Friday, October 29, 2010

Nebraska, The Large People and Weekend Whorrior.....

It's Friday, and more importantly, it's the last Update before the Halloween weekend. Soon, we will be surrounded by the treats, tricks, costumes, and skeezes dressed like Lady Gaga. Judging from sources abound, the top Halloween costumes for this year, as reported earlier in the month on the Update, are Snooki and Lady Gaga for skanks and Dora the Explorer for kids. Perverts around the country anxiously await the pictures on Facebook of girls dressed in all three of these guises....

It's time, yes, you've been waiting I know, for the Weekend Whorrior! This week's prize goes to Tight Jeans McUggBoot, a obvious Freshman from Northville, MI. You can tell because the dear, sweet lass is still wearing her high school sweatshirt and matching sweatpants with "Stags" written boldly across the ass. Tight Jeans McUggBoots, now a stained, disillusioned girl who regrets every decision she made last night, even the ones she can't remember, will go on in a never-ending cycle of debauchery which will will not stop unless she "wants to." Congrats, McUggBoots!

The second game of the World Series gave us another Giants win, Giants win last night as the Large People stomped the Rangers, who, as you'll recall, were supposed to take the Series in 6 games according to nearly every baseball "expert" in the league. Teams that win the first two games of the Series go on to win 78% of the time.
This brings us to another good point. The Talking Heads of ESPN are notoriously bad at predictions; most analysts had either the Cowboys, Vikings, Saints and Packers in not only the playoffs, but vying for the NFC title and Super Bowl. These teams are a combined 11-15 and not one is on top of their division, though the Packers are tied at 4-3 with Da Bears. The average fans, you and me, my good chum, are just as proficient as the "experts"...

In cycling news, the Schleck brothers' "We-Swear-We-Have-A-Team, Honest" squad picked up some more firepower, adding ex-Saxo-Bank man Jakob Fuglsang, Very, very German rider Linus Gerdeman and the also German but somehow less-so Fabian Wegmann. The squad recently hailed the arrival of last year's World Champ and time trialist superhero Fabian Cancellara, workhorse Jens Voight and a host of other solid contributors, most coming from their old team Saxo-Bank. Bjarne Riis must be crapping himself; the team director lost most of his squad to the departing Schlecks and, trying to replace them, picked up the suspended and possibly banned Alberto Contador and half of his old Astana team. Without Alberto, those guys are essentially climbers with no chance at the Classics that made Saxo so successful in years past outside the Tour....

Tomorrow is the Haunted Halloween Challenge, a cyclocross race I will be trying for the very first time. I am not so strong at hopping off my bike and carrying it; apparently that is a massive part of this race. Joining me will be my Dad, and no one else. Seriously. As of last this morning, there was not another soul registered for the Group B race. If that is the case, it will allow my our costumes to really work. I am going as Lance Armstrong and he will be Levi Leipheimer. Getting those RadioShack kits really paid off....

That's all from me, I'm off to ride! Enjoy your Halloween and be safe; check your candy and make sure you're not eating Swedish Fish. Those are gross. Enojoy Nebraska vs. Missouri tomorrow at 3.30 on ABC

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Buckyballs, Halloween, Obama and an "Attaboy Babe-ee!"

If you guessed that the pitching duel between Cy Young winners Tim Lincecum and Cliff Lee would result in 18 runs, 10 doubles and Lee's first loss in the post season in his career, well, good guess. The Giants throttled Lee, who gave up 6 earned runs after allowed 2 runs total in his last two starts. Tim "If You're Going to San Franciso, Be Sure to Put Flowers in Your Hair" Lincecum pitched a subpar game by his standards, but they got a win, and they don't have to face Cliff Lee again for at least a week.

Scientists have confirmed the existence of buckyballs (see below, you don't need to know this off the top of your head) around not three but four! dying stars within our very own galaxy. Buckyballs are complex sphere-shaped bundles of carbon and were first created in a lab on earth by scientests and named after designs by a famed architecht, Buckminster Fuller. More importantly, the balls of carbon are located in vast quanitites and in regions of space with confirmed high levels of hyrdogen; scientists had thought that the existence of buckyballs would be impossible in the vicinity of hydrogen, which would compress the carbon and result in a chain structure. Why does this matter to you? It doesn't. It is just a good reminder that we do not know everything, we know almost nothing, and there is nothing wrong with trying to learn more. The universe, my friends, is a profound mystery.

French officials have announced the discovered a video reportedly featuring Osama Bin Laden, threatening the country as a result of its attitude toward America, its Muslim population and Islam in general. The French said, "Eh." France, where protests are winding down after weeks of strikes and demonstrations, recently passed a bill that will raise the retirement age to 62, as covered in a previous Update. The population ignored this tape and its threats throughout the strikes, and only now is the terror threat being taken seriously. When asked on the street, Frenchman Pierre Rousseau said, "We don't care, we are French, nobody attacks us anymore." True, Pierre, true. President Sarkozy will go ahead with plans to withdraw troops from Afghanistan in 2011. Good! We should all get out; we didn't find a single WMD in Iraq, and not one afghan blanket in the whole of Afghanistan.

