Iceman, Caffeinated Drunks, Newton and Nerds

Sorry folks, no Weekend Whorrior this Friday; I think the frigid air kept all the candidates snug in a stranger’s bed well after I left for class this morning. We can only hope some stronger, more resilient shamed women brave the elements next week…

Tomorrow is the Iceman Cometh mountain bike race, so the freshly fallen snow in Kalkaska and Traverse City is the perfect back drop for what might shake out to be one of the most hotly contested editions of the largest race in Michigan so far. US National Champ Jeremy Horgan-Kobelski (always fear a man with a hyphen) will try to repeat against the likes of Todd Wells of Specialized, Traverse City’s very own Larry Warbasse of BMC Racing and many other top professionals. The weather is expected to be freezing, and the overnight low of 26 should allow the picturesque dusting of snow to stick around well into tomorrow afternoon, when the pros take off at 4.30.

The Iceman route is 27 miles, beginning in downtown Kalkaska and finished along the trails of the VASA on the east side of Traverse City. Roughly 4,000 riders will participate, with the main wave of amateurs taking off at 9 am. It is the largest mountain bike race in the Midwest and only gets bigger each year. If you have some free time Saturday, make your way over to Timber Ridge to check out the finish. To see the pros cross the line, plan on arriving a little after 5.

In a “No shit, Sherlock” ruling the Bohunk has been watched for a few weeks now, the Michigan Liquor Commission banned energy drinks that contain alcohol, such as Four Loko. These drinks contain roughly 12% alcohol while containing roughly the same amount of caffeine as a tall Starbucks cofffee. The result; the caffeine (a stimulant) covers up the effects of the alcohol (a depressant) making college students believe they can consume more of both drug than is healthy. The effects felt in the brain do not match the effects felt in the body; drinking two of these cans, about 40oz, is the same as drinking 5 or six beers without “feeling” any effect…Until you begin to projectile vomit across the room. Also, because students think they are, “fine, man, I’m totally fine” they drive drunk. The drinks can also affect heart rate, as well as breathing and coordination, such as causing uncontrollable shaking. Illinois and Pennsylvania are also exploring a possible ban. Don’t drink this stuff; it’s just plain stupid.

Reports say that Randy Moss, suppposedly, instructed the Vikings’ owner to fire head coach Brad Childress. This might be the second “No shit, Sherlock” moment of the post today, but apparently the owner did not agree. Moss’ rant came after the loss to the Patriots (his former team) and just a few days before rumors of his release came to fruition. Now,I believe any 2-5 team’s coach, especially a team which had only one loss at this point last season, should be on the hot seat. One that completely mishandled his quarterback, offense and the Moss situation will surely be canned. Moss just said the obvious, which we all know one should never do to one's employer.

Heisman probable (it isn’t hopeful if you’ve pretty much won it) Cam Newton is now under investigation after reports surfaced that his representative, a person who works to match recruits to universities, sought some cash from schools he shopped Newton to. One figure, released from a trip to Mississippi State, put the sum at $200,000 to essentially buy Newton’s commitment to that school. The money never actually never exchanged hands, and Newton wound up at Auburn much later, but the idea that money was a factor is suspicious for Newton, Auburn, the SEC and the NCAA in general. While it is a crime that college football makes millions and the students only receive a fraction of the benefits through tuition costs, the rules are, as they say, the rules. Newton and his father have denied the allegations, and staff and administration from Auburn have given no comment. Newton transferred to Auburn after legal problems led to his dismissal from the University of Florida.

 

Welcome back to the free world, Mr. Carter. Lil’ Wayne was released from prison yesterday, an event treated in the US with the same celebration as South Africa offered for the emergence of Nelson Mandela back into society. Way to go, middle-to-upper class white high school students, you’ve successfully made Weezy feel embraced and venerated. Just wait till his record “drops'”…

Researchers crazy enough to explore this type of thing have found that a weak current of electricity flowing through the brain can help a person’s math skills improve for up to six months. The procedure produces no known side effects, though there is a chance will become so smart no one will want to talk to you, you freakin’ nerd-loser.

Who is the top team in the NFL? Cast your vote in the poll to the right, and the results will be posted next week.

