Paris-Nice: Tony Martin Wins “Generation Battle”

The Paris-Nice is over with the Race to the Sun ending in clouds and ran after clammy weather for most of the race. Thomas “The Bold Frenchmen” won the final stage in yet another brave and long breakaway effort. The very, very German Tony Martin (HTC) retained the overall lead to win the race’s GC over also German Andreas Kloden of RadioShack.

The very, very German machine that is Tony Martin on his way to the TT win in the Paris-Nice…

Some writers have called the Kloden vs Martin fight for the overall “The Battle of the Generations”, alluding to the youth of Martin against the aged legs of Andreas Kloden. The Bohunk sees the obvious generation, but does not see the importance. There are a lot of older gentlemen in this race, not to mention the oldest man in the professional peloton, Jens Voight. The obvious intent of this juxtaposition is to show the future of cycling as clean and unassociated with the doping of the past. While that is more than fair to say, we run the risk of dragging racers without any history or evidence of doping through the mud. Kloden has ridden on teams with Jan Ulrich, Alberto Contador and Lance Armstrong, a convicted cheat, an exonerated champion and a suspected legend, respectively.  Kloden has had no links to doping at any of these stops, yet is insinuated as being associated with the shadowy professional peloton of the late 90s and early 00s.

The claims are not overt, but definitely present. As much as cycling fans can be thankful for the emphasis on clean and honest riders in the future (and believe me, that is the best thing we can ask for) we cannot write off all the riders of the past just by association or having had ridden with some bad eggs. That would be a terribly unfair way to deal with riders like Voight, Kloden and Leipheimer who have been heroes and outstanding advocates for cycling for over a decade.

Congrats to Tony Martin and his HTC team, and check back in later for the Tirreno-Adriatico stage report, or, as always, follow me on Twitter for Updates.

TC Training Camp: Day Six

The Bohunk scurries up the Muur…(This is what I imagine I look
like on the bike. Everyday.)
About a mile and a half from getting home from my ride today, a middle-aged woman waddling across the road with her equally wide pal made a comment about me. It’s rare I actually hear people say anything because I am most often cruising along too fast or too far away. But this lady, I heard. As I rounded a corner and tore into the pavement to keep the pace up, she said, quite flatly, “Well, he is serious.” Yes, ma’am, I am. And let me tell you why…

Your skills of perception, madam, are lacking. What you saw was a 22 year old in tight clothing on a full suspension bicycle that is more than a bit too big for him. But what that young man really was doing was launching an attack off the front to get a gap over a select group of eight, including, just to name a few, Fabian Cancellara, Thor Hushovd, Tylar Farrar and Juan Manuel Garate. And trust me, the young man you saw was digging himself to China in an effort to get away.

You believe you saw this on a normal, cold and wet Thursday in Traverse City, Michigan, whilst in (my) reality, I was really just rolling of the top of the Muur climb at the Tour of Flanders, Belgians yelling and spiting obscenities at me in a drunken fervor as if I was Lance Armstrong his very self. You can see then, ma’am, that yes I was indeed quite serious. Thank you heartily for taking a moment to notice.

The sixth day of the TC Training Camp was a mountain-bike-on-the-road-ride because of the deep slush and snow on most of the roads. I only did an hour and twenty minutes and about 22 miles because of a very strong and cold wind, but I was really feeling the effects of a long run yesterday. Looking forward very much to the weather tomorrow, which promises partly cloudy skies and a temperate 37 degrees. More from the roads tomorrow!

Photo Montage Addition

After my Lance Armstrong retirement photo montage, the Bohunk received several emails about omissions. It is not possible to include every moment of a twenty five year cycling career, but after an email from a Belgian fan, I had to attach an important appendix to that post.

Armstrong goes it alone in the 2010 Tour.

In the 2010 Tour, Lance suffered a flat on the cobbles as the peloton, indeed, the race, was torn apart by Fabian Cancellara. While the Swiss Time Machine pounded away on the front, Lance was tacked on to the lead group of contenders until his front wheel went. He had to wait for a replacement, and, nursed along by teammate Yaroslav Popovych, trailed by over two minutes behind the favorites. Ahead on the road were the likes of Andy Schleck, Cadel Evans and Denis Menchov. Alberto Contador was the main benefactor. Before Lance’s flat, the Spaniard was about a minute behind. After, he ended up with over a minute buffer.

Armstrong used Popo as long as he could before going it alone, chasing down a small group ahead of him on the road to reduce his losses. He spent a lot of energy in the chase and ceded an awful lot of time to the main threats to the overall. Lance has won Tours and impressed Yours Truly many, many times, but this ride is still one of the most impressive and important. Even at 38, with the odds and critics against him, Armstrong still had enough to go after the race alone and give it his all. Cheesy? Absolutely. But without heroics and great stories, cycling is just suffering painful.

Lance Armstrong Montage

Lance Armstrong retired officially yesterday, indicating he will not ride the Quiznos Challenge or Tour of California in 2011. Lance won seven Tours de France, was a world champion and served as an inspiration for millions of cancer survivors while raising money and awareness through his foundation. Today, forget just for a moment the drug accusations and the federal investigation. Wasn’t it just fun to watch him race? Yes, I believe it was. The Bohunk can admit that there is an awful lot of indication of wrongdoing, but nothing has stuck yet. So, regardless if you hate Lance, or love him, and you probably aren’t in between, enjoy a few pictures from his amazing career….

A young, world champion Lance Armstrong and American Tour champ Greg LeMond…This may be the only friendly conversation the two ever had.

