Oregon, My Oregon, Cheer-Babe Special and An Aged Red Wine…

It’s 1/11/11 today, and I have no doubt that I was the one thousandth person to point that out to you today. Tell other people, as many as you can, even make it your Facebook status; we don’t want people to live uninformed that today is, in fact, 1/11/11. Moving on…

It was the BCS National Championship game, and though it pains the Bohunk’s very soul and beating heart, we shall discuss portions. The Auburn Tigers, led by dubious Cam “So Paid” Newton beat Oregon, My Oregon 22-19. Two amazing, prolific offenses and few points; don’t be surprised, these defenses had a month to prepare for the power of Auburn and speed of Oregon. Darren Thomas, the leader and quarterback for the Quack Attack, tossed two interceptions in the first half, an uncharacteristic performance. LeMichael James had just 49 yards rushing to Michael Dyer of Auburn’s 143. Oregon without the run isn’t Oregon; the play action passes didn’t freeze the defense, the zone reads and option plays were attacked without hesitation, and Thomas missed more than a few reads throughout the game. Enjoy all the hype and fame, Auburn, for it shall soon crash down upon you like the hand of God….As I highlight for all Justice Guided Peoples, the only picture I shall post from that terrible evening so close and hurtful in our minds is of the Oregon Amateur Cheer-Babes….

Go Ducks! Go Ducks! Ignore the disaster on the field and just Go Ducks!

While watching the game, the Bohunk could not believe the supporters of Auburn on social media. How, I wondered, could people root for someone they know tried to cheat, and in all likelihood is being paid for partaking in an amateur sport? A friend on Twitter commented “I wonder how much money Cam Newton will get for winning the National Championship?” Even the fact that he tried or is accepting money from Auburn is not enough. That is putting aside is known past; he was caught stealing computers while at the University of Florida, and he removed himself from that institution after being caught cheating in classes. His father shopped him around the SEC schools; to assume Cam Newton didn’t know is naïve and simple. Reggie Bush was guilty of accepting funds, a house and other privileges just a few months back, and he ‘didn’t know’, but he was declared ineligible and the wins taken away. How is Cam Newton’s situation any different? How do we know he did it? Last year, a week after Cam Newton signed to Auburn, his father Cecil Newton was driving a $72,000 Escalade. A week later still, and the pastor (yes, Cam’s dad is a man of the cloth BRIBING people and lying, Go Religion!) had enough funds to pay his local town board to remove the condemned ruling from his church and to begin repairs. Where did the money come from? You, my dear reader, tell me… 

*Bonus photo. I refuse to post another picture of Cam Newton. Go Ducks! Again!

Rare but inspiring good news from Haiti, a very important recurring article in the Update. It has almost exactly a year since an earthquake ripped apart the capital, Port-au-Prince, and only roughly 5% of the rubble that chokes the city’s streets has been removed. Now, before the National Palace, or the Champs de Mars plaza in front of the Palace are repaired, workers are putting the finishing touches on the Marche en Fer is nearly returned to it former glory. The 19th century building was actually constructed in France and intended to serve as a railway station in Cairo, Egypt. For reasons unknown, it landed in Haiti in 1891 and server as “the economic and cultural fulcrum of the city,” according to Irishman Denis O’Brien, a man who has invest millions into the restoration. O’Brien owns a cellphone market that thrived in Haiti, and his money has been used to hire “hundreds of workers, import materials and not flinch too much at cost overruns.” According to The New York Times, O’Brien has even filed his Haitian taxes a year early to help fund humanitarian efforts in the country. All praise and “props”, as the kids would say, to Mr. O’Brien and his efforts on behalf of the Haitian people. It might just get him into the Bohunk Hall of Fame, one day…

Jared L. Loughner, the man who shot and killed six in Tucson last Saturday, will not contest his detainment and forego any bail hearings. He has not made a plea, guilty or innocent, and is now under the counseling of a specialist lawyer, Judy Clarke. Clarke is a capital-defense lawyer who has been successful in getting death penalties reduced to life in prison for some shady characters like Theodore J. Kasczynski, Eric Rudoplh and Susan Smith. (Unabomber, Atlanta Olympics bomber, and drowned her toddlers, respectively) Her motivations for defended this criminals is her loathing of the death penalty, not, she says, only from a political standpoint, but also in her experiences with clients. After the Smith case, she returned to the State of South Carolina all $82,000 they had paid her as a public defendant and returned home, saying that defending life over death was reward enough. Her family tried to instill her with independent thinking, and they together rallied and organized a campaign to unseat Jesse Helms, a Republican Senator in the 1990s. Their actions were sparked by a letter from Helms, one Great Big Asshole, that Judy’s brother Mark had “played Russian roulette in his sexual activity” after Mark died of AIDS at the young age of 31. More on the Loughner case as it comes…

In tech an business news, Verizon is set to unveil the iPhone in their stores this Tuesday. The problem, however, is that a massive percentage of those who would like an iPhone already have them and are under contract with AT&T. In fact, AT&T sold about 15 million iPhones last year, though Verizon will surely sell a few million this year as well. The two are already taking shots at each other, most notably pointing out that Verizon’s iPhones will be markedly slowly because of their data format. Apple is reaping the benefits of the competition, however; shares in the company are up to an all-time high of $342.45. Apple’s market value is estimated at $314 billion, only behind Exxon-Mobil as the US’s richest company. All of that doesn’t matter; people just want to check Facebook compulsively and play “Angry Birds”…Imagine the heartlessness of those pigs stealing the birds’ eggs! I’d launch myself into any wild construction of ice and wood to break those pigs, too!

