Saturday, February 5, 2011

Final Super Words

Tomorrow, just to remind my Dear Readers, is the Super Bowl. The Pittsburgh Steelers face the Green Bay Packers and if you have been keeping track, the Bohunks patent (pending) formula predicts the Packers 21 and Steelers 14. Some final thoughts follow, in no particular order:
-Big Rapist Ben holds the key; if he has over 250 yards passing, the Thieves may be in business.
-Clay Matthews was "only" the second best defensive player behind Polomalu. After tomorrow, many will be arguing he was robbed.
-Vince Lombardi lives on in Green Bay; the Pack is almost perfectly 50/50 pass plays to run plays in the post season.
-The Bohunk, with more than a little help from some pals, constructed the pictured Cheese/Snow sculpture. No team loses this snow sculpture support.

Enjoy the game, everyone, and may Fergie have a wardrobe malfunction to spice up the halftime show.
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Friday, February 4, 2011

Where is John-O?

Where, my dear readers, is the faithful reader John-O? What would the fine gentleman wear to an announced White-Out? Three Bohunk points if you can guess who the Dear Reader is in this photo....
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Foxy Friday, Predicting the Super Bowl: Nightlife

Foxy Friday, folks, and the final Super Bowl prediction. Let's do the pick first, then savor the sweetness of Foxitude for the remainder...

Which city, Green Bay or Pittsburgh has championship quality nightlife? Well, after some research, the results will not in anyway shock you. Pittsburgh, it turns out, has more than three times as many bars as Green Bay. In fact, it has more joints classified as 'adult entertainment' as Green Bay as restaurants. So, frankly, championship caliber nightlife is a one-sided Input Factor. Almost depressingly one-sided. But, take heart Packers fans, your Green Bay side still takes the win, 21-14. Yes, the Bohunk's final Super Bowl prediction is 21-14, making the Green Bowl Packers the World Champions of tackle football. Write this down....

BJ Raji touchdown celebration vs. Bears…Great stuff

It's Foxy Friday, and today, we honor the reverberating foxitude of Alison Brie, or, as we all know her, Annie from "Community". Brie was born in Hollywood, CA and grew up in LA. She got her start in the Jewish acting community (that hotbed of acting talent),getting her first starring role as Toto in “The Wizard of Oz”. She has since gone on to “Community” fame, though has appeared on “Mad Men”, “Hannah Montana” and other series. To note, her mother was  a teacher at a community college….

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Predicting the Super Bowl: Criminal Records

Which team should you be cheering for? The Bohunk is a Lions fan; stop laughing. So if they aren’t in the Super Bowl (again, stop laughing) I have  very disinterested take on the Big One. This year, my Extremely Significant Other’s allegiance to the Packers is giving me some serious sway. She has watched nearly every Pack game in 2010, so I am rather familiar with their squad and touchdown dance celebrations. But if you have no motive to root for one team or the other, might I recommend cheering for the one with the least amount of fines or criminal lawsuits pending. This is the very reason the Bohunk dislikes the Jets, to note.

The Steelers have, to their credit and discredit, James Harrison. Harrison was fined a total of $100,000 in 2010. Quarterback “Big Rapist” Ben Roethlisberger has two sexual assault cases in two years, and was suspended for the first six games of the season, though it was later reduced to four. Both of these occurred after Roethlisberger crashed a motorcycle, while not wearing a helmet, with an expired temporary license. Santonio Holmes, two years ago, was busted in the middle of the Super Bowl winning season for the Steelers, smoking marijuana and getting caught, then suspended. That was a part of his departure from the team later on. James Harrison also was charged for simple assault and criminal mischief after beating his girlfriend. Classy guy, that Harrison…


The Packers counter with some criminal records of their own. Brandon Underwood is still technically under investigation for sexual assault last June, though a Super Bowl win would get that brushed aside, authorities assured him last week (not really). Linebacker Nick Barnett is still facing disorderly conduct charges from last year, and worked a deal with prosecutors to reduce the charges.

“Yippeee, the charges are still pending, I can play ALL YEAR!”
~Brandon Underwood, here literally jumping for joy.

So, in Input Factor #3, the Packers are the shining knights of mediocre civil behavior, while the Steelers should probably be arrested on the spot. Verdict: Packers get the points and go up 21-7. But tomorrow, they face a difficult proposition: Night Life. You can’t have a Super Bowl caliber squad without championship level night clubs…Why do you think the Steelers have won so many Super Bowls recently? It’s the discount at local strip clubs that draws free agents. Come back tomorrow for the blow by blow….