Thanks for reading, enjoy the Iceman Cometh in Kalkaska and Traverse City, and be sure to bring a coat, it gets frigid up there when the wind is from the north. Have a great weekend, the Update will be back Monday.

Tea Party-ing, Eliot, Popo and Gaga…

Just tens of minutes after the Bohunk said Randy Moss would most likely be picked up by the Flaming Thumbtacks, it was so. Jeff Fischer made the decision to pick up Randy to bolster a struggling passing offense but a running game that is one of the best in the league in spite of playing against 8-or-9 men in the box pert near every darn play. TE Bo Scaife apparently “thanked Jesus” for the acquisition, reminding everyone that it’s almost Turkey Day.A little early on that one Bo…

In election results, ABC News now states that Republicans have gained control in 19 state legislatures that had been Democrat-held just a few days ago. It is one of the largest victories for either party in history, with massive implications for many years to come. For example, Texas will, in all likelihood, embrace the death penalty like never before, shooting convicted murders in the streets, just the the good ol’ days. But remember, they are also Pro-Life….They just keep it limited to certain lives….

Haiti, already reeling from an outbreak of cholera, earthquakes and tropical storms, is bracing this morning as the arrival of Tropical Storm Tomas seems imminent. Hundreds of thousands of Haitians are homeless and are living in make-shift shacks or under bits of tarp and cloth. The government says that they will try to evacuate the major refugee camp just outside the nation’s capital, though the logistics are nearly impossible and time very short. Think of these people today and do something to help.

Tried calling Lady Gaga the other day, she wouldn’t pick up her t-t-t-t-telephone….

On the 31st anniversary of the Iranian capture of the US embassy, thousands of Iranians marched in the streets of the capital shouting “Death to America” and other super-inspiring chants of hatred. Ezatollah Eragami, the main speaker at the rally and one of the Iranians who took 52 Americans hostage for 444 days, said that President Obama has been “weak” in foreign policy. First, who cares what a murderer and criminal has to say? The guy should be arrested under international law and detained for 444 days while being forced to listened to Katy Perry on repeat. Second, calling a President who has worked to lower the chance of US military involvement in Iran “weak” is ignorant. The opposite would be to call Obama “strong” for invading Iran and having a long, bloody occupation. We, as Americans, have to realize at times that there is no right way for everyone. Let them be; they are going to piss off all the world when they make a bomb and then they will be taken care of.

On this day in 1948, American poet T.S. Eliot, most famous for The Waste Land, won the Nobel Prize for literature. Part of his contribution to modern poetry was his heavily symbolic and critical view of modern life, the effect of industrialized society on the individual and the existence of what Hemingway would call, “The Lost Generation”, who were the disenfranchised youth who survived the first World War. Eliot’s  close associate and lifelong friendship with Ezra Pound, who is a major source of Eliot’s drafts and musings, was one of the most intriguing as the two bounced ideas and works back and forth for nearly twenty years. Eliot’s first published work, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, is one of his finest and, if this lends any weight, a personal favorite of the Bohunk. Eliot also wrote a number of plays and was highly praised as a literary critic. Eliot died in 1965.

In the Trial of Lance Armstrong, Lance’s longtime teammate and friend Yaroslav Popovych testified in the US for roughly 90 minutes in front of a Federal grand jury. Popo denied ever witnessing or hearing of any doping by Lance or any of his teammates or coaches. Popo did not ride on the USPS team which is under investigation, but did ride with Lance and team director Johan Bruyneel’s teams since 2005. The Ukrainian was served a subpoena while in the US for a charity ride in Texas.  Popo, who speaks limited English, did not understand what was happening until a rider near him who overheard the proceedings told him to stop talking and call his lawyer. Classy, whatever US marshal gave this subpoena. Expect other international figures who may be involved to stay clear of the US until the probe is finished.

Well, don’t worry folks, NBC’s Thursday night line-up begins at 7 tonight with Community. Just a few more hours to get through till then. Thanks for reading, email this to a friend or two….

Election Results Part II, Who Wants Randy, and Warming Gases….

