Paris-Nice: Tony Martin Wins “Generation Battle”

The Paris-Nice is over with the Race to the Sun ending in clouds and ran after clammy weather for most of the race. Thomas “The Bold Frenchmen” won the final stage in yet another brave and long breakaway effort. The very, very German Tony Martin (HTC) retained the overall lead to win the race’s GC over also German Andreas Kloden of RadioShack.

The very, very German machine that is Tony Martin on his way to the TT win in the Paris-Nice…

Some writers have called the Kloden vs Martin fight for the overall “The Battle of the Generations”, alluding to the youth of Martin against the aged legs of Andreas Kloden. The Bohunk sees the obvious generation, but does not see the importance. There are a lot of older gentlemen in this race, not to mention the oldest man in the professional peloton, Jens Voight. The obvious intent of this juxtaposition is to show the future of cycling as clean and unassociated with the doping of the past. While that is more than fair to say, we run the risk of dragging racers without any history or evidence of doping through the mud. Kloden has ridden on teams with Jan Ulrich, Alberto Contador and Lance Armstrong, a convicted cheat, an exonerated champion and a suspected legend, respectively.  Kloden has had no links to doping at any of these stops, yet is insinuated as being associated with the shadowy professional peloton of the late 90s and early 00s.

The claims are not overt, but definitely present. As much as cycling fans can be thankful for the emphasis on clean and honest riders in the future (and believe me, that is the best thing we can ask for) we cannot write off all the riders of the past just by association or having had ridden with some bad eggs. That would be a terribly unfair way to deal with riders like Voight, Kloden and Leipheimer who have been heroes and outstanding advocates for cycling for over a decade.

Congrats to Tony Martin and his HTC team, and check back in later for the Tirreno-Adriatico stage report, or, as always, follow me on Twitter for Updates.

TC Training Camp: Day Three, and Stage 2 of Paris-Nice

The weather cooperated to a small degree today to allow for a rare jaunt into the “mountains” of Northern Michigan. The temperature was a balmy 35 degrees in town with an 8 mph wind from the south. The roads were mostly clear around town but near the tops of some of the climbs were spotted with piles of snow with no pavement exposed, meaning a precarious slip through on skinny tires. I did my normal climbing route except for one climb, which ended up being 5 climbs over 300 feet each. The legs are weak, but the lungs were better than I expected and my times on the climbs were not terrible considering my limited training. In Allendale, it would take all day to climb 400 feet, while the very first Col of the day on this ride was over 400 alone. The descents were a bit more dangerous and I took them with some degree of caution, tapping the brake occasionally and checking the shadows mud puddles for ice.

Thomas de Gendt wins on Stage One of Paris-Nice, donning the
Yellow Jersey for the second stage.

In the Paris-Nice, Greg Henderson of Team SKY won in a very close sprint in the second stage, edging out Robbie Hunter of RadioShack, Denis Galimzyanov of Katusha and a personal favorite of the Bohunk’s Heinrich Haussler (Garmim-Cervelo). The terrifying Peter Sagan of Liquigas-Cannondale) wound up fourth. The Bohunk is an excellent predictor of things, though admittedly better when Cheer-Babes are involved. For Paris-Nice, look out for Sagan for the overall. Remember that in a few days’ times…

Ruta del Sol: Winner Gets A Goofy Hat

Over at one of my favorite cycling events in Europe, the Ruta del Sol, Fran Ventoso sprinted to a win in the third stage. After dragging himself over some rated climbs, Ventoso and the other sprinters queued up with six km to go and hit the gas; Ventoso bested Juan Lobato and Davide Appollonio to take the win after being handed second place in a photo finish earlier in the Ruta. RadioShack man Markel Irizar retained his one second lead over Jurgen Van den Broeck and is looking good with just two sprinting stages left to go. Levi Leipheimer is in third two seconds back and looking strong against some of the top riders in the European peloton, including the Schlecks from LEOPARD-TREK (the sponsors of the team ask their names be capitalized; the Bohunk abides) and a surprising ride by Spanish rider Luis Pasamonte, in fifth.

“V'” for Ventoso!

Andy and Frank Schleck make their stage racing debut; its’ early,
folks….

Photo Montage Addition

After my Lance Armstrong retirement photo montage, the Bohunk received several emails about omissions. It is not possible to include every moment of a twenty five year cycling career, but after an email from a Belgian fan, I had to attach an important appendix to that post.

Armstrong goes it alone in the 2010 Tour.

In the 2010 Tour, Lance suffered a flat on the cobbles as the peloton, indeed, the race, was torn apart by Fabian Cancellara. While the Swiss Time Machine pounded away on the front, Lance was tacked on to the lead group of contenders until his front wheel went. He had to wait for a replacement, and, nursed along by teammate Yaroslav Popovych, trailed by over two minutes behind the favorites. Ahead on the road were the likes of Andy Schleck, Cadel Evans and Denis Menchov. Alberto Contador was the main benefactor. Before Lance’s flat, the Spaniard was about a minute behind. After, he ended up with over a minute buffer.

Armstrong used Popo as long as he could before going it alone, chasing down a small group ahead of him on the road to reduce his losses. He spent a lot of energy in the chase and ceded an awful lot of time to the main threats to the overall. Lance has won Tours and impressed Yours Truly many, many times, but this ride is still one of the most impressive and important. Even at 38, with the odds and critics against him, Armstrong still had enough to go after the race alone and give it his all. Cheesy? Absolutely. But without heroics and great stories, cycling is just suffering painful.

Big, Strong, German: Tony Martin Wins Tour of the Algarve

Alberto Contador avoided a one-year ban and very quickly joined the Tour of the Algarve on this past Wednesday, his first competition since the Tour last July after his suspension for doping. Contador held on Friday for a steep finishing climb to stay in the top five, but very, very German Tony Martin won the time trial that concluded the race to keep Alberto off the top step of the podium or even on it. Alberto finished well outside of the top ten on in the time trial but held on to fourth place overall, forty-one seconds behind Martin, who took the overall title.

Close but no clenbuterol: El Pistolero comes up short at the
Algarve.

Contador won the last two editions of the Tour of the Algarve and admitted after the race he was simply not in shape to win it again. Other riders have some racing miles in their legs and, coming off of his suspension, Contador has not pushed a pedal in anger since the second to last stage of the 2010 Tour de France.

RadioShack note: Tiago Machado, Jesse Sergent and Andreas Kloden all finished in the top five of stage six, and Kloden placed fifth overall for the race.

Lance Armstrong Montage

Lance Armstrong retired officially yesterday, indicating he will not ride the Quiznos Challenge or Tour of California in 2011. Lance won seven Tours de France, was a world champion and served as an inspiration for millions of cancer survivors while raising money and awareness through his foundation. Today, forget just for a moment the drug accusations and the federal investigation. Wasn’t it just fun to watch him race? Yes, I believe it was. The Bohunk can admit that there is an awful lot of indication of wrongdoing, but nothing has stuck yet. So, regardless if you hate Lance, or love him, and you probably aren’t in between, enjoy a few pictures from his amazing career….

A young, world champion Lance Armstrong and American Tour champ Greg LeMond…This may be the only friendly conversation the two ever had.

A grainy look at Lance on the brink. One of his later chemo treatments in the mid 90’s.

Sestriere in 1999: The attack that won him
the Tour and made him the best climber in
the world over Marco Pantani.

The Look: 2001, Lance takes a peep at rival Jan Ulrich. Lance went; Ulrich could not.

Lance won his seventh tour in 2005, and retired shortly after.

Comeback 2.0 resulted in a third at the Tour and, as Lance often said himself, it was a lot more work.

Crashes marred 2010, including this one at the Tour of California, the same day Floyd Landis began his campaign against Lance in the press.

We will leave Lance here, on his way to 23rd place at the Tour in 2010, but still riding well even at 38 years old.

(More) Proof: World Going To Hell Via Hand Basket

Saxo-man Contador cannot believe the Tainted Beef Story worked…see you at Algarve, Pistolero.

