Super Bowl Recap: They Were Who We Thought They Could Be

You saw it, the Bohunk assumes, with your own eyes; the Green Bowl Packers are the Super Bowl Champions, just as predicted using the Cheer-Babeless Formula as broken down by the Bohunk all last week. No Cheer-Babes, no problem. The CheeseCraniums won 31-25 in one of the best Super Bowls in modern history. Scoring, big hits, turnovers, chess-match-like head games by Thieves coach Mike Tomlin (not Omar Epps) and Packers top banana Mike McCarthy. The game had it all, except, sadly, Cheer-Babes. You’ve no doubt heard the game analyzed every possible which way by every possible Talking Head since Sunday night; “Big Rapist” Ben didn’t show up, Aaron Rodgers removed the Brett Favre curse from his own legacy, the Packers overcame injuries (Chuck Woodson, Donald “DUCK!” Driver and the shortly missing Sam Shields) to win. All of these things were important. But the biggest surprise for the Bohunk was this. The biggest cheap shot artist in the league, in the biggest game in the world, against the best team he has faced, left the game without any real mention, and no personal fouls. James Harrison, the most fined player in the NFL, was non-existent against the Packers. The Bohunk put an over/under side-bet on Twitter, putting the number at 2 penalties for Mr. Harrison. The Bohunk should have put it at 2 for tackles. Harrison had one tackle and one sack. That’s it. The Talking Heads have been blasting Polamalu all week (and by that I mean mostly Monday) for disappearing; he, at least, had three tackles.

Torch Passed. Via text message.

The Bohunk game ball goes to a favorite Packer of mine, Donald Driver. The guy has been in Green Bay since 1999, just a few years after Favre took the Pack to its first title since the  Lombardi Era. Driver has been a consistent receiver and a steady face in the Packer locker room. DD missed most of the Super Bowl with both knee and ankle sprains, but no one deserves that trophy more. Congrats, Pack…Now enjoy it, cause the Lions are coming for you. (Stop laughing)

Brett Favre’s Flames, Steve Jobs and Bankruptcies….

It is Tuesday, the very first one of 2011 and the last time you will have written 1/4/11 unless you are postdating something. Some stuff happened, so we will take a moment to reflect on the day that was and what shall come…

First, the techie nerd in me is ‘totally stoked’ for the Consumers Electrics Show which runs this week in Vegas. As is the custom, Apple and Steve Jobs will not attend the event, leaving a gaping hole in the show’s intrigue for some. But to others, it offers a great look at the stuff others have made, usually as imitations of iThings. The biggest area is tablets, namely, fake iPads. Competitors to the iPad, like the Samsung Galaxy, are capitalizing on a massive market that Apple essentially created. Over 126,000 retailers will attend the show looking for alternative to Apple products, and most specifically for the tablets being released by electronics heavy weights like Sony, Motorola and Vizio. For the Bohunk, the most attractive tablet to emerge will be the Windows 7 mobile edition being unveiled by Top Banana Steve Ballmer. A tablet with a working and mobile version of Media Center, iTunes and even Microsoft Office could be absolutely brilliant, especially with the Cloud external storage system gaining popularity. An external software system means you don’t have to worry about overloading the storage on the device, and means manufacturers can keep prices a bit lower. To note, the tablet this year accounted for roughly $300 million and this before all the powerhouses of the electronics companies joined battle…

Fear the Turtle-Necked Behemoth: Steve Jobs throwing around an iPad.

There will be some terribly depressing numbers popping up over the next few weeks as financial reports finish up detailing the dismal economic year that was 2010. For instance, we bring to the fore this cheery little tale: Over 1.5 million Americans filed for bankruptcy this past orbit, with this past December being one of the worst financial months in history. November was close to the worst in history, and then bankruptcy filings went up another 3%. And experts expect filings to continue to rise over the coming months as well…

When the Bohunk finishes an especially good book, like A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson, I cannot help but be obliged to let you all, dear readers, of my experience. Bill Bryson, if you have not read him, is, flatly, an amazing writer. In infromative texts, you will not find a better author who can easily bounce from genetics to astronomy, anthropology to geology, evolution and physics. And as you are reading, you are hardly aware that you have made these same transitions, so seamless is his book’s construction. You cover, as the title indicts, just a bit of everything, but together, you see how we know what little we really do. And that, I point out, is a fact I share with you three or four times a week. For example, as Bryson points out near the end of the 450 page leisure read, if your family is from Europe over the past 2,000 years, you share the same genes as 95% of the world. And all of those people are descended from some 10,000 Africans who ventured north to Europe just 25,000 years ago. Amazing stuff. (Note: 25,000 years is not even a blink, another point Bryson drives home. In a world 4.2 billion nears old, and a universe a few dozen billion years older, you must remember that man has lived but 0.0001% of the life of this earth) You can pick up the read here at Barnes and Noble. 

Google is unveiling a virtual newsstand to compete with Apple’s news application for iPad. Google is shopping around for content providers such as Time Warner in preparations for creating an Android-only application to provide up-to-the-minute news, eerily similar and obviously in direct competition with Apple. Other devices, like the nook for Barnes and Noble and the Kindle for Amazon, offer electronic versions of copy like The New York Times and USA Today. This is an unabashed tech-version of the Update, so save this or ask a question should you have one.

Brett Favre, though done for the season, is again in the headlines. After sitting out and watching the Hyperboreans lose to the Lions (the Lions being 4-0 in 4 weeks, mind you) two women have filed sexual harassment charges against Favre, this just a week after the NFL fined him $50,000 for the Jenn Sterger incident of 2008. Christina Scavo and Shannon O’Toole say that Favre treated them “like slabs of meat” (Scavo’s words) and asked them to engage in three-way sex with him. They claim he repeatedly texted them while with the Jets, say he was lonely and he had “bad intentions.” For fans, these types of charges cannot come as a surprise after the Jenn Sterger incident and this past season’s allegations of taunting and harassment by Jets players toward Mexican TV reporter Ines Sainz. Both Scavo and O’Toole were let go from from the Jets organization shortly after this time period, with both women claiming that Favre had a role in the decision.

Obviously, ‘hostesses’ like Jenn Sterger are integral parts of an organization,
and reflect the professional environment that they work in. Come on, Jets,
you’re going to lose these types of arguments.

Over 500 homes have been evacuated in northern Australian as flood waters there spread. Heavy rains over the course of several days have given way to flooding in 20 towns in the Queensland area, submerging 20 or so towns under varying depths of water. Ten people have been killed with over 200,000 people very much affected. And in a very Australian turn, rescue and emergency teams are warning residents of another factor with which they must contend: wild-life. Exotic snakes, alligators and other misplaced, starving and panicked creatures are especially dangerous in these situations. The waters may not recede for some weeks, and may take decades in some areas to return to normal. Chin up, my under water readers…

On a personal note, the Bohunk recently journeyed deep into nature on snowshoes. Northern Michigan is a year-round, perpetually beautiful place. The woods of Interlochen, are, if you will allow me to wax poetic, hold snow softly like the hand of a beautiful maiden, branches sagging in the weight of soft pillows of virgin powder. Below are some pictures of my adventure, including one of an abandoned pontoon that drifted south in the wind and wedged itself on the shore next to the mouth of a small creek. Sort of like an eerie, ghost ship except for the cup holders.

Derelict Pontoon….

Thanks for reading the Update, come on back tomorrow for more cool things that will distract you from Facebook for 2-4 minutes…Have a terrific afternoon as well.

2011, Big Ten Disaster, Play-offs, and Planet…

Happy New Year and the very first Monday of such. Now that it’s 2011, all of your dreams will come true, your shortcomings will disappear and your drug habit will be a thing of the past…Or so 2011 would have you think.

There is no magical aspect of a new year. In fact, the idea of transitioning to a new calendar year on December 31st is somewhat arbitrary from a lifestyle standpoint. Why not on March 31st? Or February 2nd? We have attached ideas of new selves to that of the New Year, and so, we make resolutions. The Bohunk’s (no soda till June) will be difficult, but it comes from necessity. The off-season will soon be the on-season in cycling, and though the Bohunk has no money to race and a gracious, friendly but financially non-committal sponsor, the season ahead could be very short. However, it is a New Year…Keeping with the naïve hope of the masses, why not dream and dream big? Team RadioShack, you have my email address…

As mine eyes slid over this headline, “Bombing opens veins of Christian anger in Egypt”, the Bohunk noticed the irony of the statement. Christians, instructed by their Messiah thousands of years before he graced a grilled cheese, should turn the other cheek. 21 were killed New Years Day when a bomb exploded in a Coptic Church. The Christians were quick to blame their government for failing to protect them from discrimination and responded with rioting and protest outside the headquarters of the Coptic Church in Cairo. Protestors attacked Muslims around Cairo during the riots, injuring dozens and damaging a mosque. So, as you can see, violence is the religious answer to violence. Those claiming the divine support of a great imaginary friend are stronger than those with a similar, indeed, the same imaginary friend. Christians make up just 10 percent of the 80 million human beans in Egypt, but that number is vocal and politically important. Many Christians feel as though they are unwanted in Egypt (no shit) but refused to leave (bad idea). The Bohunk abhors the violence against the Christians, but rioting and beating Muslims in the streets is not the best way to stop a nation hating you. So, to both sides, knock it off.