Who wants Randy Moss? A handful of teams may, kinda, maybe, sorta, wouldn’t-really-mind having the future Hall of Famer on board for the rest of the season. After being (stupidly) waived by Brad Childress in a power-statement and hissy-fit, Moss now walked the lonely road of the waiver wire. Each team, in inverse order of goodness (crappy teams first) get a shot to claim Randy off of waivers. So far, the Titans at slot 22 have put their names in the hat. If the 21 teams ahead of them don’t want Moss, the Flaming Thumbtacks will inherit the speed, talent, mouth and inflated ego that was traded from New England to Minnesota only to be cut after 3 games. Other potential takers are New Orleans, St. Louis and San Diego, with the Bolts having the 10th and best spot to pick him up.

Too bad the return to Minnesota didn’t
bring back the hair-do….

Climate change is a huge problem. Believe Al Gore (and every credible scientist in the world) on that one, but physicists recently announced that the entire universe is subject to warming. Way, way, way back when the universe was a tenth to a quarter of its present age, which, I understand to be quite aged, the gases that exist between galaxies steadily increased in temperature. Scientists claim that quasars, which are massive black holes that occupy the very centers of certain galaxies, were responsible for this phenomena which saw a cooling some millennia after the process began. What does this mean? We know less than we think, in fact, we know very little. The universe is a great mystery, my friends.

The baseball season has been over for two days and the Yankees are already pursuing the player who had a big hand in getting them bounced from the playoffs. Yankees brass announced they will begin their courtship of Rangers’ pitcher Cliff Lee. Cliff was 2-0 against the Yankees as a Phil in 2009 and beat them again as a Ranger this past postseason. The Evil Empire cannot officially begin talks with Lee until Sunday, but the groundwork is firmly in place to make a huge signing. It’s been an entire season now since the Yanks bought a championship, it was just a matter of time before the tried again. It’s their Death Star; they just keep rebuilding if anyone blows it up.

In developing election results, Colorado Democrat and incumbent Senator Brown (that’s Senator Brown, not Mister Brown, thank you)  has claimed victory over Republican and Tea Bagger (It’s okay to call them that, they put it on their own signs) Ken Buck. It’s great news for Senate Dems who will be slightly less numerous the next time they meet.

With all but a handful of the elections coming to a close last evening, the Bohunk was excited to settle into some cozy economic issues, like the Federal Reserve’s announcement to buy $600 billion in bonds. While the candidates who won election claim to be able to fix the economy, the Fed is actually doing something. They are going to print an extra few hundred billion dollars (sounds even more impressive when you say it that way, huh?) in an effort to lower long term interest rates. The maneuver, dubbed “quantitative easing” by the greasy architects of the scheme, was driven primarily by the sluggish economy, really high unemployment and ultra-low inflation.

 

Thanks for reading the second post of the day (if you did, in fact, read it, you sneaky bastards) and enjoy “Modern Family” on ABC tonight at 9.

The Day After Election Day: Results Recap, Political Extravaaagaaannzaaa, Part I

Yesterday, the country spoke. At least, those of us who had time to vote did. (The Bohunk believes that any and all election days should be national holidays, so that everyone can get to the polls, regardless of the hours they work) Republicans retook the House of Representatives as expected and the Democrats held onto the Senate, which was very much in doubt as polls opened and some early Republican candidates won in Eastern states. As results came in from California and other Western states, Democrats opened one eye, lessened the pronounced grimace on their collective faces, and began to breathe again. Following are some key races, some of which have been covered by the Bohunk in weeks past:

Chris Coons (D) defeated reported “witch” Christine O’Donnell (R) in Delaware. O’Donnell was, perhaps, the most noted Tea Party candidate to emerge in this election cycle, but a poorly mishandled campaign ad, which denied witchcraft and which insisted “I’m you”, may have cost her votes even in her party. (count how many times I used ‘which’ or ‘witch right there)

In Kentucky, Rand Paul (R) beat Jack Conway (D) in hotly contested election for the Senate seat. The campaign ads for both sides were some of the dirtiest in the country, so bad that Rand had stated before Election Day that he would refuse to shake Conway’s hand in the event he lost. Not a problem; Rand won convincingly considering the the state’s long history of very closely contested races in both Senate, House and Governator elections. (All elections for the post of Governor should be changed to Governator, henceforth)

Out there in Nevada, Harry Reid (D) pulled out with a win over Tea Party-backed Republican Sherry Angle to retain his seat in the Senate. This was a big one, so much so that President Obama himself campaigned in weeks past to help Reid keep his spot.

