Friday, December 17, 2010

Foxy Friday, Politician of the Year, and the End of the Kennedys…

It’s Foxy Friday, folks, so read on to see both the Fox of the Week and the Bohunk’s 2010 Politician of the Year…Odds are they are NOT the same person…

First, we tackle some current issues. Should the lame-duck sessions of Congress pack up and head home today, it will be the end of a 63 year long era. A Kennedy has been in the US Congress at all times since 1947 when John F. Kennedy became the a sitting Congressman from the state of Massachusetts. Patrick Kennedy, a Representative from Rhode Island, lost his re-election bid in November, leaving the US without a Kennedy representing any portion of it. Many see it as a dramatic fall from grace, reflective of the slow and regrettable decline of liberalism in these United States. After Ted Kennedy died last year, many pundits claimed it was the end of the “Lion” Liberal era, though the Bohunk views these changes differently. What other family can claim to be integrally involved in democratic politics for the past six decades? The Bush dynasty extends back only to the mid 1960’s and is represented by only two Bushes; the Kennedy’s had 6 elected office. The fact that their politics were that familiar and important for such a long time speaks volumes about the needs and views of the American public. Congrats, Pat Kennedy, on serving your nation as MOST of your family had done before you….

A quick mention to the Cleveland Indians’ pitching great Bob Feller who died Wednesday at the age of 92. One of the hardest-throwing pitchers in the history of the Big Leagues, Bob left Cleveland just after the bombing of Pearl Harbor to enlist in the Navy, giving up four years of his career (and roughly $100,000, big bucks in the ‘40’s) to fight on a gunship in the South Pacific. He served with the Navy as a gun captain, firing a 40 mm quad gun at enemy planes. “I knew then, and I know today, that winning World War II was the most important thing to happen to this country in the last 100 years. I’m just glad I was a part of it. I was only a gun captain on the battleship Alabama for 34 months. People have called me a hero for that, but I’ll tell you this — heroes don’t come home. Survivors come home.” In his first game back in the league, after practicing for only 2 days with the squad, Feller threw a four hit game that the Indians won against Detroit, 4-2. Hats off, Bob…

Bob Feller, the ‘Merican Hero…

Trouble in Ivory Coast as security forces open fire on demonstrators protesting President Laurent Gbagbo’s refusal to leave officed. The death toll is estimated to be any where from 6 to 32 people in widely differing reports from Amnesty International and eye-witness accounts. An election held in November resulted in Alassaane Ouatarra winning by a healthy margin over Gbagbo but Gbagbo has refused to leave office and has used the country’s state-run television to control the population’s information. The UN, US, EU and African Union all declared Ouatarra the winner on December 2, but the Congressional Council of Ivory Coast, a close ally to Gbagbo, threw out huge numbers of votes from the northern provinces citing “irregularities”, which led to Gbagbo also claiming victory. Gbagbo has held office for the past decade, the last five years illegally without elections until just this past month. Neither side shows any sign of giving up; many protesters are forming ranks as a part of a nation-wide militia. A full blown civil war is imminent…Neither the US, UN, EU or any other political body commented on the shootings this morning…

As promised, the Bohunk is proud to present very British actress and Fox Sienna Miller as the Fox of the Week. Sienna first opened eyes as a model in 2001. Her most famous role came in the film Factory Girl playing Andy Warhol’s muse, Edie Sedgwick, which released in 2006. She played The Baroness in 2009’s G.I. Joe blockbuster, though she prefers small budget indie films. Frankly, Sienna, we prefer any film you are in…

The beautiful and talented Sienna Miller…

You patience is about the be rewarded….Hold thine thundering heart, for here is the 2010 Bohunk Politician of the Year! The fictional award goes to former Senator John Edwards! The most important quality of a politician is to be unabashedly ballsy, and you sir, have proven yourself to be a true and seam-busting sack full. First, we found out this year that you had a child out-of-wedlock (while married to someone else) and denied it for two whole years. You even let your friend claim that it was his! That, sir, is ballsy. Even so, believe it or not, it is not the worst aspect of the affair. Edward’s wife, Elizabeth, had been battling cancer all through 2008, when John’s affair was at its steamiest. Elizabeth travelled the country by his side, stopping only to receive chemotherapy. As noted in the Update, Elizabeth died of her cancer this month, after legally separated from John, who now has custody of their two young children. For your sheer, terrible ballsiness, you, John Edwards, win Politician of the Year…. and Worst Human in the US Congress…So Far…Award.

