Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving, iThings and Red Kettles…

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and may you celebrate what you have by waking uncomfortably early, braving the weather and swirling snow and spending more than you have to purchase more things to be thankful for. The Bohunk has always thought the presence of Black Friday so insultingly close was a most insensitive juxtaposition of American values: Be thankful, then consume.

But more importantly, Turkey Day is the annual occurrence of the Detroit Lions playing on national television. Many Talking Heads have proposed that the honor of playing on Thanksgiving be taken away from Detroit, who has been playing in front of folks eating pies since 1934. To them, I say boldly; “How dare you, sir?” The Lions, and the city of Detroit, have very little to hang their hats upon. This game, every year, is one of the strongest and most dearly held traditions in sports. The game is a very large reason why Detroit has a massive parade and running event downtown, an important bump to the obviously struggling economy. In the light of ex-mayor Kwame “Crooked as a Tree Limb” Kilpatrick’s many scandals, a political embarrassment still drawing convictions, and the repeatedly persecuted automotive industry, Detroit needs something to point to with pride.

This gyration and gesticulation is the stuff 2-win teams should avoid….

In the game, however, the Lions played with their typical fervor until roughly half time, at which point the overwhelming scent of turkey legs and stuffing was craftily wafted into their dressing room by Tom Brady hair. The Lions played right up to the Flying Elvii, going blow for blow with The Best Team In The NFL for over two quarters. Then, the Lions realized what jerseys they were and began playing to that tune. A 79-yard touchdown to Deion Brach from Brady had cornerback Alphonso Smith turning around three times on the play after scooting 15 yards to close the gap. Safety CC Brown jogged for 40 yards on the play, only coming into the television’s frame on the 5 yard line. Then, “Shotgun” Shaun Hill began playing like the perennial back-up he SHOULD be by throwing some ugly balls, including missing a wide open Nate Burleson on a 3rd and short near the end of the third quarter. Detroit receivers replied, in turn, by dropping some easy passes, including Burleson’s drop in the end zone late in the fourth. On that play, with 6 minutes left in the game, the Bohunk put down the fork, belched slightly, and said, “Game Over.”

‘Tis the season, folks, the season of giving. And now, you can give with plastic. Those little red kettles, a stalwart fixture outside of so many department stores, are now accepting credit cards in some high-traffic locations. The kettles will still be setup for change and bills, but one can assume the plastic will be of use in higher income areas. In the words of one Pompous Ass, “Cash is for gangstas.”

On this Black Friday, Apple is running some rare deals in hopes of attracting some buyers. Apple and its iThings (iPhones, touches, pods, macs and TVs) are almost never offered at reduced pricing. The rough economy and raised interest in sales this season have prompted the TechnoGiant to take a little bit off some of its more popular items to stimulate sales. For example, its 8gb iPod Touch, usually $230.00, is down to a low, low $199.99. iPod Shuffles are a whopping $2 off…if that lures you off the couch today.

There is big-doin’s this afternoon in college football, folks. Last night, Texas A&M (my favorite use of the ampersand) defeated archrival Texas to make the Longhorns bowl ineligible. Today, however, is the final match up of the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Colorado Buffaloes. Nebraska can take the Big 12 North title with a win, and secure a cozy lil’ spot in the Big 12 title game. But it also assures itself a strong end to its run as a Big 12 team, a conference it helped create out of the Big South and Big Eight divisions back in the 60’s and early 70’s. Next season, the Huskers will be in the Big Ten, playing the strange likes of Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan. Godspeed, Huskers, please run the ball the length of the field and place the oblong sphere across the imagined plane highlighted at it base by a white stripe.

Taylor “Swift” Martinez will get his first and only shot against Colorado today.

Also today, Auburn plays Alabama, the last chance for the forces of good (Bama) to defeat the Army of Dark and Shadows (Auburn) before the season is over. Auburn is already guaranteed a spot in the SEC Championship against South Carolina, win or lose, but a loss to ‘Bama would knock them from the #2 spot in the BCS and allow the likes of a Boise State/TCU squad to face Oregon, My Oregon for the National Title. The Bohunk’s prediction; Auburn 14, Cam Newton 14, Alabama 35. Roll, Tide, Roll. Please.

Finally, in the Case of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Meat, “El Pistolero” and his lawyers will present their defense this Friday against doping charges stemming from in July 24th positive test for clenbuterol. Contador and his team with make a formal presentation to attempt to convince a Spanish court of his innocence. As reportedly in an early Update, Spanish authorities have debunked Contador’s claim that he ingested tainted beef the evening before his positive test. Others claim that the positive is the result of a blood transfusion of less tired blood that contained the clenbuterol and also plasticizers from the transfusion bag. Contador is going to be banned; the 2010 title will be given to a reluctant Andy Schleck, and the Saxo-Bank-Sungard squad will probably be defunct as a result. Way to go, Alberto. Ruin your sport, squad and the livelihoods of your teammates.