In cycling, typically, once a rider is suspended, an appeal is asked for by the rider, upheld, handled poorly over  a long period of time, then denied. Alberto Contador got his one year ban overturned, effective today and meaning “El Pistolero” will be eligible to join in for the Algarve racing event in Portugal later this week. It also means he’ll be there for the Giro d’Italia, the Tour de France and all the warm up races Tour contenders frequent in the months of April, May and June. So much for “zero tolerance”. The ruling completely ignored the evidence of plasticizers in Contador’s samples, which cannot be explained away by the old stand-by, tainted beef. This story is too old and, now, too frustrating, to continue on with. Barring anything dramatic, like a judicial admission of corruption or something thoroughly juicy, you will indeed see Contador in Italy and France this season, and, no doubt, contending for the podium in both events. You will. You just, my Dear Readers, will.

Tour of Qatar: Yes, There Is One

A quick Update on the Tour of Qatar after two stages are completed. The third stage is currently underway at the time I slapped “Publish”, so check out VeloNews for today’s finish and standings.
Garmin-Cervelo rider Heinrich Haussler took the second stage of the 2011 Tour of Qatar in a tight sprint of fellow Fast Men Daniele Bennati of Team LEOPARD-TREK (the sponsors asked to be all caps; not doing it every time) and Denis Galimzyanov of Katusha, not to mention Haussler’s old Cervelo pal Theo Bos, now with Rabobank.

Contador and Boonen are both stained riders. Boonen is returning from suspension while Contador is delaying the start of his….

Tom Boonen, back from a suspension for positive drug testing, has launched himself back into the international cycling fray by taking over the overall after a massive win on stage one. He leads by a tenth of a second over Haussler, though reports from the road currently have him in a group almost a minute back of the other favorites. Tom “Disco” Boonen has a lot of racing left to do before he is back to his old dominant self. Note: Whether you hate him or love him, it’s good to see Mark Cavendish slowly returning to form after a disastrous Tour Down Under last month. Mark rode most of that Tour in last place, le latern rouge, but has rebounded somewhat at Qatar, finishing twelfth on the second stage. It is nowhere near where he expects to be, but it is getting warmer all the time. 

The End of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Beef

Alberto Contador’s ban is official; one year. However, as noted in an article this morning on VeloNews.com, the official date of when his ban begins is up in the air. Contador has not raced at all since the Tour de France, skipping a handful of small races and criterium events for uncited reasons. We learned later that it was probably because he already learned about the positive test and he wanted to avoid having those results taken away as well. If the ban begins retroactively from the end of July and the conclusion of the Tour, Contador could then start the Vuelta. Riding in his home country’s race as a return to cycling would be an irresistible option for the Spaniard, and give him a chance to win a title for his new Saxo-Bank squad. No official date has been announced, though the matter should be cleared up very soon. Contador will hold a press conference today to reveal his reactions and any intent to appeal the ruling.

“Alberto, stop doing the little pistolero thing, you’re a
convicted doper now…”

*Since it has been resolve, the Bohunk sadly announces the greatest recurring article title ever known. Goodbye, The Case of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Beef. You will be missed whilst giggling.

Tainted Beef Conclusion and Chopin...

Reports from Espana (Spain, for my monolingual 'Merican audience) indicate that Two or Three time Tour de France champion Alberto Contador will likely be banned for one year after months of deliberation and investigation. The Spanish newspaper Marca and others are reporting that the decision on Alberto Contador and the Case of the Tainted Spanish Beef will be announced Thursday, resulting in a single year ban that would keep him from racing in any events this season. Reports from the Contador Camp say that they do not believe these early bits of leaked information, not even that the announcement will come Thursday. This is, frankly, an ugly time for cycling. If Contador doped last year, he has been doping the whole time. That means Armstrong's seven Tour wins, Landis' one and Contador's three represent over a decade of Tours won by cheaters. That is amazing; imagine the NFL investigating the last ten Super Bowl winners at the same time, and one team already admitting they had cheated. (Oh, right, the Patriots admitted to spying, but at least not in the Super Bowl) So, for a sport already struggling for sponsors and attention, the realization that even its best are fake, drugged up men in Lycra could be extremely damaging, even crippling. More on this on Thursday...

In other news, we recall the great pianist Frederic Chopin, who was said by his contemporaries to be the most astounding artist of his day (the Bohunk tends to agree). Chopin had a strange habit of losing consciousness and going into a dream-like state, even while performing before a packed audience. The Bohunk uses Chopin's sonattas to fall asleep; I never found Chopin's slumber all that surprising when I read of it. Now, however, Spanish doctors, apparently less busy after trying to exonerate Contador, have found that Chopin probably suffered from temporal lobe epilepsy, a condition that creates hallucinations that last from seconds to some minutes. Chopin claimed to be able to describe his dreams in very minute detail, another indication that these fits were in fact the result of epilepsy and not, as the novelist and very, very French person Aurore Dudevant claimed, "the manifestation of a genius full of sentiment and expression. Which would have been much cooler, but not scientifically viable.

Foxy Friday, Predicting Play-Offs with Cheer-Babes and Lasers….

It is Foxy Friday, ye happy, dear readers, but alas, there are important things to tackle first. The sour first, so that the sweet is found but sweeter…

First, in extremely nerdy but dear news to the Bohunk, the Best Amateur Astronomy images were announced by National Geographic yesterday. The yearly event celebrates the exploits of lonely, intelligent losers who spend their time snapping shots of far off nebulae and star bursts and the like; instead of taking creepy pictures of girls, they snap intimate portraits of far of celestial beauties. The European Southern Observatory holds the contest each year and acknowledge the efforts of the amateurs with prints and publication. This year, ten folks submitted the top twenty shots of various galaxies and objects, especially the Orion Nebula. Igor Chekalin (believe it or not, this is not the first time the Bohunk has heard of Igor; his shots are used regularly by the AP) took a cool, alternative view of Orion by using a lens to capture the cool dust around the center instead of the more popular hydrogen gas in the region, which is burning and actually emits its own light. A few of the top twenty are below;

Igor’s top pic of the Orion Nebula…

Another shot by Igor, different galaxy though…

 

The ‘Wheeled One"’, physicist Stephen Hawkings made his annual trip to Caltech to whip up the troops in the field of physics, saying that, as a youngster, his father had pushed him toward medicine. Hawkings, the author of numerous works, including the groud-breaking-yet-accessible A Brief History of Time, obviously found a different calling in a expanding and dynamic field. Attendees of the conference hailed Hawkings as “the nerd Pope” as he rolled along a red carpet to a standing ovation. The 69 year old is still an exceedingly popular speaker, though, as many may know, he uses a computerized mechanism to do so. He also praised the acceptance and equality in the field of physics, which he says is unbiased based on university or school the scientists works at or went to; the ideas are what prove to be most important.

Lasers are science fiction, usually blasted wildly and with terrible accuracy by incompetent Storm Trooper who couldn’t bulls-eye a wamp rat at two meters, let alone twelve! But in the last science piece of the day, the Bohunk formally announced the existence of lasers for military purpose. And not, mind you, little dinky creations of little to no value. Nay, the Navy announced it has a ‘death ray’ that is nine months ahead of schedule in development. The free electron laser will be used primarily to shoot down incoming missiles and fighters, defending aircraft carriers and support fleet. Operating at right around the speed of sound (remember, nothing can go as fast as light) an electron is isolated and then accelerated by one of the world’s most advanced accelerator toward a target based on optics and radar information. In the future, the Navy is looking to develop more powerful and more efficient FEL (free electron lasers) that are more accurate and even more concise, shortening a beam to just a few feet to allow for repeated firings at multiple targets. Cool? You bet your sweet ass it’s cool!