John Edwards: Asshole.

(You had to assume this Award was going to satirical)

Since President Calderon declared “war” on Mexican drug cartels in 2006, more than 30,000 people have died as a result of the violence. Just this past year, 12,456 Mexican citizens have died in what the government calls “drug related violence.” These numbers leave out the hundreds of thousands of kids orphaned, working for cartels, and/or homeless. Calderon’s administration claims to have captured $11.2 billion in drugs since he took office. Experts in organized crime say that by taking down the bosses, Calderon has created a deadly power vacuum that warring cartels are scrambling to fill. A gap in a specific region or town due to imprisoned cartel leaders makes other gangs kill, fight, ransom and terrorize the neighborhood until they have taken it. For example, over 3,000 people have died in Cuidad Juarez in the past year, over ten times the murder rate just a few years ago. This is a situation that has a growing likelihood of spilling into US towns in Texas and Arizona. We shall, be assured, keep an eye on it….

In a final note, Google and Harvard have teamed up to look at word usage. Compiling digitized books that represent 4% of all works ever created (actually a massive number, trust me) lets researchers see how words go in and out of style. For example, use of the word “God” peaked in 1830, representing 12 of every 10,000 words used. Now, it is only mentioned twice per 10,000 words. An interesting battle is that between “men” and “women”; the word “women” is now used over twice as much as the word “men” in print. You go, girl.

Thanks for reading, check back tomorrow for the Top Post of the Week redone, and the Bohunk will be back Monday from the comforts of TC and a very soft couch.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Our Lady Of Fatima, Obama Goes to Court, and TIME Lays Down…

It’s Thursday, and of course, the very last day of exams at the Grandest Valley State Funded University in Allendale, MI. As of this afternoon, roughly 4pm, the Bohunk will be neck-deep in Linguistic mire and strife, but, dear readers, fear not; the Bohunk has lightly studied. Now, to the column…

The Bohunk is a sensible man, but with an insatiable thirst for the unexplainable (because I very much would like to see it explained). On this note, the Bohunk presents the following event in history. Flashback to Fatima, Portugal, 1917; just a few months ago, three shepherd boys claim to have met the Virgin Mary, Our Lady of Fatima (a local saint) and Jesus, on separate occasions. First off, these guys must be pretty cool to attract all of this Holy Attention. The Virgin Mary vowed to make herself known to the people of Fatima, and said that on 13 October she would make any doubt of her existence impossible. A crowd of 30,000 to 100,000 (pure estimates by the locals) showed up in the fields outside of town. The sun was pale and thin looking that day, they claim, and suddenly, it came racing toward earth, zigging and “dancing” toward the believers. The wet clothes of the crowd (it had rained all morning) dried in a matter of seconds, the wet and muddy ground became almost powder by its dryness.

"The sun's disc did not remain immobile. This was not the sparkling of a heavenly body, for it spun round on itself in a mad whirl, when suddenly a clamor was heard from all the people. The sun, whirling, seemed to loosen itself from the firmament and advance threateningly upon the earth as if to crush us with its huge fiery weight. The sensation during those moments was terrible." — Dr. Almeida Garrett, Professor of Natural Sciences at Coimbra University

Scientists at the time and even now maintain that the phenomena was a by-product of the children urging the believers to stare into the sun for hours, causing a proven ‘sun-madness’ that can be measured and predicted by modern science. However, eye witnesses up to eleven miles away claim to have seen the event and described it almost exactly the same as those gathered in the field. An act of some divinity? A hoax? A sign of the Virgin Herself? The Bohunk is, as always, skeptical…But what do you think?