“Turn thine cheek…then sucker punch thine enemies.” ~ Jesus Christ

In typical Republican boasting and grandstanding, new chairman of the House Oversight Committee Darrell Issa has labeled the entire Obama administration as corrupt. Of course; they are all politicians. (pause for laughter 1, 2,3,) But seriously, unless you have some thick hard facts to back up that kind of claim you are really hanging your willy in the wind and looking foolish. And any evidence, Mr. Issa? He could only point to the trillion dollars in stimulus spent by the Obama administration as a possible corrupting influence. The Bohunk points out that the Bush administration also had $1 trillion to blow on rich banks in 2007. Coming into office with this type of agenda and bias is only going to make bipartisan politicking impossible and the process slow. Issa is going to be on a witch hunt for his term as chairman, when the country needs someone protecting them from banks and lobbyists…And Issa.

In amateur football news, New Years Day was the worst in Big Ten history, with Michigan, Michigan State, Penn State and Wisconsin all losing, and only Wisconsin doing so in style. The Badgers were a failed two-point conversion from taking the TCU Horned Frogs (a team nickname that needs no substitution) to overtime, while the other Large Dix (dix is ten in French) squads fell by as much as 42 points (Go ye Sons of Sparta!) on the day. Michigan’s defense, abysmal all year, was somehow worse. They were only mildly inconvenient to Mississippi State’s offense, who casually ambled down the field to score on most of their possessions. Denard Robinson played well in the first quarter, but the pressure of knowing you must score each drive ate away at Michigan’s best player, and his mates, until they crumbled. It is no secret; the SEC is the best football conference in ‘Merica. The top six schools in the SEC would all win every other conference if they were in it, including the Large Dix and the Not-So-Large Big 12 (they will have only 10 teams next fall, losing Nebraska and Colorado) in that scenario. The SEC and Large Dix play again in the Cotton Bowl with Ohio State taking on Arkansas. Ohio State will be starting five players who will be suspended for the first five games next season. Why they can play this game is simple; money. Ratings with Terrelle Pryor, Boom Herron, and the other Black Listers will be much higher than without them. The NCAA will let the kids play, make their money, then scold them once the ink dries. The NCAA is a shameless, shameless body.

Michigan’s “Slightly Inconvenient” Defense: Get close, arm tackle, and hope they start running the wrong way…

In (more) professional fooball, the play-offs are set. The Bears, Falcons, Seahawks and Eagles won their divisions while the Packers and Saints are in as wild cards for the NFC. And when the defending Super Bowl champs and the trendy pick to be next year’s defending Super Bowl champs are in as wild cards, you know the deck is stacked. (Note the excellent card symbolism) In the AFC, the Patriots, Steelers, Chiefs and Colts are in as division winners with the Jets and Ravens serving as the wild cards. The MVP race is between Mike Vick and Tom Brady, with the Bohunk pushing for Brady simply for the fact that he is the best quarterback in the league, bar none. To lose to a fellow quarterback would just be insulting. And if you take Brady out of the line-up, they don’t win that division, and they may not even make the play-offs. That is valuable. More NFL stuff as the week goes on…

A 45 year old amateur astronomer, who does not even own a telescope, is given partial credit in the discovery of four gaseous exoplanets on the very edge of the solar system. Peter Jalowiczor used data measurements released by the University of California-Santa Barbara to locate the rough locations and orbits of four planets that ranged from 58 to 190 light years away. As noted, the man has never even owned a telescope, but has used his mind and impeccable mathematics to discover planets that cannot even be seen by our most powerful telescopes. And these planets are believed to be gigantic, as large as the behemoth Jupiter but several times the distance from the Sun to Jupiter away. One of the planets has over 4,000 days in a single year, while another has just 110. Some years ago, we didn’t think these exoplanets existed; now we have catalogued over 500 with new celestial bodies being discovered all the time. Just goes a cool glass of perspective. We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

That will be it for the Bohunk, thanks for reading, and if you see Brett Favre, please hide him in a cave until next September so we don’t have to hear him seesaw about retirement. Come on back tomorrow, should you all, my dear readers, find the time…

Virginia: Stupid,Brett Favre, Sid the Anti-Christ and Jennifer Anniston…

Welcome to your Thursday, and welcome most graciously to the Update. Throw on your slippers and sip a cuppa joe, it’s educatin’ time…

But not, it seems, for kids unfortunate enough to be growing up in Virginia. A panel of historians examined 5 textbooks in the state, each from a different grade level and covering different periods of US and world history. They were shocked at the number of mistakes therein, causing many to point out that, in the race for ignorance through crappy textbooks, Texas just got a competitor. The amount of flatly wrong information astounded the historians, including such basic knowledge as the start of WWI (The book claimed 1916, just plain wrong. It started in 1914, and the US entered in 1917) and the number of states that joined the Confederacy. The volume covering the American Civil War claimed that freed African-Americans fought in battles throughout the conflict in massive numbers, which is untrue. The amount of black to fight in the Civil War is estimated to be no more than a few thousand at most. The Department of Education in the state of Virginia allowed the books, though the Bohunk thinks that the main reason is that they were slightly less expensive than others. Money is the root of all stupidity…Just ask that 12th Confederate state, should you encounter it.

The Wicked Witch of the East, Christine O’Donnell of “I’m not a witch; I’m like you” fame is now being investigated by Federal agents for questionable campaign spending after a citizens rights group filed a complaint to authorities. O’Donnell conjured up (note the witch reference there, really brilliant stuff) a record $7.3 million in Delaware, but spend the majority of the money on some questionable advertising spots (including feeling the need to deny being a witch) and an anti-gay speaker. She admits to spending as much as $20,000 on her mortgage payment, which is illegal by state and federal campaign laws, even if the residence served as a headquarters for the campaign. Also very illegally, O’Donnell did not file her FEC disclosure forms, which are meant to track spending, until November 16th. This could be a sticky one for the Wicked Witch of the East…..

“I’ll fill out my FEC disclosure forms next time, my pretties, and my mortgage taxes too!
Muhahahahaha!”

In another story to make you wish the Tea Party was really just three year olds drinking air from plastic cups with stuffed animals, the organizer of the Tea Party convention just said something really, really insensitive and wrong. Judson, yes, not making that up his name is Judson, Phillips lumped the NAACP, a historic body committed to protecting the interests and further the cause of social equality for African-Americans as a ‘Liberal Hate Group’, along with the Department of Homeland Security (that isn’t too liberal) and the ACLU. The ignorant prick (forgive my opinion) stated that, “To the NAACP, anyone to the right of Karl Marx is a racist,” which might be the most ignorant, uninformed and, in some ways, incriminating statement I’ve heard so far this morning. It shows that the Tea Party’s founder, if not the Tea Party as an organization, has racist tendencies and sees policy along race lines. Phillips has also been quoted as saying that only property owning citizens should vote, and that the US should ban the Methodist church. So he is proposing reverting to voting policy from the 18th century and religious policy of Stalin…Way to go, TeaBaggers…

In my on-going dislike of Jennifer Aniston and all romantic comedies, I bring up the comparison made by fellow actor Rupert Everett. He compared Jennifer Anniston to the Crab Nebula, one of my favorites nebulae, in a most negative way. As Everett, who really knows his star formation, stated that Anniston is famous for starring in some serious flops, which serve for the astronomical ‘explosion’ of stars. When the movie sucks, and hers almost certainly do, she somehow swirls and gathers enough hydrogen atoms to compress and then convert into helium, resulting in a new star, or, for her, a new film. As for the left over metals and silicates not absorbed into the star, they clump and form planets that revolve around the star that is Anniston becoming planets, or shitty actors like Gerrard Butler. The Bohunk applauds this sort of intelligent comparison to a very unintelligent topic…Chapeau, Rupert Everett.

Here, you can see the obvious Crab Nebula comparison, and also the
metallic materials orbiting Anniston….Very scientific reason for a
tasteless nude photo’s inclusion in the Update, promise….

Finally, Skype is ready to use 3G for mobile phones like the iPhone 4. The heretofore impossible feat of video chatting off of a wifi connection is now quite simple. The Skype app is now ready for the iPhone, ending a long conflict as carriers like AT&T (note the expert use of the amper sand) who want to find ways to keep its users from reducing their minutes and simply using apps like Skype and Google Voice instead of their AT&T minutes. Some users are complaining of poor video quality and slow connection times, but the bugs will be fixed before too long. The bandwidth for the the Skype app is rather demanding, pulling down almost 16 megabytes (in and out) in a five minute conversation. Android has not finished a Skype app for its market, though the project is nearly finished. Verizon may block it from Blackberry, limiting it only to phones that Android uses, so Blackberry users will be out in the cold, though most lack a forward facing camera in any case.

In a rare (don’t worry, when the NFL is done, you’ll be hockey’ed up to the point of being knowledgeable about a variety of forecheck schemes) NHL story, Sid “The Kid or Anti-Christ” Crosby had his 25 game scoring streak end last night against the Islanders. Crosby scored in every game since November 3, the longest streak since Mats Sundin scored in 33 straight in 1991. The Penguins lost last night as well, with the Islanders’ Rick DiPiettro padding away a Crosby shoot-out try to take the win, finishing with 37 saves. (For those with souls, a.k.a. Red Wings fans, don’t worry, we did win against Dallas, 7-3)

No Brett, you can’t play until you’ve passed your concussion test.