In Tour Down Under news, Michael Matthews of Rabobank took Stage 3 to continue Australian dominance of the home tour. Fellow Aussie Robbie McEwen started the day in the ochre jersey, but lost it to Matt Goss, its former wearer. Last year’s winner and this year’s favorite Andre Greipel sits two seconds back from Goss by two seconds ahead of Robbie McEwen of Team RadioShack. A personal favorite, Ben Swift the winner of Stage 2, is comfortably within striking distance in fifth…I ain’t sayin’ nothin’, I’m just sayin’…

Looking ahead to the AFC and NFC Championships, the Bohunk was looking for a way to select a winner in each game. If you, Dear Readers, have been paying attention, the Bohunk’s hoped-for Super Bowl will not come to fruition. The Flying Elvii were bounced, but the Packers of the Bay Verre are still alive. My loathing of both the Steelers and Jets is well-documented; if the Bohunk sees Rex Ryan hoist the Lombardi Trophy, I may never tune in to a Super Bowl, because Ryan is proof that it can be one while being simply arrogant and brash, not super at all. So, the Bohunk is reverting to what the Bohunk knows best, and that, my friends, is Cheer-Babes. By closely examining the level of Cheer-Babe professionalism of each squad, the Bohunk can usually determine a winner. First, we look at the Bears and Packers (below):

Bears are one of only 3 teams without Cheer-Babes…

 

And the Packers are another!

What the hell? Neither team has Cheer-Babes…No one wins…Moving on…What? What the deuce? The Steelers are the third team without cheerleaders! All three teams without Cheer-Babes have a shot at the Really Good Bowl this year. Is the earth off axis? Hath Hell, as I have claimed, frozen over? Yes, yes it has. The Bohunk picks the Jets to win, on the sole reasoning that Cheer-Babe professionalism is a vital support system when a team needs to play De-de-de-defense…Here is a picture of them…

Finally, we come to the Fox of the Week. This one is a bit of a plug for a crappy Adam Sandler movie due out soon, Just Go With It. In a sort-of remake of Big Daddy, Sandler has to deal with kids and eventually ends up with the girl. This Fox, however, is the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition fixture Brooklyn Decker. Brooklyn is also the wife of tennis star Andy Roddick, to note. Enjoy!

Can’t come up with anything remotely clever with this on my screen….

Enjoy the NFL this weekend, folks, because it is almost gone and done with. Just four more football games will be played before the season ends, and one of those is the loaf-fest that is the Pro Bowl. Lap it all up, waft the scents of pigskin joy, for it will be but a happy memory by the second weekend of the next month….

Back on Monday, probably; due to high homework demands and middling post views these past weeks, the Update may become a weekly instead of a daily. But that is to be decided. Enjoy the weekend and, as always, thanks for reading….

Allegations, Grimaces, and a Good-Bye…

Thursday, folks, but, you already knew that….Let’s get to it…

Hell hath frozen over; if you are buying a coffee from Starbucks, there is now an app for that. Apple unveiled an app made to make the unthinkable a reality; you can now purchase a latte or Frappuccino if you forgot your wallet. The app allows you to put money on an account, then, upon walking to the counter, scan your phone (which briefly displays a barcode) and make your order. How that is in anyway faster than simply swiping your credit or debit card, I have absolutely no idea, but, it is not to the Bohunk to question why. If you want to ooze Starbucks affiliation, this is the app for you….

Researches have spotted a disturbing trend in elevated suicide rates for National Guard or Reserve soldiers, most typically while not deployed. The number of suicides of non-active reservists nearly doubled last year, from 80 to 145. A major contributing factor (besides repeated deployments to a warzone) is the logistical problem of providing access to counseling and post traumatic stress experts in the States. The broken marriages and relationships, lost jobs and difficulties faced by a prolonged absence are contributing factors, but the Army is clueless, especially about the dramatic rise. One commander, a Maj. General Raymond Carpenter says that roughly half of the suicides in his company are attributable to troubled relationships at home. Many experts are hoping that a universal network of counselors will be established, both in theaters of war and in the US, in order to provide expense-paid access to help upon returning home. The war is not only fought afar….

Carla Swaft riding for South Africa at Worlds…

In more sad news (my apologies), the cycling community honors the loss of Carla Swart, a 23 year old cyclist killed yesterday while on a training ride in South Africa. Swart was a promising star for HTC-Highroad entering her first full season with the pro squad. She was a college student who balanced an international racing schedule along with the demands of homework and family life. In the cycling community, any loss is widely mourned as if it were a very close friend, and for many, Carla was. Her alma mater, Lees McRae College is already working to establish a scholarship in her honor, to be awarded to a female cyclist each year. You can donate to this fund by sending a check to Lees-McRae College with a note of ‘Carla Swart Scholarship ‘ in the memo line. Here is the address:

Lees-McRae College Office of Advancement
P.O. Box 128, Banner Elk, NC 28604

A not-so-fond farewell; Juan Pelota faces more charges than ever before….

Ben Swift of Team Sky won the second stage of the Tour Down under while Team RadioShack sprinter took the overall lead, donning the ochre jersey as top man. The sprint finish was marred by a violent high-speed crash in the closing kilometers of the race. One of the most scarred and bloodied riders was the sprint favorite Mark Cavendish, who sustained some ugly cuts and bruises when someone hit some gravel in the road while rounding a tight, congested corner late in the stage which ended in Mannum. With several stages left to go, the sprinters are still at the top of the standings with other contenders lurking back. Still no moves from the likes of Armstrong, Gerrans and Porte in the lack of any real climbs, leaving the likely win to a sprinter or a rider with lots of power. Armstrong is catching flak after rumors and allegations of doping in the early 90s have risen after a Sports Illustrated article was partially leaked two days ago, as reported in the Update yesterday. It documents, or claims to, that Armstrong tested positive for unnatural testosterone to epitestosterone levels of 9:1, 7.6:1 and 6.5:1 over a four years span. It alleges that the Olympic Committee, or members of the Committee, tested athletes in private to avoid public positives and then allowed the drugs to deplete before submitting the rider to public tests. All of this is according to notes taken in the over a decade long span ending around the period of the 2000 Sydney games in Australia. Representatives from Armstrong say they have no comments.

President Obama welcomed our overlord, or landlord, or Chinese President Hu Jintao, or whatever you’d like to know him by, to the White House today to talk currency and trade issues. The talks were ungainly and slow due to translation delays, but Obama says he made frank remarks about the poor human rights record China is infamous for, and also the lack of effort to strengthen China’s currency, the yuan. The Chinese leader repeatedly failed to reply to certain questions and statements, claiming at times not to understand the translator (he brought his own, mind you) and declined to divulge any detailed plans of bringing about more freedoms in his country. Conversely, Obama acknowledges that the US is neck-deep in debt to the diminutive Hu, and the aloofness of the visiting diplomat is uncannily similar to someone stopping by to see if his tenant will be able to make rent by the end of the month. (Obama: “Check’s in the mail, bro, promise.”)

Those aren’t smiles; these men despise each other so much a grimace is all they can
manage for the cameras. The Bohunk wonders what they are muttering under their
breaths…

  Another short and sweet Update, enjoy NBC’s Thursday night line-up, all new, and don’t panic; 30 Rock has moved to 10. Don’t have a cow. Thanks for reading, now you can go back and check Facebook again….

Telescopes, Foot Fetishes, The Prolific Father, and Haiti

It's Wednesday, the Day of the Hump and Modern Family on ABC. Not the worst day of the week, if you don;t believe its nasty reputation. And it sure beats the piss out of Monday, without question....

A suicide bomber killed four in Afghanistan yesterday when he detonated his explosives just outside the nation's Parliament building. In a separate incident, a bomb killed four NATO soldiers while on patrol. Still three more were killed in a Taliban strike on a security depot near Kabul. The situation in Afghanistan is deteriorating and it will be up to the police and other security forces to respond in the face of rising tension and violence. With the US now firmly departing in the near future, with some units already being called home, the meager and provenly unreliable security forces will be the only defense against these types of attacks. They have little or no history of success, and, in fact, are more noted in Western media for thorough corruption, violence and a repeated reluctance to engage enemy forces. The Bohunk is not a military expert, though I watch a lot of History Channel, so I can predict that those forces are not very reassuring.

