Friday, February 11, 2011

Foxy Friday: Adriana Lima

Straight to it: Foxy Friday is here and the Bohunk is more than happy to announce the Fox of the Week Adriana Lima. One of the original Victoria’s Secret Angels (since 2000) and one of the most recognizable models in the world, Lima holds one of the largest contracts in the world as a spokesBABE for Maybeline. Born in Brazil, Adriana speaks five languages. She married Serbian basketballer Marko Jaric in the Bohunk’s place of birth, Jackson Hole, Wyoming on Valentine’s Day in 2009. It is likely she did not know the Bohunk-Jackson Hole connection at the time of the wedding….

Foxy Adriana Lima, with an uncharacteristically high volume of clothing on….

There we go….

Tour of Qatar: Renshaw Wins

Very, very Australian Mark Renshaw won the Tour of Qatar over fellow Aussie Heinrich Haussler by defending the lead on the last stage of the Tour. Andrea Guardini won the sprint finish, and Renshaw, helped by his powerful HTC-Highroad squadmates, cruised all day controlling the tempo and attacks to keep Haussler, Juan Antonia Flecha and Roger Hammond in check. Renshaw is the best lead out man in the business, but got the green light to ride for himself and take the win after some bad crashes and poor form from the Manx Missile, Mark Cavendish. Special note of Theo Bos, a budding former track star who now rides with Rabobank, who finished third on the final stage.

Mark Renshaw: Great sprinter, amazing head-butter…

Mubarack Has Left The Building

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarack has handed over all power to the Egyptian military and retreated to his expansive, awesome crib in Sharm el-Sheik, according to announcement by VP Omar Suleiman. While prayers were being said in Tahrir Square, the VP informed thousands of protestors of the transition, which was responded to with applause and joy, and more than a bit of crying. The Egyptian military quickly followed with a communique vowing to adhere strictly to the Egyptian constitution (which, the Bohunk notes, says only people from Mubarack’s party can old office) and to supervise the myriad and sweeping reforms called for by weeks of mass protest. No timetable for the military to cede power to an elected official has been set down, nor is the real structure of power being revealed in any detail. According to the constitution in place, power can only be transferred to the VP in times of crisis, and is only meant for short term or temporary time periods. It is possible that the military will claim control….Or that Mubarack is calling the shots via Skype from his pimped out palace in the south of Egypt.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Psych!: Mubarack Does Not Step Down

Note to embattled asshole and President of Egypt: Do not gather three million people together to give them news they do not want to hear. Nearly every major US and international news outlet announced that Mubarak would step down from his office today, and when the President stepped up to the plate, he did everything but that. Mubarack said he would hand over presidential power to the vice president, ending in 30 years of control in the country. Many believe a sort of behind-the-scenes military coup has taken place, though the Egyptian people or government have made such a proclamation. The military released “Communique No. 1”, (the equivalent of Order 66 in Star Wars Episode III, to score a second nerd point on the day) which announced the military's commitment to keeping, or enforcing, the peace in Egypt. Other nations have yet to comment on whether or not they believe or can confirm the coup, but the top general in Egypt, a man named Roweny, has circled Tahrir Square with US made Abrams tanks, ‘urging’ the protesters to sing the national anthem. Egypt has the tenth largest army in the world with over 468,000 troops with which to rule the country.

Protestors mount a US made tank to oust the US backed Mubarack…

The official US stance, according to the CIA, is that Mubarack will step down completely in the next six to twelve hours. It also points out that, according to the Egyptian constitution, the President cannot, in fact, turn over any power to the Vice President, instead indicating that Parliament would assume the executive powers.

What a dicktator. Mubarack vows to hand over power, but will retain President until elections are held in September.

If you are not watching a news outlet, and that does not include Fox News, please tune in; this is an amazing historic moment worth witnessing. 

Classy Republican Resigns After Topless Photos; Not Sarah Palin

Representative Christopher Lee (not the famous British actor who played Count Dooku in Star Wars) resigned from his position after photos of himself surfaced on the Internet. To be fair, he did, in fact, put them there. Lee responded to a “Women Seeking Men” ad on Craigslist by emailing the woman with a photo taken from the reflection of a mirror, with Lee shirtless and flexing his guns. The woman grew suspicious that Lee was lying (oh and he was) and broke of contact, but later gave the emails and photos to Gawker, a website that reveals scandals. (The Flying Bohunk Update would like to recognize that it covers other news as well) Lee is another shining example of Republican awesomeness; he received an 88% approval rating from the American Conservative Union and was a dedicated opponent to the repeal of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Act. He also voted against any funding for abortion for rape victims (classy, Lee) and was known for his “Family Values” voting record. Lee is married and has one child with his wife.