The world’s oldest vineyard ever was found. As you may have guessed, the Bohunk is a classy, debonair type gent, and has been known to be a discerning wine critic after years of working at a respected vineyard on the beautiful Old Mission Peninsula, Chateau Chantal. (I mostly carried cases of wine from the cellar to the tasting room) So imagine my interest (piqued, imagine it piqued) when scientists claimed to have found a winemaking operation roughly 6,100 years old. This would date the site during the Late Chalcolithic Period, the same age wherein the wheel was invented and the horse was domesticated, some pretty important parts of human history. The wine stuffs were found in a cave in Armenia by American, Armenian and Irish archeologists just this past week. The site had jarred seeds of grapes and other plants which will be studied for their DNA and to determine many aspects of daily ancient life. Botanists even want to plant some and to see if they bud, and what sort of fruit they would produce. Pretty cool, huh?

Thanks for reading folks, more and better effort tomorrow, as always. With any luck, you will find the strength to move on from the Oregon, My Oregon loss…

Fox of the Year, Rome, Best Santas and…Merry Christmas!….

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone! If a little holiday Update does knock the baahumbug out of your system, I fear only a severe blow to the chin will do the same job. This Update is a gift that you have to unwrap with your eyes…Read on…

The undetonated bomb found yesterday outside of Rome was unfortunately not the only parcel bomb floating around the area. The bombs were sent to embassies, injuring staff members from Switzerland and Chile. Italians experts in terror (not shoe design, the typical Italian expertise) believe anarchists could have been behind the attack. The Swiss helped Italy arrest several anarchists this year, and another anarchists was killed in Chile by law enforcement officials there. These bombings are in all likelihood related to a string of very similar parcel bombs that took place in Greece, where a group of anarchists (organized anarchy!) called the Conspiracy of Fire, was finally understood to have orchestrated the violence. The Greeks have initially stated they see no connection between the two strings of bombings, but, they all are a terrible government. The Swiss man injured in the bombings in Rome has been hospitalized with serious injures to his hands.

The first recorded “sighting” of Santa Claus in these United States was in Albany, New York way, way, way back in 1675 on a bank account statement. A man purchased, for the holiday season, “St. Nicholas purchases” a cleaver way to hide what he bought from his family. However, the legend of the chubby, bearded gentleman with a garish but signature red suit comes from Turkey around 280 AD. The name “Santa Claus” wasn’t associated with the figure until the Dutch slapped him with their version as “Sinter Claus”, though he was still more popularly known around Europe as “Saint Nicholas”. In Britain, Santa was “Father Christmas”, a bearded old man most often portrayed in long green robes. Charles Dickens used this image as the basis for the “Ghost of Christmas Past” in his famous The Christmas Carol. Washington Irving, the outstanding author most well-known for The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, mentioned Santa in his History of New York in 1809. More on the development of the Chubby One later…

Great Santas in History: Cosmo Kramer.

In what is appearing now to be not-so-amatear football, five Ohio State Buckeye football participates have been suspended to five games a piece next season. Now, first, the obvious question. Why are they not suspended for the upcoming Sugar Bowl against Arkansas? As the Bohunk always says; money. (I don’t say that without some context though) The Big Ten and SEC stand to make millions in tickets sales and shared profit from the bowl game. Taking away former Heisman candidate and one of the best quarterbacks in the country, Terelle Pryor, number one rusher Noah Herron, number two receiver DeVier Posey and All Big-Ten tackle Mike Adams might make the game less attractive, and therefore, less lucrative. So, the NCAA shamelessly tacks on the penalty to next season. With almost half the season taken away, these players will probably attempt to declare for the NFL, avoid any punishment whatsoever, and make some money in the pros. Not harm done, to them at least. Second, does anyone see the obvious parallel with Cam Newton? Make him eligible all year, huge ratings, a Heisman trophy and a national championship game and tons of revenue. But when all the checks are cashed and the lights go out, they will yank it all away and make him ineligible. This will develop slowly, and, go Razorbacks, as if anyone needed any more reasons to hate Ohio State.

In honor of the season, the Pope gets another mention on the Update. Yesterday, the Pontiff joined Britain’s Radio 4 to deliver a Thought of the Day Message, a daily contribution from politicians and celebrities to meditate for the world to hear. The Pope usually stays up late to deliver a Christmas message to the world outside the Basilica in Rome, but offered an opportunity to thank Britain for his week long stay there in September. The Pope did not address any of the many, many issues plaguing the Catholic church after its worst year in memory. It faced thousands of sexual misconduct and assault charges, bringing the amount of damages paid to over a billion dollars worldwide. Pope Benedict also did not bring up the issue of Anglican bishops leaving the Church of England to join ranks in Rome, even as those bishops and officials are in the Vatican studying to become ordained priests. New equipment is now available for Vatican TV, the media organization who broadcasts papal goings-on in over 40 languages. Now, you can watch Christmas Mass from the Vatican…Or A Christmas Story on TBS about 22 times.

Great Santas in History: Pam Anderson.