The House of Representatives has passed a repeal of the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy that prohibits gays from openly serving in the military. The measure passed by a vote of 250 to 175, essentially following partisan lines. The measure will return to the Senate where Republicans have vowed to filibuster the vote until the Senate breaks for the holidays. Staying to this “Avoid the will of the Representatives of the People Until We Can Claim to Be The Majority of the People” is the Republicans last ditch attempt to avoid the responsibility of listening to the American People, and the will of the Armed Forces. As reported in an earlier Update, 70% of the military personnel polled said they did not think having openly gay soldiers, sailors and marines would in any way negatively affect their work environment. The most outspoken politician against repealing the bill is Sen. John “Lost And Is Now Pissy” McCain, who even went as far as to ignore the recent polls that showed military support. He then proposed asking the troops what they thought, forgetting that the poll had just been taken and released. Senility aside, it is time to pass the repeal….The Bohunk is tired of rewriting this piece every other week for the past 17 years or so…Kinda…

The Obama (Yo Mama) Administration has officially filed a lawsuit against BP and four other companies for its violation of the Clean Water Act. As you may recall, BP’s rig in the Gulf of Mexico exploded, dumping roughly 4.9 million barrels, and the US government is seeking anywhere from $1,300 to $4,300 per barrel from BP and the other companies. The Justice Department stated that the government is suing for this amount of money solely for the clean-up effort, because the damages of the spill, to environment, business, exportation, and tourism, will not be fully known for years to come.

Obama hopes the lawsuit against BP will be a slam dunk. Obama is pictured
here in high school, seated, front, middle, center…(If you couldn’t pick him out)

On a short follow-up from a previous piece, the Bohunk is happy to report that Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul, is back in her Detroit home after recovering from an invasive surgery to fight her growing pancreatic cancer. Doctors quickly dubbed the procedure as “highly successful” and are optimistic that Franklin will outlast the typically dismal survival rate for pancreatic cancer patients. Franklin is at home with friends and family, and even hopes to see the great Sam Cooke perform over the holidays. She will also attend a showing of “Dream Girls” at the Fox Theatre in one of its last showings before the historic building closes.

The Happy Meal offered by McDonald’s is again drawing criticism. The plaintiffs in a lawsuit against the Golden Arches claim that the fast food giant offers only fatty choices and specifically targets children by offering them toys, causing them to make poor dietary choices. From afar, I can hear Wes say, “No shit, sir.” A company that uses a clown and cartoon characters is quite obviously attracting children, just like any pedophile would (bringing us again to the timeless question, who used clowns first, the pedophile or the fast food giant?) in order to entice unsuspecting kids. It is the parents of these children, however, who open their wallets and shove greasy food down the throats of kids (avoiding the pedophile imagery now) that should be blamed, not the third graders. Fast food targeting children, in a health capacity, little different than tobacco companies using cartoons to achieve the same result.

Ronald likes them young and curious…and greasy….

Yesterday, the Bohunk noted that TIME named Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg Person of the Year. It has recently come to light, however, that in the true tally, Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, won the most votes, but TIME decided to select Zuckerberg to avoid controversy. And in this view, TIME obviously avoids a lot of criticism, especially from the US government and international diplomats who were ‘outed’, if you will, by the leaked cables over the past month. However, any respect and professionalism must be swept away by this move. It is the journalistic duty of organizations like TIME to create controversy, reward news-worthy efforts and freedom of information. To back down in the face of any pressure in naming what is simply an award is cowardly and embarrassing to the publication.

Come on back tomorrow for the naming of an even more prestigious award, the Flying Bohunk Politician of the Year, in addition to Foxy Fridays and my last Update written in the frozen hellscape of Allendale for three glorious weeks. There is still time to nominate the politcian you think was the most influential, for good or evil, this past year.

Again, apologies for the late post…The Bohunk needs a new computer for the holidays…That is an unabashed hint, Santa…

Thanks for reading, enjoy Thursday Night TV on NBC, starting with Community at 8. Come on back real soon, tomorrow, if possible….