If you frequent hobby shops and the like, you may have noticed that telescopes are expensive. Europe, which is an entity with deeper pockets than thou, is showing of the Planck space telescope which has been giving astronomers some dazzling views of deep space that we have never witnessed before. The Planck space telescope has discovered over 15,000 new celestial objects and 30 all-new galaxy clusters. The telescope is 937,000 miles from earth but still orbiting in our atmosphere, scanning the universe and looking through a fog of microwaves that exist in the void. The fog is caused by the constant and impossibly numerous granules spinning around themselves and colliding with others at several billion times a second. These granules collide with themselves, fast moving atoms and particles, and packets of ultraviolet light. Now that we can 'see' (which, remember, we can't; we only see aspects of the waves of a very distant light, and only through a severely limited spectrum) these far and distant places, we can learn very much about our universe and its behavior. Is the universe accelerating in expansion equally in all directions? Might there be, in the far distance, aspects of the universe we have not discovered in our own galaxy? We don't know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

In the on-going case of Contador and the Tainted Spanish Beef, UCI President Pat McQuaid believes that Contador will not be able to resolve his doping issues and to compete in next year's Tour de France. The Spanish Federation regarding sports is handling the case, but even if it comes to a conclusion by the end of the month, an appeal by Contador or the UCI would drag the case on for even more time, almost certainly more than the few months left before the big race in July. While under suspension, Contador cannot participate in cycling events, making it nearly impossible to mimic race conditions and fitness. Frankly, the Pint-sized Pistolero from Pinto will not be involved in racing this season, and it will be very interesting, and no doubt a testament to his character, to see if he fulfills his vow to quit if he is found guilty. McQuaid believes his absence will fuel other riders to vie for the top step in Paris. The Bohunk says the Schlecks are going to extremely powerful, but do not count out Cadel Evans, one of my favorite riders and a man coming off a terrific and gritty 2010. Denis Menchov and Carlos Sastre from Geox could also be dangerous, especially in this climber's course.

Those New York Jets sure can talk, talk, talk. From "Hard Knocks" to the Spanish reporter incident to Rex Ryan foot fetish videos, they are rarely closed-mouth. Reporters pointed out that, while the Patriots routed the Jets 45-3, the Flying Elvii quarterback gesticulated toward the Jets' sidelines, seemingly taunting them. Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie said that Brady "can't throw the ball" if he "beat(s) the s@#$ out of his receivers" a charge that is both accurate but, unfortunately, assault, not football. He must not have discovered such a tactic in their last meeting, as he gave up numerous chunks of yards and touchdowns. Cromartie was not hot last weekend against the Young Horses, giving up massive touchdowns to Pierre Garcon and looking, at times, quite bewildered. As a testament to his personality, note, my dear reader, that Cromartie has nine children with eight women in six different states. He also been named in five paternity suits in just the past two years, so it is entirely possible he has more kids. He famously, or infamously, failed to remember his kids' names in an episode of "Hard Knock" and, during that same time, received a $500,000 advance from the Jets to pay outstanding child support payments. As if I would doubt the Best Team In The NFL, I also needed no more reason to root against the Jets. On, ye Flying Elvii, and take that rounded orb across the plane of the End Zone!

The Haitian earthquake happened exactly one year ago today. Less than 5% of the country has been repaired, and no person escaped the event without the loss of a loved one. Over 250,000 people died when a 7.0 sized earthquake struck at 4.53 local time. Today, at that hour, the nation will observe a moment of silence for those lost and many will attend church services to honor the dead and to observe the plight of the 800,000 people still in temporary, make-shift shelters and camps. Former President Bill Clinton will be in the capital Port-au-Prince attending a church service and looking at reconstruction crews and Red Cross work around the capital. If you have a moment, think of the disaster and those affected by it.

That will have to be it for the Bohunk, as I am quite busy nursing my beloved after her car accident. Thanks for reading, everyone, and come on back tomorrow for more news and snide comments.

Foxy Friday, Influential Polygons, Leopard-Trek and Nebulae…

It’s Foxy Friday, my dear readers, but we will put that aside for now to tackle some of the bigger issues of the day. No, not Snooki’s book, real, real, REAL news….

The Pentagon, the most influential polygon, says it plans to cut $100 billion in upcoming budgets. It says the Army and Marines will shrink by roughly 47,000 troops or about 6%, the first reduction in defense structure since before September 11, 2001. The troop shrink will hit full tilt but 2015, conveniently as all withdrawals are made in Iraq, and Afghan security forces are expected to take over all operations in their country. To completely look like a dick, Defense Secretary Robert Gates says the budget cuts were not motivated for a long-term push for peace; instead, he says the international recession is the major influence for the move, not, again, in the interest in peace or diplomacy. Only “extreme fiscal duress” could cause the Armed Forces to retract in size and scope. Heaven forbid we spend that sum on education, health care or social security. Gates, the ballsy son of a bitch, was quick to point out that further budget matters would be addressed by Congress and the President, and that the decreased size of the military may not be a permanent action, but a mere short term road block. Now, the Pentagon is itching to cut health care benefits to defense department retirees, which is a massive portion of the department’s budget. In five years it is expected to be well over $65 billion, a conservative number considering the tens of thousands of veterans from Iraq and Afghanistan that will still need long-term care, in addition to normal coverage. The Bohunk proposes: Make the Pentagon operate on the same budget as social security, or enlist the elderly. Or both. Then they wouldn’t be so quick to bomb brown people in the Middle East…

“Don’t worry, we will be back to our current capacity to murder and kill in a few years.
Taxpayers won’t pay for each other’s insurance, but they sure as heck enjoy spending
a million smackarooneys on a bomb that can kill hundreds. That, they’ll go for.”
~Robert Gates (Not really, but damn close)

Out in space, the Lagoon Nebula is looking good. New photos are out of the nebula, a region of budding stars four or five thousand light years away. The Visible and Infrared Survey Telescope at the European Southern Observatory (long ass name, huh?) in Chile snapped the pictures, some of the most detailed astronomical photos of the new millennium. The nebula is similar in many aspects to our own Milky Way and could reveal hints of how galaxies, star systems and even planets are formed. Look at how very far we have come; just a century before, many people were quite sure the Milky Way was the universe, and that the Earth was very much at the center of it. Then, we discovered some more galaxies, and now we imagine (because we have such limited technology we can’t prove a lick of what we know outside mathematical theorem) there to be billions of galaxies, and that our own little planet is really on the outer edge of a galaxy quite non-central in the universe. As Bill Bryson is quick to say, “We haven’t the foggiest idea.” We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

The Lagoon Nebula. Perhaps, therein lies some alien creature. Maybe. Just Maybe.

  In answer to my Dear Brother’s question from this morning, “Who the fuck is Michele Bachmann?”, I have gathered evidence enough to conclude the following: nobody. Bachmann is a (oh, you guessed it, didn’t you?) Republican Representative from Minnesota who is attractive, overly talkative and completely unqualified in any way whatsoever to hold the highest office in these United States. She will probably run for President, backed by tons of TeaBaggers and their money, though she is very actively not-denying that she has a potential interest in perhaps, should the conditions arise, maybe, run. This sort of wishy-washy non-commitment hogwash is the same tactic chicks used in high school to run for Prom Court. She says maybe, but inside, she is dreaming of puffy sleeves and a tiara. She is big on small government. She wants to ‘repeal’ the health care plan, and ‘repeal’ Obama in 2012. To note, you cannot repeal a person. That’s stupid. But essentially, she follows the GOP line and deviates only to pander to the Tea Party. What a ‘rogue’. So, in the interest of every American, please Bachmann, run. Because if America has to pick between you and Sarah Palin, Obama will win.