It is now time, thank goodness, to present the 2010 Flying Bohunk Fox of the Year, a prestige award capable of propelling one lucky Fox to worldwide stardom and fame. The conditions to be nominated were complex; 1) Had to be a Fox 2) Had to be nominated. The votes were tallied (all four of them, plus the only one that really counts, mine) and the Bohunk has been excited for days to release the results. Your 2010 Fox of the Year, and I think all of ours’ “teenage dream” is….Katy Perry! Born in California (hence the appropriateness of the hit jam, “California Girls”, KP was raised by Christian pastors. She nabbed a GED as a freshman in high school (I was popping zits as a freshman in high school, not graduating) and moved on to pursue her music career. She has had some great hits this year, from “Teenage Dream” to “Fireworks”, and has been extremely attractive at every turn, including, it should be noted, way too foxy for Sesame Street. Elmo was overly excited. Congrats, Katy Perry, and may your Foxitude last for many years to come…

Fox of the Year, and just cool person, Katy Perry…

 
BONUS KATY PERRY PHOTOGRAPH…MERRY CHRISTMAS

In the on-going development of Santa Clause, the author Clement Clark Moore wrote “The Night Before Christmas”, though it is really titled “A Visit From Saint Nicholas”, depicting a chubby bearded man, not elf, wearing a red suit and a massive sack of presents perched on his back. It also heralded in the presence of a sleigh, reindeer and an even rounder, more jolly appearance. It took thousands of years to develop the creepy old man dressed up in bad cotton that you let your child sit on and talk to. Oh how far we’ve come.

Finally, let’s celebrate the season with a miracle. Our Solar Sytstem, in fact. The universe is an unfathomably gigantic void. It is almost entirely empty, even considering that, for example, our Sun, which is millions of time larger than Earth, is pretty small amongst its fellow stars. The universe is, frankly, too large to even comprehend. Even our solar system is beyond our reach. Pluto, now demoted down from planet status to just another celestial entity in the Kuiper Belt, is really, really far away. It is 39 AUs from the sun (AU= astronomical unit, or the distance from the Sun to the Earth) or, about 3,647,240,000 miles away. We can barely get to the moon without a hassle, and getting to Mars with a manned mission is almost impossible (cosmic rays that get through its atmosphere would tear up the very DNA of astronauts) let alone likely. But let us put this distance in perspective. As Bill Bryson pointed out in A Brief History of Nearly Everything,  if the Sun was the period of this sentence, and you wanted to draw Pluto to scale, you would have to travel 10,000 miles away. Pluto would be the size of a bacterium. Or, if the Sun was the size of the head of the smallest needle, Pluto would be a few hundred miles away, and the size of a single atom. How our solar system came to be was that of the most staggering odds. Indeed, there are billions and billions and billions of solar systems, just trillions and trillions and trillions of them. 600 sextillion stars in the universe. And we found the right galaxy, the right star, the right planet to somehow make life over hundreds of millions of years. Do not feel small; we should be proud and privileged to live, even for a second, in the face of the trillions of beings who never had a chance. We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

Have a very Merry Christmas and congrats again to Katy Perry. What a Christmas this must be for her! Enjoy your Christmas Eve and Christmas and the Bohunk Update returns Monday with some New Years resolutions…

Sweden, Rings, A Wasted Heisman and Miley Cyrus…

It is the week before Christmas and the Bohunk reminds you that the holidays are not only about gifts and presents, but that is how people will remember you. Do not be the guy to show up to the Christmas even empty handed, unless you are really sure they already like you.

The snow of the season blanketed most of the Mid-West and the East Coast over the weekend, dumping a few feet in areas of west New York, northern Indiana and northern Michigan. And, true to form, people acted as though the world might end. This time, however, the accumulation was worth the excitement. The Minnesota Hyperboreans vs. New York G Persons was postponed after the Giants were stranded in Kansas City, and the dome the Vikings play in nearly collapsed. It means Detroit will host its first Monday Night Football game in over a decade, though obviously the Lions will still not partake. Tickets in Detroit are free to whoever would like to watch; the Bohunk predicts a sparse crowd.

What experts believe to be a suicide bomb attempt killed one man and injured to others in Stockholm, Sweden. The Nordic country known for its blondes and neutral stance in foreign policy has long avoided the terror threats and bombings that have rocked other European nations since 2001. Two separate explosions just seconds apart and only 200 yards away rocked a busy commerce center in Stockholm. An e-mail sent to many news outlets claimed responsibility for the attacks, citing Sweden’s support of the US in Afghanistan (Sweden has 500 troops in country) and their support for the cartoonist who drew an image of Allah, which is a pretty big taboo in the Islamic faith. The country also has faced a massive influx of Muslims into the country, prompting a rise in right-wing anti-immigration policy and attitude in response to the influx of foreigners. It is a small world after all…

The controversial image of Allah from Sweden’s cartoonist, Mr. Viilk. Edited to avoid
bombings.