Finally, as you’ve no doubt heard, the NFL fined Brett Favre just $50,000 (or one-tenth of what he makes in a week) for not fully cooperating with the league in their investigation. Jen Sterger, the foxy mama who received the inappropriate texts, told her lawyers she is not happy with the result of the investigation and that charges may be brought in a civil lawsuit. Favre has not passed his concussion test, which makes playing against the Lions this Sunday extremely unlikely, meaning he will end his career inactive on the sidelines. What do you think of the fine? Is it enough, or is the league being too lenient? Leave a comment with your thoughts….

That’s it for the Update, thanks for reading and come back tomorrow for the Fox of the Week and just a bit more effort on my part….

Uranium, the Pro Bowl, Vuvuzelas and Swashbucklers…

Welcome to the Update on this glorious Wednesday morning, and many thanks for finding your way to it, and taking a break from Facebook stalking to do so…

Marie Curie was not just a pretty face. You may recall her and her husband worked to discover radiation through uranium decay. Their work set the basis for carbon dating which others would use to date fossils, and more importantly, the earth itself. Curie would go on to be the only person two win Nobel Prizes in two sciences, physics and chemistry, before eventually playing the ultimate price for her efforts. She died of leukemia in 1934. Her household items are so radioactive that they are in lead boxes; her lab books are so drenched with radioactive particles from isotope studies that those hoping to review Curie’s notes must don special suites and do so in a lead room. That is A for effort…

One Glowing Polish Mama: Marie Curie

Cancer has, for many reasons, been thought of as a contemporary illness. Researchers are now finding that, while exponentially more prevalent today than in centuries past, cancer is a disease which has been a part of the human race since as long as we have lived. Studies show that cancer was a rarity in antiquity, found in only some 200 documented remains on major excavation sites. Obviously, of the millions of homo sapiens who have roamed the globe, this represents a tiny fraction of those who may have lived with or died from cancer. But many now believe that issues like pollution, tobacco use and the more frequent and consistent ingestion of chemicals after the Industrial Revolution are major contributors to the wide spread presence of cancer in modern society. Other factors in cancer’s spread are obesity, sexual and reproductive practices and how and what we eat. Some scientist think the rarity of the disease is also attributable to the prevalence of others; diseases like fevers and poxes probably struck down thousands before they began having cancer related symptoms. More research can determine just how rare cancer, and indeed, many other diseases and ways of life were in ancient history. But much of this is lost in the past. For example, the estimated number of people to have lived and died before the year 1 AD is a billion, and roughly 2 billion by 1750. The scientists of mankind have documented and examined roughly 100,000 corpses. So we have information on less than one ten thousandth of one percent of all the lives ever lived. We have very much to learn…

As 2010 comes to a close, the Bohunk looks at a few words that joined the English lexicon, including just important fixtures Vuvuzela (the World Cup noisemaker), the Justin Beiber (the goofy hair cut named after the underage singer) and a plethora of terms heretofore known only to fossilized fuel enthusiasts, top-kill, bottom-kill, static kill all in reference to the Gulf Oil Spill this past summer. The Bohunk’s personal favorite was mama grizzly, one of the many Palinisms to break out in 2010. Mama grizzlies failed to elect in the Tea Bagging women they attempted to support, but all but one successfully bought and failed to read Oprah’s Book Club selections…Go Soccer Moms!

Fig 2. A true Mother Grizzly protects her young…and votes straight Democrat…

If you read regularly (Hey Cara) you know that the Bohunk loves pirates. I have quietly been rooting for the Somali “barefooted buccaneers” (as they are called in The Times) ever since my freshman year of college when Professor Howe, my World Geography guru, championed their cause. Also, I enjoy any opportunity to utilize the word swashbuckling on all occasions that present themselves. This past week, the pirates claimed $5.5 million in ransoms paid by a German chemical company. Just the next day, the pirates took another European vessel and its 8 man crew as hostage. The pirates are being hounded by the navies of several nations, including the US, to no avail. At the moment, experts claim that pirates hold over 26 vessels and six hundred and nine (609, presented in two forms to emphasize the number)  while being pursued by an armada of over 40 warships representing 30 countries. The pirates are almost all fishermen driven from their waters because the Chinese ignored international law and emptied the fish from the rich banks of fish off the Somali coast. Keep that in mind…These guys have a serious chip on their shoulders, and rightly so…

In Tuesday Night Football, the fifth night of professional football this past week, the Minnesota Brett Favre’s won while being Brett Favre-less. Rookie Joe Webb played like a seasoned vet, though not like a 40-something washed up joke. It is all about balance. The Eagles never really got rolling, with Mike Vick being sacked six times and fumbling twice, on one occasion resulting in a touchdown. This same game, if you’d told me they were playing, would have been a possible NFC Championship preview; it turned out differently. The Vikes will not be in the post season and the Eagles are  going to be a three or four seed behind the Bears and Falcons. Things often turn out differently; if you’d told me a year ago that Leslie Frazier and Joe Webb would be the faces for the Vikings and not the fired Brad Childress or inactive (and aged) Brett Favre, I would have been incredulous to say the least. But that is, in fact, how the cookie crumbles…

One NFL start and Joe Webb is already
sending dirty texts to this woman….

The Bohunk will leave it to your own interest to see who made the NFL Pro Bowl, though I will take a moment to point out an obvious snub. The Packers’ Aaron Rodgers didn’t make it, falling behind Drew Brees, Matt Ryan and Mike Vick. All are deserving, admittedly, but Rodgers is the most important player on his team besides, as some might note, Ryan Grant, whose loss at the beginning of the year has essentially halted the running game in Green Bay. With almost no threat on the ground (if you couldn’t name their running back, Brandon Jackson, don’t worry, few can) Rodgers still passed for 3,693 yards at an efficient 65.5% completion percentage. His rating is over 100 (101.9) and he has tossed 27 TDs to just 10 INTs. Perhaps only Drew Brees understands Rodgers’ plight; Brees lost Reggie Bush and Pierre Thomas to extended injuries and soldiered through it. Vick has LeSean McCoy, one of the best backs in the league already, and Matt Ryan hands the ball off to Michael Turner…frequently. Ryan averages five less attempts per game than Rodgers, but frequently throws only around 20 times. Only because of Rodgers’ missed game due to concussion do their attempts look similar, and Rodgers still threw more yards and touchdowns with a better completion percentage and passer rating. All that said, in the Pro Bowl, go NFC…

Thanks for reading, enjoy the bowl games this evening and remember to brush your tongue, no one enjoys halitosis.

Jewish Football, Showers, Pills and Hades…

It’s Tuesday, which means it is almost surely already been a long week. Take heart, my dear readers, and find within yourself the strength to carry on…And also read for about three minutes.

First, we step onto a cheesy, unprofessional pile of personal interest story. Jews, at least those not in the US, love American football. Israelis have started an amateur football league without prodding, or, indeed, support, from the NFL. Players, ranging in profession from garbage men to doctors and dentists, take off their yarmulkes and replace them with, you guessed it, yarmulkes produced by Under Armor. The league, once only 80 players strong, now has over 400 players, including Jews, Christians and Palestinians. The league itself, the IFL for those who couldn’t guess, is a good indicator of the popularity of the sport across the globe…Though the NFL shouldn’t assume it will work everywhere. The struggling NFL Europe thrives in certain areas, and the forced NFL game in London every season fills the stadium, but is rather quickly out of mind.

As pointed out by a dear reader and pal, Josh “Blues Kluz”, the Bohunk submits the following New York Times article for your perusal. I readily admit that, while I fall humbly short, I hope the Update someday is mentioned with the same respect and in the sentence as The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. This writer has been watching the program for a number of years, and Stewart is consistently the best interviewer on TV, bar none. He is one of the most entertaining people on the planet, and his show still draws huge ratings. His rally with Stephen Colbert this past summer gathered together 250,000 people, not for one particular party or ideology, but for moderation and honest, unsentimental debate. For a look at just how important Stewart was in working toward a health care bill for 9/11 workers, as noted in the Update last week. It’s not everyday the New York Times calls a journalist similar to Walter Cronkite. Especially a cable faux-news anchor…Chapeau, Stewart, chapeau…

The Great Jon Stewart: Fart jokes or foreign policy, he’s game.

In astronomy news, one of the largest meteor showers is coming quickly upon us. The Quadrantid meteor shower is an annual event for astronomers, presenting itself typical during the first week of January. This year, the shower will peak at roughy 8 pm est. on January 3rd. Though the Quadrantid is one of the largest showers, you will need to position yourself some distance away from bright city lights if at all possible. Don’t worry about a telescope; you won’t need it, as these meteors will be plenty bright.The Quadrantid is thought to be the remnants of a dead comet, which has broken up over millions of years and orbits as bits of dust, gases, ice and other debris. It was first recognized as an annual meteor shower in 1839. Check it out, cosmic events are some of the most fascinating events of our planet, and unlike The King’s Speech at your local movie house, they are free. Imagine; bits of rock and metal and ice flying through our solar system at thousands of miles an hour for millions of years, and with such regularity we know what time they will scrape across our atmosphere on a particular day of the year. But what caused the dead comet to break up? Will this body of meteors last forever? At some point, will enough be caught by our atmosphere or the gravities of other planets to make this event cease? We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

The number of dead in a Christmas Eve explosion rises to 80. A bomb in the northern region of Nigeria, in the town of Plateau State, killed at least 80 and police say over 100 are injured. The number of dead continues to rise as victims succumb to the wounds they received days ago. This past March over 100 people were killed in a similar blast in the same city, as members of Muslim and Christian factions battled each other, each bombing the other in “revenge killings”. To note, Muslims, Christians and Jews, along with nearly every religion have killed and died for their belief. An atheist, however, has never killed anyone over religion…Get it? The Bohunk can respect the religious, but killing and fighting over your God is like arguing over who has the toughest, coolest imaginary best friend….

