circumstances. After a 1901 exhumation, scientists back then thought he died of a bladder infection; now, in a much cooler theory, some believe Brahe had abnormally and even lethal amounts of mercury in his blood system at the time of his death, leading some to believe he died of murder…murder most foul. Brahe died while in the Motherland (Prague, in what is now Czech Republic but has been and always will be the land of my people) at the invitation of Holy Roman Emperor Rudolph II after the Brahe’s dispute with the Danish king. Brahe is credited with collected the most accurate data of celestial bodies of any person in his lifetime

**Bonus Fact: Brahe was in a duel at some point in his life. The sword of a fellow nobleman reportedly cut off the end of his nose, which was replaced by a piece of metal. Scientists are hoping to find this piece of metal to determine what it was made of and if it could have been a reason for Brahe’s elevated mercury levels. 

Thanks for reading, hope you had an excellent weekend. Enjoy Monday Night Football this evening, Washington Native Americans against the Philadelphia “Boos When A Player Might Be Paralyzed” Eagles….Haven’t forgot about you, Colts WR Austin Collie… Stay strong, brother…

The Pope and Sexuality, Witches and Ducks....

When they say at Jude's Barbershop that it is where men get their haircut they are serious. I just saw them scold an eleven year old out of the building, telling him to come back when "His balls drop and his voice changes". Seemed a bit harsh to me.

Delaware Senate candidate and "Wicked Witch of the Northeast" Christine O'Donnell says that she regrets the television ad in witch (<--that's funny) she denied being a...witch. Campaign experts chortled 'round the country, saying "No shit, Christine." The ad was made after some opponents of O'Donnell claimed she was a magical sorceress. O'Donnell, a Republican (if the witch claims didn't give that away) felt threatened enough to by the allegations to spend a few hundred thousand dollars to defend her position (or cover?) as a right-wing Christian conservative who has even queried where in the Constition is seperation of church and state listed. We are on to you, O'Donnell....

The Michigan Department of Energy reported that the unemployment rate in Michigan "dipped" to 13.1% last month, the best since September 2009. The unemployment rate is still much higher than the national average, which was confirmed to be 9.2% as of August. The Michigan government needs to work on its wording; saying unemployment "dipped" to 13% is like saying the Detroit Lions' win total "peaked" to one this season. It serves to trivialize the dire situation our state is in and makes light of its future. I voted for Granholm, and I am convinced that on her last day in office she will jump from the capital building, throwing money to everyone saying, "Haha, I was just kidding! I have all the answers and solutions right here! Peace out bitches!" or something to that effect.

The number one Oregon Ducks play this evening against the UCLA Bruins. It is the third straight week the top ranked team has played a ranked opponent, with the last two #1s losing. Should the Ducks lose, college football fans will have their fourth top team in as many weeks, which, according to my fabricated research department, is a record.

"Sexuality is a gift from the Creator" a recent letter from the Pope read, according to the website of the Vatican. He went on to say that "it is also a task which relates to a person's growth towards human maturity. When it is not integrated within the person, sexuality becomes banal and destructive." Statements such as these show the Pontiff as open to connecting with modern culture and society, and accepting certain aspects of the human condition as natural. The Pope went on the condemn the priests who abused their postion to molest children and also the mishandling of these cases by Cardinals and other Church administrators. These are the types of efforts the Universal Church must constantly make to stay relevant and respected. That, and explain the how bread "magically" turns into the body of Christ. The mystic portions of the religion, while traditional, need modernity as much as the Church's figures.

So, we've covered just about everything today. There will be a short quiz Friday, but don't miss Community and 30 Rock on NBC tonight. Enjoy Jim making faces at the camera...