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sleep and Obesity, Rich Ginger, and Narnia…

Whew! With any luck, and a bit of bed rest, you’ve had time to recover from the excitement that was the ceremonial naming of Sportsperson of the Year…Relax, this time, nothing as colossal as that happens. But read anyway…

Time recently named Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg “Person of the Year” and received a lot more attention than the Bohunk with such an award. Zuckerberg created the largest social networking medium in the history of the world. Nearly 500 million people around the globe log in to update their status and stalk each other’s pictures, all on the most complex and integrated network on the face of the earth. Facebookers represent one-twelfth of the world population, and though one may not recognize it, Facebook is a world phenomena. If Facebook’s users were a country, it would be the third largest in the world, only behind China and India. And though users may not realize it, but 70% of Facebook users live outside the US. Zuckerberg definitely reaped the benefits of his network’s popularity; his estimated net worth is around $6.9 Billion (that’s a B, you’ll be sure to note) at the ripe old age of 26. Not bad for a guy with red hair and partial color blindness (he can see blue the best, which is why it’s Facebook’s dominant color) and a Harvard drop-out. Congrats on being named Person of the Year, Mark….Perhaps one day you’ll earn the more prestigious award of the same name given by the Bohunk….Don’t lose sleep waiting for it, either….

Creepy soulless ginger Mark Zuckerberg…

Techies who claim to know such things have stuck the proverbial fork in Microsoft for being almost completely absent in the tablet market. While Apple has hit it big with its iPad, and mobile phone manufacturers like Samsung have introduced their own tablets, none run using Microsoft operating systems and many have adopted the Android OS because Microsoft has no viable contribution to the emerging market. Intel is also lacking a platform for a tablet, though many claim that Microsoft’s failure is more alarming because the company had always been well ahead of the competition in anticipating market trends. With new tablets soon to emerge, including efforts by Google, Samsung, and a new iPad 2 by Apple, many manufacturers are making a second model before Microsoft has even made one platform. Some have claimed it will the end of Microsoft; the Bohunk says, “No, sir, not quite so very fast.” Microsoft is too smart and too big to go quietly. Tablets are still a relatively TINY market compared to notebooks, laptops and even desktops, and Microsoft still dominates in those areas.

Would you like to be a more attractive person? Two separate studies have contributed some obvious but reaffirming information. Young adults, ages 19-30, who are active and at a healthy weight level can avoid gaining the average weight gain of their mid to late 30’s by staying active and staying below obesity rates. The study showed that people who were obese as a young adult became morbidly obese in their thirties, while those at a healthy BMI (Body Mass Index) only gained negligible weight even into their forties. The study suggests that as little as 4% of obese people at the age of 25 will ever return to a healthy weight over the course of the rest of their life. In the second study, researchers found that people who get at least 8 hours of sleep and do so at regular intervals (go to bed and wake at roughly the same time) have a remarkably better look. The study followed young adults and also parents to monitor the effect their sleeping habits had on their appearance and personality. People who stayed up past 11 o’clock and slept in past 10 am were irritable, grouchy and looked like Hell, (trust me, those pictures were alarming) while those who slept regular hours, usually 10 pm to 8 am, looked better and had a more positive outlook. One researcher claimed regular sleeping patterns might even make a person age much more slowly. So the next time you pull an all-nighter, think, perhaps, of the future and GO TO BED!

Sofia Vergara: She must sleep constantly. Congrats on the Golden Globes
nomination, Fox.

A suicide bomber killed 39 worshippers in Iran yesterday at a mourning ceremony outside a mosque in southeastern Iran. The Iranian government quickly announced that it believes the US is responsible for the attack, citing the use of advanced techonolgy and intelligence. The mourning ceremony was in honor of the death of Imam Hussein, supposedly the descendent of the Muslim prophet Muhammad who lived in the 7th century. Most of the worshippers were Shiite, and no claims for responsibility for the attack have been heard, though many suspect that the large Sunni population in the area could also be suspected. The US government, at the time of my hitting “Publish” on this baby, had made no comment to confirm or deny their involvement in the incident.