In Monday Night Football action, the New Orleans Saints beat the Atlanta Dirty Birds by a tight score of 17-14. The Saints are not the dominate team that stormed through the regular season and play-offs to win the Super Bowl a season ago, but, very quietly, the Aint’s are 11-4 and just beat Hotlanta in  Hotlanta, something only one team has done in twenty tries. They beat the Steelers Week 8 and went to OT against the Falcons in the first game, so it is safe for you or I to say they remain a threat, especially with Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush back on form. And, of course, it always helps to have Drew Brees….

“Go Deep!” ~ Drew Brees

A new study has found that placebos have a positive effect for patients, even when the patient knows its not a real drug. In the study, all patients were warmly and gently cared for, and some were given pills from a bottle that had “Placebo” clearly printed on it over the course of several visits. Those who received the sugar pill, which, if you should like to sound scientific, is sometimes called an inert substance, said they had much higher pain relief and a decrease in their symptoms.  The authors of the study claim that the most important aspect of the positive outcome for patients was a reassuring and informative doctor who was kind and encouraging; the pill only reinforced their belief in the doctors efforts. Again, the Bohunk begs of you to imagine; your body, composed of millions of atoms and particles, that have existed in different forms since the Big Bang, can be somehow manipulated by your mind to work together better, somehow, by sheer will. The thousands of daily chemical and electrical reactions and impulses can be altered by the ultimate device, your brain. Again, to reiterate a point I cannot help but drive home; We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

Late in the Monday Night game, the Falcons punted from their own 43-yard line with just under 3 minutes to play. According to Briand Burke, football nerd and math genius, the average punt nets 37 yard which would set up the Saints at their own 20. Burke says this would give Hotlanta a 0.15% of winning. That’s a rather small amount. Burke goes on to say that a 4th and 6 outside the red zone is a 44% chance of happening…So why didn’t the Falcons go for it? They had two time outs left, and with solid defense, which they got most of the night, could have tried to get the Saints to go three and out without giving up a field goal. The odds are with you going for it! The Bohunk believes in the Theory of Blame Deflection; coaches play it safely and conservatively, and if things don’t work out, it was the players’ fault. If the coach makes a daring and heroic decision, and fails, it is his fault for trying to win. An excellent example is the Patriots last season, on the infamous 4th and 2 against Indianapolis. Belichick was lambasted all season for the call, though, in his defense, 4th and 2 is fifty-fifty, and over time is fifty-fifty. By punting, the team facing forth and short is giving themselves one-in-four odds of winning, while the bold coach either wins or loses in regulation. And as we all know, fortune favors the bold…and affluent….

The Detroit Lions are 3-0 in the past three games…In the event of Hades freezing over, please dress accordingly…Your down jacket and mittens should be appropriate…

Thanks for reading, enjoy the bowl games this evening as well as the postponed Hyberboreans vs. Egg Salad match-up. Back tomorrow, as always, with better effort….

Saturnalia, Devin Hester and Science Knocks Down Religion…

This just in: The Chicago Bears are very quietly a decent football squad. They beat the struggling but still borderline-respectable Minnesota Hyperboreans last evening, and now can win the NFC North by winning out, including the regular season finale against the Packers…In two weeks, we shall have a match-up of timeless glory; Packers and Bears at the very end of December, at Lambeau Field in the snow for the division title.

Ready-made James Bond villain and WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says that he will not return to Sweden to face questions over an alleged sexual assault case. Assange was arrested and detained two weeks ago before being released from prison on bail. He says he does not feel obliged to be at the “beck and call” of those accusing him of crimes. Assange was arrested just after the release of thousands of diplomatic cables that embarrassed hundreds of international diplomats, worrying US officials that their partners would resent US involvement. The Bohunk suspects they, perhaps, resent two wars, a massive trade advantage, the largest military in the world and the tendency to embargo any one who does not fall in line. But the cables could also be embarrassing, too. More news on Assange throughout the week…

Bond villain and WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange…He ain’t going
nowhere….

In the on-going battle between science and religion, the University of Kentucky is facing a sizable lawsuit from C. Martin Gaskell, a professor who applied for the gig but was denied because of his belief in God. University board members pointed to a paper written by Gaskell that pointed out some ‘weak points’ in evolution, though many of these points had been explained and are accepted as the likely method for our becoming up-right. Board members believed that Gaskell’s belief in an old man in the sky with a long white beard may inhibit his views and research. His views, especially in his now infamous research paper, show that he holds certain beliefs that have been refuted by available evidence. Does anyone really win this battle? Religion and science seems to be getting only more divisive, though at least no one is getting burned at the stake anymore… At least in the US. Saudi Arabia and other Middle Eastern states still have blasphemy laws on the books, and have executed people for blasphemy (usually Christians) in the past five years. It’s a very, very backwards world…

Did you rise at 2 am last night to enjoy the lunar eclipse? The Bohunk slept comfortably through it, but many stargazers jumped at the chance to see the last lunar eclipse of 2010, and the first such eclipse to occur on the winter solstice since 1638. Another lunar eclipse will not be viewable in the US until April 15, 2014.

A Lunar Eclipse. Now you can say you saw it…

In another contribution to the Bohunk’s on-going series, the World Is Going to Hell Via Handbasket, Southerners from South Carolina met in Charleston to ‘celebrate’ the 150 year anniversary of the political beginning of the Civil War, the conflict which killed or wounded over a million Americans. Crazy rich folk met in expensive and ornate period dress to reenact South Carolina’s decision to secede from the Union. Though nearly all historians agree that the South’s secession was based almost entirely on the belief that individual states held the right to decide on the legality of holding slaves, and having the economic power that resulted in holding millions of slaves, many claimed the night, or the war itself, had anything to do with slavery. They said the shin-dig was to celebrate the bravery of people defending their homes…If they hadn’t seceded, there would have been no war. That is just plainly ignorant. And what would people think of German Americans having a party to remember the ‘bravery’ of Germany during the Holocaust? Or Japanese Americans celebrating Pearl Harbor? Same deal, and saying it isn’t is very unintelligent.

In the on-going piece on the development of the Christmas we now know, we have reached Roman influence. The Romans changed the pagan Solstice festival to coincide with their own feast, Saturnalia, in honor of the god Saturn. Saturn was a symbol of agriculture and the redistribution of food and wealth from the rich to poor, which made December and January the months of giving, feasting and having a good time. The rich held massive banquets to help feed the poor over the winter months, especially those who had a rough, unproductive harvest….

Apple has pulled the WikiLeaks app from its market, thought Android has let the app stay. The app only came online five days ago after struggling to stay on the Internet after being booted from many servers and being blocked by some governments. Apple gave no reason for pulling the app, which was selling for $1.99, half of which went to fund WikiLeaks. The app is still downloadable for Android, but even that site says the app ‘boarders legality’ though it is still quite popular. Some have said that this could make hackers go after Apple, though probably to little effect. No consumer boy-cot would do very much to hurt Apple and none is likely to be organized. Many experts believe this is just a part of the US plan to weaken Assange and eventually extradite him to face myriad charges in the States….

A quick note: Last night, Devin Hester of the Chicago Bears returned a punt to break the record for return touchdowns in NFL history, breaking the long-held record by Redskin Brian Mitchell. Mitchell took 223 games and over 1,000 returns to hit 13 TDs, while 74 games and 286 games to hit the mark. Hats off, Devin, one of the Bohunk’s favorite players in the league. A second kudos for teamsmanship; Hester’s first words were to thank the 10 other gentlemen who blocked for him, not just last night but throughout his career. What a stand-up character…

To the house and into the record books, the Gentlemanly Devin Hester…

Finally, a last plug for books this holiday season. Fall of Giants by Ken Follett is sure to be a classic, already a fixture on the NY Times Bestseller list and the first installment in the Century Trilogy following five interrelated families in their immigration to and settling in of America. If you’ve read other Follett masterpieces, like Pillars of the Earth, you know there are few authors who master characters and stories like Ken. Fall of Giants is still only available as a hardcover, but it is good enough to buy even at hard cover price, $18.36.

Thanks for reading and have a terrific Tuesday, the Bohunk shall return tomorrow. Chapeau, dear reader, chapeau.

Sportsperson of the Year, A Crying Republican, and the End of Favre...