One of the most beautiful and intriguing mysteries in the cosmos was the origins of Saturn’s rings. Many scientists have lobbed guesses, but there was never enough evidence to go beyond theory. The planet’s distance also has prevented any concrete exploration of the composition of the rings and its moons, though they can conclude that the moons are primarily rock and ice. A new theory based on the presence of pockets of hydrogen brings about a new guesstimation. Robin Canup, the author of a new study on Saturn, says that a giant ring of hydrogen once surrounded the planet. This ring had a huge role in the formation of the rinds, creating and destroying planets, and even altering their orbits and send them crashing through Saturn’s atmosphere; if they made it through uncrushed, some actually came out on the other side. Fast forward a billion years, and the hydrogen ring has dissipated, either being captured in Saturn or drifting off into space, leaving some traces in the rings amongst millions of fractured rocks and ice particles. We have studied this planet for decades, and we are only just learning how the most marked trait of any planet in the solar system was formed (although the Bohunk would admit the presence of life on Earth is pretty important too). We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

Saturn and her rings: The result of billions of years of hydrogen slowly dissipating into
the deep recess of space….And nice to look at, too.

A short note on the Heisman: For the first time in twelve years, the Bohunk did not watch the Heisman trophy presentation at the Downtown Athletic Club. Since I was ten years old, I have watched the presentation of the most valued and prestigious award in amateur sports. Sitting in my basement, dressed in shorts and cleats and a jersey, I watched the award handed to Ricky Williams, Eric Crouch, Charles Woodson and the rest; not all amazing pros, or good people in life. But when they were awarded the Bronze Man With A Wicked Stiff Arm, we all knew they were amateurs. Saturday, that same trophy was handed to a player, Cam Newton, who we know to have stolen computers. He left the University of Florida to avoid a academic scandal after he was suspected of cheating and accepting improper assistance. Then, his father offered up his son to the highest bidder, looking for up to $180,000 from Mississippi State, and finally settling on Auburn because, as Cam Newton was quoted by Miss. State sources, “The money was just too good.” The NCAA cleared him because the money from the bowls is too good; Auburn stands to win almost $100 million to split with the SEC. Within a month of the game being played, Newton will be declared ineligible. His Heisman will have to be returned, and his wins, records, and all of his team’s accomplishments will be erased. Simply embarrassing. All the luck in the world to Oregon, My Oregon on January 10th.

A sad look in the Update’s ongoing coverage of the cholera epidemic in Haiti. Clinics and the nation’s experts now say that over 4,000 people have died from cholera with roughly 100,000 being afflicted with the disease since the outbreak began in October. Fears in the Caribbean are now turned to the neighbors of Haiti, however, who fear that the disease may spread to the Dominican Republic or other nations in the area. Experts and the UN have put into practice a system meant to regulate border crossings by those who may have had contact with the sick, and no food or water is allowed to pass into the Dominican Republic. A handful of cases of the disease have been reported in small rural villages along the Haitian border.

Miley Cyrus: Peace, Love and Weed.

In lighter news, videos are out after Miley Cyrus was caught “hitting” (as the kids would say) a bong, which the Bohunk has learned is a device used to smoke the illegal plant-drug marijuana. Cyrus was at her eighteenth birthday party. While a let-down and a poor example for millions of her fans, the Bohunk looks on it positively; at least the video wasn’t her getting “hit” by anybody. (This implies a sex tape, sorry, not easy to mix terminolgy) She has not made a comment about it yet, though the Bohunk suspects it will be, “That’s just Miley being Miley.”

The Detroit Lions beat the Green Bay Packers yesterday by the runaway score of 7-4. It was the first division win since Detroit beat the Bears in 2007. They are still holding their streak of road losses, 25, but to focus on the positive, the Lions beat a very solid Packers team that was a Super Bowl pick by many of the trend-spotting Talking Heads on ESPN. The Packers are still one game behind the Bears for the division title, and the two play to end the season. Both teams are jockeying with the New York G-Persons for the wildcard spot.

In a blustery Chicago Bears vs. New England Flying Elvii match-up, the Best Team In The NFL (Patriots) beat up the Bears, winning by 33 at the half, prompting CBS to switch to the Jets/Finns game at the start! of the third quarter. Tom “Bieber” Brady looked cool as the relatively frigid temperature of a fading white dwarft star as he tossed for two TDs and 369 yards. The Bohunk politely notes to readers that the Pats were dubbed the Best Team In the NFL on October 13th, almost two months ago to the day, and they are now proving it…Someone most have told them of my vote of confidence.

In another contribution to the Bohunk’s Cheap Gifts for the holidays, you may just want to pick up a copy of Earth (The Book): A Visitor’s Guide to the Human Race now just $15 when you buy online. Jon Stewart takes a hypothetical alien through the goings-on and daily life of the Blue Planet’s stewards, humans. It’s a colorful, hilarious book and your wise-ass on the list is going to enjoy each sarcastic page. Just follow the link to Barnes and Noble.

Again, the Bohunk must shamelessly plug his own book, West, on-sale now as an eBook on Barnes and Noble. You can pick it up here for an amazingly good deal of only $2.

Thanks for reading, folks, and come back tomorrow for some more Christmas cheer. And some really depressing world news.