An appropriate photo for a legislator includes a shirt and tie…

Pirates: Greece Falls Victim to Swashbucklin’

You all know the Bohunk’s attachment to the word swashbuckling and this story offers a prime example to use it. The Greek government announced that a tanker it owns was attacked and seized by swashbuckling pirates Wednesday morning, and have lost all contact with the ship shortly after the attack. The tanker was carrying 266 tons of crude oil and 25 crewmen, seven of them Greek, seventeen Filipino and a Ukrainian. The ship was on course for the Gulf of Mexico.

The Somali version of the Black Pearl…

As noted in earlier Updates, the pirates have seized ships worth hundreds of millions of dollars, held hundreds of crewmen hostage, some for years, and have effectively shrugged off some of the world’s most powerful navies for years now. All because the world failed to enforce their right to exclusive fishing rights in their own waters, where Somalis have been fishing for thousands of years. Here’s to their big swashbuckling “Screw you, International Community”.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Ricco: Shame On You

Disgraced and somewhat creepy Vaconsoleil rider Riccardo Ricco was rushed to the hospital  early Sunday morning, confessing, or so it is claimed, to have botched a blood transfusion. Ricco is just returning from a two year ban after being caught with generous amounts of CERA during the Tour de France in 2008. Gazzetta dello Sport is reporting that Ricco was attempting to swap blood ahead of the Tour Mediterraneen which began today in France. The paper charges that poor preservation practices led to the blood becoming contaminated, and when bad blood is returned to the system, it causes a terrifyingly serious case of septicaemia, kidney blockage and a dangerously high temperature, all symptoms Ricco was suffering when admitted to the hospital. These high temperatures cause the membrane of cells to deteriorate and release toxins into the blood stream, which can potentially cause permanent kidney damage.

Ricco being escorted from the Tour de France in 2008 after a positive test.

Authorities searched Ricco’s home but found no evidence of blood doping, which is a crime in Italy, severe enough to have at least a 3 month jail sentence, and Ricco could potentially face up to three years in prison if convicted. Some pills found in the home were sent for analysis. Ricco served a ban from racing after his positive in 2008, returning under the short lived guidance of Aldo Sassi, a legendary Italian cycling coach who has since passed from a long battle with cancer. The Bohunk recommends the cycling world forget about Ricco entirely; he is not worth our time or the ink we could use on decent human beings.

Tour of Qatar: Yes, There Is One

A quick Update on the Tour of Qatar after two stages are completed. The third stage is currently underway at the time I slapped “Publish”, so check out VeloNews for today’s finish and standings.
Garmin-Cervelo rider Heinrich Haussler took the second stage of the 2011 Tour of Qatar in a tight sprint of fellow Fast Men Daniele Bennati of Team LEOPARD-TREK (the sponsors asked to be all caps; not doing it every time) and Denis Galimzyanov of Katusha, not to mention Haussler’s old Cervelo pal Theo Bos, now with Rabobank.

Contador and Boonen are both stained riders. Boonen is returning from suspension while Contador is delaying the start of his….

Tom Boonen, back from a suspension for positive drug testing, has launched himself back into the international cycling fray by taking over the overall after a massive win on stage one. He leads by a tenth of a second over Haussler, though reports from the road currently have him in a group almost a minute back of the other favorites. Tom “Disco” Boonen has a lot of racing left to do before he is back to his old dominant self. Note: Whether you hate him or love him, it’s good to see Mark Cavendish slowly returning to form after a disastrous Tour Down Under last month. Mark rode most of that Tour in last place, le latern rouge, but has rebounded somewhat at Qatar, finishing twelfth on the second stage. It is nowhere near where he expects to be, but it is getting warmer all the time. 