For a quick review of the recently Bohunk-ed Candide by Voltaire, I offer this book as the best read ever in a span of 137 pages. The story of a young man, Candide, who by trial and strife is forced from his home and to cross the globe in search of his love. His teacher, the philosopher Pangloss, tells him that his home of Westphalia is “the best of all possible worlds.” Candide and Pangloss live by the mantra of “everything is for the best” though they are hanged, kicked from their country, whipped, flogged, abandoned, robbed, burned and beaten. Voltaire repeatedly mentions some of his own sneering critics in the book, labeling them liars and thieves. The adventures of Candide are hilarious and cruel and equally so. It is an absurdist work, and contrary to what many claim, it is not an examination of the origin of evil or the immorality of mankind. Instead, Voltaire looks at how the individual reacts to injustice; each character or member of Candide’s band has fair claim to being the most mistreated by the world, but Candide and Pangloss seem to bear all with a positive heart and learn to live life for the very admirable reason of living. You can get it at Barnes and Noble here.

Jesus, shoot, I mean Aslan, the most easily identifiable Christ allegory. 

The new Chronicles of Narnia flick is in theaters and is atop the Box Office earnings list. The Bohunk is quite interested in how many of the books will actually be made into the film. For those who have not finished all of the books, the series ends SPOILER ALERT DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE INTENTION OF READING THE BOOKS with all the children dying while battling an army of what C.S. Lewis allegorically represented extremists Islamic soldiers. Way back in the day, Lewis already was quite sure that Muslims would begin to start trouble in the new millennium. The dead kids are then brought to what Lewis presents as Heaven, which is a version of Narnia ruled over by Jesus, I mean Aslan. The king of the Muslims is also there, however, and Jesus, dang it, sorry, I mean Aslan, says that the Supreme Being doesn’t care what religion you follow as long as you have a true and noble heart. Can the American public accept this type of ending? They would never accept a Muslim in “Heaven” (ruled, again, by a talking lion) let alone all the hero children being slain in a violent but bloodless (look at their swords in the last two movies; no blood, even when they stab an enemy combatant) battle scene.

In the on-going case of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Beef case, WADA officials have leveled quite frankly that the minute amount of clenbuterol found in Contador’s positive test July 21st is enough to be banned and punished for. Any amount of the drug found is reason enough to suspend Contador, the two-or-three time champ of the Tour de France. Contador’s blood revealed just 50 picograms (that is less than ‘trace’ amounts in other blood tests) that would probably not been found in most laboratories in the world. That would be written numerically as 0.00000000050 grams. The WADA spokesperson charged with dealing with the Spanish Sports Agency in charge ruling on Contador’s case was quoted as saying, “Just because it’s small doesn’t mean it’s not doping.” Many experts believe Contador mistakenly used transfused blood that was contaminated during the Tour de Swiss. Plasticizers found in the blood sample also serve to confirm this suspicion. The Bohunk’s take: Congrats on your default 2010 win, Andy Schleck, and you won’t be race El Pistolero in the next two years….

Thanks for reading everyone, and sorry for the late post. Some serious technical difficulties. Enjoy Modern Family on ABC tonight!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Sportsperson of the Year, A Crying Republican, and the End of Favre...

It is finally time to name the 2010 Bohunk Sportsperson of the Year…Read on to find out who the lucky SOB is, and what they think of their prestigious honor…

First, a quick introduction to the new Speaker of the House, the very, unabashedly-Republican John Boehner. The person (he has not been elevated to Gentleman status by the Bohunk) from Ohio was once a janitor and has risen to become the second person in line to become President of these United States of America. Boehner is known for his ‘old school’ Republican associations, and being well ingrained with elements of the established GOP, as opposed to the Tea Partiers who recently stormed the polls to join him in next years Congress. Unfortunately for Boehner, he is known not just for his politics, but primarily for his crying. Twice while being interviewed on ABC News he broke down into a stammering incoherence. Fellow politicians, including Nancy Pelosi, claim that Boehner frequently breaks down while discussing proposed bills in committee meetings.For those who watch CSPAN (all four of you) Boehner has cried while giving speeches on numerous occasions, including the video below. It is worth noting that when women cry in politics, it is taken as a sign of weakness; Hilary Clinton dropped a tear in her 2008 primary stop in New Hampshire and was roundly criticized. Men, however, are called compassionate when they let it all come out. This is a double-standard that needs to be looked at, especially when it applies to the Speaker of the House. (Nancy Pelosi, it should be noted, has never cried while in office. She is a hard-ass)

Wants to save the American people from terrorism, but voted against a cancer bill that would make insurance companies pay costs of chemotherapy. Note to Americans…Don’t get cancer.