A grainy look at Lance on the brink. One of his later chemo treatments in the mid 90’s.

Sestriere in 1999: The attack that won him
the Tour and made him the best climber in
the world over Marco Pantani.

The Look: 2001, Lance takes a peep at rival Jan Ulrich. Lance went; Ulrich could not.

Lance won his seventh tour in 2005, and retired shortly after.

Comeback 2.0 resulted in a third at the Tour and, as Lance often said himself, it was a lot more work.

Crashes marred 2010, including this one at the Tour of California, the same day Floyd Landis began his campaign against Lance in the press.

We will leave Lance here, on his way to 23rd place at the Tour in 2010, but still riding well even at 38 years old.

Tainted Beef Conclusion and Chopin...

Reports from Espana (Spain, for my monolingual 'Merican audience) indicate that Two or Three time Tour de France champion Alberto Contador will likely be banned for one year after months of deliberation and investigation. The Spanish newspaper Marca and others are reporting that the decision on Alberto Contador and the Case of the Tainted Spanish Beef will be announced Thursday, resulting in a single year ban that would keep him from racing in any events this season. Reports from the Contador Camp say that they do not believe these early bits of leaked information, not even that the announcement will come Thursday. This is, frankly, an ugly time for cycling. If Contador doped last year, he has been doping the whole time. That means Armstrong's seven Tour wins, Landis' one and Contador's three represent over a decade of Tours won by cheaters. That is amazing; imagine the NFL investigating the last ten Super Bowl winners at the same time, and one team already admitting they had cheated. (Oh, right, the Patriots admitted to spying, but at least not in the Super Bowl) So, for a sport already struggling for sponsors and attention, the realization that even its best are fake, drugged up men in Lycra could be extremely damaging, even crippling. More on this on Thursday...

In other news, we recall the great pianist Frederic Chopin, who was said by his contemporaries to be the most astounding artist of his day (the Bohunk tends to agree). Chopin had a strange habit of losing consciousness and going into a dream-like state, even while performing before a packed audience. The Bohunk uses Chopin's sonattas to fall asleep; I never found Chopin's slumber all that surprising when I read of it. Now, however, Spanish doctors, apparently less busy after trying to exonerate Contador, have found that Chopin probably suffered from temporal lobe epilepsy, a condition that creates hallucinations that last from seconds to some minutes. Chopin claimed to be able to describe his dreams in very minute detail, another indication that these fits were in fact the result of epilepsy and not, as the novelist and very, very French person Aurore Dudevant claimed, "the manifestation of a genius full of sentiment and expression. Which would have been much cooler, but not scientifically viable.

Allegations, Grimaces, and a Good-Bye…

Thursday, folks, but, you already knew that….Let’s get to it…

Hell hath frozen over; if you are buying a coffee from Starbucks, there is now an app for that. Apple unveiled an app made to make the unthinkable a reality; you can now purchase a latte or Frappuccino if you forgot your wallet. The app allows you to put money on an account, then, upon walking to the counter, scan your phone (which briefly displays a barcode) and make your order. How that is in anyway faster than simply swiping your credit or debit card, I have absolutely no idea, but, it is not to the Bohunk to question why. If you want to ooze Starbucks affiliation, this is the app for you….

Researches have spotted a disturbing trend in elevated suicide rates for National Guard or Reserve soldiers, most typically while not deployed. The number of suicides of non-active reservists nearly doubled last year, from 80 to 145. A major contributing factor (besides repeated deployments to a warzone) is the logistical problem of providing access to counseling and post traumatic stress experts in the States. The broken marriages and relationships, lost jobs and difficulties faced by a prolonged absence are contributing factors, but the Army is clueless, especially about the dramatic rise. One commander, a Maj. General Raymond Carpenter says that roughly half of the suicides in his company are attributable to troubled relationships at home. Many experts are hoping that a universal network of counselors will be established, both in theaters of war and in the US, in order to provide expense-paid access to help upon returning home. The war is not only fought afar….

Carla Swaft riding for South Africa at Worlds…

In more sad news (my apologies), the cycling community honors the loss of Carla Swart, a 23 year old cyclist killed yesterday while on a training ride in South Africa. Swart was a promising star for HTC-Highroad entering her first full season with the pro squad. She was a college student who balanced an international racing schedule along with the demands of homework and family life. In the cycling community, any loss is widely mourned as if it were a very close friend, and for many, Carla was. Her alma mater, Lees McRae College is already working to establish a scholarship in her honor, to be awarded to a female cyclist each year. You can donate to this fund by sending a check to Lees-McRae College with a note of ‘Carla Swart Scholarship ‘ in the memo line. Here is the address:

Lees-McRae College Office of Advancement
P.O. Box 128, Banner Elk, NC 28604

A not-so-fond farewell; Juan Pelota faces more charges than ever before….

Ben Swift of Team Sky won the second stage of the Tour Down under while Team RadioShack sprinter took the overall lead, donning the ochre jersey as top man. The sprint finish was marred by a violent high-speed crash in the closing kilometers of the race. One of the most scarred and bloodied riders was the sprint favorite Mark Cavendish, who sustained some ugly cuts and bruises when someone hit some gravel in the road while rounding a tight, congested corner late in the stage which ended in Mannum. With several stages left to go, the sprinters are still at the top of the standings with other contenders lurking back. Still no moves from the likes of Armstrong, Gerrans and Porte in the lack of any real climbs, leaving the likely win to a sprinter or a rider with lots of power. Armstrong is catching flak after rumors and allegations of doping in the early 90s have risen after a Sports Illustrated article was partially leaked two days ago, as reported in the Update yesterday. It documents, or claims to, that Armstrong tested positive for unnatural testosterone to epitestosterone levels of 9:1, 7.6:1 and 6.5:1 over a four years span. It alleges that the Olympic Committee, or members of the Committee, tested athletes in private to avoid public positives and then allowed the drugs to deplete before submitting the rider to public tests. All of this is according to notes taken in the over a decade long span ending around the period of the 2000 Sydney games in Australia. Representatives from Armstrong say they have no comments.