It is finally time to name the 2010 Bohunk Sportsperson of the Year…Read on to find out who the lucky SOB is, and what they think of their prestigious honor…

First, a quick introduction to the new Speaker of the House, the very, unabashedly-Republican John Boehner. The person (he has not been elevated to Gentleman status by the Bohunk) from Ohio was once a janitor and has risen to become the second person in line to become President of these United States of America. Boehner is known for his ‘old school’ Republican associations, and being well ingrained with elements of the established GOP, as opposed to the Tea Partiers who recently stormed the polls to join him in next years Congress. Unfortunately for Boehner, he is known not just for his politics, but primarily for his crying. Twice while being interviewed on ABC News he broke down into a stammering incoherence. Fellow politicians, including Nancy Pelosi, claim that Boehner frequently breaks down while discussing proposed bills in committee meetings.For those who watch CSPAN (all four of you) Boehner has cried while giving speeches on numerous occasions, including the video below. It is worth noting that when women cry in politics, it is taken as a sign of weakness; Hilary Clinton dropped a tear in her 2008 primary stop in New Hampshire and was roundly criticized. Men, however, are called compassionate when they let it all come out. This is a double-standard that needs to be looked at, especially when it applies to the Speaker of the House. (Nancy Pelosi, it should be noted, has never cried while in office. She is a hard-ass)

Wants to save the American people from terrorism, but voted against a cancer bill that would make insurance companies pay costs of chemotherapy. Note to Americans…Don’t get cancer.

The Bohunk is honored to present Mr. Ted King the coveted Sportsperson of the Year award in its inaugural edition. Ted King is a rare gem; cyclist, blogger, chef and Tweeter-extraordinaire. As a member of the Coolest Looking Cycling Squad Ever, Cervelo TestTeam, he graced the Italian roads in not one but two Giro d’Italias, and has consistently “rocked the party that rocks the pinata” while offering up some hefty servings of blogging nourishment. While he is a heck of a cyclist, Ted is also a heck of a human being. Ted’s commitment to the Krempels Center, an organization committed to improving the lives of those suffering from a brain injury or damage, is one of the coolest athlete-cause hook-ups in modern times. Along with Cutaway Clothing, all proceeds from iamnottedking stickers and half of the cost of shirts go directly to the Krempels Center. And since none of you are Ted King, the iamnottedking clothing line is essentially personalized. As always, you can see Ted’s blog and Cutaway Clothing by selecting the corresponding link in the right hand column of my blog. Upon being notified of his impending (and awesome) award, Ted said, “It (nearly) brings a tear to my eye… The culmination of so much struggle and strife, I am humbled by such a dubious title.” Head over to Ted’s blog (click here if you are too lazy to look on the right) to see pictures and intriguing commentary from the Tedly from his current stay in Italy with his new squad, Liquigas-Cannondale. Congrats, Ted, and enjoy Italy. Thank you for being such an impeccable Gentleman…

Ah, the life of a professional cyclist…Thanks for being such a swell fella, Ted, and all
the best in 2011…The Bohunk will keep everyone Updated on your adventures…

In a huge blow against a potential national healthcare bill, a Virginia State court ruled that the mandate which requires most of the US population to be covered by some amount of insurance is unconstitutional and must be stricken from any potential bill. The law in Virginia states that no citizens, for any reason, should be forced to buy insurance. The judge on the case stated that the mandate’s stipulation that a citizen being forced to buy insurance is “beyond the historical reach of the US Constitution” and is unlawful. Experts agree that an appeal is imminent and the case will almost certainly end up on the desk of the Supreme Court. Recent research shows that up to 15% of the US population is uninsured, a total that makes up roughly 45 million Americans. The mandate was included to ensure that the number of under or uninsured Americans would drastically decrease, and provide coverage for the poor and poverty-stricken working class. The Bohunk would kindly remind the state of Virginia that only one in four Virginians have employer-sponsored insurance…The rest are either covered by a spouse or purchase their own insurance anyway…

In one last shameless plug, the Bohunk beseeches thee to click here to buy my new short story, West. For a whopping $2 bill, you can get an eBook so awesome your computer screen will actually get a little brighter.

Richard "Bulldozer" Holbrook died this morning after undergoing heart surgery to repair his aorta valve. Holbrook was 69 years old. He is best known for his masterful and delicate construction of the Dayton Peace Accords which ended the ethnic turmoil during the dissipation of Yugoslavia. The Accords were signed December 14, 1995. In 2008, Holbrook was brought aboard the Obama Administration's foreign policy team as a special representative to Afghanistan and Pakistan, with the cumbersome task of stabilizing the region and fighting terrorism. His abrasive style (you don't get nicknamed "Bulldozer" for being patient) did not win many friends in the year and a half he worked in Central Asia, but diplomats from all nation's involved were impressed by his tenacity and work ethic. Holbrook has worked as a diplomat for the US government for every administration since John F. Kennedy and has been involved in the Vietnam War and every US conflict till the present day. Holbrook is reported to have discussed tensions in Afghanistan with a Pakistani doctor as he was being sedated for his surgery; his last comment was, "You've got to stop this war in Afghanistan."

For the first time in 18 years and 84 days, Brett Favre did not start for his football team. After suffering a shoulder injury last week, rumors swirled about the "Ol' Gunslinger's" ability to make his 298th consecutive start against the G-Persons. First, he had the luck of the Metrodome's roof collapsing, giving him an extra day to heal up. Second, it is Brett Favre; the guy just heals up. But, alas, it was not to be. Favre was put on the injured reserve just hours before kick-off and was inactive for the game Monday night in Detroit. For some perspective, I draw upon a comment made by a young friend named Riley. He stated, with, I can imagine, a glistening tear upon his cheek, that for the first time in his entire life Brett Favre was not starting a football game during the regular season. The only other times he wasn't playing on Sunday was a result of a playoff loss or a Monday Night game. Favre leads he league in interceptions and inappropriate text messages this season while the Hyperboreans' hopes of the playoffs are essentially non-existent, though mathematically there is still a (very) long shot. It is now time for Favre to limp and hobble off into the sunset, as he should have done three years ago, his legendary name still intact...

That's it for the Bohunk, thanks for reading and have a glorious Tuesday everyone. Congrats, again, to Ted King and stay tuned for the rest of the month for the rest of the Bohunk Awards...

Sweden, Rings, A Wasted Heisman and Miley Cyrus…

It is the week before Christmas and the Bohunk reminds you that the holidays are not only about gifts and presents, but that is how people will remember you. Do not be the guy to show up to the Christmas even empty handed, unless you are really sure they already like you.

The snow of the season blanketed most of the Mid-West and the East Coast over the weekend, dumping a few feet in areas of west New York, northern Indiana and northern Michigan. And, true to form, people acted as though the world might end. This time, however, the accumulation was worth the excitement. The Minnesota Hyperboreans vs. New York G Persons was postponed after the Giants were stranded in Kansas City, and the dome the Vikings play in nearly collapsed. It means Detroit will host its first Monday Night Football game in over a decade, though obviously the Lions will still not partake. Tickets in Detroit are free to whoever would like to watch; the Bohunk predicts a sparse crowd.

What experts believe to be a suicide bomb attempt killed one man and injured to others in Stockholm, Sweden. The Nordic country known for its blondes and neutral stance in foreign policy has long avoided the terror threats and bombings that have rocked other European nations since 2001. Two separate explosions just seconds apart and only 200 yards away rocked a busy commerce center in Stockholm. An e-mail sent to many news outlets claimed responsibility for the attacks, citing Sweden’s support of the US in Afghanistan (Sweden has 500 troops in country) and their support for the cartoonist who drew an image of Allah, which is a pretty big taboo in the Islamic faith. The country also has faced a massive influx of Muslims into the country, prompting a rise in right-wing anti-immigration policy and attitude in response to the influx of foreigners. It is a small world after all…

The controversial image of Allah from Sweden’s cartoonist, Mr. Viilk. Edited to avoid
bombings.

One of the most beautiful and intriguing mysteries in the cosmos was the origins of Saturn’s rings. Many scientists have lobbed guesses, but there was never enough evidence to go beyond theory. The planet’s distance also has prevented any concrete exploration of the composition of the rings and its moons, though they can conclude that the moons are primarily rock and ice. A new theory based on the presence of pockets of hydrogen brings about a new guesstimation. Robin Canup, the author of a new study on Saturn, says that a giant ring of hydrogen once surrounded the planet. This ring had a huge role in the formation of the rinds, creating and destroying planets, and even altering their orbits and send them crashing through Saturn’s atmosphere; if they made it through uncrushed, some actually came out on the other side. Fast forward a billion years, and the hydrogen ring has dissipated, either being captured in Saturn or drifting off into space, leaving some traces in the rings amongst millions of fractured rocks and ice particles. We have studied this planet for decades, and we are only just learning how the most marked trait of any planet in the solar system was formed (although the Bohunk would admit the presence of life on Earth is pretty important too). We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

Saturn and her rings: The result of billions of years of hydrogen slowly dissipating into
the deep recess of space….And nice to look at, too.

A short note on the Heisman: For the first time in twelve years, the Bohunk did not watch the Heisman trophy presentation at the Downtown Athletic Club. Since I was ten years old, I have watched the presentation of the most valued and prestigious award in amateur sports. Sitting in my basement, dressed in shorts and cleats and a jersey, I watched the award handed to Ricky Williams, Eric Crouch, Charles Woodson and the rest; not all amazing pros, or good people in life. But when they were awarded the Bronze Man With A Wicked Stiff Arm, we all knew they were amateurs. Saturday, that same trophy was handed to a player, Cam Newton, who we know to have stolen computers. He left the University of Florida to avoid a academic scandal after he was suspected of cheating and accepting improper assistance. Then, his father offered up his son to the highest bidder, looking for up to $180,000 from Mississippi State, and finally settling on Auburn because, as Cam Newton was quoted by Miss. State sources, “The money was just too good.” The NCAA cleared him because the money from the bowls is too good; Auburn stands to win almost $100 million to split with the SEC. Within a month of the game being played, Newton will be declared ineligible. His Heisman will have to be returned, and his wins, records, and all of his team’s accomplishments will be erased. Simply embarrassing. All the luck in the world to Oregon, My Oregon on January 10th.