You’ve made it, kind sir (or madame) to the Fox of the Week. This installment features the wonderful Scarlett Johansson. She began her career in 1994 in North a picture some might remember but most didn’t see. Perhaps her biggest break came with the Great Bill Murray in Lost In Translation, which was best described to the Bohunk by my father, Joe (who looks and acts uncannily like Bill Murray, it should be noted) as a film which entailed, “A lot of staring out windows and looking bored or something artistic and shit.” However, people did see that movie and seemed to rather like it. The Bohunk’s personal favorite Johansson flick is The Prestige, also starring Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman, flanked by Michael Caine as well. If you haven’t seen it, do so immediately. To disappoint more than a few readers who are uninformed, Scarlett is married to Ryan Reynolds, who is more handsome and affluent than you are.

Scarlett Johansson: Timeless beauty. God Bless Sweden.

Team Leopard-Trek was unveiled today, the Luxemburg Project that was spear headed by the Schleck Brothers, formerly of Saxo-Bank. The siblings pulled along the meat AND potatoes of their former squad, including Fabian “Spartacus” Cancellara, the world’s greatest time trialist  and Classics champ. The squad includes:

• Daniele Bennati (Ita), Liquigas-Doimo – sprinter, classics
• Fabian Cancellara (Swi), Saxo Bank – classics, TTs
• Stefan Denifl (Aut), Cervélo – climber, attacker
• Brice Feillu (Fra), Vacansoleil – climber, stage-hunter
• Jakob Fuglsang (Den), Saxo Bank – all-rounder
• Linus Gerdemann (Ger), Milram – all-rounder
• Dominic Klemme (Ger), Saxo Bank – worker, attacker
• Anders Lund (Den), Saxo Bank

The Bohunk casually predicts two Grand Tour wins (Giro and France) and the Roubaix and Milan-San Remo. Paris-Nice could go either way, depending on Contador’s suspension. The UCI recently ranked its teams, with Leopard-Trek taking the top spot over win-factories like HTC-Columbia, Rabobank and Garmin-Cervelo. The team has a ton of firepower and committed domestiques, a dangerous professional combination. The Bohunk is awaiting a contract offer…

Thanks for reading and enjoy a great weekend. The Bohunk will be checking in from the road, but back again on Monday with all new stuff, back in Allendale and the Grandest Valley State University. Chapeau!

New Years Eve, Google vs Facebook, and Well-Wishing…

Good morning, and as you find yourself on this Friday morning you do, I hope, with the realization that the year 2010 is but hours from its end and this little sphere we call home, has been hurdling around an exploding ball of helium and hydrogen for 365 days to return to square one.

In fact, we have been zooming right along at about 65,000 miles per hour for every second of out annual trip, a trip we have made roughly 4.6 billion times since our planet was formed, even back when our sun was weak and dim. And our world will keep on zooming around for untold billions of years, or until the sun expands as it dies and eats up first Mercury and Venus, then our little ball of fun itself.

In Ivory Coast news, Great Britain has announced that is will support military intervention should the international community agree to implement force to expel entrenched ex-president Laurent Gbagbo. The British government has voiced concerns that the political struggle in the country could develop into genocide or other forms of ethnic cleansing while the international peace keepers would be keep from assisting by reservations on acting on political disputes. Other bodies with armed forces, such as the US and UN, have not yet voiced readiness to assist in peacekeeping duties.

In 2010, Facebook officially passed Google as the number one website in the world. Not a bad year for the internet, either, as the WikiLeaks organization swiped hundreds of thousands cables from diplomats, among millions of other bits of information, and embarrassed the governments of nearly every western and eastern industrialized nation.

Have a tremendous New Years Eve and enjoy your New Year as well. The world has survived yet another journey around the Sun, daintily stepping past asteroids and comets, shrugging off trillions of trillions of cosmic particles that actually travel through it (and us) each second only to begin again anew. All the best to you and yours, and the Bohunk will return in 2011 with a 3% increase in effort to match the GDP.

Contador, Book of Year and the NFL Play-Offs…

Welcome back to the Update after a wonderful Christmas. With any luck, you received the gift of the season… Love. Not an iPad. Or a Mercedes. But those things were much more popular this year…

Some professional football players had great holidays. The Green Bowl Packers beat the New York G-Persons in embarrassing fashion, so far ahead by the fourth that the G-Persons couldn’t even collapse and cede 28 points in 8 minutes like last week. The NFC is clearing up, slowly, like the figure of a mysterious form emerging from some London fog. The Packers beat the Bears next week, and they are in the playoffs. The Eagles have essentially won the NFC with the G-Persons loss, though they will have to avoid a loss in their two remaining games, including the postponed tilt against the Minnesota Hyberboreans on Tuesday. The New Orleans Saints can clinch a playoff spot by beating the Falcons tonight, though the Dirty Birds are already decidedly 1) the best team in the NFC and 2) the winners of the NFC South.

The Return of Aaron Rodgers: Down with the G-Persons!

Over in the AFC, the Kansas City Chefs and the Baltimore Nevermores got in the playoffs yesterday while the Indy Young Horses (Young Studs, last year, merely horses after a mediocre season so far) won the AFC South in every aspect but the trophy yesterday whilst beating the Oakland Marauding Forcers. The Bolts are out of contention, but Phil Rivers’ adversary, Tom Brady is in. The Flying Elvii (named the Best Team In The NFL October 13th here on the Update) are in with home field advantage and free mochas from Starbucks, too.

In a short note, Mike Singletary has been fired by the Niners of San Francisco. Many fans noted he lacked the requisite flowers in his hair, and also performed poorly at the helm of the Bohunk’s sixth favorite team. The Niners are 5-10 this year, and were knocked from playoff hopes by the Rams yesterday. Singletary will return to his role of haunting retired quarterbacks around the country….

“I know I’ve mishandled by quarterbacks, defense and front office, but I’m wearing a cross
necklace, you can’t fire me!” said a dejected Mike Singletary…

Laurent Gbagbo, the entrenched and illegal President of the Ivory Coast, warns that any attempt to remove him from his role in government would certainly spark a deadly civil war. He claims he is the country’s true leader after quickly an election committee threw out thousands of votes for Gbagbo’s opponent, Allasane Ouattara last month. Both claimed the seat of power, but a loyal military force kept Gbagbo in office. International bodies like the UN and EU have voiced their desire for Gbagbo to step down, though none have gone as far as the contribute military backing. The supporters of each candidate are squared off and ready for war. A few hundred have already been killed in skirmishes. West African is pushing for the use of force to remove Gbagbo. More as this unfolds…

Julian Assange, the very Australian  and James-Bond-villain-looking founder of WikiLeaks, has announced that he will use the money from his book deal to pay for the costs of his legal defense. He will receive roughly $800,000 from the American publication and about the same from his British publisher, though it will gain more in serialization there. Very recently Assange remarked that WikiLeaks would not have the income to pay for site maintenance, legal suits and Assange’s personal lawsuit wherein he is charged with sexual assault. He may also be gearing up for an indictment by the US on terrorism and espionage charges. US diplomats have all been quick to throw around the “T-Word” with Assange, painting him in a more and exponentially increasing diabolic light. The Bohunk wonders if he could help figure out how to block spam, that’s really annoying…

To understand why people are so depressed in the world, the Bohunk throws up the following four headlines, then moves on in hopes of keeping his Dear Readers out of counseling…

“3 Dead in Afghan Car Bombing” ~ Voice of Amercia

“14 Children Killed in Chinese Road Accidents” ~ Voice of America

“At Least 7 Killed in Iraq Blast” ~ Voice of America

“Bus Crash Kills eight Americans in Egypt” ~ Fort Worth Star Telegram

President Obama is reportedly spending his holiday break “hanging ten” in Hawaii but also working to reconfigure is White House staff for 2011, and, perhaps more importantly, for 2012 and his re-election bid. Four or five changes have already been made, including bouncing Rahm Emmanual as Chief of Staff and replacing him with the gentlemanly reserved Peter Rouse. Obama has also voiced that intends to spend more time outside of the capital, leaving Washington to do some good ol’ fashioned politicking around the nation and giving his face and support to his causes. It will also serve as a long-term campaign platform to get his message out to voters well before 2012..Though New Hampshire has its first election meetings this July, over a year and a half from Election Day 2012. We have already suffered from Christmas Creep, and now, we have Election Creep with which to contend as well. Most of the candidates running in the primaries won’t even announce their intent to run until four or five months after the first New Hampshire election debates are held. Unless Sarah Palin announces early, argues against herself, loses, but wins by default….