President Obama welcomed our overlord, or landlord, or Chinese President Hu Jintao, or whatever you’d like to know him by, to the White House today to talk currency and trade issues. The talks were ungainly and slow due to translation delays, but Obama says he made frank remarks about the poor human rights record China is infamous for, and also the lack of effort to strengthen China’s currency, the yuan. The Chinese leader repeatedly failed to reply to certain questions and statements, claiming at times not to understand the translator (he brought his own, mind you) and declined to divulge any detailed plans of bringing about more freedoms in his country. Conversely, Obama acknowledges that the US is neck-deep in debt to the diminutive Hu, and the aloofness of the visiting diplomat is uncannily similar to someone stopping by to see if his tenant will be able to make rent by the end of the month. (Obama: “Check’s in the mail, bro, promise.”)

Those aren’t smiles; these men despise each other so much a grimace is all they can
manage for the cameras. The Bohunk wonders what they are muttering under their
breaths…

  Another short and sweet Update, enjoy NBC’s Thursday night line-up, all new, and don’t panic; 30 Rock has moved to 10. Don’t have a cow. Thanks for reading, now you can go back and check Facebook again….

Cromartie, Poe, Droopy Dog and the Pasta Investigation…

It is Wednesday, verily, the day of the hump and also of the “Modern Family” at 9, 8 Central. Fight the doldrums until then, and the week will be over before you know…In 48 hours or so.

Reports are that Senator Joe Lieberman (gasps) will not run for President in 2012 (awwwwww) according to members of his staff and certain close aides. The 68 year old senator from Connecticut will announce the decision later in the week or by the end of this month, much to the relief of almost no political rivals. The move benefits Democrats chiefly, at least in the minds of several political pundits. Lieberman spent most of his career as an important figure in the Democratic Party, though has spent the last four years in a creepy ex-boyfriend who has slept around with your enemy stigma attached. Lieberman jumped ship, if you will, ahead of the 2008 Presidential campaign, backing John McCain instead of Barack Obama. He will retire from public service when his current term concludes in two years, quietly bowing from the spotlight and enjoying time with his friends and family. Until then, however, Joe will have to skate the slippery slope between a drastically and violently divided Senate, even in the wake of the supposed ‘peace’ of the Tucson shootings.

Joe Lieberman.

A massive 7.2 earthquake rocked a sparsely populated area of Pakistan today, roughly 200 miles from the closest urban center but strong enough to take a few casualties even in the remote regions of the Pakistani desert. Final reports from the closest cities are not finalized or confirmed, but only one woman was said to have died of a heart attack triggered by the quake. A 7.2 earthquake is massive, similar in strength to the one that triggered the tsunami in the Indian ocean five years ago. An added danger in the region is the poor construction of homes; most structures are made or mud-brick and wood and fail almost immediately during a heavy quake. More on this is it is necessary….

Following up on a religion vs. science story from a month back, the University of Kentucky was forced to pay $125,000 to an astronomy professor who recently brought charges of discrimination against the school after being turned down for a job. To be fair, $125,000 is probably what Kentucky spends on a single basketball recruit each summer, but this is harder to swallow because it won’t translate into PPG. The snubbed professor, C. Martin Gaskell, says he was denied a job with the University because he hinted a belief “something close to a creationist” and “potentially evangelical” in e-mails that circulated within the schools department. To note, however, allowing a person whose research and observations are clouded by religion certainly has an impact on how that professor looks at science. To be fair, however, the University of Kentucky failed to handle the situation properly, which, as we all know, is to deny, deny, deny and then counter-sue.

In another twist in the on-going Pasta Investigation of Lance Armstrong (throw everything at him and see what sticks) reports surfaced of more allegations indicating that Armstrong encouraged and even required EPO use on his Motorola team in the 90s. An unnamed teammate from the ‘95 squad said that Armstrong was the “instigator” of doping on the squad, even instructing teammates on how to use EPO and, more importantly, how to hide it. This is not news, however, the Bohunk finds the recurrent claims of the same charges intriguing…Why repeat the same accusations for almost a year? If there is so much evidence, why can’t anyone present tangible evidence of guilt besides nameless teammates casting blame? Even the FBI admits that it has conducted little to no investigative activity in the past three months, showing that they really have nothing to add to the case. Innocent, innocent, innocent…until factually and indisputably proven guilty by hard evidence.

Lance Armstrong as a Motorola rider and World Champion…before the cancer, the Tours and the allegations….