The Bohunk is honored to present Mr. Ted King the coveted Sportsperson of the Year award in its inaugural edition. Ted King is a rare gem; cyclist, blogger, chef and Tweeter-extraordinaire. As a member of the Coolest Looking Cycling Squad Ever, Cervelo TestTeam, he graced the Italian roads in not one but two Giro d’Italias, and has consistently “rocked the party that rocks the pinata” while offering up some hefty servings of blogging nourishment. While he is a heck of a cyclist, Ted is also a heck of a human being. Ted’s commitment to the Krempels Center, an organization committed to improving the lives of those suffering from a brain injury or damage, is one of the coolest athlete-cause hook-ups in modern times. Along with Cutaway Clothing, all proceeds from iamnottedking stickers and half of the cost of shirts go directly to the Krempels Center. And since none of you are Ted King, the iamnottedking clothing line is essentially personalized. As always, you can see Ted’s blog and Cutaway Clothing by selecting the corresponding link in the right hand column of my blog. Upon being notified of his impending (and awesome) award, Ted said, “It (nearly) brings a tear to my eye… The culmination of so much struggle and strife, I am humbled by such a dubious title.” Head over to Ted’s blog (click here if you are too lazy to look on the right) to see pictures and intriguing commentary from the Tedly from his current stay in Italy with his new squad, Liquigas-Cannondale. Congrats, Ted, and enjoy Italy. Thank you for being such an impeccable Gentleman…

Ah, the life of a professional cyclist…Thanks for being such a swell fella, Ted, and all
the best in 2011…The Bohunk will keep everyone Updated on your adventures…

In a huge blow against a potential national healthcare bill, a Virginia State court ruled that the mandate which requires most of the US population to be covered by some amount of insurance is unconstitutional and must be stricken from any potential bill. The law in Virginia states that no citizens, for any reason, should be forced to buy insurance. The judge on the case stated that the mandate’s stipulation that a citizen being forced to buy insurance is “beyond the historical reach of the US Constitution” and is unlawful. Experts agree that an appeal is imminent and the case will almost certainly end up on the desk of the Supreme Court. Recent research shows that up to 15% of the US population is uninsured, a total that makes up roughly 45 million Americans. The mandate was included to ensure that the number of under or uninsured Americans would drastically decrease, and provide coverage for the poor and poverty-stricken working class. The Bohunk would kindly remind the state of Virginia that only one in four Virginians have employer-sponsored insurance…The rest are either covered by a spouse or purchase their own insurance anyway…

In one last shameless plug, the Bohunk beseeches thee to click here to buy my new short story, West. For a whopping $2 bill, you can get an eBook so awesome your computer screen will actually get a little brighter.

Richard "Bulldozer" Holbrook died this morning after undergoing heart surgery to repair his aorta valve. Holbrook was 69 years old. He is best known for his masterful and delicate construction of the Dayton Peace Accords which ended the ethnic turmoil during the dissipation of Yugoslavia. The Accords were signed December 14, 1995. In 2008, Holbrook was brought aboard the Obama Administration's foreign policy team as a special representative to Afghanistan and Pakistan, with the cumbersome task of stabilizing the region and fighting terrorism. His abrasive style (you don't get nicknamed "Bulldozer" for being patient) did not win many friends in the year and a half he worked in Central Asia, but diplomats from all nation's involved were impressed by his tenacity and work ethic. Holbrook has worked as a diplomat for the US government for every administration since John F. Kennedy and has been involved in the Vietnam War and every US conflict till the present day. Holbrook is reported to have discussed tensions in Afghanistan with a Pakistani doctor as he was being sedated for his surgery; his last comment was, "You've got to stop this war in Afghanistan."