Alberto Contador and the Case of the Tainted Spanish Beef will enter 2011 unsolved and on-going. No word out of the Spanish Federation on a Contador verdict yet, with Contador still suspended. The Two or Three time Tour de France champ tested positive July 21st for clenbuterol, and for the past four months has alternatively fought for his innocence and shrunk from the press altogether. He has been quoted as voicing his intention to retire if suspended, or racing all three Grand Tours in 2011 if he is not. He said he would not comment on accusations to the press until the case was resolved, only to comment the very next day. He is in his hometown of Pinto, Spain training and attended camp with his new Saxo-Bank Sungard squad with boss Bjarne Riis in the late fall. His old squad, Astana, signed Denis Menchov and fellow Bohunk Roman Kreiziger to replaced him and his Merry Band of Spanish Gypsies, like Navarro and Hernandez, who follow Contador about wherever he may roam. With any luck, this case will be resolved early in 2011…At least before Lance Armstrong’s final race at the Tour Down Under….

Two or three time champ Alberto Contador…Hence the thumb.

In other cycling news, Team RadioShack signed veteran and very Australian sprinter Robbie McEwen, a fixture in the pro peloton for the past ten years. A winner of the green jersey and many TdF stages, McEwen was left without a pro ride when Pegasus, an Australian project, did not receive a professional license from the UCI. Robbie McEwen and South African sprinter Robbie Hunter hopped alongside other very old cyclists Levi Leipheimer, Chris Horner, Lance Armstrong and others for the 2011 season. A special note: Robbie McEwen named his son, knowing how funny it sounds, Ewan. Ewan McEwen.

For the 2010 Book of the Year, the Bohunk broke it down into two categories, non-fiction and fiction, because, as we all know, one mustn’t compare apples with citrus fruit. The criteria was based on three components; Sales, reviews and topic. For example, the Bohunk looked at the ranking of the book, the reviews from different sites and the subject matter of Decision Points by George “Dubya” Bush and found it wanting in nearly every area, most pointedly, truth.

The non-fiction Book of the Year is The Warmth Of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America’s Great Migration by Isabel Wilkerson. The Pulitzer-Prize winning Wilkerson put together one of the most well-written and accessible study of the migration of black citizens to the North over many years in the hopes of living a better life. Stories of individuals and the attitudes of a nation are discussed, and Wilkerson finds a perfect and respectful balance between the emotion and plight of the individual and sociological attitude and reaction of an entire culture. You can order it here from Barnes and Noble.

The fiction Book of the Year for 2010 is the hilarious Earth by Jon Stewart. The guise of a joking, almost sneering volume of Daily Show sarcasm does not cover up entirely the intelligence of the book itself. The premise is light; Stewart and his team made a book to tell aliens or the discoverers of the remains of the human race what humans were all about. Religion, politics, society and why it all is important….Nothing is left unscathed, and the faux-effort for explaining each is hilarious but reflective. It all conveniently fit into 256 pages and costs only $17 bucks on sale, here.

That’s it for the Bohunk, thanks for reading and please, be careful getting back into the grind this week….Ease back gingerly, and stretch. Nothing is so lingering an injury than a pulled groin.  

Sleep and Obesity, Rich Ginger, and Narnia…

Whew! With any luck, and a bit of bed rest, you’ve had time to recover from the excitement that was the ceremonial naming of Sportsperson of the Year…Relax, this time, nothing as colossal as that happens. But read anyway…

Time recently named Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg “Person of the Year” and received a lot more attention than the Bohunk with such an award. Zuckerberg created the largest social networking medium in the history of the world. Nearly 500 million people around the globe log in to update their status and stalk each other’s pictures, all on the most complex and integrated network on the face of the earth. Facebookers represent one-twelfth of the world population, and though one may not recognize it, Facebook is a world phenomena. If Facebook’s users were a country, it would be the third largest in the world, only behind China and India. And though users may not realize it, but 70% of Facebook users live outside the US. Zuckerberg definitely reaped the benefits of his network’s popularity; his estimated net worth is around $6.9 Billion (that’s a B, you’ll be sure to note) at the ripe old age of 26. Not bad for a guy with red hair and partial color blindness (he can see blue the best, which is why it’s Facebook’s dominant color) and a Harvard drop-out. Congrats on being named Person of the Year, Mark….Perhaps one day you’ll earn the more prestigious award of the same name given by the Bohunk….Don’t lose sleep waiting for it, either….

Creepy soulless ginger Mark Zuckerberg…

Techies who claim to know such things have stuck the proverbial fork in Microsoft for being almost completely absent in the tablet market. While Apple has hit it big with its iPad, and mobile phone manufacturers like Samsung have introduced their own tablets, none run using Microsoft operating systems and many have adopted the Android OS because Microsoft has no viable contribution to the emerging market. Intel is also lacking a platform for a tablet, though many claim that Microsoft’s failure is more alarming because the company had always been well ahead of the competition in anticipating market trends. With new tablets soon to emerge, including efforts by Google, Samsung, and a new iPad 2 by Apple, many manufacturers are making a second model before Microsoft has even made one platform. Some have claimed it will the end of Microsoft; the Bohunk says, “No, sir, not quite so very fast.” Microsoft is too smart and too big to go quietly. Tablets are still a relatively TINY market compared to notebooks, laptops and even desktops, and Microsoft still dominates in those areas.

Would you like to be a more attractive person? Two separate studies have contributed some obvious but reaffirming information. Young adults, ages 19-30, who are active and at a healthy weight level can avoid gaining the average weight gain of their mid to late 30’s by staying active and staying below obesity rates. The study showed that people who were obese as a young adult became morbidly obese in their thirties, while those at a healthy BMI (Body Mass Index) only gained negligible weight even into their forties. The study suggests that as little as 4% of obese people at the age of 25 will ever return to a healthy weight over the course of the rest of their life. In the second study, researchers found that people who get at least 8 hours of sleep and do so at regular intervals (go to bed and wake at roughly the same time) have a remarkably better look. The study followed young adults and also parents to monitor the effect their sleeping habits had on their appearance and personality. People who stayed up past 11 o’clock and slept in past 10 am were irritable, grouchy and looked like Hell, (trust me, those pictures were alarming) while those who slept regular hours, usually 10 pm to 8 am, looked better and had a more positive outlook. One researcher claimed regular sleeping patterns might even make a person age much more slowly. So the next time you pull an all-nighter, think, perhaps, of the future and GO TO BED!

Sofia Vergara: She must sleep constantly. Congrats on the Golden Globes
nomination, Fox.

A suicide bomber killed 39 worshippers in Iran yesterday at a mourning ceremony outside a mosque in southeastern Iran. The Iranian government quickly announced that it believes the US is responsible for the attack, citing the use of advanced techonolgy and intelligence. The mourning ceremony was in honor of the death of Imam Hussein, supposedly the descendent of the Muslim prophet Muhammad who lived in the 7th century. Most of the worshippers were Shiite, and no claims for responsibility for the attack have been heard, though many suspect that the large Sunni population in the area could also be suspected. The US government, at the time of my hitting “Publish” on this baby, had made no comment to confirm or deny their involvement in the incident.