On this very day in 1809, the dark and mysterious and macabre Edgar Allen Poe was born. After being raised by his godfather, John Allan, Poe wrote three volumes of poetry to almost no acclaim or attention. He took a job as an editor of the Southern Literary Messenger in Richmond, Virginia and married his 13 year old cousin, which, though teachers tell you wasn’t uncommon at the time, was, in fact, a touch odd, even by the standards of the day. He drank heavily and lost his job, forcing a move north to Philadelphia where he kept busy with his hands in a few publications as an editor and a critic. His most famous works, including The Tell-Tale Heart, The Murders At the Rue Morgue and The Fall of the House of Usher all were written during this period, which was actually one of the most tranquil and relatively peaceful of Poe’s life. The stories themselves, however, did not reflect stability; they were odd, dark, horrific and dabbled in mystery, giving Poe the title of the father of the detective story. The Poes moved once more to New York City, where Poe penned "The Raven” his most famous poem. His wife died in 1847, driving Poe to even more voluminous drinking, eventually stumbling into a gutter drunk and dying somewhere in Baltimore in 1849. Poe was forty years old. 

The Bohunk casually and without much concern put forth his AFC Championship prediction, in two parts. A) I don’t care, I think both clubs, Thieves and Aeronautical Studies, alike in a uniform thuggery and criminal mind. There are more fines and arrests between these two teams to equal all of the other teams in the NFL. How can anyone root for them? B) That said, I’ll take the Steelers over the Jets by the simple reasoning of choosing, however reluctantly, the lesser of two great evils. It should be a close contest, if it does not devolve into fisticuffs after James Harrison spears Sanchez and Antonio Cromartie leads his Army of Children into battle (though he doesn’t know any of their names) in retaliation.

Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie and two Baby-Mamas-To-Be…

A short and not so sweet Update today, though my apologies must be accepted due to impossible circumstances; I have a lot of homework and little sleep. Thanks for reading, folks, and enjoy your day in spite of all things and people…

Carbolic Acid, Apple, Sarah-cuda and TDU…

It’s Tuesday and the Bohunk is struggling to return to the monotony that is college. And the headlines are as depressing as the twelve page research paper on Catholic and Protestant relations during the various witch trials of the sixteenth century. Yet, the Bohunk perseveres through all calamity…

In business news, Apple’s Messiah Steve Jobs (who doubles as a CEO) is taking a leave of absence from the company and day-to-day operations. Shares for Apple dropped 4.7% overnight, representing roughly $15 billion in market value. Jobs took a leave for medical reasons in early 2009 to receive a liver transplant and in 2004 to deal with and combat pancreatic cancer. Experts say there is no material reason to say that Jobs’ absence will in any way affect Apple as a corporation, but agree that, as the face of one of the richest and most successful companies in the world, is presence is very valuable as well. Just last week, if loyal readers will recall, Apple hit its highest ever trading price at almost $350 per share. Even at a loss of 4.4%, long term investors are okay; the company’s share quadrupled from 2009 to the present. They should be doing okay financially. All the best to Steve on his leave and the best of health, as well.

“Go purchase some Apple stock; I ain’t dead yet m@(#%*#.” ~Steve Jobs

For a week or so after the shooting of Rep. Giffords, the Republicans kept their collective mouth close; they appeared at the sight of the shootings, and stood behind the President (to stay in camera frame) when Obama made his speech on the violence in Tucson. They promised bipartisanship, and peace, and for the rhetoric to stop…Until today. Apparently, the Republican pledge to deal peacefully with Democrats lasts shorter than the media cycle. Republicans are back at it, challenging health care law that would, even in its barest forms, cover an addition 15 million poverty-stricken Americans. But Lord knows we wouldn’t want that. The Oily-Phants are now making recommendations on the plan that would reduce the number of Americans covered to less than 7 million by some measures, lowering the cost, sure, but completely missing the point of the bill in the first place. The health care bill was drawn as a way to cover all Americans, not a just enough to get some press and disappoint millions who did not end up with coverage. The need for discussion is not lost on the Bohunk; only the motivation for Republicans to deny 15 million of the most needy and vulnerable fellow citizens in the country the right to see a doctor and to receive treatment. If you can explain it to me, please do so in the Comments section…Peacefully….

A suicide bomber in Iraq killed 52 police recruits in Tikrit yesterday. As US and other international forces prepare to leave en masse this year, the myriad short comings of the Iraqi security forces are being found out. Recruits were waiting in line to the police station when the explosion rocked the building and all those around it. 52 died and over 150 are being treated for several types of injuries. This comes just a few months after a similar attack at a police recruitment center killed 61 and left over 125 wounded. When Iraqi security forces cannot even protect themselves while in their own bases and within their own compounds, the US must worry that all the work and sacrifice contributed could evaporate rather quickly….

Sarah Palin, that ever-ignorant Mama Grizzly, has vowed not to “shut-up” in the light of civil, bipartisan talks that, heretofore had been thriving. She quoted Scripture and Martin Luther King, Jr. while on a Fox News show, saying that Jesus and MLK were similar in their life experiences. She did not have the intelligence to say how, but that they were. She remained non-committal on running for President in 2012, to which the Bohunk is disappointed. Go for it Sarrah-cuda! Obama on his worst day, and in French, could beat you in a debate. Please, chick, bring it on…For you are not a lady….

Stage One of the Santos Tour Down Under in Australia is in the books with HTC-Columbia’s Matt Goss taking the win. Goss nipped Andre Greipel and very Australian Robbie McEwan for the win on the line, with many eyes looking around at the notable absence of Mark Cavendish near the finish. McEwan suffered a crash a few kilometers before the finish and was pulled back into contention by the powerhouse that is the South African Robbie Hunter, another recent pick up by Team RadioShack. The second stage is today and roughly 100 miles long in beautiful weather and sunshine. More tomorrow, and the Bohunk warns, look for a move by Lance Armstrong; as he said last week, he is not in Australia to “pedal around in the peloton.”

