It’s Thursday, and of course, the very last day of exams at the Grandest Valley State Funded University in Allendale, MI. As of this afternoon, roughly 4pm, the Bohunk will be neck-deep in Linguistic mire and strife, but, dear readers, fear not; the Bohunk has lightly studied. Now, to the column…
The Bohunk is a sensible man, but with an insatiable thirst for the unexplainable (because I very much would like to see it explained). On this note, the Bohunk presents the following event in history. Flashback to Fatima, Portugal, 1917; just a few months ago, three shepherd boys claim to have met the Virgin Mary, Our Lady of Fatima (a local saint) and Jesus, on separate occasions. First off, these guys must be pretty cool to attract all of this Holy Attention. The Virgin Mary vowed to make herself known to the people of Fatima, and said that on 13 October she would make any doubt of her existence impossible. A crowd of 30,000 to 100,000 (pure estimates by the locals) showed up in the fields outside of town. The sun was pale and thin looking that day, they claim, and suddenly, it came racing toward earth, zigging and “dancing” toward the believers. The wet clothes of the crowd (it had rained all morning) dried in a matter of seconds, the wet and muddy ground became almost powder by its dryness.
"The sun's disc did not remain immobile. This was not the sparkling of a heavenly body, for it spun round on itself in a mad whirl, when suddenly a clamor was heard from all the people. The sun, whirling, seemed to loosen itself from the firmament and advance threateningly upon the earth as if to crush us with its huge fiery weight. The sensation during those moments was terrible." — Dr. Almeida Garrett, Professor of Natural Sciences at Coimbra University
Scientists at the time and even now maintain that the phenomena was a by-product of the children urging the believers to stare into the sun for hours, causing a proven ‘sun-madness’ that can be measured and predicted by modern science. However, eye witnesses up to eleven miles away claim to have seen the event and described it almost exactly the same as those gathered in the field. An act of some divinity? A hoax? A sign of the Virgin Herself? The Bohunk is, as always, skeptical…But what do you think?
The House of Representatives has passed a repeal of the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy that prohibits gays from openly serving in the military. The measure passed by a vote of 250 to 175, essentially following partisan lines. The measure will return to the Senate where Republicans have vowed to filibuster the vote until the Senate breaks for the holidays. Staying to this “Avoid the will of the Representatives of the People Until We Can Claim to Be The Majority of the People” is the Republicans last ditch attempt to avoid the responsibility of listening to the American People, and the will of the Armed Forces. As reported in an earlier Update, 70% of the military personnel polled said they did not think having openly gay soldiers, sailors and marines would in any way negatively affect their work environment. The most outspoken politician against repealing the bill is Sen. John “Lost And Is Now Pissy” McCain, who even went as far as to ignore the recent polls that showed military support. He then proposed asking the troops what they thought, forgetting that the poll had just been taken and released. Senility aside, it is time to pass the repeal….The Bohunk is tired of rewriting this piece every other week for the past 17 years or so…Kinda…
The Obama (Yo Mama) Administration has officially filed a lawsuit against BP and four other companies for its violation of the Clean Water Act. As you may recall, BP’s rig in the Gulf of Mexico exploded, dumping roughly 4.9 million barrels, and the US government is seeking anywhere from $1,300 to $4,300 per barrel from BP and the other companies. The Justice Department stated that the government is suing for this amount of money solely for the clean-up effort, because the damages of the spill, to environment, business, exportation, and tourism, will not be fully known for years to come.
Obama hopes the lawsuit against BP will be a slam dunk. Obama is pictured
here in high school, seated, front, middle, center…(If you couldn’t pick him out)
On a short follow-up from a previous piece, the Bohunk is happy to report that Aretha Franklin, the Queen of Soul, is back in her Detroit home after recovering from an invasive surgery to fight her growing pancreatic cancer. Doctors quickly dubbed the procedure as “highly successful” and are optimistic that Franklin will outlast the typically dismal survival rate for pancreatic cancer patients. Franklin is at home with friends and family, and even hopes to see the great Sam Cooke perform over the holidays. She will also attend a showing of “Dream Girls” at the Fox Theatre in one of its last showings before the historic building closes.
The Happy Meal offered by McDonald’s is again drawing criticism. The plaintiffs in a lawsuit against the Golden Arches claim that the fast food giant offers only fatty choices and specifically targets children by offering them toys, causing them to make poor dietary choices. From afar, I can hear Wes say, “No shit, sir.” A company that uses a clown and cartoon characters is quite obviously attracting children, just like any pedophile would (bringing us again to the timeless question, who used clowns first, the pedophile or the fast food giant?) in order to entice unsuspecting kids. It is the parents of these children, however, who open their wallets and shove greasy food down the throats of kids (avoiding the pedophile imagery now) that should be blamed, not the third graders. Fast food targeting children, in a health capacity, little different than tobacco companies using cartoons to achieve the same result.
Ronald likes them young and curious…and greasy….
Yesterday, the Bohunk noted that TIME named Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg Person of the Year. It has recently come to light, however, that in the true tally, Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, won the most votes, but TIME decided to select Zuckerberg to avoid controversy. And in this view, TIME obviously avoids a lot of criticism, especially from the US government and international diplomats who were ‘outed’, if you will, by the leaked cables over the past month. However, any respect and professionalism must be swept away by this move. It is the journalistic duty of organizations like TIME to create controversy, reward news-worthy efforts and freedom of information. To back down in the face of any pressure in naming what is simply an award is cowardly and embarrassing to the publication.
Come on back tomorrow for the naming of an even more prestigious award, the Flying Bohunk Politician of the Year, in addition to Foxy Fridays and my last Update written in the frozen hellscape of Allendale for three glorious weeks. There is still time to nominate the politcian you think was the most influential, for good or evil, this past year.
Again, apologies for the late post…The Bohunk needs a new computer for the holidays…That is an unabashed hint, Santa…
Thanks for reading, enjoy Thursday Night TV on NBC, starting with Community at 8. Come on back real soon, tomorrow, if possible….
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