Tour of California: Dope as Hell

The Amgen Tour of California has quickly become the US’ top stage race. Drawing the likes of Levi Leipheimer, Lance Armstrong, Michael Rogers and a host of international cycling giants, it is already a fixture for top pro teams, especially those leaning heavily on American sponsors, like Garmin and RadioShack. The ToC will be drugged tested by the US Anti-Doping Agency, a connection that will withdraw power from the International version which had tested the event, and many others worldwide for the past two decades. The ToC drew heavy criticism in its inaugural year, 2006, by not testing for EPO, a blood boosting drug that was extremely prevalent and popular throughout the ‘90s and early 2000s. Amgen, the title sponsor of the ToC, is a pharmaceutical company that produces EPO and other drugs meant for cancer and other medical uses. The USDA will begin out of competition testing for all of its entrants 90 days before the races start on May 15th.  

HTC’s Tony Martin, the 2010 winner, enjoys Cal-eh-fornia Gurls and the sweet, tingling sensation of victory.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Video Clip of the Week, Snowlacaust Photos…

To close the day, and prepare you for Thursday night’s NBC line-up of awesomeness, I submit for your viewing pleasure, the greatest moment in TV history besides some historical happenings and goings on. This is from Parks and Recreation, just a part of the best night of television of all time. (Hyperbole points:3)


DJ Roomba

In other news, the Bohunk has survived the Snowlacaust. Below are some pictures of the snow depths, relative to cars and apartment buildings. Everyone is dug out from under the snow, except the lazy friggin’ pot heads, but they aren’t going anywhere, anyway.

Snowlacaust2011 001
The snow was near the hoods of these cars over here…

Snowlacaust2011 002
And drifted three or four feet high in between these cars here.
Everyone is accounted for in the apartment complex… Though
there are some Weekend Whorriors making poor, herpes spreading decisions with the day off of classes….

Predicting the Super Bowl: Uniforms

This Super Bowl pits together two of the most iconic and original uniforms in the NFL...and they both show it. The designs are, without a doubt, timeless. The Packers green and yellow, and the oft-imitated (or blatantly copied) "G", (I'm looking at you, Georgia!) has been unchanged in the past fifty years. The Steelers, too, have inspired some amateur football uniforms of their own. During the mid-sixties, the University of Iowa got ahold of the Pittsburg yellow and black stripe and has been using that scheme ever since. The Bohunk likes the tradition uniforms; can you imagine the Detroit Red Wings with some strange bastardized version of the Winged Wheel, or the New York Yankees with awkwardly juxtaposed "N" and"Y"? No, you can't, and neither can I. The Steelers have the fearsome scheme, black and yellow, but they have been skimping on the helmet decals; the Bohunk has just never got the logo on one side of the dome. The Packers are more liberal; the G graces left as right sides of the helmet, making theirs the easier one to place on commentators desks during pre-game and half time.

The verdict is not an easy one. Both teams have some points in their favor; it comes down, admittedly, to personal preference. The Steelers have the intimidating color scheme, but there is just something classy about the Packers green and gold. They get the points, and lead 14-7 with just two more days of formulaic input left. Tomorrow, we look at another input, one that may prove pivital; criminal charges and investigations/fines.

Proof: World Going To Hell Via Handbasket

IIn Mexico, there are four pending patents on the tortilla. The tortilla has been around in central and south America since at least 5,000 years ago, and probably existed for thousands of years before first records of its use. These patents are seeking monetary recompense for the production of any item identifiable as a tortilla, from private to corporate use. Will any of these patents get stamped? No. But the sheer audacity and ballsy attitude of these patent attempts is a tribute to modern insanity and selfishness.
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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Egypt: Revolution in 140 Characters or Less

In just a super cool move, Google and Twitter teamed up yesterday to let Egyptians voice their concerns and communicate whilst overthrowing their government, or at least attempting to. The Egyptian government attempted to remove all Internet access in the nation, eliminating social networking sites like Twitter that had been fueling protest organization and the massive outpouring of citizens intent on removing longtime President Mubarack. On Saturday and Sunday of the past week, engineers put together a system to let Egyptians post tweets by phone call, either from their cell or a landline, that would be converted into a tweet and branded with the #Egypt hash tag. Yesterday’s protest swelled to tens of thousands of people in spite of the loss of Internet, and, so the government claims, the shut off of all cellular phones. Up until Sunday, only a limited number of institutions in Egypt had these services, which are now, supposedly, completely shut down.