Matty Goss takes in on the line…But where’s Cavendish?

Astronomers are tossed their telescopes to the turf and picking up a element in order to study the universe. The telescopes are, in reality, safe, but there has been a rush to study in greater depth the importance of carbon, not only on earth but its role in the universe as well. As one of relatively few chemically stable possible solutes, carbon has some of the basic traits that make it a viable source of life, namely, consistency and structural integrity regardless of environmental changes in temperature, pressure and levels of acidity. Though DNA is the foundation of life, its inner workings, or its chemical reactions and processes, are built upon the stability of carbolic acids at a micro-micro-microscopic level. While small scale biochemical reactions can result without carbon, they cannot build larger bodies, such as bacterium, cats, Natalie Portman, whales, or Rosie' O’Donnell (and yes, in that EXACT order) that we consider significant or substantial life. Carbon has a versatility that is unrivaled by other elemental compounds, even by those that are more popular. For example, silicon is roughly 900 times more abundant than carbon, but is involved in a paltry number of meaningful chemical reactions important to creating and maintaining life. The only other element that seems to have had any potential at the early stages of life on earth was boron, an element that is rare on earth, but even more rare throughout the universe. There is not enough known boron to have meaningful chemical reactions on any scale, let alone the scale of life. What does this mean? The universe somehow provided earth with exactly the right stuff at the exact right time with the exact chemical properties needed to being the process of life. It all had to happen and it all did. Why? For what reason? We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

Thank goodness for carbon…

Thanks for reading folks, more effort tomorrow and, of course, much more fun. Enjoy your day!

NFL Play-offs, Cheer-Babe Professionalism, and the Tunisian Devil…

Back to the start, Monday to Friday, and folks, it will not stop so neither should you. Carry hope in thy heart and the weight of the world on your shoulders, as no one else but you can live your life. Enough cheesy crap, let’s dig deeper into this burrito and get to the meat of it…

This weekend saw some excellent professional football play offs, first with the Pittsburgh Steelers (quarterbacked by a rapist) against the Baltimore Nevermores (linebacked by a murderer) beginning the festivities. The Bohunk is not much of a supporter of either team; in fact, I flipped a coin to decide who to pick as a winner because I didn’t want any reason to really cheer for either squad. In one of the ugliest games, with late hits, trash talking and rather embarrassing post-play theatrics, including a fifteen second Hines Ward display of crossed arms that I grew a touch nauseous, neither team acted like a Super Bowl squad. For the Steelers, that is puzzling; most of the team has two rings. But they played down to Baltimore most of the first half, trailing 21-7. Cory Redding, a defensive end for the Nevermores, scooped up a fumble that lay untouched and unnoticed for some time, and sauntered into the end zone, flanked by some teammates, without the Steelers ever taking notice. Aside from that, Ray Rice, the Ravens running back, was invisible except for a fumble. Flacco, the quarterback of the Ravens, one the Bohunk believes is over-hyped, choked. He took bad sacks, ran out of bounds for a loss of four when he could have tossed it away, and barely got off passes when the Nevermores needed a come-from-behind drive. The game turned when All-Pro, All-Everything wide receiver Anquan Boldin dropped a pass in the end zone late that would have given the Ravens a seven point lead late. Granted, the way Pittsburgh was playing, they still would have had to stop the Steelers about three more times which would have very tough. However, the Ravens never truly threatened again, and their booting from the playoffs was certain.

In the night cap, the Green Bay Packers beat the Atlanta Falcons soundly. The Dirty Birds couldn’t run (Michael Turner had just 10 carries for 39 yards) and couldn’t pass either. Matt Ryan, a.k.a The Man With Two First Names, was sacked five times and hit numerous times as he threw.   His receivers were blanketed all night by Tramon Williams and Charles Woodson, and linebackers Clay Matthews and A.J. Hawk (yes, that A.J Hawk) stormed the walls like it was the shores of Tripoli. The Bohunk, in all his knowledge, has pinpointed, for your benefit, the exact moment the game turned. After a Packers score, the Atlanta Falcons kick returner Eric Weems returned a kick 102 yards for a touchdown, the longest play in the history of the playoffs. Celebrate, you Falcons fans! Cheer, rejoice, for the football gods are for ye! But soft! What distraction on the sidelines! The Cheer-Babes of the Falcons are, yes, most certainly, gyrating and hooping-and-hollering, but not in unison! The blonde is doing a hip thing, and the brunette on the end isn’t even facing forward! What heresy is this, that the Cheer-Babes, professionals, cannot stay in unison! Upon viewing this spectacle with vigorous intensity, the Bohunk said to the room at large, “Game Over.” No one can respond after poor Cheer-Babing, least of all the Falcons without a run game. Soon, it was 35-14 and the Packers were in cruise mode. The Bohunk Super Bowl prediction, Packers vs. Flying Elvii, is still alive. And let this be a lesson to Cheer-Babes everywhere: When you tell the players to “Go” make sure you do so together and with smiles; the football gods will punish ye. 

Spirits were high before the Unthinkable; here, the Cheer-Babes are in unison. It was not
to last, however.