Thanks for reading, enjoy the leftovers today, and of course, the football. See you next week, folks, and don’t be forget to be thankful.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Itchy Kardashian, Unintelliegent Design and a Bananahammock…

In a nation where divorce is commonplace and the new trend of prolonged cohabitation is widely accepted, it is no real surprise to hear that 40% of Americans believe marriage is obsolete. Things, if you have not been paying attention, have changed; women do not need marriage to support themselves or their children, both sexes are more likely to put marriage off in order to pursue a career, and the stigma of children born out of wedlock has greatly dissipated. This has actually brought out what we might view as a positive; women are more likely to cite “true love” as their deciding factor to wed or not, roughly 78% saying this was the most important part of a marriage. Just 30 years ago, in the late 1970’s, just 28% of women cited love as the deciding factor. 57% of women, at that time, claimed that “monetary” issues would decide who they would marry. So, contrary to what we might think, women are more likely to marry for love than money in the new century. (Some gold digging hussy DID NOT pay me to write this)

The question was posed last evening on Facebook, which read as follows: In the 70's, Richard Nixon's chief campaign advisor proposed buying yachts to serve as "floating brothels" to lure and blackmail Democrats who would be attending that election year's DNC. This was while he was a member of a sitting President's staff. And paid by tax dollars. Can you name this crooked son of a gun? If you guessed Gordon G. Liddy, you’re right! and probably at least 45 years of age. That’s right. Liddy also proposed murdering several writers of The Washington Post, kidnapping the children of Congressmen, and breaking into the…oh, well, he actually did that one.

G. Gordon Liddy…Facist, Republican, and Closeted….

Troubling news for the American servicemen and women stationed in South Korea this morning, as reports indicated that North and South Korean troops have exchanged hundreds of artillery rounds over S. Korea’s Yeonpyeong Island. Two S. Korean soldiers were killed with others injured. North Korean casualties are unknown. North Korea’s state news program stated it began firing on the island in response to South Korea’s weapons firing, a regularly scheduled drill where rounds fell harmlessly into the ocean.

In the ongoing battle for Top Sexually Transmitted Disease, gonorrhea has dropped in popularity. Make way for the new King of STDs…(drum roll)….Chlamydia! The nasty disease afflicts roughly 2.8 million Americans (2.5 if you take into account that Kim Kardashian gets it over and over and over again) which makes up a large portion of those who claim to be sexually active. Cases of syphilis are up 39% (gross) since 2006, primarily in homosexual couples, though almost 20 times more likely to be found in African American circles than any other race. It all boils down to a very simple fact; 1 in 4 sexually active Americans has or has had a STD. So get tested.

In the eternal words of the Broheim, “You just KNOW that
she’s itchy….” One imagines so, yes.

The tragic death toll in Cambodia has risen to at least 378. Citizens celebrating a local water festival stampeded over a narrow bridge spanning the Bassac River, crushing bodies underneath and pushing others off into the river below. State television cameras caught the entire repulsive scene on tape- both the living and the dead being twisted and mashed under a mass of bodies screaming and searching for escape. No one is certain what caused the panic; some claim hearing police sirens, and still others say the stampede began as people realized the size of the mass around them. Police say this is not the end count of deaths; many believe more bodies will be found in the river, and the 755 wounded are still being treated in several area hospitals.

In another installment in my ongoing series, the World Is Going to Hell Via Hand Basket, a poll released from 2006 states that 68% of Republican voters do not believe “in any aspect” the FACT of evolution. The Bohunk doe not like saying the “theory” of evolution, because its modern form has been essentially confirmed in all explorations. Yet, over two thirds of adult, somewhat educated Americans do not believe in FACT. Calling evolution “theory” is just as insulting to evolution as calling “intelligent design” science is to science; one is proven, well studied explanation of human history, and the other is the moronic (and dumb) statement of, “This all powerful being did it, duh!” which negates all the rules of science, physics and biology. And we just elected dozens of Republicans who claim to believe in “intelligent design” to Congress. (Note: They believe in intelliegent design, but not climate change)

Simple can, at times, just be plain stupid.

On this day in 1859, William H. Bonney, though much better know by the ultimate bad-ass nickname, “Billy the Kid”, was born in  a squalid Irish immigrant neighborhood in New York City. The outlaw killed 27 men in the American West, the most famous being Sheriff Bill Brady, who okayed the murder of the Kid’s boss, John Tunstall. In 1881, Sheriff Garrett, a friend of Billy’s before he was a lawman, snuck into a house near Fort Sumner, New Mexico. While Billy was asleep next to a girlfriend of his, Garrett fired a bullet into his chest and killed him. The Kid was 21 years old. And if you want to see a freakin’ awesome movie about Billy the Kid and his band of regulators, check out Young Guns. It’s got the coach from Mighty Ducks in it. (Emilio Estevez)

That’s it, thanks for reading. There may or may not be an Update tomorrow, so check in anyway. Have a great Thanksgiving, nonetheless.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Manning, the Pope/Condoms, and the End of Brett Favre…

Thank you, Green Bay Packers organization, for sending Brett Favre off into the last third of his last NFL season just a few games out of last place in the division. The Bohunk smelled upset, or at least a let down'; but the shellacking in Minnesota Sunday afternoon cemented the vault on the Vikings’ tomb* and Brett Favre’s career. He cried in a post game interview, waxed poetic over what-might-have-beens and finally admitted that the season was a bust. Mr. Favre, when you ask for all the attention and adulation, you get all the down side too. Thank you for 16 years of excellent Packers football, and may NFL fans and the Football Gods forgive these last three.