It's almost Halloween, and a quick, you-probably-already-know-this tip on the origin of the holiday. Many link the holiday to a Roman holiday, but it is more likely descendant of the Celtic holiday Samhain. The Celts believed that on this day each year, the murky boundary between the living and the dead was especially thin, allowing the dead to walk among the living for the night (Mickey Rooney got lost 46 years ago and stayed with us ever since). The Romans converted the Celts, and everyone else they conquered, to Christianity, which meshed well the established relgion of the Celts. So, the holiday of Samhain became the Roman holiday of Pomona, which, as the "Universal" Church gained power, became Christianized as All Saints' Day. However, the tribes refused to give up their customs. They kept October 31st as "All Hallow's Eve", which became shortened to what we know today, and partied in costume and drinking and feasting before having to sit in church all friggin' day the next morning. Just like Christ taught...

Big "Attaway, Babe-ee" to Jon Stewart, who asked the tough questions of President Obama last night on "The Daily Show". Obama stood his ground; what some might have thought to be just a photo-op became one of the most respectable, honest discussions in all of the media interviews with the current President. Stewart, thank you for seizing the opportunity and refusing to pander. We respect you and Obama more for it.

Finally, the Bohunk will be travelling up north for a cyclocross race this Saturday. There are only 6 people registered; sign up, and I will ride with you in your Group C race. Just let me know if you'll be there. With no one else signed up in my category, I may be racing myself; my most feared enemy and rival.

Thanks for reading, enjoy the NBC line-up, they have the best Halloween episodes. Don't forget to check out "Blood Meridian" by Cormac McCarthy, there will be a Book Club membership application soon.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Baking with Sylvia Plath, Cliff Lee and Limewire....

LeBron began his season of destiny with a thud. A loss to the Celtics, 31 points and the announced shoe release is a mixed day for Queen James, though for those writing off the Heat as too ungainly, please be reminded. It was one game, in October. These guys will be good; we can only hope not good enough to take titles.

A New York judge has ruled that Limewire, the file sharing network most students "share" music on, must shut down operations it software. The ruling comes five months after Limewire lost a suit which claimed it violated volumes of copyright laws for years on end. The ailing music industry will certainly hail the announcement as a victory; Jim Riemersma, 32, an unemployed philosophy major who downloads hundreds of files everyday, which surely see this as, "total crap".

Boise State, the thorn in the side of the BCS, won again last night in an impressive win over Lousiana Tech. Yes, I said an impressive win of Lousiana Tech. While many detractors of the Broncos say that a team who plays nobody should have no shot at the title, I think it is only fair that they have the opportunity which they have been denied for three seasons now. They can only beat the teams the play; nobody, and I mean nobody, is stupid enough to play Boise State. Look at Virginia Tech; they were thumped by Boise, and are limping along at 5-2 after losing to James Madison. Any coach who says Boise State doesn't deserve to play in the title game should be forced to play Boise and back it up.

It's Game 1 of the World Series, and all you need to know is that Cliff Lee is pitching for the Rangers....

A study found that roughly half of the students in the U.S. have experienced bullying in some form over the last 12 months. This holds true to the Bohunk's very own study conducted five minutes ago; we know that everyone gets picked on. Humans are the most cruel species on the earth, and none is so cruel as a group of children. But the recent trend of specified, hateful bullying is something new. It may be the product of decaying family structures, violent video and television exposure, poor economic climate or a comination of everything. We need to treat each other better. Period.

A friend of Jenn Sterger says she saw the innappropriate pictures sent by Brett Favre when he was a member of the Jets. She and Sterger "laughed", which I'm sure made Brett just shrivel up... on the inside. With his current injured ankle, the bad image and the terrible season, I think Brett would be wise and excused for quietly limping off into the sunset this week. But, he won't. He'll drag this all out until ESPN no longer covers him. Whatever you have to do Brett, I guess keep on.

Happy birthday, kind of, to the great Sylvia Plath, who was born this day in 1932. Plath was an excellent poet and was of the most well known in American literature. Most will remember her masterpiece "The Bell Jar".

Police in La Paz, Bolivia have arrested a women attempting to mail a mummy to France. The woman had a mummy, believed to be an Incan man, marked for standard post to Compiege, France. Where did she get the mummy? And why France? No idea....


You've been great, tune in to "Modern Family" at 9 after you get bored of the World Series which starts at 8.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Queen James, Tornado Warning, and (More!) Tainted Spanish Meat...

The Cowboys lost. Again. While it ruins my chances at Monday Night Pick'em for the rest of the season, it ends all hope for the 'Pokes; no playoffs, no winning season, no new starlet girlfriend for Romo as his broken collarbone heals in the coming weeks. Romo will be replaced by Jon Kitna, the one time savior of the Lions over a span of roughly 6 games before plummeting to lose the rest of the games that season. Hopefully, he does the same for Dallas.

In weather, a topic rarely breached in the Update, there is a tornado warning effective until Tuesday in Michigan, from Kalamazoo to Mecosta County. As I pedaled into a 20 mph wind yesterday and woke to a 30 mph wind this morning, I wondered what, in deed, was going on. It' 67 degrees in Michigan in October. If you don't believe in climate shift, go suck an egg. That is all...