Barbara “I Legislate Like A” Boxer won her seat in California, making sure that order and balance remained in the universe. Many had predicted that her close association with Pelosi would seriously hinder her campaign; enough Pelosii cannot be stopped.

The House of Republicans, which it can now safely be referred to as, will see many more expensive, foreign cars in the parking lot. Six states switched from blue to red (North Dakota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Pennsylvania) with Republicans now holding 239 seats to the Dems 185. This means the following conversation will take place for the next two years…

House: Hey, we’ve got a bill.

Senate: Shove it up your ass, House of Republicans.

Obama: I’d veto that crap anyway.

So, we’ve essentially frozen all legislation until the 2012 Presidential election. There is some hope that the very one-sided House will present the very one-sided Senate with more moderate, satisfactory proposals on certain issues which would be very beneficial in producing some bipartisan effort. However, issues of High Importance, namely health care, tax reform, or morality judgments, will have almost no chance of major change until the next election.

In the Governator race in Michigan, “The Nerd” Rick Snyder won handedly over Virg “Worst First Name Ever” Bernero. Snyder was quick to point out that, “<He> da man.” He then turned to each reporter in the room with the same query, “Who da man?” and would not stop pestering until they answered the question by indicating that he was, in fact, “Da man.” Slick Rick (may it be shown the Bohunk first called him that) is going to lower taxes and (magically, mind you, because this is literally impossible while lowering taxes) balance the state budget. He will also create jobs. How? He doesn’t really say, but, trust him, he’ll do it. The very sour taste left by Granholm put Bernero in the hole from the beginning of the campaign. No doubt the frustration of undecided voters around the US was subsequently attributed to Democrats at all levels the rocky start and slow progress of President Obama himself.

The California Governator race (simply not as fun without Arnold, is it?) pitted swashbuckling and issue dodging Democrat Jerry Brown against former eBay CEO Meg Whitman. Brown was a college trustee, mayor and former governor; Whitman was friggin’ loaded. Seriously. She spent over $140 million (MILLION) of her own funds…and lost. Her stance on illegal immigrants cost her the Latino (and African-American) vote but the real kicker was the skeleton in her closet. Or, to be more specific, the illegal immigrant who, for over ten years, cleaned the skeletons in her closet. Nicky Santillan, the former housekeeper and very illegal migrant worker, claimed that Whitman had tried to erase her, saying “You don’t know me, and I don’t know you.” Whitman also claimed not to know Santillan was not a documented, legal citizen of ‘Merica. This is the Republicans favorite application of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, because then you get to keep servants around.  Classy, Meg. Way to connect to the very people whose vote you needed in order to win.

A final note on Cali: Proposal 19, the bill to legalize marijuana in the state, was voted down 54% to 46%. The first state to take this measure to the ballot shows that Wacky Tobacky is not yet mainstream enough to be legalized, though, as reported in an Update earlier this week, alcohol is more damaging to the body, families and society. While the Bohunk does not approve of any drug use, the idea that the WORST drug is legal while others are not seems a bit stupid. In the words of so many disappointed stoners across the Golden State, “Come on, man. It comes from the the ground”.

Also intriguing, a quick look at Pew exit polls shows us who really voted Republican this year. The poll shows that voters who backed the GOP were:

90% white
60% were over the age of 50
67% described themselves as “conservative”
30% described themselves as moderate
57% claimed to attend church weekly

So if you are surprised at the number of rich, old, white, right-wing Christians in the House next week, this will at least make sense.

Some quick facts:

-The Republican victories in the South made history. No African'-Americans will serve in the Senate for the next two years.

-Over ten states will shift from Democratic governators to Republican flavors.

-Sixty-two percent of voters made their choice with the economy being the deciding factor.