Cam Newton, Pluto, Gay Marriage and Tom “Bieber” Brady…

Monday, and a Monday which brings us unrivalled clarity in the BCS, NFL and even some other aspects of life, which, should you read on, may help you extraordinarily…

In the last big weekend of amateur football, the Auburn Tigers matched up against the South Carolina Gamecocks. The ‘Cocks, led by Darth Visor himself, Sir Steven Spurrier, were obvious underdogs against Cam “So Paid” Newton and Auburn, and unfortunately for Good and Justice, the ‘Cocks played like underdogs. The defense played in fear of Cam Newton, the safeties, at times, lurking far from the line of scrimmage and allowing the dinks and dunks of runs and short passes. Urged and cajoled forward, they then gave up a long TD pass, a long TD run, and were down by three scores going into the fourth quarter. For those who watched on CBS, the cameras were squarely on Newton for the last 15 minutes of play. It was unprofessional, one-sided, and revolting. Commentators spoke of Newton as though some divine bronzen Greek god, capable of anything and the delight of everyone. The camera almost missed plays while zooming in on Newton, who acted like a giddy third grader, even writing his name on a water bottle, dubbing it “Cammy Cam Juice.” First off, that is the stupidest thing ever witnessed since Jersey Shore. Second, the sideline reporter (whom I will leave nameless, because it was the most embarrassing thing her producer has ever made her do) took up the bottle and threw back a swig. She commented that it was a mixture of gatorade and water, but she “didn’t know exactly what was in it.” It’s Gatorade and water. You just said it. Unless Newton has some gin and vodka on the sideline (don’t put it past him) I hardly think it could be a martini. In a month or so, Auburn will probably have won a national championship only to have it taken away, along with all their wins, a Heisman for Newton, and the SEC Championship it won. Mark these very words…

And she thought her old job was the most degrading thing she’d ever put things in her mouth for… Poor form, CBS.

This is going to be embarrassing in a few months…Enjoy it while it
lasts…

In the Big 12, Nebraska turned over the ball 4 times in the first three quarters to politely bow out to rival Oklahoma, giving up a BCS bowl berth and to slink into the Big Ten next season. Up by 17, Taylor Martinez threw an interception in the end zone, and the Bohunk stated “Game Over” to the room at large. Martinez loses all confidence after a turnover; he threw scared and inaccurately for the remainder of the game. The back up, Cody Green, should have entered in the third quarter. The Huskers reliance on the Wild Cat, with Rex Burkhead at the helm, showed only that Martinez was ineffective on his bum ankle, and that his passing was not enough to keep him a threat on the field. A fourth quarter fumble by Burkhead handing off the Roy Helu, Jr. (who fumbled twice in addition to this) sealed the doom. Congrats to the Sooners, who now play TCU in the Fiesta Bowl.

A suicide bomb attack killed 50 and injured upwards on 120 people in a hotly disputed area of Pakistan. The region of Mohmand borders Afghanistan and serves as a hotbed of Taliban activity. Two bombers working in unison attacked a meeting of tribal elders who were working against Taliban influence in the region. Almost 300 people were inside the room as the one of the bombers detonated amongst them; his partner was being checked at the door. The second bomber detonated within seconds of the first explosion. The Mohmand region is one of several hideouts for Al-Qaeda and Taliban insurgents in Pakistan.

The gay marriage ban in California head back to the courts in San Francisco. Proposal 8, which passed on the ballot just over two years ago, was ruled as a violation of rights and has been bouncing around the legal system ever since. It is now up as high as a federal court, with a very likely chance of reaching the Supreme Court in some months, should they elect to hear it. Lower courts have ruled that marriage is a constitutional right and that banning it from any demographic of the American people violates that right. Voters in favor of the ban claim that this attitude neglects real intent of the Constitution and that gay marriage should not be protected. The Bohunk says to this, frankly, bull-feces. Taking away rights to any group is wrong, regardless of what others may (prejudicially) think of that demographic. To say gays cannot marry is no different, from a Constitutional vantage point, than saying woman cannot vote or that African-Americans cannot own land. And from a moral standpoint, it is unfair to ask others to suffer from your beliefs if they do not believe in it. For those saying that the Bible is against homosexuality, great; if that is what you believe, go for it, Bubbba. But if others do not share this belief, do not force it upon them. With any luck, this case will make the Supreme Court, and the ruling against the ban upheld.

The proposed buyout of Barnes and Noble by Borders is gaining steam. Mega-rich hedge fund manager and Slick Rick Bill Ackman says he will pull together the $900 million needed for the Borders, the smaller company of the two, to take control of Barnes and Noble Booksellers. Stocks of both companies soared, both up by roughly 16%. Both have reported losses for three consecutive quarters, though both expect much better business over the holiday season. Why is this important? Because the two combined create the largest book behemoth ever before seen to man; they would control more of the print market than any other seller, and could have a massive influence on the price of books for good or ill. That text book you need? They have it cheaper than the university bookstore. But will they sell it at the competitive price with much less competition? Time will invariably tell….   

All this says is your Friday nights are lonely…

Are you, like the Bohunk, still a bit miffed by the unceremonious exit of Pluto from our solar system? I have been nearly sleepless since 2006 when Pluto was official voted out of our very select club, reducing the solar system from nine planets to eight, though it makes pick-up basketball easier, 4 on 4. However, the composition of our Club has changed dramatically. Like the universe and its known composition, our solar system changes frequently. A scientific journal from 1837 claims the existence of 11 planets, while by 1851 fifteen more were added to that total. The Kuiper Belt, the murky recesses where Pluto and these other pseudo-plants orbit, is home to uncountable entities of vastly varied size and composition. According to Mike Brown, author of How I Killed Pluto and Why It Had It Coming, scientists could either include other bodies from this region, get rid of Pluto, or do nothing at all. According to the Bohunk, the jackals obviously had nothing else to do, so they debated and eventually removed Pluto.

