Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving, iThings and Red Kettles…

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and may you celebrate what you have by waking uncomfortably early, braving the weather and swirling snow and spending more than you have to purchase more things to be thankful for. The Bohunk has always thought the presence of Black Friday so insultingly close was a most insensitive juxtaposition of American values: Be thankful, then consume.

But more importantly, Turkey Day is the annual occurrence of the Detroit Lions playing on national television. Many Talking Heads have proposed that the honor of playing on Thanksgiving be taken away from Detroit, who has been playing in front of folks eating pies since 1934. To them, I say boldly; “How dare you, sir?” The Lions, and the city of Detroit, have very little to hang their hats upon. This game, every year, is one of the strongest and most dearly held traditions in sports. The game is a very large reason why Detroit has a massive parade and running event downtown, an important bump to the obviously struggling economy. In the light of ex-mayor Kwame “Crooked as a Tree Limb” Kilpatrick’s many scandals, a political embarrassment still drawing convictions, and the repeatedly persecuted automotive industry, Detroit needs something to point to with pride.

This gyration and gesticulation is the stuff 2-win teams should avoid….

In the game, however, the Lions played with their typical fervor until roughly half time, at which point the overwhelming scent of turkey legs and stuffing was craftily wafted into their dressing room by Tom Brady hair. The Lions played right up to the Flying Elvii, going blow for blow with The Best Team In The NFL for over two quarters. Then, the Lions realized what jerseys they were and began playing to that tune. A 79-yard touchdown to Deion Brach from Brady had cornerback Alphonso Smith turning around three times on the play after scooting 15 yards to close the gap. Safety CC Brown jogged for 40 yards on the play, only coming into the television’s frame on the 5 yard line. Then, “Shotgun” Shaun Hill began playing like the perennial back-up he SHOULD be by throwing some ugly balls, including missing a wide open Nate Burleson on a 3rd and short near the end of the third quarter. Detroit receivers replied, in turn, by dropping some easy passes, including Burleson’s drop in the end zone late in the fourth. On that play, with 6 minutes left in the game, the Bohunk put down the fork, belched slightly, and said, “Game Over.”

‘Tis the season, folks, the season of giving. And now, you can give with plastic. Those little red kettles, a stalwart fixture outside of so many department stores, are now accepting credit cards in some high-traffic locations. The kettles will still be setup for change and bills, but one can assume the plastic will be of use in higher income areas. In the words of one Pompous Ass, “Cash is for gangstas.”

On this Black Friday, Apple is running some rare deals in hopes of attracting some buyers. Apple and its iThings (iPhones, touches, pods, macs and TVs) are almost never offered at reduced pricing. The rough economy and raised interest in sales this season have prompted the TechnoGiant to take a little bit off some of its more popular items to stimulate sales. For example, its 8gb iPod Touch, usually $230.00, is down to a low, low $199.99. iPod Shuffles are a whopping $2 off…if that lures you off the couch today.

There is big-doin’s this afternoon in college football, folks. Last night, Texas A&M (my favorite use of the ampersand) defeated archrival Texas to make the Longhorns bowl ineligible. Today, however, is the final match up of the Nebraska Cornhuskers and the Colorado Buffaloes. Nebraska can take the Big 12 North title with a win, and secure a cozy lil’ spot in the Big 12 title game. But it also assures itself a strong end to its run as a Big 12 team, a conference it helped create out of the Big South and Big Eight divisions back in the 60’s and early 70’s. Next season, the Huskers will be in the Big Ten, playing the strange likes of Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan. Godspeed, Huskers, please run the ball the length of the field and place the oblong sphere across the imagined plane highlighted at it base by a white stripe.

Taylor “Swift” Martinez will get his first and only shot against Colorado today.

Also today, Auburn plays Alabama, the last chance for the forces of good (Bama) to defeat the Army of Dark and Shadows (Auburn) before the season is over. Auburn is already guaranteed a spot in the SEC Championship against South Carolina, win or lose, but a loss to ‘Bama would knock them from the #2 spot in the BCS and allow the likes of a Boise State/TCU squad to face Oregon, My Oregon for the National Title. The Bohunk’s prediction; Auburn 14, Cam Newton 14, Alabama 35. Roll, Tide, Roll. Please.

Finally, in the Case of Alberto Contador and the Tainted Spanish Meat, “El Pistolero” and his lawyers will present their defense this Friday against doping charges stemming from in July 24th positive test for clenbuterol. Contador and his team with make a formal presentation to attempt to convince a Spanish court of his innocence. As reportedly in an early Update, Spanish authorities have debunked Contador’s claim that he ingested tainted beef the evening before his positive test. Others claim that the positive is the result of a blood transfusion of less tired blood that contained the clenbuterol and also plasticizers from the transfusion bag. Contador is going to be banned; the 2010 title will be given to a reluctant Andy Schleck, and the Saxo-Bank-Sungard squad will probably be defunct as a result. Way to go, Alberto. Ruin your sport, squad and the livelihoods of your teammates.

Thanks for reading, enjoy the leftovers today, and of course, the football. See you next week, folks, and don’t be forget to be thankful.

1 comment:

  1. Very well done Cody especially the 7th paragraph