Reminder: The Update will post a brand-new, follow-up edition of itself this evening after several undecided races finish. Also, I have to write a few papers. Be sure to check your Facebook or Twitter for the new edition, Part Deux, this evening, or whenever it is finished.

Thanks for reading Part One, read again tonight, perhaps as you watch The Daily Show. But pay attention; read during the commercials.

Election Day, Lucky Charms and Moss…

Well, the San Francisco Large People won the World Series, defeating the Rangers 4 games to 1. Even the players were excited to be finished, did you see how quickly the Rangers hit the locker room? The team with the best pitcher and the best team won, and since that was not the Yankees this season, I am very happy. Mark it down; the Cubs will make the playoffs next year…if Selig expands the number of teams who make it, as he has said he will. And if he includes teams that were eliminated from the playoffs in June. Then, the Cubs will make the playoffs.

On Monday Night Football, the Indianapolis Lucky Charms casually beat up the Texans. Two things could have told us this before kick off; one, the Colts don’t lose to the Texans twice in one season, and two, they definitely don’t lose to the Texans after coming off a bye week. Even with the third stringers starting, Peyton Manning has the ability to to will his team to victory, similar to his power to make you like him while he is selling you Oreos, TVs, NFL Sunday Ticket and everything else he hawks on the side. These Lucky Charms are looking good, and the Bohunk thinks they are the best AFC team not in the East division, home to the Patriots and Jets…

It’s election day across the country, and millions of voters will spill out to their local polling station to decide the direction of this country for the next handful of years. Personally, I am hoping the Dems hold onto just enough seats in Congress to at least propose and adequately argue bills. Nothing will come of a Senate or House in which only bickering is heard and no real discussion. That is the true waste of our tax money. That, and the largest defense budget in the history of the world. Obama has to be looking out of a window somewhere wondering what in the $@&(@ he is going to do with no support in either house of Congress but all the blame already on his doorstep.

In Michigan, Rick Snyder will end his campaign trip in Ann Arbor as the governor hopeful settles in to await results this evening. Pollsters have “The Nerd” well ahead of Democrat Virg Bernero, who seems content with now driving out Dem voters in a push to prove the dismal predictions wrong. Either candidate will be encumbered with a terrible economy, a shrinking budget and little to no prospects for new jobs. While Granholm must be accountable for some of these failures, to blame her for all of it is just ignorant. Michigan has always had an unemployment rate which hovered close to twice the national average. Under Granholm, this didn’t change; nor had it been any different in eight years under Republican Engler before she took office. Michigan needs a drastic change in direction, attitude and identity. We can keep the auto industry, we just need a very tangible “Something Else” around which to build our future. I propose a green economy, but, that’s just one of many options. So, with that in mind, go vote…

In fact, a record 16 million early ballot voters have already been cast, a good indication of this year’s potentially massive turn-out.

The Minnesota Hyperboreans waived Randy Moss just four weeks after acquiring him from the New England Flying Elvii for a third round pick. If he is not claimed off waivers, the Vikes will be asked (forced) to pick up Moss’ salary for the remainder of the year. They traded a 3rd round pick for, essentially, the 13 catches and 2 touchdowns Randy caught in 3 losses….I’m no GM but that seems wasteful. If it wasn’t for the Cowboys, Minnesota would be ridiculed as the biggest failure in sports this year, and they probably should be named so.

On this day in 1960, a trial of obscenity over the great novel Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence (one of my favorite novels and authors, as well) ended. The ruling came that Penguin Books, the publisher of the novel since its release in 1928, was acquitted of obscenity charges and the book was allowed to stay in circulation in its full version. The novel’s first release in 1928 was an expurgated text and remained so until Penguin released the full version, the one intended for print by Lawrence, in 1958. Lawrence had many amazing novels, including the critically noted Women In Love which was released in 1921. Lawrence died of tuberculosis in 1930. Find more Lawrence books here.

Like Charles Osgood on Sunday Morning, I’ll leave you this morning with a look at some colors…

Thanks for reading, enjoy anything but Glee on Fox tonight, I just don’t see the appeal…Better tomorrow, as always…

Top 5 Scary Movies, Halloween, Fear vs. Sanity and Heroin....

