Monday, January 10, 2011

Rep. Giffords, the Pope’s Pockets, and the Martyrs Lose…

It’s Monday, and for some, the return to higher education, including Yours Truly. Stave off that knowledge that costs you thousands and indulge in some information that cost you nothing…For now.

First, the Bohunk must belatedly cover the tragic shooting in Tuscon. On Saturday, a 22 year old college dropout named Jared Lee Loughner opened fire that wounded 20 people, six of whom would succumb to their injuries at a nearby hospital. The target of the attack was Representative Gabrielle Giffords, a Democratic Congresswomen. Coverage of the shooting was almost instantaneous, with local media already filming when the man walked up and began firing at Rep. Giffords, hitting her in the head and back and point-blank range. Initially reports stated that the bullet went through Giffords’ skull and exited at a high point on her face. Six other victims died later from injuries received while Loughner sprayed bullets wildly. One victim was a nine-year-old boy. Evidence from a search of Loughner’s home included a letter that pointed to an long-planned attack, with Loughner purchasing a semi-automatic Glock on November 30th. Documents found at the site include a letter from the Representative thanking Loughner for his attendance at a 2007 event that Giffords at attended. Loughner also killed US District Judge John M. Roll and Congressional Aide Gabriel Zimmerman. The Bohunk believes in justice, but in the case of Loughner, he may not deserve it. More on this as things unfold….

You have to be Sudanese to vote, but feel free to have a sugar cookie for showing up.

In historic news for Democracy (which is 2-0 after defeating Monarchist and Communists in the 20th century) as Southern Sudanese vote on a measure that would allow for a massive geographic of the country to survive as an independent nation. Thousands of people flooded polling stations before they had even opening, with sights of joy and ‘national’ pride making the mood light and jolly, things the West rarely sees on the beleaguered African continent. Three quarters of the voters cannot read; the choices, secession or unity, were represented by a single and or two hand clasped together, respectively. After decades of civil war, starvation, oppression and pointed displacement, the African south of Sudan sees separation as an escape of Biblical proportions. The Sudanese government, thoroughly Arab and terribly racist, has burned down villages, killed civilians without consequence and even kidnapped thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of African Sudanese and sold them into slavery in the northern portion of the country. Sudan gained its independence in 1956, but the urge to secede from the north already had roots in the south. If the measure passes, South Sudan will be one of the poorest nations in the world. However, the difficult parts of the split, including dividing revenues from the nation’s oil fields and negotiating the ownership of disputed territories could take months or years. If it means an end to generational genocide and civil war, then all the work is obviously worth it. (Don’t worry, George Clooney and Jimmy Carter are both in the country to help monitor; there’s no way that pair fails)

Pssst…The Seattle Seahawks beat the Saints. Holy crap, you say? Yes, quite; the Martyrs did nothing that resembles their squad that won the Large Dish last season. They ran inconsistently, passed short and dinky-like, and they couldn’t hit the onside kick. The Bohunk admits, I picked the Saints to win, but after seeing them come up short on 4th and 1 relatively early in the first half, doubt crept in like a sinful nun. Pete “Cheerleader” Carroll , who high tailed it out of USC just in time to avoid sanctions and the Reggie Bush scandal (they hugged after the game) led the aged Matt “Laying on My” Hasselback back to the future, looking like the Super Bowl squad that got beat by the Steelers fifteen years ago (seems like a long time, anyway). In the AFC, Peyton Manning drove 80 yards in under 2 minutes to allow Adam Vinateri to kick the game-winner. Unfortunately, Peyton started the drive with almost 3 and a half minutes, giving Mark “Fratboy” Sanchez a minute to counter. Antonio Cromartie, struggling against Pierre Garcon all day, redeemed himself by returning the kick-off to midfield with just under 60 seconds to go. The Colts kicked it deep with under a minute of game clock left….Kick it on the ground! Squib! Squib! And I don’t mean a non-magical member of the wizard community, a la Harry Potter. Knock it twenty yards on a nice slow roll to a fat tackle or linebacker who will be literally defecating in his pantaloons at the prospect of fielding the pigskin. As the ball sailed high, the Bohunk declared to the room, “I’d have squibbed it; I’m a squibber.” Cromartie made the fifty, and Sanchez dinked and dunked into field goal range. Enjoy the cold, ugly winter in America’s Asshole, Indiana. (Sorry Indianians, or whatever you’re called. Hoosiers, maybe?)

Look, Ma, one hand! One game! And we’re out!

And on the second day, the Football Gods gave us the Chefs and the Nevermores. Baltimore’s Flacco, a 1/4 back, played well but unspectacularly (remember Trent Dilfer? No? Same plan; just don’t let the quarterback lose it) to guide the BlackBirds past the Chefs. The Chief’s running back, Lamont Charles, who averaged over six yards per carry  all season, ran for 87 yards in the first half on just seven carries. It was not enough, and the Chefs are out. The Packers beat the Eagles, and are hoping to be the first six seed to win the Super Bowl from the NFC, ever. Sports Illustrated called it, and the Bohunk has them beating the Falcons next week, and then beating Da Bears to get tickets to Dallas. In the AFC, you should know exactly who the Bohunk has winning if you read occasionally. The Best Team In The NFL (that’s the Patriots, wise-ass) will represent the AFC, after schellacking the Jets and then, I predict, the Steelers. Write that down. I’m willing to put tens of dollars on it….

Party like a Rock (that the Church is built on), Party like a Rock, Party like a Rock Star…

In Pope news, Benedict XVI says atheists are the cause for global warming and the generally crappy outlook for the environment. The Pontiff said that,

“If the human creature's relationship with the Creator weakens, matter is reduced to egoistic possession, man becomes the ‘final authority,’ and the objective of existence is reduced to a feverish race to possess the most possible.”

So, if man doesn’t believe in God, politicians and corporations are going to capitalize on the material resources of the earth for economic gain and run amok. Thank God that hasn’t happened yet, my goodness! The Bohunk would like to thank the Vatican for collecting as much money as they can, so businesses and godless corporations like Chase, General Motors, General Electric, and TWA get it all. Oh, what’s that Your Holiest? You own millions of shares in those US companies? And the dioceses of the US alone are worth over $500 million? You are way ahead in this wealth/resource gathering than I thought! The Top Banana in the Tree Upstairs must have tipped you off.

Thanks for reading, more hard-hitting news and heretical statements tomorrow! Enjoy Monda~ Oh crap, there’s no football on….(Just kidding, Go Ducks!)

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