Tonight, on Monday Night Football, the New England Flying Elvii take on the New York Sonic Aviators. The winner takes the AFC East, and likely home field advantage for the play-offs. The loser should still get in on the wildcard road, but titles always are preferred, no doubt. Talking Heads on sports media are declaring the deciding factor will be the Jets’ ability to pressure Tom “Bieber” Brady. Thank you for stating that the Jets will try to tackle the quarterback on each down. They propose complicated blitzes and coverage schemes…Ah, but here they fall into a trap. Good quarterbacks love being blitzed! It makes their reads and throws easier, and makes for big plays! As the Best Team In The NFL, by my own declaration, the Pats will beat the Jets BECAUSE they try to blitz Brady, not in spite of it. Tune it to see….

Thanks for reading, enjoy MNF and come back tomorrow for another Update, still free…Because it is impossible to charge on a blog. Have a good one, folks…

Drilling, Obese People, Taxes and The Boy Wizard….

Welcome back to the Update, and many thanks for your attention. In thanks, the Bohunk is offering up free blogs for the rest of the year. Dig in, chaps…

Congress (and as you read this remember we elected it) looks to be intent on extending tax cuts according to aides affiliated with both Democrats and Republicans. Democrats had been pushing hard to allow the tax cut for the richer tax brackets lapse, restoring the tax percentage to that of pre-Dubya levels. Republicans argued that ‘raising’ taxes during a recession (that Bush caused) would be economically ‘unadvisable.’ The Bohunk counters with a jab, saying a war in Iraq costing hundreds of thousands of lives and tens of trillions of dollars was also unadvisable. The Republicans came back by saying that it would make social programs less fundable by keeping federal income low; the Bohunk replied, ‘Why yes, that is why Elephants are blocking a bill to extend unemployment benefits.’ (As reported yesterday, 2 million Americans will lose their benefits today; with the tax revenue of the richer class, this would not have happened) The Republicans said, ‘Screw you. The Bohunk said, ‘Screw you harder.’

Yes, please, drill right there. Not offshore.

Remember that oil spill? That was pretty bad; even oilmongers (<---claiming that one) cried foul on Obama for ‘letting this happen’ though it was Bush who okayed BP and other off shore oil companies in the Gulf. Obama banned offshore drilling on the Atlantic coast last night in a bill that will not allow any oil extraction for the next seven years. Hint to BP: Spend the money you’d have spent drilling and research alterative energy. The oil left won’t last too long…You spilled an awful lot of it.

In news that proves the World Is Going To Hell Via Handbasket, the NCAA ruled Auburn quarterback Cam Newton eligible, claiming the convicted burglar had no knowledge of his father’s pay-to-play scheme. Yeah, right. And when Newton stole computers from his University of Florida dorm, he didn’t know they weren’t his. To say that he was unaware of his father’s communications with college boosters is to cite naivity to the extreme; given Newton’s less than sparkling history, the cleansed name is a move by the NCAA to avoid a big mess. Find out that Newton is a fraud in 6 months, and they may have to wipe away an SEC title, a national championship and a Heisman trophy; exonerate him before he actually is labeled guilty, and they need only watch the TV ratings soar. (Admit it, you don’t want to see Oregon vs. TCU; neither does the NCAA)

Some astronomy news is long overdue; scientists now believe that there are roughly 300 sextillion stars in the universe, but hey, who’s really counting? Charlie Conroy (the guy actually counting) of Harvard-Smithsonian, claims that estimates on the number of stars in the universe have been grossly underestimated. The confusion came when scientists realized the importance of white dwarf stars, which are roughly a third the size of our own sun and very difficult to locate outside our galaxy. Including as many white dwarfs as we know of, and assuming a 3 to 1 ratio of white dwarfs to normal or hotter suns, scientists now believe there are some 300 sextillion stars. This is important, because it dictates many aspects of how we look at the formation of galaxies, stars, solar systems and the break down of particles. Who knows, the answer to our problems of energy might be burning up in some distant region of space (and the Bohunk argues in a portion of time, as well) just waiting to be discovered. We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

“Let me fix something up, you boys look famished.”

It may come as no great surprise, but new research from the UK shows that obesity does not have a correlative effect on some diseases, such as cancer or heart disease. Obesity is now believed to be the a contributing cause to all diseases, right down to the common cold. The best indicator of your body’s fat level is your BMI, or body mass index. An index of 25-30 means you’re a bit fluffy, and over 30 means you will be troubled to fit through doors. The researchers found that people over a score of 25 were 19% more likely to die of any and all causes. Certain ethnicities, such as African Americans and Native Americans, had a higher percentage than whites. Obese patients were also quicker to report depression, lack of energy, moodiness and irritability, and claim to lead a ‘lower quality life’ than they expected in healthier people. In an unrelated study, scientists found that obese people lived, on average, 10 years less than a person with a BMI under 25, depending on many health issues and how long they were obese. So, go to the gym today, everyone. If you need a workout plan, ask the Bohunk.

Finally, I submit the following as the holiday CHEAP gift of the day. While this is a bit over the $20 limit, it is well worth the investment. If you are buying for nearly anyone on your list, why not get them the Harry Potter boxed paperback set? It is currently marked at 41% off, comes in a super cool box to keep them all safe, and best of all, it’s Harry Potter. The Bohunk grew up spending Friday and Saturday evenings (including high school) joining Harry, Hermione and Ron on their adventures around Hogwarts. It is the best book series of all time, in more than one way. Check it out at Barnes and Nobles.