Very clear statement, kudos to the writing department…

Super Bowl Predictions: Fan Paraphernalia

Do you know why the Bohunk hates elephants? Cause they always steal my schtick. Nobody else is making Super Bowl predictions right now, and the Bohunk was the first person to get it going just a week out from the big game. Which elephant tried to steal my thunder? Jenny the psychic elephant, a hefty female ‘phant who lives in Dallas. At the Zoo. Jenny had to choose between two watermelons, each painted either Green Bay yellow and the Steelers vaunted black. Jenny stomped the Thieves, picking the Pack to take the win.

Frankly, who listens to an elephant? Stick with the Bohunk, who, as you’ll see, relies only on the myriad factors that will ultimately result in domination. Some commentators discuss players, coaches and performance; that stuff has nothing to do with it. Without Cheer-Babes, the victory will come down to a series of criteria I have unearthed. Yesterday, the Facial Hair Input Factor (the first of five factors) gave the Steelers a 7-0 lead. Today, we focus on the fans….

The Steelers’ fans are famous for the waving of the “Terrible Towel”, a tradition that spans back into the late ‘60s and rouses the team to a fever pitch, something that Big Ben’s lawyers have tired to stop; no one needs to see Big Ben ‘roused’. The Towel has been around at every Super Bowl win for Pitt, and this time around, there is no reason to think this lucky charm will be a letdown…However….

Thieves fans root, root, root for the home squad…

Cheeseheads…Wisconsin is still in the late 80s…

It is facing perhaps the most iconic fan paraphernalia item in the history of professional sports. The Cheesehead, a Styrofoam yellow block of good ol’ Wisconson cheddar has led to many intimidators around the league and, indeed, the world of sports at large. The Packers are the symbol of Wisconsin, although almost on par with cheese. Nothing is more important to the state than the Packers, and to their plus-sized fans, nothing is more important than cheese. This round has to go to the Cheesehead and the Packers. So, with three days left, the Packers and Steelers are dead even at 7-7. Tomorrow, we look at the third factor in the Formula, we will decide who has the better uniforms; cause if you look good, you play good, but if you loo great, you win championships. 

Monday, January 31, 2011

Predicting the Super Bowl: Day One

We are coming quickly upon the Super Bowl this Sunday, and with neither team having Cheer-Babes, the Bohunk has no way of predicting a winner. Your Truly is (probably) undefeated at predicting foot ball contests by judging the tastelessness of Cheer-Babe uniforms (tasteless always wins) and their professionalism. Neither the Packers or the Steelers have Cheer-Babes, but for differing reasons. Green Bay could not convince women to grace the Frozen Tundra scantily clad, and Pittsburg couldn’t find any to be within 10 miles of Ben Roethislberger wearing little more than nothing. So, on the first day of of the week-or-so-long pitting of each team’s strengths and weaknesses as deemed by the Bohunk, I submit for your consideration, The Bohunk Large Vessel Prediction Formula (patent pending)

Input value #1: Facial Hair

Nothing says, “We Are The Champions” like a little man beard, just ask Freddie Mercury. Now that guy was a man. Sorry Cheese Craniums, this one isn’t even close. Big “Rapist” Ben Roethlisberger has been rocking the thickest, dreamiest, creepiest beard in the NFL for the better part of a month now. Each win (one per day) equates roughly to one touchdown, so as of Monday, the Super Bowl is 7-0 Thieves over Packers…

Come on back tomorrow for the second installment, Fan Paraphernalia, pitting the Packer Cheesehead against the Steeler Terrible Towel….

Egypt: Protest, Marches and Oil

The Egyptian military has vowed not to fire on protestors as the largest march in these seven days of protests takes shape. Tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people are in the streets and gathering near Liberation Square and calling for the ousting of President Mubarack as soon as, well, immediately. For the first time, the military has voiced its outright refusal to fire on protestors, regardless of their actions, as the government is beginning to show signs of collapse. More and more Egyptians are leaving their jobs and homes and flocking to the city centers of Cairo and Alexandria. Alexandria, in particular, is essentially run by protestors, who have constructed road blocks and armed check points to monitor traffic and to search for fleeing government officials, at times with the assistance with the local police and security forces. Cairo is under similar strain, with pockets and gangs of protestors roaming the streets on their way to the Liberation Square to add their voices to a revolution.

Crowds protest Mubarack and the Egyptian government…

In a testament to the foresight of these protests, a human wall has grown up around the city’s most important items and institutions, including the National Museum in Cairo, which houses much of the world’s artifacts from the days of ancient Egypt and Africa. For the most part, looting has not affected these national treasures.