The Tour Down Under, the first major cycling race of the season, begins tomorrow, and the cycling community (and This Guy) are relieved to have the Best Sport In The World back to discuss and over analyze. While the turn out among pros has been the best in the history of the event, inevitably, all eyes with be on Lance Armstrong, who attends the race in what will be his last international race of his career. He will probably end up in a few US races, but as far as big European races, this little jaunt in Australia will have to do as a fare-thee-well. He is joined by the very, very Australian Robbie McEwan and one of the best sprinting fields assembled, including Andre Greipel, Gerald Ciolek, Mark Cavendish and Tylar Farrar. As McEwan says, the presence of so many sprinters could result in a “Mexican stand-off” situation, meaning a breakaway could get a big lead and hold it while the teams refuse to chase in the peloton. The Bohunk’s prediction: Greipel takes the first meeting against Cavendish in a massive, testy field sprint. Cavendish typically starts the season slow, though I can also see him being motivated and ready to tear the legs off anyone looking to challenge him. Lance will go on a forlorn but heroic attack at some point, but to no avail. All the best to him, though, and thanks for almost two decades of great racing.

Lance Armstrong modeling the new 2011 RadioShack kit. Best of luck, Juan Pelota.

The Bohunk hopes you haven’t noticed this, but there has been a bit of a freak out after astronomers noticed that the constellations have shifted due to the wobble of the earth’s rotation. The 26,000 year cycle means that, every so often, the constellations shift as the earth moves along its axis. This equates to a shift of roughly 50 seconds every year, so the distance the axis ‘moves’ is tiny. However, those looking to the heavens knew and even predicted this movement as far back as 7,000 years ago in Ancient Greece. People who believe in astrology, which, it should be noted, attributes certain behaviors and influences completely superficially to contrived shapes in the sky, have been panicked to see how the change will ‘affect’ their personality. It won’t; in fact, if you work by degrees, and the geologic shift of time, you were probably born under a different sign than that which you attribute to yourself, anyway. In fact, most signs shift every 2,160 years, but we haven’t adjusted until now. So if you believe in this mularky…

"Astrologers look beyond the five senses into the sixth and seven sense that transcend material boundaries.” ~The Epoch Times

…I am sure you can allow for some basic misinformation anyway….

It is, folks, a revolution in Tunisia. The army drove through the capital of Tunis this weekend, ousting all remnants of militia and security forces loyal to overthrown President Zine el Abidine ben Ali. Arrests around the country have rounded up much of the former regime, including former Interior Minister Rafik Belhaj Kassim in his hometown of Beja. Kassim headed both the main security force of the country and the state TV broadcast station, both, citizens claim, serving as instruments of oppression and stifling political and social freedoms. A new Cabinet comprised of various political parties is being assembled to take provisional control of the country until elections and other preparations can be made to establish a long term political structure. The working officials say they hope to hold free elections in 60 days and that they may rely on international help to ensure that peace is established before those elections can take place. Makeshift militias have created roadblocks around major cities to stop the exodus of former government officials and to maintain order, calling in army or new government security forces to keep the peace. The international community should cheer the urge for freedom and try to discourage any more loss of life in this nation’s future developments.

The Seahawks went to a frozen Soldier Field and looked exactly like the Seahawks we had all expected to see. After playing the Martyrs and winning against some long odds, they sauntered into Chicago against a much better team contented with simply winning one game and going home. They slowly lost ground as the offense did nothing; their first scoring drive was only 18 yards for a field goal. It happened while down 28-0 with a minute left in the third quarter. You are down by four touchdowns, it’s the playoffs; what does three points do for you? Nothing. Pete Carroll took the field goal because 28-0 sounds worse than 28-3, though it is the same thing in the end, a loss. Carroll was scared and playing not to lose. In the first quarter, fourth and one in Chicago territory (the 41, to be exact) Pete had the chance to take the momentum by the balls. Get a first, quiet the stirred, freezing crowd and get on the board; fear took over, and the punt unit jogged on. The Bohunk said, “Game Over.” The Bears will take on the Packers in the Coolest NFC Championship Game In A Long Time next week. Picks and predictions to come…

The best return man in the history of the game; Packers, be warned…

The Flying Elvii fell 28-21 to the New York Jets. Frankly, the Bohunk is torn for the AFC Championship; a rapist (Big Ben) against a loud mouth (Rex Ryan), the worst example of fatherhood in America (Antonio Cromartie) and the organization with the most NFL investigations since the 2008 Bengals. I’m going to have to go with the Thieves for the simple fact that they have less players likely to be arraigned this week. Tom “Bieber” Brady tossed for 300 yards, 2 TDs and a pick and will be blamed for the loss. That is the price for being the face of a dynasty; all the blame and the obligation to share the glory. The Jets did just enough to win; and they will not do so again this year.

Thanks for reading folks, back tomorrow and with results from the Tour Down Under and the arrest reports from Rex Ryan robbing a FootLocker store…

Starbucks, Rich Rod, Holes and the N~Word…

It’s Thursday, you may notice, which is one day before Friday and then the weekend. The problem, or blessing depending on your view, is that upon the completion of the weekend, this cycle begins anew. Stave off the inevitable with the Update…

Jumping straight to the good stuff, we find ourselves in the heated debate of black holes. One of the most mysterious aspects of our universe is the black hole, long believed to be exaggerated by high speed collisions. The black hole devours all matter around it, and then, over the course of a few billion years, reemerges and develops, over a few more billion years, into a new galaxy or star system. Some black holes develop an inconstant rates, accelerating quickly at random intervals before slowing again. Many scientists had believed that this was a by product of cosmic collisions, celestial entities slamming at thousand of light years’ speed into the black hole and making its size ‘jump’. However, recent studies show that, over the past 8 billion years, collisions of this type have no influence on the size of a black hole, or its rate of growth. Then how does the gravitational force of a black hole change? How can it go against all the laws of physics and change its rate of growth and shift in overall size. We haven’t the foggiest. We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

Artist rendering of a black hole; if it was really this color, it would be called a ‘Trippy
Hole’.