The NBA opens tomorrow night with Queen James and his Heat taking on the Celtics. After all the hype and annoying sports talk jabber, actual basketball sounds mildly interesting. I watch the play-offs; the regular season seems a bit redundant. James goes into Boston with a new team, a new ad campaign and a new shoe deal in the works with Nike. Expect a round of the glorious boo-birds ringing in his ears as he takes the court. He is a coward for leaving the Cavs, but basketball fans must know; you are forgotten if you don't win rings. They also remember how you got them, LeBron.

In the Case of Contador and the Tainted Spanish Meat (sounds like a book series) the 2 or 3 time Tour de France champion's home town of Pinto, Spain, gathered to create a 3 km human chain in support of the beleagured champion. Really, they were just trying to shield him as he began another drug transfusion behind them. Earlier in the month, the mayor of the small town hung a yellow banner from town hall as a show of support for the rider, who has disappeared since denying use late last month. No decision has been made in his case.

In other cycling news, Contador's one time teammate and one time rival Lance Armstrong announced he will end his international cycling career at the Tour Down Under in January. The Australian stage race was Armstrong's first during his comeback from retirement two years ago thie spring. Armstrong, like Contador, is under investigaton of doping charges and a litany of other offenses. (One day,there will be a story without doping charges, I promise) All this Federal money to investigate a man who pedaled faster than other men in tightly fitting clothing around France. There are homeless people who could use a roof over their heads; let the UCI deal with Lance.

And now, the first ever Poll by the Update; Who is in the World Series? Originally, I had hoped for readers to choose a winner, but it sounds like no one knows who is playing. Leave a comment with the teams and, if you know that, who will win. Hint: It's not the Cubs.

That's all we have time for this morning. Thanks for the read and tell your friends. It will get better before it gets worse; I'm planning to write some reall crappy stuff later in the week. Enjoy "Community" on NBC tonight!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Choke-lahoma, Robots vs. Humans, and "Dubya"....

What a weekend! The computer's number one (Chokelahoma) lost while the humans' number one kept itself unsoiled by the filth and squalor of defeat last Thursday. Of course I speak of the Oregon Ducks, or, as long as they keep winning, MY Oregon Ducks. This again proves the superiority of humans over machines, and the stupidity of math formulas decided the best team in the country. Let the computers revolt! Humans can survive! Look at the polls!

Also, professional football players plied their trade on Sunday after the amateurs. Some of the amateurs could be professional though; they are getting paid by agents. Some of the professionals should not be employed (I'm looking at you, Drew Stanton) but still make millions.

Brett Favre was grilled by investigators last week for taking pictures of his "Lil' Gunslinger" and sending them to Jenn Sterger, now of "The Daily Line", which you probably haven't seen. After the Vikings' loss to the Packers, head coach Brad Childress questioned his veteran quarterback's decision making. He should be wondering why a 40 year old man is sending naked pictures of himself to a woman half his age; or why he cannot decided if he wants to play football every other week; or if he is even worthy of starting for the Vikings right now. Really, the Vikings should be questioning if Favre is worth all the trouble. If this was a player by any other name, he would be on the bench. And after re-injuring his troubled ankle last night, he may break his consecutive starts streak, the only milestone he will achieve this season. Oh how the vain do fall....

Do you think Afghanistan is a backwards crooked country? Might they be, perhaps, in the pocket of our enemies while we continue to act as police officers in their country? Well, you're right! When asked if his Chief of Staff accepted money from the government of Iran, President Karzai (who admitted to rigging elections on not one but two occasions) said, "Yes, yes we did." Cue the double take; not only does Karzai have the hefty cojones to accept the money for what he called "campaign financing", he has the massive stones to admit it to the world. You may recall a Bohunk Update from weeks past on the topic of Republicans possibly accepting campaign money from abroad, which they denied. Governments are terrified to be thought of as in debt to other countries, though are not ashamed to be bought and their campaigns funded by corporations. For example, Republicans denied taking foreign money, but were "totally cool" with accepting millions from Target. However, Karzai has no problem with his funding. It is amazing to think of. This is the equivalent of Barack Obama accepting cash from Cuba while in office and saying, "I got the cash, let's go ball." It's unabashed corruption. Let's bring our troops home; Iran can protect Karzai.

Scary surprise of the century? Former President George "Dubyah" Bush will release a book on his presidency on this November 9th. It would have been out sooner, but the ghost writer had a difficult time transcribing Bush's crayon drawings into words. It didn't help that Bush drew Cheney as a robot for 429 pages. The ex-Pres, which 71% of the country reportedly blames for the current economic failures, said the book with be "an exhaustive, chronological account" of his life and time in office. Wow, sounds like something I won't be able to put down. Tip: Don't ever call your own book "exhaustive" in any context.

That's all, it will be better tomorrow folks. Enjoy Giants vs. Cowboys tonight, I'll bet you anything Romo throws an interception and then turns to the side with a really dumb look on his face. Watch for it, happens every time....