South Sudan: First Setback

If you’ve been following the Update, you know all about the south Sudanese secession vote, which, the Bohunk notes, officially entered the books on Monday with an 98% voter approval tally. Repeat, no US politician can again claim a landslide victory until they enter the 90% margin of domination. With the vote comes the act of secession and the building of their independent state from scratch. The new nation suffered its first set back with the murder of its newly appointed Minister of Cooperatives and Rural Developments Jimmy Lemi. Lemi was shot dead after a man, reportedly a relative and the murdered man’s driver, burst into his office in Juba and shot him. No one can deduce any real motive for the action, and the murder greatly reduces the widespread jubilation of the south Sudan country. President Obama announced he and his government would be able to recognize South Sudan and its government by this summer, possibly July, a great boost for the growing country’s legitimacy. All the best for Lemi’s family, who cannot replace a father, husband and friend.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

How Many Planets Do You Know Of?

Quick, how many planets do you know of? Eight? Are you way behind the astro-times and are counting Pluto, the disgraced loser on the edge of our solar system, as the ninth? Well, you’d still be off by about 1,242 if you were. As far back as 1995, (ancient days when you’re a spritely twenty-two like the Bohunk) astronomers began detecting some anomalous wobbles in the orbits of distant stars. The cause, they supposed, and quite intelligently, too, was gigantic, Jupiter sized “exo-planets”  too far for us to see. The Kepler satellite, or space based super telescope, was launched in March of 2009 and is now being used to discover these invisible behemoths deep in space. The device has found roughly 1,235 potential planets in a particular segment of the Milky Way. The satellite is only focused on an area that makes up only about one-four hundredth of the sky. Scientists believe that, should the satellite have the capacity to adjust its focus, it could discover other planets, even some we don’t expect to find based on gravitational anomalies. That could be up to 400,000 planets, according to researches involved with the project. Of even the supposed planets, 54 would be in an inhabitable zone, like earth- just far enough away from the star to not be scorched, but close enough to ensure water would remain in liquid form on the planet’s surface.

A not-very-clear drawing of the wobble effect of exoplanets.

However, even if we could answer these questions, and even if we could somehow find out if life was developing on that planet (and we can’t, not even close; we can’t even see these planets yet) it would still take over 300,000 years of space travel to get there. To note, differing species of man, including both homo sapiens and homo erectus only have fossil records dating back roughly the same amount of time, 300,000 years. Could there be life on these far off rocks? We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing'. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.     

Super Bowl Recap: They Were Who We Thought They Could Be

You saw it, the Bohunk assumes, with your own eyes; the Green Bowl Packers are the Super Bowl Champions, just as predicted using the Cheer-Babeless Formula as broken down by the Bohunk all last week. No Cheer-Babes, no problem. The CheeseCraniums won 31-25 in one of the best Super Bowls in modern history. Scoring, big hits, turnovers, chess-match-like head games by Thieves coach Mike Tomlin (not Omar Epps) and Packers top banana Mike McCarthy. The game had it all, except, sadly, Cheer-Babes. You’ve no doubt heard the game analyzed every possible which way by every possible Talking Head since Sunday night; “Big Rapist” Ben didn’t show up, Aaron Rodgers removed the Brett Favre curse from his own legacy, the Packers overcame injuries (Chuck Woodson, Donald “DUCK!” Driver and the shortly missing Sam Shields) to win. All of these things were important. But the biggest surprise for the Bohunk was this. The biggest cheap shot artist in the league, in the biggest game in the world, against the best team he has faced, left the game without any real mention, and no personal fouls. James Harrison, the most fined player in the NFL, was non-existent against the Packers. The Bohunk put an over/under side-bet on Twitter, putting the number at 2 penalties for Mr. Harrison. The Bohunk should have put it at 2 for tackles. Harrison had one tackle and one sack. That’s it. The Talking Heads have been blasting Polamalu all week (and by that I mean mostly Monday) for disappearing; he, at least, had three tackles.

Torch Passed. Via text message.

The Bohunk game ball goes to a favorite Packer of mine, Donald Driver. The guy has been in Green Bay since 1999, just a few years after Favre took the Pack to its first title since the  Lombardi Era. Driver has been a consistent receiver and a steady face in the Packer locker room. DD missed most of the Super Bowl with both knee and ankle sprains, but no one deserves that trophy more. Congrats, Pack…Now enjoy it, cause the Lions are coming for you. (Stop laughing)