A sad look in the Update’s ongoing coverage of the cholera epidemic in Haiti. Clinics and the nation’s experts now say that over 4,000 people have died from cholera with roughly 100,000 being afflicted with the disease since the outbreak began in October. Fears in the Caribbean are now turned to the neighbors of Haiti, however, who fear that the disease may spread to the Dominican Republic or other nations in the area. Experts and the UN have put into practice a system meant to regulate border crossings by those who may have had contact with the sick, and no food or water is allowed to pass into the Dominican Republic. A handful of cases of the disease have been reported in small rural villages along the Haitian border.

Miley Cyrus: Peace, Love and Weed.

In lighter news, videos are out after Miley Cyrus was caught “hitting” (as the kids would say) a bong, which the Bohunk has learned is a device used to smoke the illegal plant-drug marijuana. Cyrus was at her eighteenth birthday party. While a let-down and a poor example for millions of her fans, the Bohunk looks on it positively; at least the video wasn’t her getting “hit” by anybody. (This implies a sex tape, sorry, not easy to mix terminolgy) She has not made a comment about it yet, though the Bohunk suspects it will be, “That’s just Miley being Miley.”

The Detroit Lions beat the Green Bay Packers yesterday by the runaway score of 7-4. It was the first division win since Detroit beat the Bears in 2007. They are still holding their streak of road losses, 25, but to focus on the positive, the Lions beat a very solid Packers team that was a Super Bowl pick by many of the trend-spotting Talking Heads on ESPN. The Packers are still one game behind the Bears for the division title, and the two play to end the season. Both teams are jockeying with the New York G-Persons for the wildcard spot.

In a blustery Chicago Bears vs. New England Flying Elvii match-up, the Best Team In The NFL (Patriots) beat up the Bears, winning by 33 at the half, prompting CBS to switch to the Jets/Finns game at the start! of the third quarter. Tom “Bieber” Brady looked cool as the relatively frigid temperature of a fading white dwarft star as he tossed for two TDs and 369 yards. The Bohunk politely notes to readers that the Pats were dubbed the Best Team In the NFL on October 13th, almost two months ago to the day, and they are now proving it…Someone most have told them of my vote of confidence.

In another contribution to the Bohunk’s Cheap Gifts for the holidays, you may just want to pick up a copy of Earth (The Book): A Visitor’s Guide to the Human Race now just $15 when you buy online. Jon Stewart takes a hypothetical alien through the goings-on and daily life of the Blue Planet’s stewards, humans. It’s a colorful, hilarious book and your wise-ass on the list is going to enjoy each sarcastic page. Just follow the link to Barnes and Noble.

Again, the Bohunk must shamelessly plug his own book, West, on-sale now as an eBook on Barnes and Noble. You can pick it up here for an amazingly good deal of only $2.

Thanks for reading, folks, and come back tomorrow for some more Christmas cheer. And some really depressing world news.

Brett Favre, Fat Albert, Cyber Warriors and a Panda…

It’s Hump Day, a holiday actually first celebrated after the infamous Mutiny of the mid 1800’s wherein Indian forces rose up against Imperial British soldiers across India, from Peshawar to Mumbai. (Not really…)

A very quick nod to the memory of a very strong woman, Elizabeth Edwards. Edwards, 61, finally lost her battle to breast cancer after a long six-year fight. Her death comes just a day after her family announced that she would stop receiving chemotherapy and other treatments, deciding instead to spend her time at home with her family. Elizabeth was separated from her husband of thirty years, John Edwards, the former Democratic candidate nominee, after it was found that he had had an affair with a filmmaker during his campaign. The couple split in January of last year, with Elizabeth taking responsibility of the couples’ 12 and 10 year old children. Doctors say Elizabeth was never in pain in her last hours, nor did she lose consciousness. She was a strong woman, an entirely amazing mother, and a personality that will be sorely missed.

On February 27, 2009, the Washington Native Americans made Albert Haynesworth the most affluent person employed in professional football. Yesterday, they suspended this same player for the remainder of the season, without pay, after some embarrassing incidents in Sunday’s game against, including telling coaches that he preferred, should they find it feasible, to play only in passing situations, and to take running situations off. This was not going to sit well with Coach Shannahan, so he decided to remove the distraction. Haynesworth will appeal the suspension with the league; should it stand, Fat Albert will lose $847,059 in pay, though, fear not, he has already received roughly $35 million this season. He will be traded in the offseason, or released, with no cost to the Native Americans.

It must have been a passing down…

Hackers around the globe have vowed vengeance on those persecuting WikiLeaks, the online group responsible for numerous releases of sensitive or secret documents. Most recently, as noted last week, WikiLeaks released hundreds of thousands of diplomatic cables, highlighting the negotiations and impressions of diplomats around the globe, and embarrassing most of them. Computer nerds have launched a counterstrike of sorts, hacking MasterCard and freezing much its functions. MasterCard had just announced that it would refuse requests by its cardholders if they tried to donate to WikiLeaks, which is run almost entirely by the contributions of conspiracy nuts like you. According to many reports, the site is essentially paralyzed and employees of the company are refusing to comment.

Favre handing off to AP: An event so rare a computer simulation was needed to
show just what it might look like…

In the Minnesota Hyperboreans’ win against Buffalo Sunday, Brett Favre was knocked out of the game on his first pass attempt, which, the Bohunk notes, was intercepted. Tavaris Jackson stepped on to hand the ball of to Adrian Peterson, the Best Back In Football; Brett Favre does not do this. With the “Ol’ Gunslinger” in the game, coaches call plays that involve the forward pass much more frequently. The job of the coaching staff, and this includes coordinators, is to give the team the chance to win. Having Brett throw a league leading 18 interceptions is not the best way to get the all important ‘W’. Giving the ball to AP, however, is conducive to that end. But Favre, with his injury, will sound a hero in taking the field Sunday, and he will play very mediocrely, and he will get his 297th start. And (write this down) they will lose. As will always happen when the coaches put one player before the entire squad’s best interest.

   And to lose any respectability, I submit the following:

 

Much credit due to John ‘Chode’ for this little number…

Thanks for reading, much better effort tomorrow, enjoy Modern Family on ABC this evening, and, should you have the time, read a book, too.

Manning, the Pope/Condoms, and the End of Brett Favre…

Thank you, Green Bay Packers organization, for sending Brett Favre off into the last third of his last NFL season just a few games out of last place in the division. The Bohunk smelled upset, or at least a let down'; but the shellacking in Minnesota Sunday afternoon cemented the vault on the Vikings’ tomb* and Brett Favre’s career. He cried in a post game interview, waxed poetic over what-might-have-beens and finally admitted that the season was a bust. Mr. Favre, when you ask for all the attention and adulation, you get all the down side too. Thank you for 16 years of excellent Packers football, and may NFL fans and the Football Gods forgive these last three.

How bad was Favre against the Pack? Well, frustration, like an over boiled, possibly sexually frustrated and oft-intercepted pot of water, Favre blew his lid. Favre is a player above coaching while being very much in need of it. After tossing his league leading 17th interception, the Vikings offensive coordinator tried to have a word with the Aged Wonder; Favre had nothing to do with it. If this was any other player, Childress would have benched him a month ago.

The Flying Elvii, let by the Bieber-esque Tom Brady, beat the Indianapolis Lucky Charms by 3, nearly squandering a three score lead late in the fourth quarter. Led by the lesbian looking Bill Belicheck, the Pats are very quietly the best team in the NFL, a sentiment voiced by the Bohunk a month ago. Peyton Manning tossed some ugly interceptions, including one with under a minute to go with the Young Horses well within field goal range. A curious mistake in a game that was otherwise pressure-free for the Elder Oreo Eater.

Perhaps, Peyton, you should leave the licking to Eli and return to MVP
form. I will, of course, have a cookie, however.

In amateur football, Nebraska lost to Texas A&M (note the legitimate use of the ampersand there) to end all BCS hopes, the designs of which the Bohunk had been dissecting for the past two weeks. Now, the play their final post-Turkey Dinner game against Colorado, a personal favorite of mine for both of my decades alive on earth. With a win, they earn the right to play in the Big 12 Title game. With a loss, they shall slink into the Big 10 without hardware in their last season out west. (Editor’s Note: Watch your respective asses, Michigan State, Michigan and Ohio State)

TCU and Boise State won to remain undefeated while Oregon and Auburn were off for Saturday, preparing for games this Friday afternoon. Auburn plays #11 Alabama, which could be the last opponent with a legitimate shot at defeating Cam “I’m Getting Paid!” Newton and the Tigers. We can only hope…

On the college note, the Bohunk would like to thank an all-too-often-forgot tradition in collegiate foot ball…The baton girl. Yes, the baton girl, the quaint, smiling and heavily rouged youth who, bedecked in a dazzling, sparkling one-piece bathing suit, delights crowds of all ages (but mostly males ranging in age from puberty to creepily near the grace) with their, well, twirling. Thank you for your excellence, Baton Girls of America.

You, madam, are on fire.