Mubarack has not made any statements so far that differ in anyway from prior comments. He flatly refused to remove himself from power and replaced a handful of government officials in an attempt to appease the thousands of protestors outside his door. He has not replaced important figures such as foreign secretary or of the interior. The economy has suffered, and international firms with interests in the offshore oil operations run by Egypt have voiced concerns about their partnerships, while international embassies are assisting their citizens in leaving the turbulent country.  

America: Quite Fat

In an effort to get ‘Murica to back out of the groceries and to get the US off the podium for fattest country in the world, the government released a new guideline of what we should and should not be eating. One in three American children are obese (not just overweight, obese) and well over half adults are committed porkers themselves. Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack said, “…this is a crisis we can no longer ignore.” One tip they offered was that consumers (that’s you and me) switched to low fat or, preferably, skim milk. The switch to skim milk from even 2% can result in consuming roughly 7 pounds of fat worth of calories less per year, or the equivalent to one fat roll in your midsection. The guideline also stressed that switching to water in the stead of soda or juice could help children’s blood sugar and weight. Also, the Bohunk recommends skipping that drunken double cheeseburger you long for after an evening of binge drinking. Saves you a ton of calories.

If this is you, reevaluate your dietary habits; and if this is literally a picture of you, I apologize.

Fore, Poor Folk!: Boehner vs. Obama In the Whitest Sport Not On Ice

In his commitment to bipartisan dealing and a mutual feeling of respect, Rep. John Boehner has challenged, er, offered to share a round of golf with President Barack Obama. But the House Crier (Speaker) had to add a jibe in there, because, if he didn’t, he may lose his reputation as Top Republican Ass Hole. Boehner said he would “have to give <Obama> a few strokes” if they were to play. To be fair, this is very true. Boehner, (your paid representative Ohio) played 18 holes roughly 120 times last year; Obama played approximately half that. David Axelrod, advisor to Obama, said the match-up could take place, serving as a way to get Boehner to engage in talks, potentially even on the debt ceiling, healthcare reform and other issues. The Bohunk offers this scenario; one round of golf, a one-on-one basketball game (Obama would kill Boehner) with both competitions aired nationally. Everyone would nap through the golf game, then shout and holler like a Rucker Park And1 special while Obama dunked of John till he cried. Wouldn’t you tune in to see that?

An ad from the campaign trail…And this asshole won…

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sudanese Referendum: A True Landslide

The votes are in and one-sided; with 99.57% of the vote, South Sudan will secede as an entity of Sudan and seek to establish its own government. Of the ten southern states, six reported 99.9% in favor of the secession, while the closest state of the voting territory registered at a hesitant 95% for secession. In what is being jubilantly hailed as a massive landslide (and at 99.57%, yes, it is a landslide) the South of Sudan will look to become an independent state. The results come as waves of low-wage earning southern Sudanese return to the south after moving north looking for work. Much of the oil of the country is drilled and refined in the north, leaving the south on uncertain ground economically. Over 190,000 people have returned to the south, with another 100,000 expected to make the trip in the coming year. They return to a very uncertain future. The moment it is recognized as a nation, it will be one of the poorest countries in the world and its relations with the north will in all likelihood dictate its initial strides in economic, governmental and social demeanor as it establishes its identity in front of the world. As riots and violence and revolution rock Tunisia and Egypt, Sudan is a peaceful revolution and secession and is a testament to the powers of diplomacy. And for the US, please avoid the term 'landslide' in the foreseeable future, unless a politician wins by 99%.

Jail-Break: Egypt

Riots in prisons in Egypt have left dozens dead as Army and security forces try to quell escaped prisoners. Outside the capital of Cairo, police and military forces are spraying machine gun fire and marching into crowds with bayonets fixed, reporters say. Bodies are strewn about the streets and sidewalks leading up to the prison. Thousands of convicts within the prison are flocking from the fences and walls, making a run for it amid the chaos enveloping the nation as it rallies for democracy and change.

Protestors in Cairo rally for their freedom and to depose of Mubarack.

The detained prisoners and their families have long cried foul of torture tactics and inhumane treatment within the Egyptian penal system, and as tensions and protests rose, more and more political inmates were abused or even killed outright. Now, as protests and marches dominate the country and the capital in particular, the inmates and convicts are roaming the grounds and working on mass exits from the prison as guards flee for their lives, many joining the protests themselves.

Muslim Brotherhood leaders, some only recently detained, claim to have walked from the prison without resistance, saying nearby residents and neighbors came and freed them. At least 34 Muslim Brotherhood members are out of prison and returning to support their organization and the protests for freedom. The group, among many others, has called for embattled President Mubarack to leave the government today or face dire consequences.