For the first time in 18 years and 84 days, Brett Favre did not start for his football team. After suffering a shoulder injury last week, rumors swirled about the "Ol' Gunslinger's" ability to make his 298th consecutive start against the G-Persons. First, he had the luck of the Metrodome's roof collapsing, giving him an extra day to heal up. Second, it is Brett Favre; the guy just heals up. But, alas, it was not to be. Favre was put on the injured reserve just hours before kick-off and was inactive for the game Monday night in Detroit. For some perspective, I draw upon a comment made by a young friend named Riley. He stated, with, I can imagine, a glistening tear upon his cheek, that for the first time in his entire life Brett Favre was not starting a football game during the regular season. The only other times he wasn't playing on Sunday was a result of a playoff loss or a Monday Night game. Favre leads he league in interceptions and inappropriate text messages this season while the Hyperboreans' hopes of the playoffs are essentially non-existent, though mathematically there is still a (very) long shot. It is now time for Favre to limp and hobble off into the sunset, as he should have done three years ago, his legendary name still intact...

That's it for the Bohunk, thanks for reading and have a glorious Tuesday everyone. Congrats, again, to Ted King and stay tuned for the rest of the month for the rest of the Bohunk Awards...

Monday, December 13, 2010

Sweden, Rings, A Wasted Heisman and Miley Cyrus…

It is the week before Christmas and the Bohunk reminds you that the holidays are not only about gifts and presents, but that is how people will remember you. Do not be the guy to show up to the Christmas even empty handed, unless you are really sure they already like you.

The snow of the season blanketed most of the Mid-West and the East Coast over the weekend, dumping a few feet in areas of west New York, northern Indiana and northern Michigan. And, true to form, people acted as though the world might end. This time, however, the accumulation was worth the excitement. The Minnesota Hyperboreans vs. New York G Persons was postponed after the Giants were stranded in Kansas City, and the dome the Vikings play in nearly collapsed. It means Detroit will host its first Monday Night Football game in over a decade, though obviously the Lions will still not partake. Tickets in Detroit are free to whoever would like to watch; the Bohunk predicts a sparse crowd.

What experts believe to be a suicide bomb attempt killed one man and injured to others in Stockholm, Sweden. The Nordic country known for its blondes and neutral stance in foreign policy has long avoided the terror threats and bombings that have rocked other European nations since 2001. Two separate explosions just seconds apart and only 200 yards away rocked a busy commerce center in Stockholm. An e-mail sent to many news outlets claimed responsibility for the attacks, citing Sweden’s support of the US in Afghanistan (Sweden has 500 troops in country) and their support for the cartoonist who drew an image of Allah, which is a pretty big taboo in the Islamic faith. The country also has faced a massive influx of Muslims into the country, prompting a rise in right-wing anti-immigration policy and attitude in response to the influx of foreigners. It is a small world after all…

The controversial image of Allah from Sweden’s cartoonist, Mr. Viilk. Edited to avoid

One of the most beautiful and intriguing mysteries in the cosmos was the origins of Saturn’s rings. Many scientists have lobbed guesses, but there was never enough evidence to go beyond theory. The planet’s distance also has prevented any concrete exploration of the composition of the rings and its moons, though they can conclude that the moons are primarily rock and ice. A new theory based on the presence of pockets of hydrogen brings about a new guesstimation. Robin Canup, the author of a new study on Saturn, says that a giant ring of hydrogen once surrounded the planet. This ring had a huge role in the formation of the rinds, creating and destroying planets, and even altering their orbits and send them crashing through Saturn’s atmosphere; if they made it through uncrushed, some actually came out on the other side. Fast forward a billion years, and the hydrogen ring has dissipated, either being captured in Saturn or drifting off into space, leaving some traces in the rings amongst millions of fractured rocks and ice particles. We have studied this planet for decades, and we are only just learning how the most marked trait of any planet in the solar system was formed (although the Bohunk would admit the presence of life on Earth is pretty important too). We don’t know everything, we know almost nothing. The universe, my friends, is the greatest mystery.

Saturn and her rings: The result of billions of years of hydrogen slowly dissipating into
the deep recess of space….And nice to look at, too.