The Pope is now closer than ever to condoms. The Holy Father said recently that the problem of “Aids cannot be solved only by the distribution of condoms alone,” but hinted that their use in limited contexts could be a vast improvement in countries where sexual transmitted disease is rampant (or, as any medical expert would tell you, everywhere). In Africa, where millions of sexual active individuals are HIV positive and millions are living with AIDS, the Vatican’s insistence that birth control is a form of sin has contributed greatly to the spread of the disease. In fact, the Pope’s committed and antiquated stance is followed by Catholics around the globe (they are the families with 6 kids) and is a contributing factor to the overpopulation of underdeveloped nations like those found in South America. Perhaps the Pope will finally expand the okay-ed use of contraceptives to include all couples. Sooner, rather than later, would be appreciated….

In the Bohunk’s ongoing interest in the country of Haiti, I regret to say that officials are now reporting that roughly 1,250 people have died of the now rampant cholera epidemic that has spread throughout the nation. A further 21,000 people have been stricken with the disease. Roughly 63 of the deaths have come in the capital, Port-au-Prince, which is now home to tens of thousands of refugees seeking shelter after a earthquake last January ruined much of the city. 230,000 people died in that earthquake. If you would like to make a donation, please follow this link to the Clinton Bush Haiti Relief Fund.

For a brave young chap looking for work in the newspaper field (perhaps, you might see, like the Bohunk) the following would be of some interest. Super, uber rich guy Rupert Murdoch, CEO of News Corp may just be in an unholy alliance with Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple. The two are rumored to be either created an online-only newspaper designed for iPad, or they are just showing each other their willys. The cyber newspaper would stream to any Apple 3G-enabled device for about $4.25 a day, cheaper than your print version and you don’t have to go outside to get it (you lazy SOB) in adverse conditions. In slightly related news, the iPad 2 is now expected to be released this coming April.

Thanks for reading, enjoy Denver vs. San Diego this evening on Monday Night Football.

* Vikings were traditionally burned on funeral pyres from the 3rd century on, though some evidence shows nobles or warriors were set out in warships meant to sink, the body surrounded with weapons and treasures piled high about them.

Foxy Friday, She-Priests, and a Harry Potter Thank-You…

The Bohunk would like to bring to your attention a huge event in the world of sports. This very Sunday afternoon, the Minnesota Brett Favres will host the Green Bay Packers, the last meeting of the aged superstar and his former squad. This is based on the assumption that he will, in fact, retire at the end of this season and then remain so forever. After tossing a league high 16 INTs and winning just three games thus far, the Bohunk does not foresee a return of the “Ol’ Gunslinger” in 2011. This will be Brett’s last chance to seek revenge on the Pack for not taking him back after unretiring the first (and really second) time. The NFL has recently met with Jenn Sterger about the potential sexual harassment issues dating back from 2008. Brett is going to be starting this Sunday, but between a potential suspension, a bad elbow, ankle and shoulder, his streak of consecutive starts is in jeopardy. This may be his last chance to stride off into the sunset, then pussy-foot around till August before finally going away for good.

It’s Friday, which means the Bohunk will select the Fox. This week’s Fox is the beautiful and talented Natalie Portman. As Padme in Star Wars I-III she stole the hearts of many a virginal nerd, and has been very successful in other roles, from V for Vendetta to Cold Mountain and Brothers. You may not know it, but Natalie is Israeli, and made her acting debut in Leon way, way back in 1994. She holds a degree in psychology from Harvard (Pip, pip) and won a Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress for the film Closer (a personal favorite of Yours Truly). Now, she can list a “Fox” award to her list of credentials.

Fox Natalie Portman…

In astronomy news, scientists have discovered the first planet ever seen that originated in another galaxy. The planet is orbiting a white dwarf star that is a remnant of a mini galaxy that was devoured by the Milky Way a few million years ago. The planet is slightly larger than Jupiter. Scientists are getting all antsy and excited, because research of this planet might reveal some secrets of other-galaxy formation and a glimpse into the effects on a planet after a sun’s mass change. The earth, in a few million years, will face a sun a few dozen times larger than it currently is, possible scorching the planet or even erasing it. This new, foreign planet gives us a look at what might be left. Bohunk’s guess; not much.

The new Myspace is here…by becoming Facebook. The former social networking giant and now irrelevant, embarrassing and lingering reminder of your sophomore year in high school, has struck a deal to be linked with Facebook. Now, Myspace will be integrated almost completely with its former rival Facebook, allowing your preferences from one to be transferred to the other and vice versa. The Bohunk’s criticism is echoed by other tech-nerds; what is the point? Why have two identical pages that share the same information? Myspace has, currently, 122 million registered users, compared to Facebook’s 500 million. If you still have a Myspace, slap yourself. (Just kidding)

None of these Kiwi are believed to be in the mine….

A massive explosion has trapped two dozen coal miners in New Zealand. Following the trendy example of the Chilean Miners, the Kiwis are trapped at an unknown depth in the intricate labyrinth, buried at least a mile below the surface. A man driving a loader some distance from the blast was thrown from the piece of equipment, a shocking indication of the strength of the explosion. Fears that the mine’s ventilation system was damaged forces rescuers to begin searching for fast and potentially more dangerous avenues of escape for the men trapped.

50 Church of England priests have voiced the intention to join 5 bishops in Britain who have converted to Roman Catholicism, this coming roughly 400 years after the Anglican Church was formed as a separate entity outside the power of Rome (thanks, Henry VIII). The priests say that cannot in good judgment serve as holy men in the Church if female bishops are accepted as a part of doctrine, a motion quickly gaining momentum in the country. The Pope has created a special club for the converts (or defectors, depending on your view) giving them the same powers as Catholic priests, and allowing married Anglican priests to keep their wives, which is just darn nice of the Holy Father. The Church of England has been confirming female priests since 1994, and have used “flying priests” (not Bohunks) to serve congregations that did not want a female leading their flock. Your views on this are of great interest; leave a comment with our opinion.

Oh my, how they grow…Three lives spent on camera.

The Harry Potter films are nearly concluded. It’s been 9 years and the movies have made billions in profit while delighting more than a few generations. If you have read the books, you know the sort of mixed feeling that comes with any final installment. Upon finishing the last book, many wished for more, but also, were satisfied with the feeling of completion and closure. Readers felt as though they had seen their closest friends finally find peace. Even the very best things must end, and all the better if they end as they should. These movies WILL be the last new Harry Potter related works. Ever. There will not be another book, nor film. What we have now is all the world will ever get from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (if you are tearing up, if that heavy feeling has found your breast, your heart, know it has found mine, doubly so, in writing this) and we can only treasure what is. Thank you, JK Rowling, for all you have given this weary world.

Thanks for reading, enjoy your weekend safely. The Bohunk will be taking off the holidays next week, so there will only be a Monday and Tuesday Update, in addition to the Top Post redone tomorrow.

Iceman, Caffeinated Drunks, Newton and Nerds

Sorry folks, no Weekend Whorrior this Friday; I think the frigid air kept all the candidates snug in a stranger’s bed well after I left for class this morning. We can only hope some stronger, more resilient shamed women brave the elements next week…

Tomorrow is the Iceman Cometh mountain bike race, so the freshly fallen snow in Kalkaska and Traverse City is the perfect back drop for what might shake out to be one of the most hotly contested editions of the largest race in Michigan so far. US National Champ Jeremy Horgan-Kobelski (always fear a man with a hyphen) will try to repeat against the likes of Todd Wells of Specialized, Traverse City’s very own Larry Warbasse of BMC Racing and many other top professionals. The weather is expected to be freezing, and the overnight low of 26 should allow the picturesque dusting of snow to stick around well into tomorrow afternoon, when the pros take off at 4.30.

The Iceman route is 27 miles, beginning in downtown Kalkaska and finished along the trails of the VASA on the east side of Traverse City. Roughly 4,000 riders will participate, with the main wave of amateurs taking off at 9 am. It is the largest mountain bike race in the Midwest and only gets bigger each year. If you have some free time Saturday, make your way over to Timber Ridge to check out the finish. To see the pros cross the line, plan on arriving a little after 5.

In a “No shit, Sherlock” ruling the Bohunk has been watched for a few weeks now, the Michigan Liquor Commission banned energy drinks that contain alcohol, such as Four Loko. These drinks contain roughly 12% alcohol while containing roughly the same amount of caffeine as a tall Starbucks cofffee. The result; the caffeine (a stimulant) covers up the effects of the alcohol (a depressant) making college students believe they can consume more of both drug than is healthy. The effects felt in the brain do not match the effects felt in the body; drinking two of these cans, about 40oz, is the same as drinking 5 or six beers without “feeling” any effect…Until you begin to projectile vomit across the room. Also, because students think they are, “fine, man, I’m totally fine” they drive drunk. The drinks can also affect heart rate, as well as breathing and coordination, such as causing uncontrollable shaking. Illinois and Pennsylvania are also exploring a possible ban. Don’t drink this stuff; it’s just plain stupid.

Reports say that Randy Moss, suppposedly, instructed the Vikings’ owner to fire head coach Brad Childress. This might be the second “No shit, Sherlock” moment of the post today, but apparently the owner did not agree. Moss’ rant came after the loss to the Patriots (his former team) and just a few days before rumors of his release came to fruition. Now,I believe any 2-5 team’s coach, especially a team which had only one loss at this point last season, should be on the hot seat. One that completely mishandled his quarterback, offense and the Moss situation will surely be canned. Moss just said the obvious, which we all know one should never do to one's employer.

