Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Day After Election Day: Results Recap, Political Extravaaagaaannzaaa, Part I

Yesterday, the country spoke. At least, those of us who had time to vote did. (The Bohunk believes that any and all election days should be national holidays, so that everyone can get to the polls, regardless of the hours they work) Republicans retook the House of Representatives as expected and the Democrats held onto the Senate, which was very much in doubt as polls opened and some early Republican candidates won in Eastern states. As results came in from California and other Western states, Democrats opened one eye, lessened the pronounced grimace on their collective faces, and began to breathe again. Following are some key races, some of which have been covered by the Bohunk in weeks past:

Chris Coons (D) defeated reported “witch” Christine O’Donnell (R) in Delaware. O’Donnell was, perhaps, the most noted Tea Party candidate to emerge in this election cycle, but a poorly mishandled campaign ad, which denied witchcraft and which insisted “I’m you”, may have cost her votes even in her party. (count how many times I used ‘which’ or ‘witch right there)

In Kentucky, Rand Paul (R) beat Jack Conway (D) in hotly contested election for the Senate seat. The campaign ads for both sides were some of the dirtiest in the country, so bad that Rand had stated before Election Day that he would refuse to shake Conway’s hand in the event he lost. Not a problem; Rand won convincingly considering the the state’s long history of very closely contested races in both Senate, House and Governator elections. (All elections for the post of Governor should be changed to Governator, henceforth)

Out there in Nevada, Harry Reid (D) pulled out with a win over Tea Party-backed Republican Sherry Angle to retain his seat in the Senate. This was a big one, so much so that President Obama himself campaigned in weeks past to help Reid keep his spot.

Barbara “I Legislate Like A” Boxer won her seat in California, making sure that order and balance remained in the universe. Many had predicted that her close association with Pelosi would seriously hinder her campaign; enough Pelosii cannot be stopped.

The House of Republicans, which it can now safely be referred to as, will see many more expensive, foreign cars in the parking lot. Six states switched from blue to red (North Dakota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Pennsylvania) with Republicans now holding 239 seats to the Dems 185. This means the following conversation will take place for the next two years…

House: Hey, we’ve got a bill.

Senate: Shove it up your ass, House of Republicans.

Obama: I’d veto that crap anyway.

So, we’ve essentially frozen all legislation until the 2012 Presidential election. There is some hope that the very one-sided House will present the very one-sided Senate with more moderate, satisfactory proposals on certain issues which would be very beneficial in producing some bipartisan effort. However, issues of High Importance, namely health care, tax reform, or morality judgments, will have almost no chance of major change until the next election.

In the Governator race in Michigan, “The Nerd” Rick Snyder won handedly over Virg “Worst First Name Ever” Bernero. Snyder was quick to point out that, “<He> da man.” He then turned to each reporter in the room with the same query, “Who da man?” and would not stop pestering until they answered the question by indicating that he was, in fact, “Da man.” Slick Rick (may it be shown the Bohunk first called him that) is going to lower taxes and (magically, mind you, because this is literally impossible while lowering taxes) balance the state budget. He will also create jobs. How? He doesn’t really say, but, trust him, he’ll do it. The very sour taste left by Granholm put Bernero in the hole from the beginning of the campaign. No doubt the frustration of undecided voters around the US was subsequently attributed to Democrats at all levels the rocky start and slow progress of President Obama himself.

The California Governator race (simply not as fun without Arnold, is it?) pitted swashbuckling and issue dodging Democrat Jerry Brown against former eBay CEO Meg Whitman. Brown was a college trustee, mayor and former governor; Whitman was friggin’ loaded. Seriously. She spent over $140 million (MILLION) of her own funds…and lost. Her stance on illegal immigrants cost her the Latino (and African-American) vote but the real kicker was the skeleton in her closet. Or, to be more specific, the illegal immigrant who, for over ten years, cleaned the skeletons in her closet. Nicky Santillan, the former housekeeper and very illegal migrant worker, claimed that Whitman had tried to erase her, saying “You don’t know me, and I don’t know you.” Whitman also claimed not to know Santillan was not a documented, legal citizen of ‘Merica. This is the Republicans favorite application of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, because then you get to keep servants around.  Classy, Meg. Way to connect to the very people whose vote you needed in order to win.

A final note on Cali: Proposal 19, the bill to legalize marijuana in the state, was voted down 54% to 46%. The first state to take this measure to the ballot shows that Wacky Tobacky is not yet mainstream enough to be legalized, though, as reported in an Update earlier this week, alcohol is more damaging to the body, families and society. While the Bohunk does not approve of any drug use, the idea that the WORST drug is legal while others are not seems a bit stupid. In the words of so many disappointed stoners across the Golden State, “Come on, man. It comes from the the ground”.

Also intriguing, a quick look at Pew exit polls shows us who really voted Republican this year. The poll shows that voters who backed the GOP were:

90% white
60% were over the age of 50
67% described themselves as “conservative”
30% described themselves as moderate
57% claimed to attend church weekly

So if you are surprised at the number of rich, old, white, right-wing Christians in the House next week, this will at least make sense.

Some quick facts:

-The Republican victories in the South made history. No African'-Americans will serve in the Senate for the next two years.

-Over ten states will shift from Democratic governators to Republican flavors.

-Sixty-two percent of voters made their choice with the economy being the deciding factor.

Reminder: The Update will post a brand-new, follow-up edition of itself this evening after several undecided races finish. Also, I have to write a few papers. Be sure to check your Facebook or Twitter for the new edition, Part Deux, this evening, or whenever it is finished.

Thanks for reading Part One, read again tonight, perhaps as you watch The Daily Show. But pay attention; read during the commercials.

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