In cycling news, Lance Armstrong says he is not concerned or bothered by the on-going federal investigation into his career. In an interview with the Sydney Morning Herald Lance says he has many concerns involving the future of the sport, but refused to speak at length on the US and Food and Drug Administration’s long investigation the United States Postal Service Cycling squad of the late ‘90s, Armstrong’s sponsor for six of his seven Tour de France wins.A grand jury in Los Angeles has been presented with evidence and testimonies for months after doper Floyd Landis presented a case against Armstrong. Armstrong’s final international cycling event will be in Australia’s Tour Down under this spring. Frankly, this is ruining the sport, especially in conjunction with Alberto Contador’s Case of the Tainted Spanish Beef still being deliberated in a Spanish court. The Bohunk smells something fishy in both situations…but that is relatively normal in cycling, unfortunately.

Lance Armstong vs Jan Ullrich: A battle for the ages. Both are suspected of being doped
to the gills throughout their Tour wins. (Ullrich won in 1997; Armstong 1999-2005)

Starbucks, the Best Smelling Store Around, changed it logo to celebrate its 40th anniversary, highlighting their traditional green siren but dropping the circle that heretofore surrounded her. People with nothing better to do commenced directly to bitching, saying it was dumb to remove the name of the company from the logo. Right, because no one knows who the Swish, Golden Arches or Eagle belong to…(Nike, McDonald’s and American Eagle, just in case) Obviously it is not a huge deal, and the Bohunk wonders if half the people complaining would have even noticed the difference if they weren’t told of it. You can decide for yourself, below.

The first three are obviously Starbucks cups, but the last one, I have no idea what it
is used for or what corporation to associate it with. If only it said what do to with it somewhere…

Rich Rodriguez was fired by the University of Michigan. Anyone want the job?

(Crickets)

In another contribution to World Going To Hell Via Hand Basket, a new edition of “Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” will lack the word “nigger” and be replaced by the word “slave” which, in context, with neither make sense or illustrate the inhuman status African-Americans held during Twain’s time, an important lesson for youngsters to learn, appreciate and detest. All 219 uses of “nigger” are removed after Alan Gribben, a professor at Auburn University, said he felt uncomfortable saying the word aloud in class. The Bohunk kindly instructs him to grow up. The initial print of the sanitized version ran at 7,500 copies and should be finished by February. No schools have expressed interest in teaching with the new version. Kudos for taking the opportunity of the harsh, terrible language as a way to show the youth of America just how ugly man can be in the hopes of making a better society. Any high school student would argue that they hear worse language in the hallway at school on any given day than that found in “Huck Finn” or “Tom Sawyer” and a quick listen to rap music would show that 219 uses of the n-word would be the equivalent of two or three songs nowadays.

In the on-going check in on Haiti, which the Bohunk regrets has been lacking in recent weeks, we unfortunately find little positive. The new problem (as if existing ones were not completely and inhumanely sufficient) is rape. Amnesty International is reporting to news outlets that gangs of armed men are prowling the countryside and urban streets alike, attacking, molesting, raping and kidnapping women. The problem is especially rife in the squalid camps around Port-au-Prince, the nation’s beleaguered capital which has suffered from political strife, a massive earthquake and an outbreak of cholera, just to name the major plagues. Amnesty International claims that security in these refugee camps is completely invisible except near food drops, which, with tens of thousands of starving citizens close by, need constant guarding. The women have almost no protection; even in their dwellings, many are raped after men simply cut through the side of the tent with a knife or push the entire shack over. According to an official in Haiti, a Mr. Ducos, “most of these crimes go unpunished” because there is not enough police influence to track or prosecute a suspected rapist, even if he was seen in broad daylight by hundreds of people. Haiti is a terrible place for everyone, but the women and children of that country are experiencing a life that is riddled with loss, hate and misery. Be grateful for your own lot in this world, because you could be living in Haiti.

Sorry to end the Update on such a sour note. Quickly, note that the Schleck Brothers will be announcing their sponsor and kit this evening, 8 pm Paris time. The boys will finally have a name to the Best Team Ever Without A Name…Also, be sure to follow me on Twitter, @theflyingbohunk for quick Update access every morning and news throughout the day. Like what Snooki is up to…

Thanks for reading, enjoy NBC’s Thursday night line-up, it should be quite good. Chapeau!

Contador’s Meat, Ginger Coach, and DubYah on Torture….

Just as I said the Cowboys can’t fire Wade Phillips, they do. Replacing him with Jason Garrett, the offensive coordinator, gives the Cowboys the opportunity to appear like they are changing something, but not really changing anything. Garrett will run the same system, with the same players, will the only real change coming in who is calling plays defensively. Unfortunately for Garrett, he is red-headed. He is also 1-7, without his starting quarterback Tony Romo, and has an unforgiving schedule ahead. They play the Giants, Redskins and Saints still this season, all on nationally televised time slots. So if you dislike the Cowboys, and we all do, enjoy this season. And you’ll be able to watch it!