Thanks for reading, enjoy NBC’s Thursday night line up this evening, including a Claymation Community that is going to be quite entertaining.

Ducks, Hitler AND Stalin, and the First Day of Christmas…

Welcome back! Hoping you enjoyed your Thanksgiving and holiday weekend. It is a big weekend for a lot of people and a lot of families for a lot of reasons, not the least of which being eating. The Bohunk is happy to report that the amount of pumpkin pie devoured over the past five days may have surpassed all in history; at least two pies combined, in addition to an unknown number of cakes, iced creams, lattes, pumpkin bars and fudge conglomerates. The caloric intake must easily match that of a small Botswanian village over the course of a month. The result was expected; there is a little bit more Bohunk to love this week.

Let us go back, way back, in time to revisit the Thanksgiving tradition the Bohunk values just as much as eating mashed potatoes with a roll serving as an edible fork. The Detroit Lions hosted the New England Flying Elvii, huge favorites and declared (by me) The Best Team In The NFL. Tom “Bieber” Brady tossed for 341 yards and four (count ‘em) touchdowns while strolling away from the Detroit defense. “Shotgun” Shaun Hill made another start for the Lions, and played in typical just-enough-effort-and-yardage-not-to-get-benched fashion that has always been his trademark. Jahvid Best barely touched the field with a nagging turf toe injury, and Calvin Johnson had four catches for 81 yards and six points. This makes 7 straight losses on Thanksgiving for the Lions….The Bohunk does not mind if they lose the next 7 to 10 games, the tradition, which began in 1934, should continue regardless….

Oregon, My Oregon survived a tough game from Arizona, who seemed at least to be equal to the Ducks until the second half. As a partial bystander, I’d say Oregon is: A) The best dressed squad in the country B) The fastest group of 80 gentlemen outside of a federal prison C) Going to win the national title against whoever ends up playing them. If it is Auburn, who barely survived Alabama on Friday, the Bohunk sees a game in which Oregon flies while Cam “I’m So Paid” Newton plods and plugs along. Auburn has survived some scares this season because of their tremendous comebacks in the second half; Oregon, according to my made-up sources, is the only team more dangerous in the third and final quarters of a foot ball contest. Auburn will not be able to comeback against LeMichael James and Co.

(Mighty Ducks Style) “Quack, quack, quack, quack quack…”

On the other end of the football sammach, the professionals played Sunday with some great college games tucked between. What a weekend for pigskin; we saw great games involving almost every Top Ten school (LSU, Auburn, Oregon, Nebraska, Oklahoma vs Oklahoma State, Michigan State, Wisconsin and Ohio State) and were then treated to games that may decide divisions and wild card slots (Packers, Bears, Giant, Colts and Vikings). Just another thing to be thankful for…(It’s Monday, there’s gonna be some cheese in here)

Unfortunately, outside the football world, political life went on. The eerily plugged-in WikiLinks website gained access to what might amount to a quarter million cables concerning intimate conversations and insights on diplomatic negotiations from around the world. The cables span the past three years, include some from just this past February. The first batch were released on Sunday, with more to come soon. Ambassadors and American diplomats across the globe have been reaching out to their counterparts to forewarn the impeding explosion. Many intelligence officials in the government claim the information endangers the efforts of diplomats and infringes on the personal rights of government employees. Frankly, there is a ton of information to sift through, but already news agencies have found some shocking exchanges between nations. Cables show that the US has been secretly (and very unsuccessfully) attempting to steal nuclear weapons and materials from Iran since late 2007. It has also revealed the wheeling and dealing involved with trying to close the Guantanamo Prison in Cuba by trying to entice other nations with cash, trading rights and photo-ops if they would take terrorists into their country. (Slovenia was told they would get a meeting with President Obama if they would house a detainee) Other cables revealed that the American government warned Germany against punishing or even trying to prosecute US CIA agents who arrested an innocent German citizen and held him in Afghanistan for months. Much more on this later in the week…

The holidays are not, officially, commenced; while the Bohunk loves Christmas just as much as the next Bohunk, the ever-earlier creep of Christmas itself infringed on the gift-less, pressure-less joy that is Thanksgiving. Watch the Macy’s Parade? See anything Thanksgiving related? While I will admit I did not watch the parade in its entirety, I counted three (3) Thanksgiving-themed floats, while nearly every other was bedecked hall-like with fake snow, elves, dancing Santa girls or bows of holly. With Turkey Day passed, now Christmas songs and movies are acceptable, though the November 16th airing of The Grinch did not go unnoticed.