Happy Halloween, and many, many condolences to the girls wondering what the hell happened and who that guy was....

It was a massive weekend for both professional and amateur football players alike. Nebraska beat heretofore undefeated Missouri to vault back up to 7th in the BCS, with two of the six teams ahead of them guranteed to lose (Aubun plays Alabama and TCU plays Utah) giving them control of their destiny. Oregon, My Oregon, smoked USC and kindly siddled past Auburn to take over the top spot in both the (superior) human polls and the robotic one. Michigan State crumpled like a drunken French Maid at a Halloween party (festive, no?) to Iowa...The Bohunk predicts the typical State towel-throwing-after-a-loss behavior in weeks to come.

In the professional ranks, the Detroit Lions won their second game of the season against the (politically incorrectly) named Washingon Native Americans. The Dallas Cowboys, a popular Super Bowl pick by many pundits, lost to Jacksonville, leaving them a win behind Detroit and only one ahead of the victory-less Bills. Take that, every television pundit in America. Further proof that all predictions are equal and meaningless, and even more support that all the games should be played, even the supposedly lopsided ones.

Brett Favre started to preserve his streak alive, but was knocked out in the fourth with a blow to the chin in a loss against the much better Patriots. He then spent 20 minutes (and ESPN covered nearly all of it) spouting how tough the hit was and how other players would be out for a long time if they were him. He praised himself for his toughness, his physique, boyish goodlooks....Fav-ree is the most self-adulating player in the sport. However, he forgets to mention his team is 2-5 (tied with Detroit, I will add) and he has thrown more interceptions than TDs and has looked just plain ugly most of the season. And Jenn Sterger is reportedly meeting with the NFL on sexual harrassment allegations...Could be a tough week for the "Ol' Gunslinger", and his "Lil' Gunslinger" too.

In cycling news, the very Australian Michael Rogers signed with Team Sky, joining Brad Wiggins and a host of others for the 2011 season. Rogers is a world class time trialer and stage racer, and with this type of commited support in July could be a real threat overall. His time at HTC-Columbia was spent working for Mark Cavendish on the flat stages when he should have been resting like the other contenders. At Sky, he will have that luxury....
At the Haunted Halloween Challenge, the Flying Bohunk snagged fourth in the Group B race, losing contact with the lead group after a dropped chain. I think I would have been in the mix for the win without the mishap. The rest of the race was spent alone, just a man and his thoughts, powering in a laughably strong wind and climbing some rough,steep grassy knolls. Not a bad ride at all...

Reports from Baghdad state that 58 people were killed in a standoff between Iraqi security forces and armed gunmen holed up with hostages in a Catholic church. Authorities say the group appears to be connected to Al-Quaeda, as eight suspects were arrested. The casualties came as security forces stormed the church this morning when the gunmen detonated explosive vests just as the raid began. Two more gunmen were killed during the ensuing firefight. Roughly 120 people were in the church at the time of the gunmen's attack, indicating roughly half survived. Please take a moment today to think of these people and what you can do to stop the hate in this world....

According to former UK chief drug advisor Dr. Nutt, alcohol is the most dangerous drug in society. Its ready availability, abuse by all ages, damage to bodily organs, and its proven likelihood to introduce users to other drugs make it worse than crack, heroin, ecstasy and LSD. Keep that in mind this weekend....

The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear, hosted by Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, attracted roughly 150,000 to 200,000 people to the National Mall Saturay. The event was a political rally "without polticians" meant to bring moderate and less divisive aspects of discourse back to the media and political environment. Not a bad turn out, and possibly a huge bump in voter turn-out tomorrow. And, I hear it was fairly humorous as well. Kudos, chaps.

As a final Halloween inclusion, I present the Top 5 Scariest Movies in the History of Mankind!

5) Alien
4) The Ring
3) Rec
2) Ju-On
1) The Thing

For the entire Top 50, go to boston.com

Thanks for reading, enjoy Monday Night Football this evening, and make sure to vote tomorrow, it's very important. (Except for Republicans,you guys, don't worry about it, you've got this one in the bag)