A short note on the Heisman: For the first time in twelve years, the Bohunk did not watch the Heisman trophy presentation at the Downtown Athletic Club. Since I was ten years old, I have watched the presentation of the most valued and prestigious award in amateur sports. Sitting in my basement, dressed in shorts and cleats and a jersey, I watched the award handed to Ricky Williams, Eric Crouch, Charles Woodson and the rest; not all amazing pros, or good people in life. But when they were awarded the Bronze Man With A Wicked Stiff Arm, we all knew they were amateurs. Saturday, that same trophy was handed to a player, Cam Newton, who we know to have stolen computers. He left the University of Florida to avoid a academic scandal after he was suspected of cheating and accepting improper assistance. Then, his father offered up his son to the highest bidder, looking for up to $180,000 from Mississippi State, and finally settling on Auburn because, as Cam Newton was quoted by Miss. State sources, “The money was just too good.” The NCAA cleared him because the money from the bowls is too good; Auburn stands to win almost $100 million to split with the SEC. Within a month of the game being played, Newton will be declared ineligible. His Heisman will have to be returned, and his wins, records, and all of his team’s accomplishments will be erased. Simply embarrassing. All the luck in the world to Oregon, My Oregon on January 10th.

A sad look in the Update’s ongoing coverage of the cholera epidemic in Haiti. Clinics and the nation’s experts now say that over 4,000 people have died from cholera with roughly 100,000 being afflicted with the disease since the outbreak began in October. Fears in the Caribbean are now turned to the neighbors of Haiti, however, who fear that the disease may spread to the Dominican Republic or other nations in the area. Experts and the UN have put into practice a system meant to regulate border crossings by those who may have had contact with the sick, and no food or water is allowed to pass into the Dominican Republic. A handful of cases of the disease have been reported in small rural villages along the Haitian border.

Miley Cyrus: Peace, Love and Weed.

In lighter news, videos are out after Miley Cyrus was caught “hitting” (as the kids would say) a bong, which the Bohunk has learned is a device used to smoke the illegal plant-drug marijuana. Cyrus was at her eighteenth birthday party. While a let-down and a poor example for millions of her fans, the Bohunk looks on it positively; at least the video wasn’t her getting “hit” by anybody. (This implies a sex tape, sorry, not easy to mix terminolgy) She has not made a comment about it yet, though the Bohunk suspects it will be, “That’s just Miley being Miley.”

The Detroit Lions beat the Green Bay Packers yesterday by the runaway score of 7-4. It was the first division win since Detroit beat the Bears in 2007. They are still holding their streak of road losses, 25, but to focus on the positive, the Lions beat a very solid Packers team that was a Super Bowl pick by many of the trend-spotting Talking Heads on ESPN. The Packers are still one game behind the Bears for the division title, and the two play to end the season. Both teams are jockeying with the New York G-Persons for the wildcard spot.

In a blustery Chicago Bears vs. New England Flying Elvii match-up, the Best Team In The NFL (Patriots) beat up the Bears, winning by 33 at the half, prompting CBS to switch to the Jets/Finns game at the start! of the third quarter. Tom “Bieber” Brady looked cool as the relatively frigid temperature of a fading white dwarft star as he tossed for two TDs and 369 yards. The Bohunk politely notes to readers that the Pats were dubbed the Best Team In the NFL on October 13th, almost two months ago to the day, and they are now proving it…Someone most have told them of my vote of confidence.

In another contribution to the Bohunk’s Cheap Gifts for the holidays, you may just want to pick up a copy of Earth (The Book): A Visitor’s Guide to the Human Race now just $15 when you buy online. Jon Stewart takes a hypothetical alien through the goings-on and daily life of the Blue Planet’s stewards, humans. It’s a colorful, hilarious book and your wise-ass on the list is going to enjoy each sarcastic page. Just follow the link to Barnes and Noble.

Again, the Bohunk must shamelessly plug his own book, West, on-sale now as an eBook on Barnes and Noble. You can pick it up here for an amazingly good deal of only $2.

Thanks for reading, folks, and come back tomorrow for some more Christmas cheer. And some really depressing world news.