Heisman probable (it isn’t hopeful if you’ve pretty much won it) Cam Newton is now under investigation after reports surfaced that his representative, a person who works to match recruits to universities, sought some cash from schools he shopped Newton to. One figure, released from a trip to Mississippi State, put the sum at $200,000 to essentially buy Newton’s commitment to that school. The money never actually never exchanged hands, and Newton wound up at Auburn much later, but the idea that money was a factor is suspicious for Newton, Auburn, the SEC and the NCAA in general. While it is a crime that college football makes millions and the students only receive a fraction of the benefits through tuition costs, the rules are, as they say, the rules. Newton and his father have denied the allegations, and staff and administration from Auburn have given no comment. Newton transferred to Auburn after legal problems led to his dismissal from the University of Florida.

 

Welcome back to the free world, Mr. Carter. Lil’ Wayne was released from prison yesterday, an event treated in the US with the same celebration as South Africa offered for the emergence of Nelson Mandela back into society. Way to go, middle-to-upper class white high school students, you’ve successfully made Weezy feel embraced and venerated. Just wait till his record “drops'”…

Researchers crazy enough to explore this type of thing have found that a weak current of electricity flowing through the brain can help a person’s math skills improve for up to six months. The procedure produces no known side effects, though there is a chance will become so smart no one will want to talk to you, you freakin’ nerd-loser.

Who is the top team in the NFL? Cast your vote in the poll to the right, and the results will be posted next week.

Thanks for reading, enjoy the Iceman Cometh in Kalkaska and Traverse City, and be sure to bring a coat, it gets frigid up there when the wind is from the north. Have a great weekend, the Update will be back Monday.

Election Day, Lucky Charms and Moss…

Well, the San Francisco Large People won the World Series, defeating the Rangers 4 games to 1. Even the players were excited to be finished, did you see how quickly the Rangers hit the locker room? The team with the best pitcher and the best team won, and since that was not the Yankees this season, I am very happy. Mark it down; the Cubs will make the playoffs next year…if Selig expands the number of teams who make it, as he has said he will. And if he includes teams that were eliminated from the playoffs in June. Then, the Cubs will make the playoffs.

On Monday Night Football, the Indianapolis Lucky Charms casually beat up the Texans. Two things could have told us this before kick off; one, the Colts don’t lose to the Texans twice in one season, and two, they definitely don’t lose to the Texans after coming off a bye week. Even with the third stringers starting, Peyton Manning has the ability to to will his team to victory, similar to his power to make you like him while he is selling you Oreos, TVs, NFL Sunday Ticket and everything else he hawks on the side. These Lucky Charms are looking good, and the Bohunk thinks they are the best AFC team not in the East division, home to the Patriots and Jets…

It’s election day across the country, and millions of voters will spill out to their local polling station to decide the direction of this country for the next handful of years. Personally, I am hoping the Dems hold onto just enough seats in Congress to at least propose and adequately argue bills. Nothing will come of a Senate or House in which only bickering is heard and no real discussion. That is the true waste of our tax money. That, and the largest defense budget in the history of the world. Obama has to be looking out of a window somewhere wondering what in the $@&(@ he is going to do with no support in either house of Congress but all the blame already on his doorstep.

In Michigan, Rick Snyder will end his campaign trip in Ann Arbor as the governor hopeful settles in to await results this evening. Pollsters have “The Nerd” well ahead of Democrat Virg Bernero, who seems content with now driving out Dem voters in a push to prove the dismal predictions wrong. Either candidate will be encumbered with a terrible economy, a shrinking budget and little to no prospects for new jobs. While Granholm must be accountable for some of these failures, to blame her for all of it is just ignorant. Michigan has always had an unemployment rate which hovered close to twice the national average. Under Granholm, this didn’t change; nor had it been any different in eight years under Republican Engler before she took office. Michigan needs a drastic change in direction, attitude and identity. We can keep the auto industry, we just need a very tangible “Something Else” around which to build our future. I propose a green economy, but, that’s just one of many options. So, with that in mind, go vote…

In fact, a record 16 million early ballot voters have already been cast, a good indication of this year’s potentially massive turn-out.

The Minnesota Hyperboreans waived Randy Moss just four weeks after acquiring him from the New England Flying Elvii for a third round pick. If he is not claimed off waivers, the Vikes will be asked (forced) to pick up Moss’ salary for the remainder of the year. They traded a 3rd round pick for, essentially, the 13 catches and 2 touchdowns Randy caught in 3 losses….I’m no GM but that seems wasteful. If it wasn’t for the Cowboys, Minnesota would be ridiculed as the biggest failure in sports this year, and they probably should be named so.

On this day in 1960, a trial of obscenity over the great novel Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence (one of my favorite novels and authors, as well) ended. The ruling came that Penguin Books, the publisher of the novel since its release in 1928, was acquitted of obscenity charges and the book was allowed to stay in circulation in its full version. The novel’s first release in 1928 was an expurgated text and remained so until Penguin released the full version, the one intended for print by Lawrence, in 1958. Lawrence had many amazing novels, including the critically noted Women In Love which was released in 1921. Lawrence died of tuberculosis in 1930. Find more Lawrence books here.

Like Charles Osgood on Sunday Morning, I’ll leave you this morning with a look at some colors…

Thanks for reading, enjoy anything but Glee on Fox tonight, I just don’t see the appeal…Better tomorrow, as always…

Top 5 Scary Movies, Halloween, Fear vs. Sanity and Heroin....

Happy Halloween, and many, many condolences to the girls wondering what the hell happened and who that guy was....

It was a massive weekend for both professional and amateur football players alike. Nebraska beat heretofore undefeated Missouri to vault back up to 7th in the BCS, with two of the six teams ahead of them guranteed to lose (Aubun plays Alabama and TCU plays Utah) giving them control of their destiny. Oregon, My Oregon, smoked USC and kindly siddled past Auburn to take over the top spot in both the (superior) human polls and the robotic one. Michigan State crumpled like a drunken French Maid at a Halloween party (festive, no?) to Iowa...The Bohunk predicts the typical State towel-throwing-after-a-loss behavior in weeks to come.

In the professional ranks, the Detroit Lions won their second game of the season against the (politically incorrectly) named Washingon Native Americans. The Dallas Cowboys, a popular Super Bowl pick by many pundits, lost to Jacksonville, leaving them a win behind Detroit and only one ahead of the victory-less Bills. Take that, every television pundit in America. Further proof that all predictions are equal and meaningless, and even more support that all the games should be played, even the supposedly lopsided ones.

Brett Favre started to preserve his streak alive, but was knocked out in the fourth with a blow to the chin in a loss against the much better Patriots. He then spent 20 minutes (and ESPN covered nearly all of it) spouting how tough the hit was and how other players would be out for a long time if they were him. He praised himself for his toughness, his physique, boyish goodlooks....Fav-ree is the most self-adulating player in the sport. However, he forgets to mention his team is 2-5 (tied with Detroit, I will add) and he has thrown more interceptions than TDs and has looked just plain ugly most of the season. And Jenn Sterger is reportedly meeting with the NFL on sexual harrassment allegations...Could be a tough week for the "Ol' Gunslinger", and his "Lil' Gunslinger" too.

In cycling news, the very Australian Michael Rogers signed with Team Sky, joining Brad Wiggins and a host of others for the 2011 season. Rogers is a world class time trialer and stage racer, and with this type of commited support in July could be a real threat overall. His time at HTC-Columbia was spent working for Mark Cavendish on the flat stages when he should have been resting like the other contenders. At Sky, he will have that luxury....
At the Haunted Halloween Challenge, the Flying Bohunk snagged fourth in the Group B race, losing contact with the lead group after a dropped chain. I think I would have been in the mix for the win without the mishap. The rest of the race was spent alone, just a man and his thoughts, powering in a laughably strong wind and climbing some rough,steep grassy knolls. Not a bad ride at all...

Reports from Baghdad state that 58 people were killed in a standoff between Iraqi security forces and armed gunmen holed up with hostages in a Catholic church. Authorities say the group appears to be connected to Al-Quaeda, as eight suspects were arrested. The casualties came as security forces stormed the church this morning when the gunmen detonated explosive vests just as the raid began. Two more gunmen were killed during the ensuing firefight. Roughly 120 people were in the church at the time of the gunmen's attack, indicating roughly half survived. Please take a moment today to think of these people and what you can do to stop the hate in this world....

According to former UK chief drug advisor Dr. Nutt, alcohol is the most dangerous drug in society. Its ready availability, abuse by all ages, damage to bodily organs, and its proven likelihood to introduce users to other drugs make it worse than crack, heroin, ecstasy and LSD. Keep that in mind this weekend....

The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear, hosted by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, attracted roughly 150,000 to 200,000 people to the National Mall Saturay. The event was a political rally "without polticians" meant to bring moderate and less divisive aspects of discourse back to the media and political environment. Not a bad turn out, and possibly a huge bump in voter turn-out tomorrow. And, I hear it was fairly humorous as well. Kudos, chaps.

As a final Halloween inclusion, I present the Top 5 Scariest Movies in the History of Mankind!

5) Alien
4) The Ring
3) Rec
2) Ju-On
1) The Thing

For the entire Top 50, go to boston.com

Thanks for reading, enjoy Monday Night Football this evening, and make sure to vote tomorrow, it's very important. (Except for Republicans,you guys, don't worry about it, you've got this one in the bag)