For a quick review of the recently Bohunk-ed Candide by Voltaire, I offer this book as the best read ever in a span of 137 pages. The story of a young man, Candide, who by trial and strife is forced from his home and to cross the globe in search of his love. His teacher, the philosopher Pangloss, tells him that his home of Westphalia is “the best of all possible worlds.” Candide and Pangloss live by the mantra of “everything is for the best” though they are hanged, kicked from their country, whipped, flogged, abandoned, robbed, burned and beaten. Voltaire repeatedly mentions some of his own sneering critics in the book, labeling them liars and thieves. The adventures of Candide are hilarious and cruel and equally so. It is an absurdist work, and contrary to what many claim, it is not an examination of the origin of evil or the immorality of mankind. Instead, Voltaire looks at how the individual reacts to injustice; each character or member of Candide’s band has fair claim to being the most mistreated by the world, but Candide and Pangloss seem to bear all with a positive heart and learn to live life for the very admirable reason of living. You can get it at Barnes and Noble here.

 
Jesus, shoot, I mean Aslan, the most easily identifiable Christ allegory. 

The new Chronicles of Narnia flick is in theaters and is atop the Box Office earnings list. The Bohunk is quite interested in how many of the books will actually be made into the film. For those who have not finished all of the books, the series ends SPOILER ALERT DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE INTENTION OF READING THE BOOKS with all the children dying while battling an army of what C.S. Lewis allegorically represented extremists Islamic soldiers. Way back in the day, Lewis already was quite sure that Muslims would begin to start trouble in the new millennium. The dead kids are then brought to what Lewis presents as Heaven, which is a version of Narnia ruled over by Jesus, I mean Aslan. The king of the Muslims is also there, however, and Jesus, dang it, sorry, I mean Aslan, says that the Supreme Being doesn’t care what religion you follow as long as you have a true and noble heart. Can the American public accept this type of ending? They would never accept a Muslim in “Heaven” (ruled, again, by a talking lion) let alone all the hero children being slain in a violent but bloodless (look at their swords in the last two movies; no blood, even when they stab an enemy combatant) battle scene.

In the on-going case of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Beef case, WADA officials have leveled quite frankly that the minute amount of clenbuterol found in Contador’s positive test July 21st is enough to be banned and punished for. Any amount of the drug found is reason enough to suspend Contador, the two-or-three time champ of the Tour de France. Contador’s blood revealed just 50 picograms (that is less than ‘trace’ amounts in other blood tests) that would probably not been found in most laboratories in the world. That would be written numerically as 0.00000000050 grams. The WADA spokesperson charged with dealing with the Spanish Sports Agency in charge ruling on Contador’s case was quoted as saying, “Just because it’s small doesn’t mean it’s not doping.” Many experts believe Contador mistakenly used transfused blood that was contaminated during the Tour de Swiss. Plasticizers found in the blood sample also serve to confirm this suspicion. The Bohunk’s take: Congrats on your default 2010 win, Andy Schleck, and you won’t be race El Pistolero in the next two years….

Thanks for reading everyone, and sorry for the late post. Some serious technical difficulties. Enjoy Modern Family on ABC tonight!

Thanksgiving, iThings and Red Kettles…

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and may you celebrate what you have by waking uncomfortably early, braving the weather and swirling snow and spending more than you have to purchase more things to be thankful for. The Bohunk has always thought the presence of Black Friday so insultingly close was a most insensitive juxtaposition of American values: Be thankful, then consume.

But more importantly, Turkey Day is the annual occurrence of the Detroit Lions playing on national television. Many Talking Heads have proposed that the honor of playing on Thanksgiving be taken away from Detroit, who has been playing in front of folks eating pies since 1934. To them, I say boldly; “How dare you, sir?” The Lions, and the city of Detroit, have very little to hang their hats upon. This game, every year, is one of the strongest and most dearly held traditions in sports. The game is a very large reason why Detroit has a massive parade and running event downtown, an important bump to the obviously struggling economy. In the light of ex-mayor Kwame “Crooked as a Tree Limb” Kilpatrick’s many scandals, a political embarrassment still drawing convictions, and the repeatedly persecuted automotive industry, Detroit needs something to point to with pride.

This gyration and gesticulation is the stuff 2-win teams should avoid….

In the game, however, the Lions played with their typical fervor until roughly half time, at which point the overwhelming scent of turkey legs and stuffing was craftily wafted into their dressing room by Tom Brady hair. The Lions played right up to the Flying Elvii, going blow for blow with The Best Team In The NFL for over two quarters. Then, the Lions realized what jerseys they were and began playing to that tune. A 79-yard touchdown to Deion Brach from Brady had cornerback Alphonso Smith turning around three times on the play after scooting 15 yards to close the gap. Safety CC Brown jogged for 40 yards on the play, only coming into the television’s frame on the 5 yard line. Then, “Shotgun” Shaun Hill began playing like the perennial back-up he SHOULD be by throwing some ugly balls, including missing a wide open Nate Burleson on a 3rd and short near the end of the third quarter. Detroit receivers replied, in turn, by dropping some easy passes, including Burleson’s drop in the end zone late in the fourth. On that play, with 6 minutes left in the game, the Bohunk put down the fork, belched slightly, and said, “Game Over.”

‘Tis the season, folks, the season of giving. And now, you can give with plastic. Those little red kettles, a stalwart fixture outside of so many department stores, are now accepting credit cards in some high-traffic locations. The kettles will still be setup for change and bills, but one can assume the plastic will be of use in higher income areas. In the words of one Pompous Ass, “Cash is for gangstas.”

On this Black Friday, Apple is running some rare deals in hopes of attracting some buyers. Apple and its iThings (iPhones, touches, pods, macs and TVs) are almost never offered at reduced pricing. The rough economy and raised interest in sales this season have prompted the TechnoGiant to take a little bit off some of its more popular items to stimulate sales. For example, its 8gb iPod Touch, usually $230.00, is down to a low, low $199.99. iPod Shuffles are a whopping $2 off…if that lures you off the couch today.

There is big-doin’s this afternoon in college football, folks. Last night, Texas A&M (my favorite use of the ampersand) defeated archrival Texas to make the Longhorns bowl ineligible. Today, however, is the final match up of the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Colorado Buffaloes. Nebraska can take the Big 12 North title with a win, and secure a cozy lil’ spot in the Big 12 title game. But it also assures itself a strong end to its run as a Big 12 team, a conference it helped create out of the Big South and Big Eight divisions back in the 60’s and early 70’s. Next season, the Huskers will be in the Big Ten, playing the strange likes of Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan. Godspeed, Huskers, please run the ball the length of the field and place the oblong sphere across the imagined plane highlighted at it base by a white stripe.

Taylor “Swift” Martinez will get his first and only shot against Colorado today.

Also today, Auburn plays Alabama, the last chance for the forces of good (Bama) to defeat the Army of Dark and Shadows (Auburn) before the season is over. Auburn is already guaranteed a spot in the SEC Championship against South Carolina, win or lose, but a loss to ‘Bama would knock them from the #2 spot in the BCS and allow the likes of a Boise State/TCU squad to face Oregon, My Oregon for the National Title. The Bohunk’s prediction; Auburn 14, Cam Newton 14, Alabama 35. Roll, Tide, Roll. Please.

Finally, in the Case of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Meat, “El Pistolero” and his lawyers will present their defense this Friday against doping charges stemming from in July 24th positive test for clenbuterol. Contador and his team with make a formal presentation to attempt to convince a Spanish court of his innocence. As reportedly in an early Update, Spanish authorities have debunked Contador’s claim that he ingested tainted beef the evening before his positive test. Others claim that the positive is the result of a blood transfusion of less tired blood that contained the clenbuterol and also plasticizers from the transfusion bag. Contador is going to be banned; the 2010 title will be given to a reluctant Andy Schleck, and the Saxo-Bank-Sungard squad will probably be defunct as a result. Way to go, Alberto. Ruin your sport, squad and the livelihoods of your teammates.

Thanks for reading, enjoy the leftovers today, and of course, the football. See you next week, folks, and don’t be forget to be thankful.