How bad was Favre against the Pack? Well, frustration, like an over boiled, possibly sexually frustrated and oft-intercepted pot of water, Favre blew his lid. Favre is a player above coaching while being very much in need of it. After tossing his league leading 17th interception, the Vikings offensive coordinator tried to have a word with the Aged Wonder; Favre had nothing to do with it. If this was any other player, Childress would have benched him a month ago.

The Flying Elvii, let by the Bieber-esque Tom Brady, beat the Indianapolis Lucky Charms by 3, nearly squandering a three score lead late in the fourth quarter. Led by the lesbian looking Bill Belicheck, the Pats are very quietly the best team in the NFL, a sentiment voiced by the Bohunk a month ago. Peyton Manning tossed some ugly interceptions, including one with under a minute to go with the Young Horses well within field goal range. A curious mistake in a game that was otherwise pressure-free for the Elder Oreo Eater.

Perhaps, Peyton, you should leave the licking to Eli and return to MVP
form. I will, of course, have a cookie, however.

In amateur football, Nebraska lost to Texas A&M (note the legitimate use of the ampersand there) to end all BCS hopes, the designs of which the Bohunk had been dissecting for the past two weeks. Now, the play their final post-Turkey Dinner game against Colorado, a personal favorite of mine for both of my decades alive on earth. With a win, they earn the right to play in the Big 12 Title game. With a loss, they shall slink into the Big 10 without hardware in their last season out west. (Editor’s Note: Watch your respective asses, Michigan State, Michigan and Ohio State)

TCU and Boise State won to remain undefeated while Oregon and Auburn were off for Saturday, preparing for games this Friday afternoon. Auburn plays #11 Alabama, which could be the last opponent with a legitimate shot at defeating Cam “I’m Getting Paid!” Newton and the Tigers. We can only hope…

On the college note, the Bohunk would like to thank an all-too-often-forgot tradition in collegiate foot ball…The baton girl. Yes, the baton girl, the quaint, smiling and heavily rouged youth who, bedecked in a dazzling, sparkling one-piece bathing suit, delights crowds of all ages (but mostly males ranging in age from puberty to creepily near the grace) with their, well, twirling. Thank you for your excellence, Baton Girls of America.

You, madam, are on fire.

The Pope is now closer than ever to condoms. The Holy Father said recently that the problem of “Aids cannot be solved only by the distribution of condoms alone,” but hinted that their use in limited contexts could be a vast improvement in countries where sexual transmitted disease is rampant (or, as any medical expert would tell you, everywhere). In Africa, where millions of sexual active individuals are HIV positive and millions are living with AIDS, the Vatican’s insistence that birth control is a form of sin has contributed greatly to the spread of the disease. In fact, the Pope’s committed and antiquated stance is followed by Catholics around the globe (they are the families with 6 kids) and is a contributing factor to the overpopulation of underdeveloped nations like those found in South America. Perhaps the Pope will finally expand the okay-ed use of contraceptives to include all couples. Sooner, rather than later, would be appreciated….

In the Bohunk’s ongoing interest in the country of Haiti, I regret to say that officials are now reporting that roughly 1,250 people have died of the now rampant cholera epidemic that has spread throughout the nation. A further 21,000 people have been stricken with the disease. Roughly 63 of the deaths have come in the capital, Port-au-Prince, which is now home to tens of thousands of refugees seeking shelter after a earthquake last January ruined much of the city. 230,000 people died in that earthquake. If you would like to make a donation, please follow this link to the Clinton Bush Haiti Relief Fund.

For a brave young chap looking for work in the newspaper field (perhaps, you might see, like the Bohunk) the following would be of some interest. Super, uber rich guy Rupert Murdoch, CEO of News Corp may just be in an unholy alliance with Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple. The two are rumored to be either created an online-only newspaper designed for iPad, or they are just showing each other their willys. The cyber newspaper would stream to any Apple 3G-enabled device for about $4.25 a day, cheaper than your print version and you don’t have to go outside to get it (you lazy SOB) in adverse conditions. In slightly related news, the iPad 2 is now expected to be released this coming April.

Thanks for reading, enjoy Denver vs. San Diego this evening on Monday Night Football.

* Vikings were traditionally burned on funeral pyres from the 3rd century on, though some evidence shows nobles or warriors were set out in warships meant to sink, the body surrounded with weapons and treasures piled high about them.