Space is pretty big. In fact, it is so large that we lack the fundamental ability to truly see it, and so our research and, in turn, our understanding of it is limited. Now researchers have discovered a way to use phenomena in space, “gravitational lenses”, that magnify galaxies and celestial bodies that are millions of billions (read that again, millions of billions, that’s how old the universe is) older than galaxies around the Milky Way. This gives scientists the capability to study how the universe ages and to look for changes in the developments of galaxies or the universe itself. The Herschel space telescope, operated by the European Space Agency, detects the infrared tendencies of these gravitational lenses and can help scientists utilize them more effectively. This goes to show; we do not know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

In the ongoing investigation of Alberto Contador and his Tainted Spanish Meat, the UCI has announced that it will seek a ruling from Spain’ council on sport to decide what action to take on Contador. This is a long awaited step in a process which will ultimately decide if the two or three time champ will retain his 2010 title and avoid a two-year ban for doping. Contador has said that if handed the ban he would possibly retire. Spain’s governing body of sport will reach a decision and hand down to the UCI what essentially serves as a recommendation for punishment if found guilty, or as a vote of innocence. If the UCI does not agree with the decision, they can take their case to the International Arbitration of Sport to reverse the decision or adjust the punishment. This is not a verdict, but it does indicate that the UCI believes there is something fishy going on…
.
“Can you believe this guy? Tainted meat? Gimme a break.” ~Lance

The Pittsburgh Steelers defeated the Cincinnati Bengals to essentially end all hope for the Striped Cats. Ben “Touches Without Permission” Roethlisberger looks solid after his suspension and, in weeks past, has brushed off the rust and turned in some fine work. He is the best quarterback in the league to rape a woman. Go Ben!

In his recently released memoir, former President Bush defends waterboarding and other torture techniques…and Republicans will defend him for saying that. People, as a rule, seem to be all for torture until it’s them being drowned, even if it is “simulated.” The ever-eloquent Bush went onto say that, upon hearing of the 9/11 attacks, his “blood was boiling. We were going to find out who did this, and kick their ass.” THAT is the man who led our country for eight years. Sounds more like a hillbilly who had his beer stolen, not a sitting President in a time of extreme crisis.

In the Myanmar election mentioned yesterday in the Update, a major shocker! Hot off the press! The pro-military party won with over 80% of the vote! No way! The military, who forced some people from their homes to vote, claims it played no role in what it called a “historic moment.” No less than SIX (6) parties have already lodged complaints to the election commission of the country, citing obvious tampering and fraud. The commission, appointed by the military, will hear their case this week. And, probably do nothing at all.

In a quick note, Lions staff fear quarterback Matthew Stafford (he’s Matthew off the field, Matt while on it) may be lost for the season after reinjuring his right shoulder. As much potential as he has, he may never pan out if he can’t finish a season. He has missed a total of 12 games in two years, if you count games he started but failed to finish and add together those missed quarters.

Short Update today, and not a good one. Thank you for soldiering through. Enjoy “Funniest Home Videos” on ABC Family this evening.

Queen James, Tornado Warning, and (More!) Tainted Spanish Meat...

The Cowboys lost. Again. While it ruins my chances at Monday Night Pick'em for the rest of the season, it ends all hope for the 'Pokes; no playoffs, no winning season, no new starlet girlfriend for Romo as his broken collarbone heals in the coming weeks. Romo will be replaced by Jon Kitna, the one time savior of the Lions over a span of roughly 6 games before plummeting to lose the rest of the games that season. Hopefully, he does the same for Dallas.

In weather, a topic rarely breached in the Update, there is a tornado warning effective until Tuesday in Michigan, from Kalamazoo to Mecosta County. As I pedaled into a 20 mph wind yesterday and woke to a 30 mph wind this morning, I wondered what, in deed, was going on. It' 67 degrees in Michigan in October. If you don't believe in climate shift, go suck an egg. That is all...

The NBA opens tomorrow night with Queen James and his Heat taking on the Celtics. After all the hype and annoying sports talk jabber, actual basketball sounds mildly interesting. I watch the play-offs; the regular season seems a bit redundant. James goes into Boston with a new team, a new ad campaign and a new shoe deal in the works with Nike. Expect a round of the glorious boo-birds ringing in his ears as he takes the court. He is a coward for leaving the Cavs, but basketball fans must know; you are forgotten if you don't win rings. They also remember how you got them, LeBron.

In the Case of Contador and the Tainted Spanish Meat (sounds like a book series) the 2 or 3 time Tour de France champion's home town of Pinto, Spain, gathered to create a 3 km human chain in support of the beleagured champion. Really, they were just trying to shield him as he began another drug transfusion behind them. Earlier in the month, the mayor of the small town hung a yellow banner from town hall as a show of support for the rider, who has disappeared since denying use late last month. No decision has been made in his case.

In other cycling news, Contador's one time teammate and one time rival Lance Armstrong announced he will end his international cycling career at the Tour Down Under in January. The Australian stage race was Armstrong's first during his comeback from retirement two years ago thie spring. Armstrong, like Contador, is under investigaton of doping charges and a litany of other offenses. (One day,there will be a story without doping charges, I promise) All this Federal money to investigate a man who pedaled faster than other men in tightly fitting clothing around France. There are homeless people who could use a roof over their heads; let the UCI deal with Lance.

And now, the first ever Poll by the Update; Who is in the World Series? Originally, I had hoped for readers to choose a winner, but it sounds like no one knows who is playing. Leave a comment with the teams and, if you know that, who will win. Hint: It's not the Cubs.

That's all we have time for this morning. Thanks for the read and tell your friends. It will get better before it gets worse; I'm planning to write some reall crappy stuff later in the week. Enjoy "Community" on NBC tonight!