Exorcism, Four Loko Fallout and No Tainted Spanish Meat….

Usually, the sentence “I don’t want to insult religion” is followed by a derogatory and inflammatory comment that insults religion. I’ll skip that (but see how I didn’t really skip that?). A recent article in THE New York Times (I have been told the capitalize the ‘T’, so I’m going to take that a step further) stated that, for Catholics, interest in the practice in of exorcism has risen. While only a few priests in the US are trained (or, more accurately, '”trained”) in the exorcism arts, they are being overwhelmed by calls and pleas from believers who think they are being possessed by the Devil. Exorcism is as old as the Christian religion itself; it is cited as one of the proofs of Jesus’ divinity, with stories of the Son of Man casting out demons from those stricken with disease or madness. Exorcism is even present in the guiding text of the Catholic faith (no, not the Bible, silly) the catechism, so to say it is an integral part of the Catholic religion is no exaggeration. In fact, the Bohunk believes the Vatican, mired in rumor and guilt over its sexual abuse cases, might even be stressing this aspect of the religion to show how it differs from more secular institutions, the point of it stating, “We are don’t mess with little boys, we deal with angels and demons.” One supposes that it matters not what one thinks; only what one fears. Faith is a powerful force against reason. This emphasis on exorcism is really unsurprising when you consider that 57% of grown US citizens believe in ghosts. Also not hard to see why we know have a Republican House of Reps….

“Be gone, ye tool of Satan…Seriously, Ted Nugent, leave”

If the power of Christ didn’t compel you thus far, this should: Experts in Afghanistan warn that the planned withdrawal of NATO troops in 2014 could result in '”eye-watering” violence. Architects of the proposed plan admit that the transition could be messy, and that pockets of “residual insurgency” (the REALLY pissed off folks) could continue for many years after foreign armies punch their ticket home. Just as the violence in Iraq has not abated with a lessened US presence, so will the Afghan turmoil persist long after we “Bring Our Boys Home”.

In base ball, (I tend to use its original spelling) the NL Cy Young went to Roy “Doc” Halladay. The Phillies ace won the award unanimously after a stellar season in which he tossed both a perfect game and a no-hitter. And that just may be the last baseball mention until next August….

In the ongoing Case of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Meat, authorities have found not even a little shred of evidence to support El Pistolero’s story that his positive test in the Tour de France was a result of ingesting tainted Spanish meat. WADA (World Anti-Doping Agency) tested and probed into the Spanish meat industry to find any cases of contamination from the drug clenbuterol, the drug Contador was found to have in his system during the last rest day of this past Tour de France. Alberto also was found to have trace levels of plasticizers in his blood, which could and, now almost certainly, indicate illegal blood transfusions. If convicted of treachery, and doping, Contador would serve a two year ban and be stripped of his TdF title, becoming the second to sully the name of cycling’s biggest prize after American Floyd Landis’ positive test in 2006.

Say it ain’t so, Alberto. And also, say you’ll give my your wheels…

On this very date in 1869, well, you already know what happened…No? Really? Not off the top of your head? The Suez Canal opened! That is all.

As evidence that the World Is Going To Hell Via A Hand-basket, I submit the following article. A Connecticut man convicted of manslaughter is suing the aggrieved parents of the 14 year old boy he struck and killed while cruising along at over 80 mph in a 45 mph zone. The Bohunk puts forth the following solution; put the bastard on a ten speed and, should he be able to evade the child’s parents armed with a car speeding at 80 mph on the open road, let him walk. However, in no case should his argument be heard in court.

After Michigan and other states passed bans of the popular caffeine and alcohol drink Four Loko, its manufacturers have announced plans to remove the caffeine, citing its commitment to “leaving in the good shit” to make the drink legal. Phusion Projects, Four Lokos’ owner, made the move after being handicapped by, you know, “regulations”. As covered in a previous Update (weeks before Grand Valley State’s newspaper, The Lanthorn, wrote about it) the drink combines a stimulant and depressant, which makes the consumer of the drinnk less aware of their intoxication. One side effect is that drunks are more willing to drive, though they are equally impaired as a person who drank scotch, whiskey or any other source of a-a-a-a-alcohol. Were you one of the sorority girls pissed by the pending ban? Watch this video, and learn a lesson. 

Thanks for reading, enjoy Modern Family tonight at 9 eastern on ABC. Two more days till the weekend, continue to work for it.

Contador’s Meat, Ginger Coach, and DubYah on Torture….

Just as I said the Cowboys can’t fire Wade Phillips, they do. Replacing him with Jason Garrett, the offensive coordinator, gives the Cowboys the opportunity to appear like they are changing something, but not really changing anything. Garrett will run the same system, with the same players, will the only real change coming in who is calling plays defensively. Unfortunately for Garrett, he is red-headed. He is also 1-7, without his starting quarterback Tony Romo, and has an unforgiving schedule ahead. They play the Giants, Redskins and Saints still this season, all on nationally televised time slots. So if you dislike the Cowboys, and we all do, enjoy this season. And you’ll be able to watch it!

Space is pretty big. In fact, it is so large that we lack the fundamental ability to truly see it, and so our research and, in turn, our understanding of it is limited. Now researchers have discovered a way to use phenomena in space, “gravitational lenses”, that magnify galaxies and celestial bodies that are millions of billions (read that again, millions of billions, that’s how old the universe is) older than galaxies around the Milky Way. This gives scientists the capability to study how the universe ages and to look for changes in the developments of galaxies or the universe itself. The Herschel space telescope, operated by the European Space Agency, detects the infrared tendencies of these gravitational lenses and can help scientists utilize them more effectively. This goes to show; we do not know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

In the ongoing investigation of Alberto Contador and his Tainted Spanish Meat, the UCI has announced that it will seek a ruling from Spain’ council on sport to decide what action to take on Contador. This is a long awaited step in a process which will ultimately decide if the two or three time champ will retain his 2010 title and avoid a two-year ban for doping. Contador has said that if handed the ban he would possibly retire. Spain’s governing body of sport will reach a decision and hand down to the UCI what essentially serves as a recommendation for punishment if found guilty, or as a vote of innocence. If the UCI does not agree with the decision, they can take their case to the International Arbitration of Sport to reverse the decision or adjust the punishment. This is not a verdict, but it does indicate that the UCI believes there is something fishy going on…
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“Can you believe this guy? Tainted meat? Gimme a break.” ~Lance

The Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Cincinnati Bengals to essentially end all hope for the Striped Cats. Ben “Touches Without Permission” Roethlisberger looks solid after his suspension and, in weeks past, has brushed off the rust and turned in some fine work. He is the best quarterback in the league to rape a woman. Go Ben!

In his recently released memoir, former President Bush defends waterboarding and other torture techniques…and Republicans will defend him for saying that. People, as a rule, seem to be all for torture until it’s them being drowned, even if it is “simulated.” The ever-eloquent Bush went onto say that, upon hearing of the 9/11 attacks, his “blood was boiling. We were going to find out who did this, and kick their ass.” THAT is the man who led our country for eight years. Sounds more like a hillbilly who had his beer stolen, not a sitting President in a time of extreme crisis.

In the Myanmar election mentioned yesterday in the Update, a major shocker! Hot off the press! The pro-military party won with over 80% of the vote! No way! The military, who forced some people from their homes to vote, claims it played no role in what it called a “historic moment.” No less than SIX (6) parties have already lodged complaints to the election commission of the country, citing obvious tampering and fraud. The commission, appointed by the military, will hear their case this week. And, probably do nothing at all.

In a quick note, Lions staff fear quarterback Matthew Stafford (he’s Matthew off the field, Matt while on it) may be lost for the season after reinjuring his right shoulder. As much potential as he has, he may never pan out if he can’t finish a season. He has missed a total of 12 games in two years, if you count games he started but failed to finish and add together those missed quarters.

Short Update today, and not a good one. Thank you for soldiering through. Enjoy “Funniest Home Videos” on ABC Family this evening.