Thursday, February 3, 2011

Predicting the Super Bowl: Criminal Records

Which team should you be cheering for? The Bohunk is a Lions fan; stop laughing. So if they aren’t in the Super Bowl (again, stop laughing) I have  very disinterested take on the Big One. This year, my Extremely Significant Other’s allegiance to the Packers is giving me some serious sway. She has watched nearly every Pack game in 2010, so I am rather familiar with their squad and touchdown dance celebrations. But if you have no motive to root for one team or the other, might I recommend cheering for the one with the least amount of fines or criminal lawsuits pending. This is the very reason the Bohunk dislikes the Jets, to note.

The Steelers have, to their credit and discredit, James Harrison. Harrison was fined a total of $100,000 in 2010. Quarterback “Big Rapist” Ben Roethlisberger has two sexual assault cases in two years, and was suspended for the first six games of the season, though it was later reduced to four. Both of these occurred after Roethlisberger crashed a motorcycle, while not wearing a helmet, with an expired temporary license. Santonio Holmes, two years ago, was busted in the middle of the Super Bowl winning season for the Steelers, smoking marijuana and getting caught, then suspended. That was a part of his departure from the team later on. James Harrison also was charged for simple assault and criminal mischief after beating his girlfriend. Classy guy, that Harrison…


The Packers counter with some criminal records of their own. Brandon Underwood is still technically under investigation for sexual assault last June, though a Super Bowl win would get that brushed aside, authorities assured him last week (not really). Linebacker Nick Barnett is still facing disorderly conduct charges from last year, and worked a deal with prosecutors to reduce the charges.

“Yippeee, the charges are still pending, I can play ALL YEAR!”
~Brandon Underwood, here literally jumping for joy.

So, in Input Factor #3, the Packers are the shining knights of mediocre civil behavior, while the Steelers should probably be arrested on the spot. Verdict: Packers get the points and go up 21-7. But tomorrow, they face a difficult proposition: Night Life. You can’t have a Super Bowl caliber squad without championship level night clubs…Why do you think the Steelers have won so many Super Bowls recently? It’s the discount at local strip clubs that draws free agents. Come back tomorrow for the blow by blow….

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