The Official Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade Poster; Please point out
any aspect that indicates this parade honors the holiday of Thanks-
giving. (And if you say “Buzz Lightyear”, you’re wrong and a jerk)

To aid you in your gift searching, the Bohunk will be featuring one CHEAP item at random until Christmas Eve. Do not let the commercials fool you; you will not receive a Mercedes, an iPad and a flawless diamond this Christmas (unless you’re rich, you tax-dodging bastards) and no one expects those things from you (see above if you actually do expect those things). This inaugural gift is simple, inexpensive but intelligent. Bloodlands: Europe Between Hitler and Stalin by Timothy Snyder ($17.99, if you buy at Barnes and Noble) is a nice, thick history piece focused on the nations between Germany and Russia who spent the middle portion of the 20th century being either ruled and massacred by the Nazis during WWII or being ruled and massacred by Stalin and Soviet Russia. Most of this region was taken over in the ‘30’s by Stalin, who pushed the peasants from the ancestral farms and forced them onto commercials farms or to industrial zones. Ukrainians claimed that 3 million men were killed during this period before WWII; a 1937 census by the Soviet government found that over 8 million people had “disappeared.” Stalin was shocked; he then killed the demographers who were responsible for conducting the census. Snyder, an excellent writer and a brilliant historian, found that in 12 years over 14 million civilians were killed in Poland, the Baltic nations and Ukraine. It’s a great book for the history buff on your list. (Yours Truly)

Thanks for reading, and please take a moment to check out Livestrong.org to check out their gear. They are offering 28% off for the holiday season in honor of the 28 million living with cancer this year. Enjoy Monday Night Football, the San Francisco Squared Sevens vs. the Arizona Red Birds.

Iceman, Caffeinated Drunks, Newton and Nerds

Sorry folks, no Weekend Whorrior this Friday; I think the frigid air kept all the candidates snug in a stranger’s bed well after I left for class this morning. We can only hope some stronger, more resilient shamed women brave the elements next week…

Tomorrow is the Iceman Cometh mountain bike race, so the freshly fallen snow in Kalkaska and Traverse City is the perfect back drop for what might shake out to be one of the most hotly contested editions of the largest race in Michigan so far. US National Champ Jeremy Horgan-Kobelski (always fear a man with a hyphen) will try to repeat against the likes of Todd Wells of Specialized, Traverse City’s very own Larry Warbasse of BMC Racing and many other top professionals. The weather is expected to be freezing, and the overnight low of 26 should allow the picturesque dusting of snow to stick around well into tomorrow afternoon, when the pros take off at 4.30.

The Iceman route is 27 miles, beginning in downtown Kalkaska and finished along the trails of the VASA on the east side of Traverse City. Roughly 4,000 riders will participate, with the main wave of amateurs taking off at 9 am. It is the largest mountain bike race in the Midwest and only gets bigger each year. If you have some free time Saturday, make your way over to Timber Ridge to check out the finish. To see the pros cross the line, plan on arriving a little after 5.

In a “No shit, Sherlock” ruling the Bohunk has been watched for a few weeks now, the Michigan Liquor Commission banned energy drinks that contain alcohol, such as Four Loko. These drinks contain roughly 12% alcohol while containing roughly the same amount of caffeine as a tall Starbucks cofffee. The result; the caffeine (a stimulant) covers up the effects of the alcohol (a depressant) making college students believe they can consume more of both drug than is healthy. The effects felt in the brain do not match the effects felt in the body; drinking two of these cans, about 40oz, is the same as drinking 5 or six beers without “feeling” any effect…Until you begin to projectile vomit across the room. Also, because students think they are, “fine, man, I’m totally fine” they drive drunk. The drinks can also affect heart rate, as well as breathing and coordination, such as causing uncontrollable shaking. Illinois and Pennsylvania are also exploring a possible ban. Don’t drink this stuff; it’s just plain stupid.

Reports say that Randy Moss, suppposedly, instructed the Vikings’ owner to fire head coach Brad Childress. This might be the second “No shit, Sherlock” moment of the post today, but apparently the owner did not agree. Moss’ rant came after the loss to the Patriots (his former team) and just a few days before rumors of his release came to fruition. Now,I believe any 2-5 team’s coach, especially a team which had only one loss at this point last season, should be on the hot seat. One that completely mishandled his quarterback, offense and the Moss situation will surely be canned. Moss just said the obvious, which we all know one should never do to one's employer.

Heisman probable (it isn’t hopeful if you’ve pretty much won it) Cam Newton is now under investigation after reports surfaced that his representative, a person who works to match recruits to universities, sought some cash from schools he shopped Newton to. One figure, released from a trip to Mississippi State, put the sum at $200,000 to essentially buy Newton’s commitment to that school. The money never actually never exchanged hands, and Newton wound up at Auburn much later, but the idea that money was a factor is suspicious for Newton, Auburn, the SEC and the NCAA in general. While it is a crime that college football makes millions and the students only receive a fraction of the benefits through tuition costs, the rules are, as they say, the rules. Newton and his father have denied the allegations, and staff and administration from Auburn have given no comment. Newton transferred to Auburn after legal problems led to his dismissal from the University of Florida.

 

Welcome back to the free world, Mr. Carter. Lil’ Wayne was released from prison yesterday, an event treated in the US with the same celebration as South Africa offered for the emergence of Nelson Mandela back into society. Way to go, middle-to-upper class white high school students, you’ve successfully made Weezy feel embraced and venerated. Just wait till his record “drops'”…

Researchers crazy enough to explore this type of thing have found that a weak current of electricity flowing through the brain can help a person’s math skills improve for up to six months. The procedure produces no known side effects, though there is a chance will become so smart no one will want to talk to you, you freakin’ nerd-loser.

Who is the top team in the NFL? Cast your vote in the poll to the right, and the results will be posted next week.

Thanks for reading, enjoy the Iceman Cometh in Kalkaska and Traverse City, and be sure to bring a coat, it gets frigid up there when the wind is from the north. Have a great weekend, the Update will be back Monday.